The F Word

Am I the new, self-appointed, sexologist of the blogging world?  It sure seemed like I was last week.  We had some great discussions about male/female communication, the gender gap, and even got as far as discussing some male courting (?) behaviors women don't care for.  Our final discussion ended with me asking my readers what they do like.  What makes you feel romantic?  What constitutes great foreplay?

I thought today I'd write about my personal idea of perfect foreplay.  Just kidding!  However, Briefcase?  If you're reading, I have this very sensitive spot you've been neglecting for the last, um, twenty one years or so.  I've tried dropping hints, leaving notes, sending emails, drawing maps, and nothing seems to work.  I thought maybe if I told the entire friggin' world about it on my blog, you might notice.  Ahem.  Anyway …. 

So where were we?  Oh yes, we left off discussing what behaviors are definitely NOT great foreplay, at least, not from the women's perspective.  One of my wonderful readers, Amy, from I Could Cry but I Don't Have Time, was kind enough to make a sign for me to illustrate this discussion to my readers.  Many thanks to Amy!

Sexsign

Foreplay means different things to different people.  As wonderful as it might be if I could publish a list titled The Five Steps to Fabulous Foreplay, solve all male/female issues with my list, and proceed to be rich and famous … it isn't going to happen.  (Dammit!)  However, I will say, based on all the feedback I got, there was one item that popped up on a recurring basis.  (Stop it right now!  You have your mind in the gutter and don't even try to pretend you don't!)

The one thing that my female readers said over and over again, is they crave nonsexual touching and affection.  They long for their significant other to grab them a blanket when they're cold, tuck it around them with a hug and squeeze … and then not stand there waiting to get laid in return for the gesture.  Affection for affection's sake.  Touching of nonsexual body parts without an expectation of sex.  Holding hands, a little hug, a squeeze, or pat … nonsexual affection.   

Another recurring theme was that women (generalization forthcoming) in most cases want and need an emotional attachment in order to crave physical intimacy.  If you're male and she's not interested, maybe you've neglected her emotional needs or the emotional side of your relationship. Do you ever have fun together?  Laugh and laugh till you cry together?  Do you really listen to, instead of just hear, each other?  Women said, repeatedly, they need to feel emotionally connected.

I didn't get many male comments, but the ones I did get stated clearly that men want foreplay too.  Back rubs, massages, (and lots and lots of blow jobs).  Men don't like the expectation they can "whip it out" on command.  Maybe I've been married too long because I can't remember ever commanding Briefcase to "whip it out".  (And now I'll be humming the song Whip It by Devo all day.)  Maybe Briefcase is wishing I'd command him to whip it out?  Possibly, we have a communication break down. 

Again, women vary, but here are some suggestions left by female readers. 

Flirt – throughout the day

Be playful

Cuddle

Make us feel desirable, respected,  and beautiful

Indulge in good conversation

Be helpful around the house without being asked

Remember we have more than 3 erogenous zones

Romance is always nice (candles, flowers, etc.)

Our nipples are not "radio dials" (spend some time with the rest of our breast and entire body too)

None of that sounds so difficult, does it?  It must be, however.  Otherwise I wouldn't have received so many responses to my posts.  Heartfelt, frustrated, angry, and sad emails about the lack of understanding and support between the sexes.  It hasn't been difficult to identify some of the issues which cause problems.  The solutions, however, might be more difficult.

One of my favorite bloggers, Undomestic Diva, suggested that younger men probably tend to have more frequent affairs than younger women.  (Sex for the sake of sex.)  She also felt as we age, older women probably have affairs more than men do.  Women feeling entitled to search for the connection they've lost with their significant other.  This goes a little bit against the grain of conventional thinking where the mid-life man abandons his wife for a 20 year old hard-body girl.  What do you think?  What have you witnessed with your friends and acquaintances?  Or perhaps yourself?  Are mid-life women or men more likely to have affairs?

42 Responses to “The F Word”

  1. alntv

    I’m agreeing with vodka mom. Too much time and energy to “woo” another woman. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to get into my wife’s pants! The thought of trying to jump ship and starting over sounds like about as much fun as sticking a hot poker in my eye.
    And for the record, I’ve tried all of the things mentioned above. I really think you either like sex or you don’t. You marry someone, you kinda know going into it whether they are sexual playful or a little on the cold side. The whole foreplay thing (in some cases obviously) isn’t really the issue. It’s communication. Apparently we can’t or won’t talk about sex (I know I can’t. She freaks out and thinks I expect it.) with our significant other. The happiest people I know are probably the ones who can talk about this stuff…not the ones blogging about it.
    That’s just one man’s opinion and I’m sticking to it!

  2. alntv

    I’m agreeing with vodka mom. Too much time and energy to “woo” another woman. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to get into my wife’s pants! The thought of trying to jump ship and starting over sounds like about as much fun as sticking a hot poker in my eye.
    And for the record, I’ve tried all of the things mentioned above. I really think you either like sex or you don’t. You marry someone, you kinda know going into it whether they are sexual playful or a little on the cold side. The whole foreplay thing (in some cases obviously) isn’t really the issue. It’s communication. Apparently we can’t or won’t talk about sex (I know I can’t. She freaks out and thinks I expect it.) with our significant other. The happiest people I know are probably the ones who can talk about this stuff…not the ones blogging about it.
    That’s just one man’s opinion and I’m sticking to it!

  3. alntv

    I’m agreeing with vodka mom. Too much time and energy to “woo” another woman. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to get into my wife’s pants! The thought of trying to jump ship and starting over sounds like about as much fun as sticking a hot poker in my eye.
    And for the record, I’ve tried all of the things mentioned above. I really think you either like sex or you don’t. You marry someone, you kinda know going into it whether they are sexual playful or a little on the cold side. The whole foreplay thing (in some cases obviously) isn’t really the issue. It’s communication. Apparently we can’t or won’t talk about sex (I know I can’t. She freaks out and thinks I expect it.) with our significant other. The happiest people I know are probably the ones who can talk about this stuff…not the ones blogging about it.
    That’s just one man’s opinion and I’m sticking to it!

  4. Joanne

    If the art of anticipation could be mastered, they could score quite often, I think. But most men do not have the willpower to last that long. Example…after a long crappy day at work, your man, being the attentive soul that he is(stop laughing) begins to massage your scalp (or feet)yes guys start at either end and work your way to the middle! a little effective conversation and a good (yes, GOOD) scalp, neck shoulder massage will start the game. NOW is NOT the time to “go for the gold” Go ahead, tease us a little, with hold the sexual content until we WANT it. like I said an art most have failed to grasp…. oh well

  5. Joanne

    If the art of anticipation could be mastered, they could score quite often, I think. But most men do not have the willpower to last that long. Example…after a long crappy day at work, your man, being the attentive soul that he is(stop laughing) begins to massage your scalp (or feet)yes guys start at either end and work your way to the middle! a little effective conversation and a good (yes, GOOD) scalp, neck shoulder massage will start the game. NOW is NOT the time to “go for the gold” Go ahead, tease us a little, with hold the sexual content until we WANT it. like I said an art most have failed to grasp…. oh well

  6. Joanne

    If the art of anticipation could be mastered, they could score quite often, I think. But most men do not have the willpower to last that long. Example…after a long crappy day at work, your man, being the attentive soul that he is(stop laughing) begins to massage your scalp (or feet)yes guys start at either end and work your way to the middle! a little effective conversation and a good (yes, GOOD) scalp, neck shoulder massage will start the game. NOW is NOT the time to “go for the gold” Go ahead, tease us a little, with hold the sexual content until we WANT it. like I said an art most have failed to grasp…. oh well

  7. amyz5

    thanks for the plug. glad you liked the graphic. i have a tendency towards symbolism.
    seems there is a whole lot of noise out there on this topic.
    and now i too, will be singing ‘whip it’ all day long.

  8. amyz5

    thanks for the plug. glad you liked the graphic. i have a tendency towards symbolism.
    seems there is a whole lot of noise out there on this topic.
    and now i too, will be singing ‘whip it’ all day long.

  9. amyz5

    thanks for the plug. glad you liked the graphic. i have a tendency towards symbolism.
    seems there is a whole lot of noise out there on this topic.
    and now i too, will be singing ‘whip it’ all day long.

  10. Donna in VA

    I love Amy’s little graphic! That’s priceless.
    And yeah, thanks for the mental song playing in my head for the rest of the day. “Whip it! Whip it good!”
    **running screaming from the room**

  11. Donna in VA

    I love Amy’s little graphic! That’s priceless.
    And yeah, thanks for the mental song playing in my head for the rest of the day. “Whip it! Whip it good!”
    **running screaming from the room**

  12. Donna in VA

    I love Amy’s little graphic! That’s priceless.
    And yeah, thanks for the mental song playing in my head for the rest of the day. “Whip it! Whip it good!”
    **running screaming from the room**

  13. Lori

    In my experience, neither sex has more affairs than the others…it’s pretty equal. I don’t always know the reason but basically it comes down to losing the emotional and physical connection between the two people…some of these people claimed that they still loved their partner while others tell me they no longer loved them.
    I have given advice to men that have asked me about what to do about the lack of sex with their wives…this advice has usually been pretty much what has been talked about here and for some of these men, it worked and they later thanked me because they were not only getting a lot of sex,but they admitted that they now too felt more connected to their wives. For some of these men, nothing worked, and they were good husbands(this coming from their wives)and I suggested going to the doctor because I believe that we can be “off” physically and it will affect our desire for sex…9 times out of 10 there was something going on that affected their sex drive and the doctor was able to help.
    There was one person that it just came down to not liking sex…what is ironic, she is the one that ended up having an affair!

  14. Lori

    In my experience, neither sex has more affairs than the others…it’s pretty equal. I don’t always know the reason but basically it comes down to losing the emotional and physical connection between the two people…some of these people claimed that they still loved their partner while others tell me they no longer loved them.
    I have given advice to men that have asked me about what to do about the lack of sex with their wives…this advice has usually been pretty much what has been talked about here and for some of these men, it worked and they later thanked me because they were not only getting a lot of sex,but they admitted that they now too felt more connected to their wives. For some of these men, nothing worked, and they were good husbands(this coming from their wives)and I suggested going to the doctor because I believe that we can be “off” physically and it will affect our desire for sex…9 times out of 10 there was something going on that affected their sex drive and the doctor was able to help.
    There was one person that it just came down to not liking sex…what is ironic, she is the one that ended up having an affair!

  15. Lori

    In my experience, neither sex has more affairs than the others…it’s pretty equal. I don’t always know the reason but basically it comes down to losing the emotional and physical connection between the two people…some of these people claimed that they still loved their partner while others tell me they no longer loved them.
    I have given advice to men that have asked me about what to do about the lack of sex with their wives…this advice has usually been pretty much what has been talked about here and for some of these men, it worked and they later thanked me because they were not only getting a lot of sex,but they admitted that they now too felt more connected to their wives. For some of these men, nothing worked, and they were good husbands(this coming from their wives)and I suggested going to the doctor because I believe that we can be “off” physically and it will affect our desire for sex…9 times out of 10 there was something going on that affected their sex drive and the doctor was able to help.
    There was one person that it just came down to not liking sex…what is ironic, she is the one that ended up having an affair!

  16. Midlife Mama

    I think it depends on the man. What I hate is the pouting that goes on when you say “no” because you’re just too damn tired. And he always expects a “performance,” with lots of different positions and he wants to last a long time. And a blowjob is foreplay?? I guess it would be for a man. I think of it as part of the main event. *sigh*.
    Sometimes I think it’s midlife and the whole menopause thing. I used to enjoy sex — a LOT — until four years ago. I was working full-time (40+ hours a week) while studying for my Master’s degree (about 20 hours a week) plus cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing laundry, refereeing between my adult children and my husband (he’s their stepdad). When he started getting pouty and demanding about not having sex as often as he thought we should, I lost interest because I lost respect for him; that he wasn’t being understanding and supportive as he said he would when I entered the master’s program.
    He made me feel guilty for taking any time for myself during this time. When I wanted to take 30 minutes of the only free time I had all day before sleep and read a few chapters of a book not related to school, he would get angry when I didn’t feel like having sex. If he’d been more understanding and less demanding, then the next night when I had 30 minutes of free time, I’d have been more interested in sex.
    This was a huge turn off to me. This made sex a “chore” for me, and who wants more chores?!?

  17. Midlife Mama

    I think it depends on the man. What I hate is the pouting that goes on when you say “no” because you’re just too damn tired. And he always expects a “performance,” with lots of different positions and he wants to last a long time. And a blowjob is foreplay?? I guess it would be for a man. I think of it as part of the main event. *sigh*.
    Sometimes I think it’s midlife and the whole menopause thing. I used to enjoy sex — a LOT — until four years ago. I was working full-time (40+ hours a week) while studying for my Master’s degree (about 20 hours a week) plus cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing laundry, refereeing between my adult children and my husband (he’s their stepdad). When he started getting pouty and demanding about not having sex as often as he thought we should, I lost interest because I lost respect for him; that he wasn’t being understanding and supportive as he said he would when I entered the master’s program.
    He made me feel guilty for taking any time for myself during this time. When I wanted to take 30 minutes of the only free time I had all day before sleep and read a few chapters of a book not related to school, he would get angry when I didn’t feel like having sex. If he’d been more understanding and less demanding, then the next night when I had 30 minutes of free time, I’d have been more interested in sex.
    This was a huge turn off to me. This made sex a “chore” for me, and who wants more chores?!?

  18. Midlife Mama

    I think it depends on the man. What I hate is the pouting that goes on when you say “no” because you’re just too damn tired. And he always expects a “performance,” with lots of different positions and he wants to last a long time. And a blowjob is foreplay?? I guess it would be for a man. I think of it as part of the main event. *sigh*.
    Sometimes I think it’s midlife and the whole menopause thing. I used to enjoy sex — a LOT — until four years ago. I was working full-time (40+ hours a week) while studying for my Master’s degree (about 20 hours a week) plus cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing laundry, refereeing between my adult children and my husband (he’s their stepdad). When he started getting pouty and demanding about not having sex as often as he thought we should, I lost interest because I lost respect for him; that he wasn’t being understanding and supportive as he said he would when I entered the master’s program.
    He made me feel guilty for taking any time for myself during this time. When I wanted to take 30 minutes of the only free time I had all day before sleep and read a few chapters of a book not related to school, he would get angry when I didn’t feel like having sex. If he’d been more understanding and less demanding, then the next night when I had 30 minutes of free time, I’d have been more interested in sex.
    This was a huge turn off to me. This made sex a “chore” for me, and who wants more chores?!?

  19. Undomestic Diva

    I truly believe that people (both men and women) stray most of the time because someone is giving them the attention they’re not getting at home… and not just sexually. Everyone wants to be wanted and sometimes that feeling of being wanted dwindles the longer a couple is together… Who doesn’t love being flirted with unexpectedly or being complimented by someone they’ve barely met? It gets the adrenaline pumping…

  20. Undomestic Diva

    I truly believe that people (both men and women) stray most of the time because someone is giving them the attention they’re not getting at home… and not just sexually. Everyone wants to be wanted and sometimes that feeling of being wanted dwindles the longer a couple is together… Who doesn’t love being flirted with unexpectedly or being complimented by someone they’ve barely met? It gets the adrenaline pumping…

  21. Undomestic Diva

    I truly believe that people (both men and women) stray most of the time because someone is giving them the attention they’re not getting at home… and not just sexually. Everyone wants to be wanted and sometimes that feeling of being wanted dwindles the longer a couple is together… Who doesn’t love being flirted with unexpectedly or being complimented by someone they’ve barely met? It gets the adrenaline pumping…

  22. kelly

    I think women are more likely to have affairs when they aren’t feeling an emotional connection at home anymore. For men? Maybe it’s emotional sometimes, but I think men are more likely to succumb to the pure physical too. I agree with UD too, everyone wants to feel noticed and attractive.

  23. kelly

    I think women are more likely to have affairs when they aren’t feeling an emotional connection at home anymore. For men? Maybe it’s emotional sometimes, but I think men are more likely to succumb to the pure physical too. I agree with UD too, everyone wants to feel noticed and attractive.

  24. kelly

    I think women are more likely to have affairs when they aren’t feeling an emotional connection at home anymore. For men? Maybe it’s emotional sometimes, but I think men are more likely to succumb to the pure physical too. I agree with UD too, everyone wants to feel noticed and attractive.

  25. goodfather

    This is a GREAT post! I love the graphic, and I have to admit to a little willy-wagging in my time. To redline the TMI meter, you could add leg-humping to my list of offenses. I totally agree with Undomestic Diva: my wife wants me to show her that I love her during the day. It’s not flowers, poetry, or bouquets of diamonds that she wants: just a touch, a quick kiss, a non-sexual look or smile that says, “Hey, I’m into you. I like you.” The trick for guys is not tallying up those things at the end of the day and then saying, “OK, where’s my sex…”

  26. goodfather

    This is a GREAT post! I love the graphic, and I have to admit to a little willy-wagging in my time. To redline the TMI meter, you could add leg-humping to my list of offenses. I totally agree with Undomestic Diva: my wife wants me to show her that I love her during the day. It’s not flowers, poetry, or bouquets of diamonds that she wants: just a touch, a quick kiss, a non-sexual look or smile that says, “Hey, I’m into you. I like you.” The trick for guys is not tallying up those things at the end of the day and then saying, “OK, where’s my sex…”

  27. goodfather

    This is a GREAT post! I love the graphic, and I have to admit to a little willy-wagging in my time. To redline the TMI meter, you could add leg-humping to my list of offenses. I totally agree with Undomestic Diva: my wife wants me to show her that I love her during the day. It’s not flowers, poetry, or bouquets of diamonds that she wants: just a touch, a quick kiss, a non-sexual look or smile that says, “Hey, I’m into you. I like you.” The trick for guys is not tallying up those things at the end of the day and then saying, “OK, where’s my sex…”

  28. missy

    You go goodfather! This should be required reading for all men.

  29. missy

    You go goodfather! This should be required reading for all men.

  30. missy

    You go goodfather! This should be required reading for all men.

  31. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Yep, you’ve just pretty much painted yourself into the Cosmo corner, lady. You are now the unofficial Sex guru. Look what you’ve done! You’ve got people to open up about sex!
    And since when is a BJ considered foreplay?
    Congratulations on your new job, Cosmo girl.

  32. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Yep, you’ve just pretty much painted yourself into the Cosmo corner, lady. You are now the unofficial Sex guru. Look what you’ve done! You’ve got people to open up about sex!
    And since when is a BJ considered foreplay?
    Congratulations on your new job, Cosmo girl.

  33. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Yep, you’ve just pretty much painted yourself into the Cosmo corner, lady. You are now the unofficial Sex guru. Look what you’ve done! You’ve got people to open up about sex!
    And since when is a BJ considered foreplay?
    Congratulations on your new job, Cosmo girl.

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