I think Briefcase has a bad case of PMS. I'm tempted to say it's been going on for a little over two years, but let's just talk about this week. Some of my more astute readers are now saying, "Hmmm … wasn't your car accident about two years ago?" The answer would be, yes. The accident was just over two years ago. The cars collided in a dramatic, made for TV, manner and Briefcase promptly came down with a prolonged case of PMS.
We'll leave that discussion for another day. For today, let's discuss the PMS which has been plaguing Briefcase for the last week or so. I am wondering if other men get PMS too, or if it's just Briefcase? He is irritable, short tempered, experiencing mood swings, and just plain irritating and annoying. He's been having angry outburst at small, inconsequential things. He is quite normal and friendly when other people are around, and then turns into this bloated, angry, person I barely recognize when we are alone. If he starts having crying jags, I'm moving out.
When this started about a week and a half ago, I chalked it up to Briefcase having a bad day. Everyone has those, and people react differently to them. I tried being nice, pleasant, and staying the hell away from him as much as possible. Briefcase travels a lot on business, but wouldn't you know, he had an entire week in town while in this horrid mood.
On day two of Briefcase's PMS, we got in arguments over politics. We are registered voters of opposing political parties. I guess you can say we don't keep our mouths shut and respect our differences. No, we point out (repeatedly) to each other that our spouse is an effing idiot, living in a dream world, which has no resemblance at all to reality. Reality, true reality, is where I live. Of course.
On day three of Briefcase acting like a jerk suffering from PMS, I asked him if his period had started yet. He sent me one of those Briefcase Dagger Looks and said, "Did you just ask if my period has started?" Being totally immune to the Briefcase Dagger Look, I replied, "Yes, I certainly did, has it?"
I was going to offer to run to the drugstore to buy him some tampons, but I thought better of it.
Aren't my male readers wishing they were married to me right about now? I'm a prize. Sorry, but my parents didn't raise me to be intimidated easily or to ever back down from what I believe. And this week, I believe Briefcase has PMS.
On day four of Briefcase's PMS we had a little kitchen "incident." Recently, I bought a new set of cutlery. Our original set of kitchen knives have been used so much that they are missing tips, became warped, and are in a general sense of disarray. I love to cook. Cooking has become very difficult with my dysfunctional arm. Chopping, slicing, dicing, and opening bottles of wine to drink while I cook have all become impossible with only my left, clumsy arm working.
I thought if I had a set of new knives I might be able to do more. Maybe slice some things without help, soft things like a tomato. (My frustration at having to ask for help on simple tasks is extreme, to put it mildly.) Briefcase balked at the cost (nice cutlery is expensive), but my will to regain my independence is high and I purchased a very nice new set of knives anyway. It is important to mention, my friend Nike has "contacts" and got me an amazing discount so the cost was less than half of what it would have been if I made this purchase without her help. Briefcase is excessively cheap; he should appreciate my efforts.
Briefcase woke up on Day Four of PMS all crabby again. (Please don't suggest he needs sex, the man is well taken care of.) He decided to toast a bagel for breakfast. I warned him about our new sharp knives, and the correct procedure to slice a bagel. (Hand flat on top with fingers arched up, blah, blah, blah.) A minute later he yelled, "Fuck these damn knives!" I looked over to see blood dripping from his thumb.
He did not slice that bagel correctly.
PR (my worrier) ran to get a band-aid. TR quipped with a smile, "Mom saved a lot of money on those knives." I asked, "Did you get blood on my new bread knife?" Maybe this sounds harsh, but our family is quick with the one liners and you get used to it if you live here. Besides it's just a cut; his finger is still attached.
The point being, the kitchen incident did not improve his PMS. Briefcase was short-tempered and irritable as usual. All day long we heard about his tragic battle with the bread knife. The story grew in proportion as the day wore on. It's a good thing I've never experienced any real pain of my own. If I had, I might not have been quite as sympathetic about the band-aid on his thumb. (Eye roll, deep sigh.)
I can't take much more. If Briefcase doesn't get over his PMS soon, I might need to move him into a tent in the backyard. I've actually been considering mixing some Midol in with his food. What do you think? Would it help? Do you know any remedies for PMS?