Last Saturday I dragged Briefcase out of the house. What is it with men, anyway? Weekends arrive and they want to sit on the couch 24/7 watching ESPN. I like sports. I might even dare to say I like sports more than most women do. But hey, a beautiful summer Saturday in Orange County? I can’t wait to get out and enjoy the day. I feel positively trapped if I have to stay around the house.
A few minutes later we were here.
But we were really on our way to here.
Right about now you’re thinking I’m an awesome sign photographer aren’t you?
I wanted to get some exercise and it’s always cooler the closer we get to the ocean. Exercise negates the wine I drank the night before, ok? Plus I was looking forward to people-watching and sightseeing while I walked.
Balboa Island is in Newport Bay. It is an ideal walking location because there is a sidewalk/boardwalk that goes around the entire perimeter of the island.
Actually, three islands make up what most people refer to simply as “Balboa Island”. I’d explain all of that to you, but then you’d be bored and stop reading so let’s skip it.
Before we go any further, can I say one thing?
The women in Newport Beach …? Well, it’s mandatory to have a lot of plastic surgery if you live there. Not just standard California stuff, but really a lot of plastic surgery. Then the women get old and they still hang out at their Balboa Island beach houses … which are only a mile or two from their normal
mansions houses. And they walk down the boardwalk in their bikinis even when they are seventy.
It isn’t a pretty sight. I just thought I should make that point, in case any of them are reading. Anorexic skinny, and a plastic face, and a plastic neck, and plastic tits, and a fanny lift, doesn’t mean your knees aren’t sagging down to your ankles, OK? It’s a very disturbing combination. All right then ….
I like Balboa Island for the walking, but even more for the sight seeing. People-watching on the island is phenomenal. The island is also jam packed with cottages and mansions, and cutesy beach houses.
As I walk along I become judgmental and snarky about which multi-million dollar homes meet my standards and which don’t. “I would never buy that one,” I tell Briefcase as we look at one home worth at least twenty million dollars. Briefcase plays along, as if we really are considering which beach house we might buy with our imaginary millions. This one suited me.
I think Briefcase liked this one a lot though.
Actually, I really don’t want a house on Balboa Island. Isn’t that easy for me to say when buying one isn’t a possibility? What I mean is, I wouldn’t turn one down, but the beaches suck.
A large portion of the island has no beach. Where the beach does exist, it is small, crowded, and there are no waves. It is ideal for boaters (and celebrities who live there just to party), but I like a real beach with waves.
This is a canal that separates homes on Balboa Island from homes on Little Balboa Island. Are you confused yet? I grew up in Southern California and sometimes I still get confused on Balboa Island. Which of the three islands am I on at any given moment? Which celebrity did I just spill my Starbuck’s on? Didn’t Nicolas Cage just sell his Balboa Island home for $35 million? Why then, does that guy across the street look just like him?
Across from the island, on the peninsula, is the Balboa Fun Zone:
There are not as many seventy year old women in their bikinis at the Fun Zone. Instead you see a lot more families and teenagers.
There is a ferry that shuttles people back and forth. There are also boats everywhere you look.
The boats and yachts are beautiful to look at. I also get picky about which imaginary sailboat or yacht I would purchase while I walk around.
Why is it that the beautiful yachts always seem to have fat, old men on them with twenty year old hard body women? Do those men with their shirts off, and their bellies hanging out, really think that those
women girls are interested in them? Or do they simply not care as long as they have a trophy in a bikini on their yacht?
This banana sign is the island’s token phallic symbol. Hard bananas sold here! If you buy one they give you a choice of dipping your banana or not. One other thing? You can choose whether or not you’d like nuts with that banana.
There are a lot of cute shops on the island too. Briefcase always breaks out in hives when I get near them. I can’t figure it out. He said something about being allergic to the price tags? He successfully managed to prevent me from buying a single thing last weekend.
There’s no denying Balboa Island is a charming place. If you’re ever in Orange County, set aside a few hours to enjoy it. However, if you’re seventy or older, please don’t wear a bikini.