Twenty Four At Heart

Love Means

I look back at my life, at the people and places I've loved, and it seems, time and time again, love means letting go.

I remember, vividly, letting go of my mother's hand, at age four, when I began kindergarten.  I still remember the bittersweet expectation of exciting things ahead of me, and the knowledge things would never again be the same.  The scent of crayons and play-doh hung in the air and I knew right then, by releasing her hand, I was letting go.

A few years later, a best friend moved hundreds of miles away.  We swore we'd stay in touch and be best friends forever.  Of course, we didn't.  I still think of her now and then, all these years later.  I wonder if she's led a happy life.  I wonder if she remembers me at all.  It was my first experience at letting go of a much loved friend.

Sadly - only a year later - one of my first school crushes died of a childhood disease.  He was nine.  I remember shedding tears over the loss of my "boyfriend."  Other children and parents cried with me.  Once again, I learned the very difficult, heartbreaking, lesson of loving and letting go.

Like everyone, I've had the heartbreak of lost friendships.  My best friend of several years got lost in a world of drugs and gangs in high school.  We parted ways and I watched helplessly as her life crumbled around her.  

And crumble it did ... ending with a suicide.

There was nothing I could do.

In my twenties, a time of transitions, there were good friends, and lovers, who eventually all moved on with their lives.  

As I moved on with mine.

Eventually I found myself with a husband, a family, and a new set of friends.

I gave birth to a little girl.  A few years later, I held her hand as I walked her to her first day of kindergarten.  She looked at me with the bittersweet expectation of exciting things ahead of her, and the knowledge things would never again be the same. The scent of crayons and play-doh hung in the air and I knew right then, by releasing her hand, I was letting go. 

Her first day of kindergarten was followed, eventually, by those of her two brothers.  Our family had grown.

The years went by in a blur of school, and sports, and activities, and busyness.

Time and again, throughout it all, I held their hands, hugged them, and encouraged them to chase their dreams.

This month my two oldest children left home for colleges over 3,000 miles away.  As they left, they looked at me with the bittersweet expectation of exciting things ahead of them and the knowledge things would never again be the same.  

As we said our good-byes, I hugged them once again.  I cried tears of pride, and sadness, and excitement for the lives they have ahead of them.

It seems to me ...

Love means letting go.

© Twenty Four At Heart

A Few Favorites

**  Thank you so much for your interest in my photos.  I've lowered prices on ALL the photos on my photo site and I'll keep the prices down until January 1st.  Hopefully that will make them more accessible for those of you who have expressed an interest in purchasing them for yourself or as a gift.  As requested, I've begun a Boston Album, but it's far from complete.  I'll be adding more photos to it soon.  Also, I'm working on a 2011 calendar.  I'll let you know as soon as it's complete.  **

I wasn't planning to bore you with more photos today, but since I've been layed-up for the last few days, I will.

It has been beautiful here.  I'm dying to swim but I can't with my arm so effed up.  No swimming, no photography. 

Sigh!

Instead, I've been a drugged-up couch potato.  To console myself, I've been going through photos and editing a few of them.  

I know it's not "Photography Friday" but I thought I'd editorialize a little along the way today.  

Feel free to ignore me!

OK, so there's nothing special about the above photo except ... CUTE!  This baby penguin charmed me at the aquarium last week.  Look at his feet!  I wanted to bring him home and put him in the bathtub.  Someone needs to bottle the cuteness.

I call this next photo Reflection (I'm so clever!):

It's almost like a puzzle.  Can you figure out what's really in the window and what's a reflection from the building across the street?
 

The above is an unedited photo.  I could make it look better for you, but *ahem* I didn't.  (I will edit it before/if I upload it to my photo site.)  This was a spur of the moment shot.  A lot of the old historic homes in Boston have very narrow staircases.  The only way to get furniture upstairs, or back down again, is with the use of special cranes.  I came around the street corner just as this bed was being moved. 

* Click *

It captures a unique glimpse of what life's like in Beacon Hill.

Speaking of spur of the moment shots, here's one of my absolute (!!) favorites:

There are so many things I love about the above photo.  The woman you see in the side mirror reflection of the car appeared just at the right moment to give this shot a nice boost of character.

If you don't have a wide angle lens, save your pennies for one.  They are SO worth it!

Once again, there's a lot about the above photo that could be better. 

BUT ...

I'm glad I have it.  It was taken through very dirty, smudged, glass from the top of the Prudential Center.  It would have been all too easy NOT to take it given the circumstances.  I managed to avoid reflections and I cleaned it up as best I could in Photoshop.  It's always better to have an imperfect photo vs. no photo at all.

Can you handle two more?

Be aware of your surroundings and catch the "little" things others might miss.  I was admiring the architecture of this building when all of a sudden a painter appeared in one of the third floor windows. 

*Click*  

The Painter became an instant favorite photo.  Again, it captures a slice of life in the quaint neighborhood of Beacon Hill.

Today's last photo was taken in the Public Garden.  Remember, I mentioned taking a Swan Boat ride?  This photo captures the beauty and serenity of the experience.  I love how the Swan Boat is framed by the trees.  The duck swimming in the forefront adds a nice touch too.

I can't wait to get back out with my camera again.

If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go call Dr. Painless.  I'm sure he's just dying to hear from me ....

© Twenty Four At Heart

Checking In

I know several of you are worried about me so I wanted to check in.  I will probably ramble a lot.  I apologize in advance.

I've spent the last couple days in a drugged up haze.  

To some of you that may sound fun, but ... it's not.

The amount of pain meds I'm using to get through this "episode" would make a junkie proud.

The good news?  Things aren't worse.

The bad news?  Things aren't very good either.

I haven't called Dr. Painless.  I know I should have, but I hate to be that patient ... the one calling on a holiday weekend.  He's probably vacationing in Italy anyway.  Or on a yacht.  Or something.

(At least, I envision Dr. Painless doing such things.)

If I haven't improved by Tuesday morning, I'll call him.

Also?

I will definitely ask him what I should do next time things get this bad.

Usually, after a few tough days things will start to improve.  The last several days have been exceptional in a very negative way.

I'm still waiting.  

Any minute now, I'm going to be able to unclench my teeth, right?

My camera sits abandoned.  I swear it's calling my name and begging me to use it.

I know that probably sounds ridiculous to many of you.

"Forget the damn camera, forget about photography," you're probably thinking.

It's my passion - I can't.

I'm wondering if any of you are engineers?  Or know an inventive person?

I think there must be a way to make photography possible for people with one arm/one working arm?  I've tried improvising, I've tried several things ...

I think I need someone imaginative to invent something for me.

Wishful thinking ...!

Last night, Briefcase forced me to go to the beach.

Yes, he did - at night.

I didn't want to go, and I let him know it in no uncertain terms.  (That says a lot doesn't it?  I always want to go to the beach.)  

I just want to be left alone when I'm in a lot of pain.  Pain makes me quiet in an irritable way.  I retreat into myself.  Sometimes I feel like throwing things too, but I don't.  Also?  I probably CAN'T, because of the whole one-working-arm-and-very-uncoordinated-with-the-other-arm thing.

We got to the beach, and of course my friend Nike was there.

She thought it would be good for me to sit and listen to the waves crash.

So I did.

I sat, wrapped up in a blanket, senses dulled by medication, listening to the waves crash in the night.

It didn't make the pain any better, but it soothed my soul a little.

© Twenty Four At Heart

Downward Spiral

** Written under the influence of lots of drugs and lots of pain. **

It has been a few months since my arm/shoulder/car accident pain has spiraled to the staggering level it's currently at.

You don't need to tell me it's my own fault, I already know.

It was so intense, I didn't sleep at all Thursday night.  If I'd known where the closest Boston hospital was, I would have gone there in the middle of the night.  (Nothing was working for pain relief.  There are no words to describe how bad the last 48 hours have been.)

I spent yesterday curled in a ball whimpering in pain as I flew back to Orange County.  

Doesn't that sound like a fun, five and a half hour, flight?  

(By the way, we came home early to escape the air-traffic madness expected from Hurricane Earl.)

The other fun thing?  When my arm/shoulder gets really bad the muscles in the upper right quadrant of my body begin spasming like crazy, including my neck muscles.  Guess what that leads to?  

Migraines!  

Oh yes, in case heart-stopping pain isn't enough, I got the bonus of a killer migraine to go with it.

Fun times!

I knew my trip to Boston would be hard on my arm.  Traveling is difficult even with two good arms, but trying to manage luggage, etc. with only one working arm, and lots of pain, is a difficult challenge.  To help me, Dr. Painless gave me an arsenal of tricks, supplies, and drugs.

My time in Boston was spent going full speed, from one activity to another.  My camera was a permanent fixture, strapped to my body, the entire week.  I wore pain patches on my arm, and chose to ignore every warning sign telling me I was SO overdoing things.  

"Why aren't these patches working anymore?" I wondered after a day or two.  

Of course, they WERE working.  They just weren't strong enough to make a dent in such an astonishing level of pain.

I had seven days in Boston to conquer the city, and I was determined to do just that.

Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself I'm "normal" and can do everything I used to before the accident.  Maybe I was determined I wouldn't let my "disability" ruin one more thing in my life.

For me, when I begin to have a pain flare up (for whatever reason), I have to stop everything.  I have to rest my arm, baby it, force the damaged nerves to calm the hell down.

Except, this time I didn't.  I kept going, and doing, and attempting to shoot photos, and ....

Now, I'm lost -

Drifting so far out in the sea of pain, I don't even know how to get back.

I've had a lot of bad flares up but this, oh this, is entirely different.

I can't think straight.  I can't function.

I curl my body into a ball, grit my teeth, and try to focus my mind on anything else.

I'm taking double doses of pain meds, in addition to a host of other medications.

I'm basically a full-fledged, walking, talking pharmacy right now.

And yet, I'm still experiencing awe-inspiring pain.  

Pain is like that sometimes.  Given the right triggers, it multiplies upon itself, gaining strength and viciousness with every movement.  It becomes its own living, breathing, entity.

It's a holiday weekend.  

If it weren't, I would call Dr. Painless and beg him to meet me at his office or the hospital for pain injections.  

I should be unpacking and doing all the other chores that need attending after a week away.

Instead, I'm staring at the clock and counting the hours as they pass.  I hope each day will bring an improvement.  Or should I say, I'm counting on each day to bring an improvement?

And I now know, without a doubt, I will have the electrodes implanted in my arm and shoulder.  

I will do anything -

If it might help me escape this pain.

© Twenty Four At Heart

J. P. Licks

Am I the only one thinking ...

J.P. must be very popular?!

(P.S.  I'll be back to "normal" posting by Monday - whatever that is!)

© Twenty Four At Heart

Are You Sick of Boston Yet?

Yesterday was move-in day for my daughter.

I learned:

1.  Old buildings don't have elevators.

2.  Old buildings don't have air conditioning.

3.  Boston can be hot as hell when it wants to be.

4.  Old buildings often hold charming little apartments.

Because I was busy with the whole moving-in process for hours on end, I'm going to throw a few more miscellaneous Boston photos up for you today.

Enjoy!

The above photo of the "Pru Center" was taken through my hotel room at sunset a few nights ago.

I was down by the waterfront two days ago.  It was so hot, I was convinced I was melting.  On impulse, my son and I decided to go into the Boston Aquarium to escape the heat for awhile.  We had a great time!

No explanation needed!  (And yes, I know it's a little overexposed - I didn't have time to post-process it!)

Little doors! 

A lot of the houses in Beacon Hill have little doors that used to be the back, servant's, entrance.  They're adorable - if a door can be adorable, that is.

I love this photo of the John Hancock building because it represents what I love most about Boston - the mixture of old and new.  The John Hancock building is Boston's tallest.  I love the old Trinity church next to it.  I also love the reflection of the church on the glass building.

Today, I hope to return to Beacon Hill for more photo opportunities.  I also want to hit up a couple areas of Boston I haven't gotten to yet.  I've covered a lot of the city, but I'm not done yet! 

There's so much to see and so little time ....

© Twenty Four At Heart 

Photo Walk: Boston

Yesterday I went on a one-on-one photo walk with a fabulous, professional, photographer named Saba.

(BTW, I haven't had much photo editing time so today's photos are watermarked and not much else.)

I prepared for the day by taking opiates and covering my arm with pain patches.  (She's probably freaking out if she's reading this.  "You were on opiates?!")

Yes. 

Yes, I was.

I didn't want my arm to be a factor in the two hours I was SO looking forward to while here in Boston.  The good thing is, my arm held up through the photo walk.  The bad thing?  I think the pain meds made me forget every last drop of photography knowledge I've ever learned.  I felt forgetful, nervous, and unsure of everything photography-related in the company of a photographer who knows so much.

(We won't talk about the other bad thing which, I'm sure you've guessed, is how my arm felt once the pain meds wore off!  Um, STILL feels - ugh!  I wish Dr. Painless was here - that says a lot, doesn't it?)

It was a wonderful photo walk though.  I loved every minute of it.

Saba gave me a historical, informative, tour at the same time she taught me about photography and pointed out great shots with her experienced eye.  

As an example, she explained to me the details behind the Shaw Memorial.  Then, with pure enthusiasm she exclaimed, "Just look at the hand on the sculpture!"

The sculpture has a hand?

Why yes, it does ....

That hand, became one of my favorite photos of the day.

Boston has won me over with its complete, and utter, charm.

I can't wait until I have the time to pour through the rest of my photos.  I promise I won't make you look at all of them.  

(I know I have several Bostonians following the details of my trip.  I will upload several Boston photos to a separate album on my photo site once I'm back home and have a chance to go through them all.)

I wish I could bottle the quaintness here and take it back to Orange County with me.

Sigh ... taking several hundred photos home with me will have to suffice.

© Twenty Four At Heart

Randomness From Boston

I'm apologizing upfront for the quality of my posts this week.  I have very little time to sit down with my laptop here, I've got family members sharing my hotel room (which means NOISE, interruptions, and general chaos), and I'm just plain wiped out by the end of each day.

I've taken over 300 photos so far, but I've had maybe five minutes to glance at the ones I've taken.  I'll have lots of stories and photos to share with you in coming days, but the best of them may be a day or two down the road ... possibly even next week, if things don't slow down a little.

Instead, today I'm just going to make a list of what I've been doing/thinking/experiencing on this trip.  

•  I can't look at another bowl of clam chowder for a long, long, time.

•  I'm going to cry when I say good-bye to my daughter this week.

•  It's absolutely beautiful in Boston.

•  It has been hot as hell here, but not that humid.

•  I've been outside every day, so far, from morning until sunset.

•  The Duck Tour was fun.

•  I'm not getting enough sleep.

•  I've eaten too much and the low-carb thing hasn't worked so well on this trip.

•  Don't mix alcohol and pain meds accidentally.  Ever.

•  I took a Swan Boat ride in the Public Garden and I enjoyed it way more than I should have.

•  I think Swan Boats are probably designed for three year olds.

•  Pizzeria Regina in the North End is to die for.  

•  Why doesn't California have pizza that even comes close to Boston/New York?

•  Everything about the North End is fabulous.

•  I don't know who Saint Anthony is, but the feast/festival for him was a blast.

•  I'm starting to get a feel for the layout of this city, but that doesn't mean I won't get lost again.

•  I don't like cannoli, and I might be the only person on earth who feels that way.

•  There are much better places for seafood here than Legal Seafood.

•  I wish I had time to go to Salem and visit all the fun witch stuff, but I don't.

•  Today, I'm taking an hour or two just for photography.  I can't wait.  No family members allowed.  : )

•  Something is biting me here and it isn't mosquitoes. 

•  Does anyone know what's biting me? 

•  I went on a tour of Fenway Park.  It was very hot.  

•  The Fenway Park tour guide was absolutely funtastic.

•  Yes, I do love baseball.

•  Fanueil Marketplace is nice, but overrated.  

•  Or maybe I'm just used to outdoor malls?

•  I'm not going to have time to do everything I want to while I'm here.

•  My arm hurts like hell.  Think:  travel, luggage, and a camera that hasn't left my side for a moment in the last several days.  

•  They don't make pain meds strong enough for my pain levels right now.

•  It's worth it - I'm living my life, not watching it pass me by.

•  Remind me of that when I take my next shot with my camera and gasp in pain.

•  Don't tell Dr. Painless, but I haven't worn my brace even once on this trip.  (I'm already in too much pain - I can't bear it!)

•  People here have been very nice to me.  

•  People here are REAL.  

•  It will be difficult to go back to the superficial people of Orange County.

•  The Prudential Center - wow!

•  I haven't gotten a minute of museum time yet and if my son has his way, I won't.

•  I've never seen so many bronze statues in my life, they're everywhere.

•  I love all the big trees.

•  I love all the OLD mixed with NEW.

•  There's so much more to tell you, but I have people clamoring for my attention right now.

•  I hope you'll be patient.

© Twenty Four At Heart