I have another salon experience from last week which I thought was worth sharing.
As I sat at the salon patiently reading magazines and waiting for my hair to turn back to it’s chemically induced natural shade of blonde (oxymoron!), I couldn’t help observing the people around me. There was a stylist working near me who was dressed as if she was perhaps planning to shop on the Champs De Elysse in Paris instead of spending her day cutting hair. As she styled her patron’s new cut, her eyes stayed fixed almost entirely on her own reflection in the mirror. I was anticipating a really bad haircut for her customer.
I don’t know the stylist’s name so I have dubbed her Ms. Narsa Sist. Ms. Narsa Sist wore five inch stiletto heels. Mr. Dunlop would be so proud. My male readers may not appreciate the significance of those heels, but ladies can you imagine standing in 5 inch heels all day cutting hair? The pain, the agony, the permanent crippling, all so that the other women in the salon might, what? Admire Narsa Sist’s legs?
Narsa Sist wore a green velvet skirt. Green velvet in the summer, in sunny Southern California. She also had on a blouse, a green velvet jacket, and a hairdresser’s apron to protect her clothing. It was 90 degrees that day here in the OC. What the hell was she thinking? The highlight of her outfit, however, was her green velvet top hat which perfectly matched her green velvet skirt and jacket. She resembled a leprechaun. Oh, and did I mention it was ninety degrees that day?
Women love to prattle on to their hair stylists. Hair stylists know everything about their customers. Observing Narsa Sist, however, I realized her patron never had the opportunity to say a word. Narsa Sist chatted incessantly about herself, all the while riveted by her own appearance in the mirror. There was no real conversation taking place. Narsa Sist is quite talented at entertaining herself while her clients occasionally smile and nod.
Narsa Sist was sharing her beauty secrets. Primarily how she keeps her “figure”. Can I preface this by saying I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried? Now that we’ve made that clear, let me share Narsa Sist’s beauty secret.
Narsa Sist rubs Preparation H all over her stomach, butt and hips. That’s right, hemorrhoid cream all over her body. Then she wraps herself in Saran Wrap. (I think Briefcase and I did something along these lines once or twice, minus the hemorrhoid cream.) After the plastic wrap, Narsa Sist puts on a neoprene body wrap. Clothes apparently go on top of that. Narsa Sist also proudly declared she wears Preparation H as her eye cream also. Apparently she feels it is a wonder drug and rids her of eye puffiness, stomach bloating, rounded hips, a fat ass, and other woes that distract from her “look”.
So … along with the stilettos, the green velvet skirt, blouse, green velvet jacket, green top hat, and hairdresser’s apron … underneath there is hemorrhoid cream, Saran Wrap, and a neoprene body wrap. Did someone mention it was ninety degrees?
Fortunately, I am no expert on hemorrhoid cream. Aren’t you glad I shared? However, can I just say … disgusting?!
I keep wondering what happens when Ms. Narsa Sist gets her man. I’m sure she heads out for a night on the town dressed in her version of the latest fashion, covered in hemorrhoid cream, plastic wrap, and neoprene. I picture her picking up on some poor unsuspecting guy at a bar, inviting him home where he discovers … all her layers. And the odor of hemorrhoid cream.
Maybe some men get turned on by neoprene and hemorrhoid cream?