Tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap … helloooooo? Is this thing working? Is anyone out there? Where did everyone go? Oh, I know – you're grocery shopping, and cleaning, and cooking, and traveling, and visiting with family. Well, when you get around to it, I'll be right here. I'm doing all those things too. Well, I'm going to soon. It's Tuesday and I'm a music addict. That means before I do anything else, I have to read the new iTunes music recap from my friend Alan at A Round World Through Square Glasses. It's part of my Tuesday morning routine. After I read his review, I start perusing all the new music releases on iTunes. I try to have some self-control on my music purchases, but ….
Speaking of music …..
Oh wait – family members? See ya later! This is another post for you NOT to read. Because, really? You might be scarred for life if you do. I might be scarred for life just by writing it. In fact, I may have downed pain pills before I wrote this post just so I can be assured I'll never remember being the author. (By the way, I do not recommend the misuse of prescribed medications unless you're about to show the entire world your sex toys!)
If you know me in real life, you should stop reading right now and come back tomorrow, okay? Otherwise I'll just be embarrassed for life. Strangers? Please never stop me on the street to discuss this post. I can't even imagine the Google searches I'm going to get from this point forward.
I can't believe I'm actually writing this.
OK, back to music. As most of you know, I wrote a post not long ago about being a Corporate Widow. One of my readers out there in the Blogosphere sent me an email. He owns a sex toy business and offered to send me a "Sex Basket." Well, who can turn something like that down?
I mean, strictly from a writing perspective, of course.
My box arrived this weekend and the very first thing I found when I opened it was a "Sex Mix" CD. Oh yes, music for screwing. Notice I did not say music for romance. No, this is all strictly sex music not romantic music.
What does it say about me if I already owned a lot of the songs? I won't list them all here (19 songs) but here are a few:
Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon
Animals by Nickelback
Sex, Lies and Money by Will Hoge (I love Will Hoge!)
Wild Sex by Oingo Boingo
So Hott by Kid Rock
Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground
Pussy Control by Prince
Yeah … Pussy Control. I'm not joking and I DID laugh out loud at that one. To be honest, it's an awesome CD. The only song I didn't like was Pussy Control. I'm sure MEN would like it, but it didn't do a whole lot for me. The other 18 songs are awesome.
Next, I found all sorts of bottles and pretty jars of stuff. What kind of stuff? Well, there was a body splash that has pheromones in it. It's supposed to drive men crazy-wild. Then I found creamy massage oil. In case that doesn't work well enough there is also a jar of EDIBLE massage cream. I sure won't find that at physical therapy now will I? The last bottle was filled with flavored "personal heightener." Because we all want our personals heightened, right?
The next thing I found in the box was this:
I admit, when I pulled this out of the box, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it. I think it's called a "Flipper." Batteries are in the little rectangle part and then there's that other Flipper part of it. It vibrates; it hums. Hummmmm. I snapped a photo. Later? I tried to figure out how to use this device. I discovered this little gadget is … small but very effective. Very. I think I've fallen in love with Flipper.
Didn't your mother always tell you that size doesn't matter?!
OK, now don't laugh. The next thing I pulled out of my gift basket box was this:
Are you laughing? It's a neon green, glowing, pre-lubricated, vibrator. Green, just in case you have fantasies of hot sex with Shrek. I admit, I haven't played with this toy yet. Why? Because I have become permanently attached to Flipper. Don't anyone ever try to take my Flipper away from me. If I tire of Flipper (no!) I might give Shrek a try, what do you think?
I will never tire of Flipper.
The last thing in my basket was a Rabbit. Yes, a Rabbit. I've heard about Rabbits but I've never owned one. Here's a picture:
I haven't played with Rabbit yet either. Why? Because Flipper is my best friend, okay? But Rabbit is a very interesting toy. This particular Rabbit has all sorts of tricks it can do. The main shaft vibrates, and the rabbit ears (?) vibrate for clitoral stimulation. Or you can make them both vibrate at the same time. (Lots of buttons!) The Rabbit has one other special trick too. The head on this toy can swirl around in full circles and sort of wave at you as it does so. Oh, yes it can!
I like to "turn it on" when I'm on pain meds and giggle and giggle at the rotating dickhead.
So there you have it. Flipper, Shrek, and Rabbit. Also, a whole lot of creams and lotions and some awesome music. A huge thank you to my sex basket donor! Even though I haven't played with everything yet, the CD alone made my day. It may be a long time before I get around to trying Shrek or Rabbit. Flipper is a lot more
intense stimulating amazing interesting than [he] looks.
Wow, the perks of blogging! Who knew?!