The following interview consists of questions submitted by my readers for my famed physical therapist, The Torturer. The interview setting was a cafe where we had lunch yesterday. I reminded him that all of these questions were not my questions, but reader's questions. (Readers designated by a Q, his answers by a T).
24: First of all, thank you for subjecting yourself to this being such a good sport.
T: Are you going to change all of my answers to say what you want?
24: I won't change any of your answers.
T: I am a professional.
24: I know that.
T: You don't portray me as being a professional on your blog.
24: Why don't we get started now?
(Torturer rolls his eyes.)
Q: Are taser guns a legal and acceptable form of treatment at PT?
T: Dammit, that's exactly what I mean!
24: Can you just answer my reader's questions?
T: Everything is legal and acceptable when it comes to you, 24.
Q: Where can people get a taser?
T: You have to be a licensed medical professional to get a taser.
Q: How do you handle your 4 girls and would you like another?
T: I have a lot of patience. And no, thank you.
24: (raised eyebrow) You have a lot of patience?
T: Except maybe with you.
Q: A reader asked if making 24 cry gives you a "chub"?
T: (laughs) I always have one.
(both of us laugh)
T: Look at that 24, you're blushing! I didn't think anything embarrassed you.
Q. How many years does it take to become a torturer and do you get paid a lot?
T: Probably about 6+ years, and no I don't get paid nearly enough.
Q: When hot women come into PT do they get more attention?
T: It depends on how busy I am.
Q: Do you date patients?
T: No. Never. I've been dating people who then start coming in as patients, but I don't date patients.
Q: Is 24 funny in real life?
T: We laugh a lot. She thinks she is.
Q: Is torturing part of your personality or do you have to work hard at it?
T: I think I'm a natural born torturer.
Q: What are you looking for in a woman besides a Sugar Mama?
T: A big heart, a tight ass, and big tits. Not necessarily in that order.
(24 mutters "pig")
Torturer looks wounded and adds, "A big heart is important to me."
Q: Who makes the better patient, men or women?
T: Women. Women are tougher. Men are babies. Also, men wait too long to come in.
Q: Do you ever give Money Town women exercises to make their thighs get bigger?
T: (Laughs) No, but maybe I should start.
Q: Are you a compassionate person?
T: Of course.
(24 rolls eyes)
Q: Did you know people with marshmallow bodies can be nice too?
T: Some of my best friends are marshmallows.
Q: Are the Money Town women as bad as 24 says?
T: Worse! Some of them are nice to look at though. Most are fun to laugh at. They're all high maintenance. Well, at least 80% of them. There's always that 80/20 rule.
Q: Do you agree with 24's portrayal of Money Town?
T: Yes. Absolutely.
Q: What made you decide to become a torturer?
T: I'm a hands on kind of guy. I used to be an athlete and now I work with a lot of athletes. I like that.
Q: What's the funniest thing that has ever happened when you were torturing someone?
T: There was a pretty hot patient. She went into a private room to put a medical gown on. When I came in she had put it on with the opening in the front. She was standing there with her boobs hanging out. I told her I'd step outside for a minute and maybe she could turn the gown around to face the other way. It was pretty funny.
Q: Where were you raised?
T: Southern California
Q: What will you do when 24 graduates from PT and doesn't come in anymore?
T: Have a party.
(24: "ass" The Torturer laughs)
Q: What do you do for fun when you aren't torturing someone?
T: I'm mainly about torturing people. I have an old truck I'm rebuilding. I like to read Twenty Four at Heart.
Q: Do you have a secret crush on 24?
T: Everyone does.
Q: Where is 24 the most ticklish?
T: Someone should ask Briefcase that one.
Q: Do the two of you ever get along or do you always fight?
T: (grins) We get along … for periods of time.
Q: Is 24 really your favorite patient?
T: Of course.
Q: Are there Money Town women who come to PT just to get close to your hot self?
T: Probably not.
Q: What do you do when 24 cries at PT?
T: It depends on the situation. Sometimes I hand her a Kleenex. Other times I give her hugs. Sometimes I kick her in the ass and tell her not to have a pity party. It depends on what's going on with her.
Q: Do you even CARE when she cries?
T: Of course. She's gone through a lot. It's like a marathon and it's my job to get her to the finish line. It can be painful and difficult to get there. You fall along the way sometimes. I help her get up when she falls. Sometimes I yell at her to get up by herself. It depends on what I think will be best for her.
Q: Doesn't it pull at your heartstrings?
T: I have compassion and empathy. But it is separate from what I do.
Q. Do you sleep well at night after hurting 24?
T: Yes. I'm helping her. She's a lot better than she was.
Q: What is the most bizarre injury you've ever treated?
T: Hmmm. It might have been the guy who broke his ankle jumping over a fence while running from the police. The injury wasn't bizarre, but how he got it was.
Q: What is the most annoying or stupid thing you've seen a Money Town woman do or say?
T: Wow. There are too many to even narrow it down.
Q: What do you do to de-stress after torturing people?
T: Torturing people is how I de-stress.
Q: What do you do if you're really attracted to a hot patient and have to touch her in a lot of places.
T: I touch her in a lot of places. Professionally, of course.
Q: Do you make house calls?
T: Only in very special cases.
Q: What's 24 like when she's on drugs?
T: (laughs) Oh the stories I could tell! Should I tell?&
(24 shakes head 'no' vigorously)
Well, she's a lot of fun when she's on drugs. She talks nonstop and I don't think she remembers a thing she says.
Q: Do you think telling 24 she's got a body like a marshmallow motivates her?
T: OK, hold on. I never used the word marshmallow. She made an interpretation of what I said. After all her surgeries I just suggested it was time to get back in shape.
Q: What kind of torture do you wish you could perform but can't because it's illegal?
T: I've been tempted to strangle 24 a few times.
Q: What was the most outstanding temper tantrum 24 ever threw?
T: Hmmm. They've kind of blended together. She's gotten really mad at me a few times. She stormed out once and didn't come back. Canceled all her appointments. I had to call her and talk her into returning. I don't even remember what I did to get her that pissed at me. I did something.
Q: What do you do when 24 makes you mad?
T: I push her harder.
Q: Have you ever yelled at 24?
T: More than once. One time I was across the room from her. 24 told one of my techs she couldn't do something I'd just asked her to do. I was having a bad day and I yelled, "Just DO it!" There was a little old lady looking on. A brand new patient. Her eyes got huge and she looked petrified. Like I'm an ogre. I apologized and told her, "I'm sorry. I don't talk to patients that way. Only 24. I've known her forever and she's the only one I talk to like that." The new patient never came back. I think I scared the crap out of her.
Q: What does 24 do to make you mad? (Author edit: Besides not following your orders to do things which are beyond her ability and incredibly painful!)
T: She likes to socialize a lot. Too much. She isn't at PT to become best friends with the office staff and all the patients. It distracts from what she should be doing. Also, now they all want to chat with her and not do what they should be doing either.
Q: So what do the people who work in your office think of 24?
T: (Sighs) They like her. And they like that she brings in treats for them. (pause) They don't know her as well as I do.
Q: Do you treat all your patients like 3 year olds?
T: Just 24. If you knew her as well as I do you'd understand.