I was at a salon last week. That sounds so Orange County, doesn’t it? As if, all we do here is hang out at spas and salons. The truth is, I needed to get my
straw hair fixed. All these women who want to be blonde? They don’t realize what happens to blonde hair in the summer. Swimming in the ocean and in our pool (which is a salt water pool) turns my blonde hair white and the consistency of straw. It’s one sexy look if you like Bimbette Blonde. Personally, I’m not a big fan so I was having low-lights put in to take out the Bimbo-ness of my current look.
In any case, those low-lights (darker streaks for my male readers) take awhile to soak in. I, of course, started flipping through magazines because there’s not a whole lot else to do while you’re sitting there with foil pieces sticking out all over your head. The August edition of Oprah Magazine has a column titled “Adam Says”. It is some type of advice column. A woman wrote in with the following question, “I’m 48, divorced, and re-entering the dating scene – what should I wear?”
Don’t you wonder what this woman was really thinking? Did she believe a total stranger, who has never met her, doesn’t know where she lives, what she looks like, or the lifestyle she (or her community) has, will have a good idea of what she should wear on a date?
Do you know what Adam, the advice columnist, told her? He told her, “You don’t want to look like a housewife of Orange County.” That’s right, that was Adam’s advice to jump start her love life.
This magazine is read throughout the entire world. Oprah is big; Oprah is huge. Everything Oprah says is believed by everyone in the entire world. And Oprah’s magazine says, you don’t want to look like one of those
hos ladies from Orange County. OK, that about does it for me. I’d like to talk to Scott Dunlop, please. Preferably now.
Mr. Dunlop (may I call you Scott?) is the producer of The Real Housewives of Orange County and I think it is about time he and I have a chat. He’s the one who gave all of us Orange County hos our reputation. He lives in Money Town; a conversation should be no problem. Mr. Dunlop and I? We’re neighbors! I think we even have some mutual friends. Does anyone know if he has a sense of humor? Would the man consent to an interview by a non-Money Town resident? Or do you think not living in Money Town puts me beneath him? (So to speak ….)
I know I have a lot of Orange County readers. If any of you know Scott (I think he likes it better when I call him by his first name), why don’t you see what he thinks about being interviewed for Twenty Four At Heart?
Adam, the advice columnist, went on to let everyone know what to expect an Orange County “housewife” to wear. His list included, “Anything that looks too easy to remove.” Yes, here in the OC we all wear clothes tailor made for immediate removal. If Briefcase ever came home and my clothes didn’t just fall to the floor upon his arrival he’d be very dismayed. Apparently, we wear easily removable clothes everywhere we go because Orange County women need sex, everywhere, with everyone, and all the time. We have lovers by the dozens.
The list goes on. Besides clothes that are easy to remove, Adam says other clothes “real housewives of Orange County” wear are, “ultrashort, sheer, tight, or plunging, or bare.” How do you wear “bare” clothes? In addition, Orange County hos wear heavy makeup … and killer stilettos … and garish colors.
When I go out shopping? I search first for garish colors. If I can’t find “bare” clothes, then of course I go for minimal coverage that is easily removable. And my stilettos? The killer ones? I wear them to drive the kids to school, to the beach, when I clean the house, and walk the dogs. I wouldn’t be caught dead without my garish colored, killer, stilettos.
My makeup? It’s not heavy. Heavy means really a lot of makeup. Ironically, despite what Adam says I rarely wear more than mascara. I know women exist in Orange County who wear a lot of makeup, but I would guess that most Orange County women wear less makeup than women in other parts of the country. It’s too warm here. Who wants it melting off your face? Most of us are into a more natural look. (Well, natural as far as makeup, I admit there are not a lot of natural boobs in Orange County!)
I hate to dispel any Orange County myths, but that’s reality as I see it. I’d really like to chat with
Mr. Dunlop Scott and see what he thinks about all the commotion he’s caused. Jeez … that man has given all of us OC women reputations to live up to.