The Family Jewels

I stared at the shelves in front of me in bewilderment.  I live with three creatures from the male species, but I've never portrayed myself to be an expert on all things male.  I was faced with an array of Family Jewel Protectors and at a loss as to what I should purchase.  I imagine it's how a 12 year old boy might feel if he was plopped down in Victoria Secret and told to purchase his mom a bra.  Which bra?  What size?  Clasp in front or back?  What are the differences between all of them?

I glanced around for a salesman, but there were none to be found.  I was a little relieved initially.  How embarrassing to be in my forties and not know how to buy such an essential piece of equipment for my own family members. 

Oops … did I just write family members?

My relief quickly turned into frustration as I realized there were dozens upon dozens of choices in front of me.  Jockstraps in all sizes and colors.  And cups to go with them.  Some jockstraps include cups, and some don't.  Some cups are "shock absorbers."  Who knew?  There are also shorts/briefs with cup holders that guys can wear.  I've laundered some of this stuff for years, but have I ever really looked at it?  No, I guess I haven't.

I picked up a jock strap.  I was envisioning it worn as a thong.  How do those straps work?  Wouldn't that be uncomfortable?  How do you run and jump if it is worn like a thong?  I played with the straps some more, trying to manipulate them around in a manner which might work.  Briefly, I twirled it on my finger sizing it up.  I began humming, "Will It Go Round in Circles?" by Billy Preston, as I continued my twirling.  Remember that song?  A customer walked by and looked at me curiously.  I quickly averted my glance and returned the jockstrap to it's rightful place. 

I flashed back to several years previous.  My son, RC, was only 11 and playing in a baseball tournament.  Another boy on the team, Joey, always chose to wear his baseball pants skin tight.  Joey would fill in as a catcher periodically.  Catchers are required to wear cups even at young ages.  Joey must have borrowed his dad's or older brother's cup.  Joey kept showing up to games in skin tight baseball pants and an enormous bulge to go with them.

Finally, one day. a mom from the team turned to me and said, "I don't think Joey should wear such tight baseball pants if he's going to wear that cup."

I replied, "Joey doesn't wear a cup, what are you talking about?"

The expression on her face was one of total shock.  Then the laughter began.  I don't know if I've ever seen anyone laugh as hard, or for as long, as she did.  Yes, I'm quite sure I'm going to hell for talking about little boy's bulges with another mom.

I continued staring at the Penis Protector choices in front of me.  (Sort of like pocket protectors, but different.)  I was paralyzed with fear.  I didn't want to make any of the males in my house look like Joey.  There were youth sizes, teen sizes, and adult sizes in front of me.  I randomly picked up a package, read it, and said aloud, "Thirty six inches . . . hmmm he's not that big."

I heard a snicker behind me.  Startled, I turned to find a salesman.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

Immediately I felt embarrassed.  I know that's ridiculous.  I'm an adult woman, but nonetheless, I could feel my face flushing.

"My son got really big over the summer," I stammered. 

He grinned. 

"He grew four inches," I confessed. 

Immediately I cringed at my own words.  I was mortified. 

I saw the salesman fighting to contain his laughter.  My face turned a deeper red.  Why is it Briefcase is never in town at critical moments like this?  And why do I have a perpetual case of foot in mouth disease?

The salesman, still smiling, informed me that the package indicates the waist size of the jock strap.

"Of course," I nodded.  I tried, but failed, to look nonchalant.  What?  Everyone knows jockstraps are sold by waist size.  Right?!  Of course I knew that.  I'm sure someone had mentioned it to me somewhere along the line.  Maybe.

The salesman asked if I needed some assistance.  Humiliated, I declined.  He left me alone to further ponder the variety of Penis Protectors.  I noticed the different colors.  I picked up packages and noted the waist sizes.  I debated the pros and cons of jockstraps vs. briefs with cup holders.

Forty five minutes later I was still there.  I had looked at every variety of Family Jewel Protector the store offered.  More than once.  In a quandary, I finally gathered several in my basket and headed to the cash register.  Mr. Salesman met me along the way.  He took the top package from me, looked at it, then glanced at my overflowing basket of assorted penis protector products.

"I want to make sure you understand these products can't be returned," he said. 

I nodded my understanding.  In my basket I had one of almost every size and variety of jockstrap, cup, and/or brief.  There is absolutely no chance of me ever returning any of them.  It was disconcerting enough having to buy them in the first place.  One of them has got to be the right size/style/color. 

Don't ya think?   

63 Responses to “The Family Jewels”

  1. alntv

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a great way to start off my morning! This is a very funny story…you should sell it to some woman’s magazine! Yeah…I can only imagine what MY wife would be like buying a cup for my son…
    Nicely done! 🙂

  2. alntv

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a great way to start off my morning! This is a very funny story…you should sell it to some woman’s magazine! Yeah…I can only imagine what MY wife would be like buying a cup for my son…
    Nicely done! 🙂

  3. alntv

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a great way to start off my morning! This is a very funny story…you should sell it to some woman’s magazine! Yeah…I can only imagine what MY wife would be like buying a cup for my son…
    Nicely done! 🙂

  4. Lynn K.

    LOLOL! Thanks for the morning funny! Loved it. alntv is right, you need to submit this somewhere.
    All I can say is, Thank goodness I have girls.

  5. Lynn K.

    LOLOL! Thanks for the morning funny! Loved it. alntv is right, you need to submit this somewhere.
    All I can say is, Thank goodness I have girls.

  6. Lynn K.

    LOLOL! Thanks for the morning funny! Loved it. alntv is right, you need to submit this somewhere.
    All I can say is, Thank goodness I have girls.

  7. Lori

    Too funny! Been there, done this, with having 2 sons myself. Thank you for the great morning laugh and the reminder of times past when I too have stood in that same isle, pondering which to buy.
    Great post…you really should submit this!

  8. Lori

    Too funny! Been there, done this, with having 2 sons myself. Thank you for the great morning laugh and the reminder of times past when I too have stood in that same isle, pondering which to buy.
    Great post…you really should submit this!

  9. Lori

    Too funny! Been there, done this, with having 2 sons myself. Thank you for the great morning laugh and the reminder of times past when I too have stood in that same isle, pondering which to buy.
    Great post…you really should submit this!

  10. Kim

    Hahahaha! Hysterical! I can only imagine what I would do faced with this prediciment. I would probably buy one of every kind too.
    And I also agree with Al – this is submission worthy material!

  11. Kim

    Hahahaha! Hysterical! I can only imagine what I would do faced with this prediciment. I would probably buy one of every kind too.
    And I also agree with Al – this is submission worthy material!

  12. Kim

    Hahahaha! Hysterical! I can only imagine what I would do faced with this prediciment. I would probably buy one of every kind too.
    And I also agree with Al – this is submission worthy material!

  13. amyz5

    story was great. but the best part was the mom talk on the field! i have been down the road of penis protectors in my dad. thank goodness he stopped the contact sports and plays soccer where they don’t wear them.
    then again, i have seen more than one guy go down after the ball to the jewels.

  14. amyz5

    story was great. but the best part was the mom talk on the field! i have been down the road of penis protectors in my dad. thank goodness he stopped the contact sports and plays soccer where they don’t wear them.
    then again, i have seen more than one guy go down after the ball to the jewels.

  15. amyz5

    story was great. but the best part was the mom talk on the field! i have been down the road of penis protectors in my dad. thank goodness he stopped the contact sports and plays soccer where they don’t wear them.
    then again, i have seen more than one guy go down after the ball to the jewels.

  16. Angela

    Nice. Can’t imagine trying to do this. I can barely pick out a bra myself! And I’m a woman!

  17. Angela

    Nice. Can’t imagine trying to do this. I can barely pick out a bra myself! And I’m a woman!

  18. Angela

    Nice. Can’t imagine trying to do this. I can barely pick out a bra myself! And I’m a woman!

  19. thistle

    the artist in me is imagining what kitschy thing you might do with all the ones that don’t fit but can’t be returned?? great post…and i agree with the others, this one is worthy of publication..i think i may send it too my sister, she’s been there too

  20. thistle

    the artist in me is imagining what kitschy thing you might do with all the ones that don’t fit but can’t be returned?? great post…and i agree with the others, this one is worthy of publication..i think i may send it too my sister, she’s been there too

  21. thistle

    the artist in me is imagining what kitschy thing you might do with all the ones that don’t fit but can’t be returned?? great post…and i agree with the others, this one is worthy of publication..i think i may send it too my sister, she’s been there too

  22. EricaB

    Hysterical! I had a very similar experience over the spring…and just chose not to protect…is that bad?

  23. EricaB

    Hysterical! I had a very similar experience over the spring…and just chose not to protect…is that bad?

  24. EricaB

    Hysterical! I had a very similar experience over the spring…and just chose not to protect…is that bad?

  25. Donna in VA

    That’s funny! I, too, suffer from Foot-In-Mouth disease, but somehow it doesn’t seem as funny as your stammering was.
    I have two boys and thank goodness I didn’t ever have to buy any Jewel Protectors. I wouldn’t have known anymore about them than you did.
    Funny story. The salesman may STILL be talking about it.

  26. Donna in VA

    That’s funny! I, too, suffer from Foot-In-Mouth disease, but somehow it doesn’t seem as funny as your stammering was.
    I have two boys and thank goodness I didn’t ever have to buy any Jewel Protectors. I wouldn’t have known anymore about them than you did.
    Funny story. The salesman may STILL be talking about it.

  27. Donna in VA

    That’s funny! I, too, suffer from Foot-In-Mouth disease, but somehow it doesn’t seem as funny as your stammering was.
    I have two boys and thank goodness I didn’t ever have to buy any Jewel Protectors. I wouldn’t have known anymore about them than you did.
    Funny story. The salesman may STILL be talking about it.

  28. goodfather

    LOL – too funny! Thanks for this post, it totally made my day. I’ll jump on the you-should-submit-this bandwagon too. 😀

  29. goodfather

    LOL – too funny! Thanks for this post, it totally made my day. I’ll jump on the you-should-submit-this bandwagon too. 😀

  30. goodfather

    LOL – too funny! Thanks for this post, it totally made my day. I’ll jump on the you-should-submit-this bandwagon too. 😀

  31. Anali

    That was hilarious! Thank you for the laughter this morning. It was badly needed.
    I used to love that song by Billy Preston too! ; )

  32. Anali

    That was hilarious! Thank you for the laughter this morning. It was badly needed.
    I used to love that song by Billy Preston too! ; )

  33. Anali

    That was hilarious! Thank you for the laughter this morning. It was badly needed.
    I used to love that song by Billy Preston too! ; )

  34. phhhst

    Hilarious story. Well told. I have all sisters and the first time I had to buy a cup for my son I was totally lost too.
    I love your picture in the header, what beach is that?
    Thanks for stoping by my blog.

  35. phhhst

    Hilarious story. Well told. I have all sisters and the first time I had to buy a cup for my son I was totally lost too.
    I love your picture in the header, what beach is that?
    Thanks for stoping by my blog.

  36. phhhst

    Hilarious story. Well told. I have all sisters and the first time I had to buy a cup for my son I was totally lost too.
    I love your picture in the header, what beach is that?
    Thanks for stoping by my blog.

  37. Lucrecia

    HA! I was a single mom when my oldest son first needed one. I had NO clue how he was supposed to wear it, and he was too young to know better – he wore it upside down until my father finally figured out that something wasnt quite right!

  38. Lucrecia

    HA! I was a single mom when my oldest son first needed one. I had NO clue how he was supposed to wear it, and he was too young to know better – he wore it upside down until my father finally figured out that something wasnt quite right!

  39. Lucrecia

    HA! I was a single mom when my oldest son first needed one. I had NO clue how he was supposed to wear it, and he was too young to know better – he wore it upside down until my father finally figured out that something wasnt quite right!

  40. Duchess

    I’ve been puzzling about this all day. I have two sons. The younger is 21, but I am pretty sure I never bought such a thing — at least if I did it was a one size fits all you need it for the sports kit and don’t even think about a variation. I’m also completely sure their dad was buying it instead. Did I repress the whole experience? Or do Brits not care about the family jewels the way Americans clearly do? If there are any Brits lurking, I would really appreciate enlightenment.
    (I did buy shin pads and mouth guards every year, honest — not to mention cricket bats.)

  41. Duchess

    I’ve been puzzling about this all day. I have two sons. The younger is 21, but I am pretty sure I never bought such a thing — at least if I did it was a one size fits all you need it for the sports kit and don’t even think about a variation. I’m also completely sure their dad was buying it instead. Did I repress the whole experience? Or do Brits not care about the family jewels the way Americans clearly do? If there are any Brits lurking, I would really appreciate enlightenment.
    (I did buy shin pads and mouth guards every year, honest — not to mention cricket bats.)

  42. Duchess

    I’ve been puzzling about this all day. I have two sons. The younger is 21, but I am pretty sure I never bought such a thing — at least if I did it was a one size fits all you need it for the sports kit and don’t even think about a variation. I’m also completely sure their dad was buying it instead. Did I repress the whole experience? Or do Brits not care about the family jewels the way Americans clearly do? If there are any Brits lurking, I would really appreciate enlightenment.
    (I did buy shin pads and mouth guards every year, honest — not to mention cricket bats.)

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