Don't Wear A Bikini Once You Turn 70

Last Saturday I dragged Briefcase out of the house.  What is it with men, anyway?  Weekends arrive and they want to sit on the couch 24/7 watching ESPN.  I like sports.  I might even dare to say I like sports more than most women do.  But hey, a beautiful summer Saturday in Orange County?  I can’t wait to get out and enjoy the day.  I feel positively trapped if I have to stay around the house.

A few minutes later we were here.


But we were really on our way to here.


Right about now you’re thinking I’m an awesome sign photographer aren’t you? 

I wanted to get some exercise and it’s always cooler the closer we get to the ocean.  Exercise negates the wine I drank the night before, ok?  Plus I was looking forward to people-watching and sightseeing while I walked.   

Balboa Island is in Newport Bay.  It is an ideal walking location because there is a sidewalk/boardwalk that goes around the entire perimeter of the island.


Actually, three islands make up what most people refer to simply as “Balboa Island”.  I’d explain all of that to you, but then you’d be bored and stop reading so let’s skip it. 

Before we go any further, can I say one thing? 

The women in Newport Beach …?  Well, it’s mandatory to have a lot of plastic surgery if you live there.  Not just standard California stuff, but  really a lot of plastic surgery.  Then the women get old and they still hang out at their Balboa Island beach houses … which are only a mile or two from their normal mansions houses.  And they walk down the boardwalk in their bikinis even when they are seventy. 

It isn’t a pretty sight.  I just thought I should make that point, in case any of them are reading.  Anorexic skinny, and a plastic face, and a plastic neck, and plastic tits, and a fanny lift, doesn’t mean your knees aren’t sagging down to your ankles, OK?  It’s a very disturbing combination.  All right then ….

I like Balboa Island for the walking, but even more for the sight seeing.  People-watching on the island is phenomenal.  The island is also jam packed with cottages and mansions, and cutesy beach houses. 

As I walk along I become judgmental and snarky about which multi-million dollar homes meet my standards and which don’t.  “I would never buy that one,” I tell Briefcase as we look at one home worth at least twenty million dollars.  Briefcase plays along, as if we really are considering which beach house we might buy with our imaginary millions.  This one suited me. 


I think Briefcase liked this one a lot though.


Actually, I really don’t want a house on Balboa Island.  Isn’t that easy for me to say when buying one isn’t a possibility?  What I mean is, I wouldn’t turn one down, but the beaches suck.


A large portion of the island has no beach.  Where the beach does exist, it is small, crowded, and there are no waves.  It is ideal for boaters (and celebrities who live there just to party), but I like a real beach with waves. 


This is a canal that separates homes on Balboa Island from homes on Little Balboa Island.  Are you confused yet?  I grew up in Southern California and sometimes I still get confused on Balboa Island.  Which of the three islands am I on at any given moment?  Which celebrity did I just spill my Starbuck’s on?  Didn’t Nicolas Cage just sell his Balboa Island home for $35 million?  Why then, does that guy across the street look just like him? 

Across from the island, on the peninsula, is the Balboa Fun Zone:


There are not as many seventy year old women in their bikinis at the Fun Zone.  Instead you see a lot more families and teenagers.

There is a ferry that shuttles people back and forth.  There are also boats everywhere you look.


The boats and yachts are beautiful to look at.  I also get picky about which imaginary sailboat or yacht I would purchase while I walk around. 

Why is it that the beautiful yachts always seem to have fat, old men on them with twenty year old hard body women?  Do those men with their shirts off, and their bellies hanging out, really think that those women girls are interested in them?  Or do they simply not care as long as they have a trophy in a bikini on their yacht? 


This banana sign is the island’s token phallic symbol.  Hard bananas sold here!  If you buy one they give you a choice of dipping your banana or not.  One other thing?  You can choose whether or not you’d like nuts with that banana. 

There are a lot of cute shops on the island too.  Briefcase always breaks out in hives when I get near them.  I can’t figure it out.  He said something about being allergic to the price tags?  He successfully managed to prevent me from buying a single thing last weekend.

There’s no denying Balboa Island is a charming place.  If you’re ever in Orange County, set aside a few hours to enjoy it.  However, if you’re seventy or older, please don’t wear a bikini.


13 Responses to “Don't Wear A Bikini Once You Turn 70”

  1. Tricia

    If you were in fact really shopping for a house, I vote for the one you liked, it’s gorgeous, but besides the price, you couldn’t buy there. I can’t imagine such a talented sign photographer would also have a plastic face, and a plastic neck, and plastic tits, and a fanny lift.

  2. Midlife Slices

    Darn! Where’s the picture of the 70 year old in the bikini? Also I too was looking forward to snarking on a picture of plastic people.

  3. Helena

    You’re so lucky to have these great places right on your door-step! And the weather to go with it. I guess the plastic women are being put there for the rest of us to laugh at!
    PS. I hope you’re daughter is still having a great time in Europe. Prague is fantastic!

  4. Bev

    I, personally, am thankful you didn’t post pictures of those 70 year olds. I am not sure I could have survived lookin’ at such as that. hehe I loved the pics you did post.
    I have only been to California twice. Once to Oxnard, which I didn’t care for too much, and once to LA, which was WAY overwhelming for this bumpkin. It was interesting, but just getting around on the freeways and stuff about turned me grey headed. Perhaps my next foray (whenever THAT would be) should be to Balboa.

  5. MJ

    Mmmm, frozen banana.
    I sure do miss going to Fashion Island. I was a big fan of watching all the snooty ladies frantically scooping up their little doggies away from the Koi ponds LOL.

  6. Twenty Four At Heart

    We’re good – all safe. Dogs are still flipping out and there have been some aftershocks, but it’s all standard stuff. Thanks for asking!

  7. Jen

    I’m surprised those ladies don’t get knee lifts while they’re at it.

  8. jill prettyman

    I was really looking forward to some funny old lady pictures. I always get a good laugh at the ones that have lived here all their lives and have tanned way to much. Not only are their knees sagging but they also look like leather!

  9. Jason

    Very nice! I’ve been wanting to go to Balboa Island for a long time! Still never been there.

  10. Cami

    This made me realize how badly I need a vacation!

  11. alntv

    WHAT?!?! All these great pictures and not one shot of a 70-year old in a bikini?!?! Shame on you…


Comments are closed.