I spent some time with my dermatologist yesterday. My family has a history of skin cancer, and not the milder forms. No, we drop dead of melanoma on a regular basis in my family. The doctors call the melanoma in our family a "cancer cluster." Melanoma is one of the deadliest forms of cancer and it can be brought on both from a genetic history and/or by sun exposure. I'm doomed in either case. In truth, I've had one melanoma already, but it was removed before it killed me. Now I have frequent skin checks by both an oncologist and a dermatologist, or at least I'm supposed to.
Needless to say, with all I've gone through since the car accident I've neglected everything else. Last Friday I noticed a dark spot on my skin and I freaked out as only I can do. Heart racing, I called my dermatologist in a panic. Knowing my history, he waived his usual two month wait and got me in to see him yesterday. His secretary let me know ahead of time they were "working me in" and it would be a quick check of just the one suspicious spot. Then she chided me on being late for a full skin check and I promised I would set up an appointment for one when I came in.
Here's my public service announcement. Everybody should get a skin check with a good dermatologist at least once a year. If there is any form of skin cancer in your family you should go more frequently. Even if you live in a cooler climate, it's a must. Kids should be checked once a year too. If you never listen to me regarding anything else, I hope you'll get skin checks for yourself and your family.
My doc is young, very good looking, and also very energetic and outgoing. He grew up in Argentina although his parents were Americans. He has the most charming, sexy, accent as a result. I adore him. My oncologist recommended him because he says he's got "great eyes." He means Dr. McDreamy is great at spotting skin abnormalities earlier than most docs.
I agree Dr. McDreamy has great eyes, but for entirely different reasons. I've also noticed he has a great body, great hands, a great smile, etc. I've noticed all of that purely in a professional sense, of course. Dr. McDreamy is married, by the way.
Briefcase hates Dr. McDreamy and has nicknamed him "The Butcher." I think Briefcase probably resents Dr. McDreamy just because he's so gorgeous. However, to make things worse he did remove a mole from Briefcase's leg once. It got infected and Briefcase did nothing about it, in typical male fashion. It festered for weeks. One day Briefcase commented to me about what a terrible job The Butcher had done. I checked out the gangrene on his leg in absolute horror. To this day, Briefcase blames Dr. McDreamy for the fact that Briefcase himself did not follow his after-care instructions.
Anyway, Dr. McDreamy and I chatted a little and got all caught up. He looked at the spot I freaked out about and announced it was a hbzkdnemakdn or something like that, but not a melanoma. He didn't even need to biopsy it. I mentioned I would be returning soon for a full skin check and he said, "Get undressed, let's do it now."
These are the thoughts which immediately, and in less than two seconds, ran through my head:
1. What panties am I wearing today?
2. I'm due for a bikini wax.
3. I shave my legs everyday without fail, but I was running late today and didn't shave them.
4. I haven't done sit-ups in three weeks and he'll see my fat.
5. I didn't put any lotion on this morning (again because I was running late) and my legs will look like lizard legs.
6. What bra am I wearing?
7. Will he laugh when he sees my fat ass in a thong?
Dr. McDreamy looked at me patiently, handed me a hospital gown, and left the room for me to change. He instructed me to leave my bra and panties on. I've had skin checks before, but I always knew I would be having them. I have exactly one pair of granny panties just for the purpose of doctor's visits. I felt cornered, trapped, and about to be exposed. Literally.
Dr. McDreamy, full of good looks and overflowing with charm, walked back in with his magnifying glass. Oh yes, he went over every millimeter of my body with a giant, over-sized, magnifying glass. Here Dr. McDreamy, take a good look at my unshaven legs! Get up close and personal. Let's see exactly what the hair re-growth is on that last bikini wax while we're at it. Did you notice the lace on my thong? And really, I'm quite sure that isn't belly fat, it's just a little bloating. Check out that fantastic pattern of cellulite on my ass too! As he examined every millimeter of me, I wanted to die of embarrassment.
Did I mention that although I had panties and a bra on, he lifted them away when he got to those parts of me? He's a very thorough doctor. As he should be, especially with my family history. However, it left me feeling more exposed, albeit in a different way, than a gyn exam. The man had a magnifying glass! (And yes, there was a female nurse present at all times.)
Dr. McDreamy also checked all my lymph glands because I am a "melanoma survivor" and it will be a part of my exam for life. Did you know you have lymph glands all over including in your groin area? As in, right along your pantie line? Yes, Dr. McDreamy had his warm, sexy hands there. Just letting you know, in case you were wondering.
Normally, I just love some nice warm man hands on my body, but in this case? Not so much.
Ironically, the whole time he was examining me, Dr. McDreamy just chatted away as if I wasn't standing there in all my naked glory in front of him. Nothing in his manner was even slightly different than when I was fully clothed. I think I should be insulted by that, but I was too busy feeling grateful instead.
Dr. McDreamy did get excited at one point. He was looking at my back with his magnifying glass. "I see a little pimple!" he exclaimed with joy.
Could I be any further humiliated?
"A pimple on my back?" I asked.
"It's really small, I probably couldn't see it without my magnifying glass," he answered.
Then he added, "Can I pop it? Because that's why I became a dermatologist, I love to pop pimples."
"Sure," I said, because at that point I couldn't possibly have wanted to disappear anymore than I already did. And really, I might as well make Dr. McDreamy's day by letting him pop a microscopic zit on my back.
He was thrilled. And because of that, his sexiness factor dropped quite a bit. Can you imagine being in bed with a man who all of a sudden got excited if he spotted a pimple on your ass? More excited than when he saw you naked? I don't think I'll ever look at him quite the same way again.
When it was all said and done, I got the "all clear." It's always a relief given my personal and family history. Dr. McDreamy did write me a prescription for lotion, however. He noticed my heels "are a little rough". Visions of many long walks on sandy beaches flashed through my head. I thanked him for the prescription, tried to muster whatever remaining dignity I had left, and went on my way.
Is it just me? Or have you had an embarrassing experience with a doctor too?