Am I the new, self-appointed, sexologist of the blogging world? It sure seemed like I was last week. We had some great discussions about male/female communication, the gender gap, and even got as far as discussing some male courting (?) behaviors women don't care for. Our final discussion ended with me asking my readers what they do like. What makes you feel romantic? What constitutes great foreplay?
I thought today I'd write about my personal idea of perfect foreplay. Just kidding! However, Briefcase? If you're reading, I have this very sensitive spot you've been neglecting for the last, um, twenty one years or so. I've tried dropping hints, leaving notes, sending emails, drawing maps, and nothing seems to work. I thought maybe if I told the entire friggin' world about it on my blog, you might notice. Ahem. Anyway ….
So where were we? Oh yes, we left off discussing what behaviors are definitely NOT great foreplay, at least, not from the women's perspective. One of my wonderful readers, Amy, from I Could Cry but I Don't Have Time, was kind enough to make a sign for me to illustrate this discussion to my readers. Many thanks to Amy!
Foreplay means different things to different people. As wonderful as it might be if I could publish a list titled The Five Steps to Fabulous Foreplay, solve all male/female issues with my list, and proceed to be rich and famous … it isn't going to happen. (Dammit!) However, I will say, based on all the feedback I got, there was one item that popped up on a recurring basis. (Stop it right now! You have your mind in the gutter and don't even try to pretend you don't!)
The one thing that my female readers said over and over again, is they crave nonsexual touching and affection. They long for their significant other to grab them a blanket when they're cold, tuck it around them with a hug and squeeze … and then not stand there waiting to get laid in return for the gesture. Affection for affection's sake. Touching of nonsexual body parts without an expectation of sex. Holding hands, a little hug, a squeeze, or pat … nonsexual affection.
Another recurring theme was that women (generalization forthcoming) in most cases want and need an emotional attachment in order to crave physical intimacy. If you're male and she's not interested, maybe you've neglected her emotional needs or the emotional side of your relationship. Do you ever have fun together? Laugh and laugh till you cry together? Do you really listen to, instead of just hear, each other? Women said, repeatedly, they need to feel emotionally connected.
I didn't get many male comments, but the ones I did get stated clearly that men want foreplay too. Back rubs, massages, (and lots and lots of blow jobs). Men don't like the expectation they can "whip it out" on command. Maybe I've been married too long because I can't remember ever commanding Briefcase to "whip it out". (And now I'll be humming the song Whip It by Devo all day.) Maybe Briefcase is wishing I'd command him to whip it out? Possibly, we have a communication break down.
Again, women vary, but here are some suggestions left by female readers.
Flirt – throughout the day
Make us feel desirable, respected, and beautiful
Indulge in good conversation
Be helpful around the house without being asked
Remember we have more than 3 erogenous zones
Romance is always nice (candles, flowers, etc.)
Our nipples are not "radio dials" (spend some time with the rest of our breast and entire body too)
None of that sounds so difficult, does it? It must be, however. Otherwise I wouldn't have received so many responses to my posts. Heartfelt, frustrated, angry, and sad emails about the lack of understanding and support between the sexes. It hasn't been difficult to identify some of the issues which cause problems. The solutions, however, might be more difficult.
One of my favorite bloggers, Undomestic Diva, suggested that younger men probably tend to have more frequent affairs than younger women. (Sex for the sake of sex.) She also felt as we age, older women probably have affairs more than men do. Women feeling entitled to search for the connection they've lost with their significant other. This goes a little bit against the grain of conventional thinking where the mid-life man abandons his wife for a 20 year old hard-body girl. What do you think? What have you witnessed with your friends and acquaintances? Or perhaps yourself? Are mid-life women or men more likely to have affairs?