Fake Lashes and Diamonds

Helena – this one's for you!

A few weeks ago I was chaotic and out of control.  Briefcase had been traveling for a few back-to-back weeks.  I'd overbooked my schedule as I'm prone to do.  I decided one evening to pick up "to-go" food on the way home from PR's baseball practice.  I couldn't bare the idea of junk food.  As we were leaving practice I called in an order to a nice family restaurant outside of Money Town.  This restaurant specializes in ribs, chicken, etc.  Real food vs. junk food.  It was a smoldering hot day and I ended up ordering salads.  I know, boring – right? 

PR and I walked in to the restaurant to pick up our food.  There was a short line back at the "to go" counter.  A couple was waiting ahead of us.  The man was about 75.  His female companion was maybe 30 at the most.  It was impossible not to notice them.  

She had bleach blonde hair, pretty much the color of Marilyn Monroe's.  Her fingernails were bright, stripper red. She had the biggest, longest fake eyelashes I've ever seen a person wear.  I guess her face was attractive, but to be honest all I could really see when looking at her were those enormous fake eyelashes.  They were giant fans on her eyes and she batted them constantly.

"Give them the benefit of the doubt, it might be his granddaughter," I thought to myself.

I knew better, of course.  Not two minutes had passed until she latched onto him in a decidedly ungranddaughter-like fashion.  She batted her eyes at him and started talking nonstop baby talk to him.

"Daddy, why is it taking so long to get our food?" she whined in her sticky-sweet baby voice. 

I immediately lost my appetite.  I tried to look away, but it was impossible.  I hate women who dumb down.  Daddy?  It's embarrassing to all living females.  (Although, I'm pretty sure she was really, really stupid in the first place.)  Baby talk to a 75 year old man?  Really, if you want to play daddy sex games you need to save it for the privacy of your own home.  Please

His response to her was just as nauseating as I watched him fawn all over her.  He consoled her and soothed her as if the two of them were facing a life and death situation. Because, omigod, how awful for them to have to wait five minutes for their to-go order. Seriously? 

A minute later she was rubbing her body all over him.

"I don't think I can wait another minute to go home with you Daddy," she purred loudly.

I thought about covering PR's ears.  He, however, was so exhausted from baseball he didn't seem to be noticing.  Then I wondered if Gramps had remembered to take his Viagra.  I had a feeling he had.  They were all over each other.

Right then our salads were ready and we were called ahead of the couple to pay.  As I pulled out my wallet I could not avoid the sight of them.  She had her tongue in his ear in the middle of the nice, family restaurant.  Visions of old man earwax popped into my head and I nearly vomited on the spot.  "Daddy" was getting an ear job and he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.

PR and I left a minute later.  I admit, I'd completely lost my appetite. 

I tried to dismiss the encounter from my mind.  Three days later, however, I encountered eyelash woman again.  I pulled into our local gas station to fill up my car.  Less than thirty seconds later a brand new red Corvette pulled up next to me.  Eyelash Lady hopped out to get gas.  She glanced at me and then looked over at me again.  I have the feeling she was wondering where she'd seen me before.  And yes, she was still wearing those gigantic fake eyelashes.

As we filled up our cars I studied her.  Nice body, toned, clearly she works out. Fake tan and fake, perky, large breasts which are a dime a dozen around here.  She wore expensive and revealing clothes.  As she held the gas pump I saw, for the first time, the jewelry she wore. Lots and lots of jewelry, but the most staggering was an enormous diamond ring.  There are a lot of huge diamond rings in South Orange County, and generally they don't faze me in the least anymore.  This diamond was staggering however.  I couldn't help it as my mind tried to calculate how many carats it must be.  I decided, at the very minimum, it was a 10 carat diamond.  At least.

I made an impulsive decision to take her picture with my cell phone.  (Yes, a true blogger at heart!) My car was full, but she was still gassing up hers.  I hopped into mine, grabbed my cell phone and tried to inconspicuously take her picture.  She caught me!  Yes, she turned to face me and glared at me.  I hope she thought I was just trying to take a photo of her nice, shiny, red car and not her in all her eyelash glory.  In any case, I didn't get the photo.  I do, however, have a strong mental image of her that just won't fade. 

84 Responses to “Fake Lashes and Diamonds”

  1. SSG

    I’ve got a strong mental image of her now too! I don’t understand… she cant really be with him cos she likes him, so she’s with him for the money. But that money is not getting her anything, why is it making her feel good? I just don’t get it. Sometimes it’s nice to have nice clothes and look good, but only so I feel more attractive to the person I love, and feel good about myself, not so some hideous oldy can shag me. Man, that’s rank. Bleuggggghhhhhhhhhh

  2. SSG

    I’ve got a strong mental image of her now too! I don’t understand… she cant really be with him cos she likes him, so she’s with him for the money. But that money is not getting her anything, why is it making her feel good? I just don’t get it. Sometimes it’s nice to have nice clothes and look good, but only so I feel more attractive to the person I love, and feel good about myself, not so some hideous oldy can shag me. Man, that’s rank. Bleuggggghhhhhhhhhh

  3. SSG

    I’ve got a strong mental image of her now too! I don’t understand… she cant really be with him cos she likes him, so she’s with him for the money. But that money is not getting her anything, why is it making her feel good? I just don’t get it. Sometimes it’s nice to have nice clothes and look good, but only so I feel more attractive to the person I love, and feel good about myself, not so some hideous oldy can shag me. Man, that’s rank. Bleuggggghhhhhhhhhh

  4. SSG

    PS i have a friend who is a real hippy, and she always talked about her boyfriend, who has an unusual name. I imagined him hippyish too, same age, long hair etc. She is 27 or abouts. i met him. he is short, bald (well white come over) yellow teeth, and about 70. Neither of them have any money, they live together, and when she was having problems with another boy she was talking about how she was still so attracted to this first boyfriend. I didn’t get it.

  5. SSG

    PS i have a friend who is a real hippy, and she always talked about her boyfriend, who has an unusual name. I imagined him hippyish too, same age, long hair etc. She is 27 or abouts. i met him. he is short, bald (well white come over) yellow teeth, and about 70. Neither of them have any money, they live together, and when she was having problems with another boy she was talking about how she was still so attracted to this first boyfriend. I didn’t get it.

  6. SSG

    PS i have a friend who is a real hippy, and she always talked about her boyfriend, who has an unusual name. I imagined him hippyish too, same age, long hair etc. She is 27 or abouts. i met him. he is short, bald (well white come over) yellow teeth, and about 70. Neither of them have any money, they live together, and when she was having problems with another boy she was talking about how she was still so attracted to this first boyfriend. I didn’t get it.

  7. Gina

    i would love to sit down and chat with this eyelash girl and see what kind of person she is…. what led her to be soo desperate??
    p.s i haven’t started the book yet but believe me i will NEVER EVER believe that nice, innocent people cause bad things to happen to them. Sometimes horrible things hapopen to good people for no reason at all. i do however think it is nice to believe that positive thoughts can bring about positive outcomes 🙂

  8. Gina

    i would love to sit down and chat with this eyelash girl and see what kind of person she is…. what led her to be soo desperate??
    p.s i haven’t started the book yet but believe me i will NEVER EVER believe that nice, innocent people cause bad things to happen to them. Sometimes horrible things hapopen to good people for no reason at all. i do however think it is nice to believe that positive thoughts can bring about positive outcomes 🙂

  9. Gina

    i would love to sit down and chat with this eyelash girl and see what kind of person she is…. what led her to be soo desperate??
    p.s i haven’t started the book yet but believe me i will NEVER EVER believe that nice, innocent people cause bad things to happen to them. Sometimes horrible things hapopen to good people for no reason at all. i do however think it is nice to believe that positive thoughts can bring about positive outcomes 🙂

  10. Di

    Well, lots of men keep their brain in their pants. But a tongue in his ear? ACK… maybe she was looking for his brain??

  11. Di

    Well, lots of men keep their brain in their pants. But a tongue in his ear? ACK… maybe she was looking for his brain??

  12. Di

    Well, lots of men keep their brain in their pants. But a tongue in his ear? ACK… maybe she was looking for his brain??

  13. Lori

    My goodness, I felt sick to my stomach myself as I read this story. Daddy? You have got to be flippin kiddin? People really talk like this? I’ve heard stories of the sort of a much younger woman talking in this fashion to her older boyfriend and each and every time I am flabergasted. I would love to be witness to something like this just to see it for myself but I would most likely start laughing as I am prone to doing when I see anything weird. I so wish you had gotten a picture but you did a very good job of describing her.
    Now I have quite the mental image to think about today!

  14. Lori

    My goodness, I felt sick to my stomach myself as I read this story. Daddy? You have got to be flippin kiddin? People really talk like this? I’ve heard stories of the sort of a much younger woman talking in this fashion to her older boyfriend and each and every time I am flabergasted. I would love to be witness to something like this just to see it for myself but I would most likely start laughing as I am prone to doing when I see anything weird. I so wish you had gotten a picture but you did a very good job of describing her.
    Now I have quite the mental image to think about today!

  15. Lori

    My goodness, I felt sick to my stomach myself as I read this story. Daddy? You have got to be flippin kiddin? People really talk like this? I’ve heard stories of the sort of a much younger woman talking in this fashion to her older boyfriend and each and every time I am flabergasted. I would love to be witness to something like this just to see it for myself but I would most likely start laughing as I am prone to doing when I see anything weird. I so wish you had gotten a picture but you did a very good job of describing her.
    Now I have quite the mental image to think about today!

  16. Jan

    Okay, you’re the second blogger in a week who has managed to complete gross me out.
    Either my favorite bloggers are very, very good or I’m just getting really, really old (and nauseous).
    The ear thing just creeped me out. Eww.

  17. Jan

    Okay, you’re the second blogger in a week who has managed to complete gross me out.
    Either my favorite bloggers are very, very good or I’m just getting really, really old (and nauseous).
    The ear thing just creeped me out. Eww.

  18. Jan

    Okay, you’re the second blogger in a week who has managed to complete gross me out.
    Either my favorite bloggers are very, very good or I’m just getting really, really old (and nauseous).
    The ear thing just creeped me out. Eww.

  19. Linda

    I don’t think I will ever understand people like that. I would like to be calm enough to actually have said something to her at the gas station like “oh didn’t I see you at the restaurant last night?” But I probably would’nt have been able to stop there. I probably would have said something stupid like “OMG! Are you out of your mind? And the the ear thing? In public?!?” You have way more self control than I do!

  20. Linda

    I don’t think I will ever understand people like that. I would like to be calm enough to actually have said something to her at the gas station like “oh didn’t I see you at the restaurant last night?” But I probably would’nt have been able to stop there. I probably would have said something stupid like “OMG! Are you out of your mind? And the the ear thing? In public?!?” You have way more self control than I do!

  21. Linda

    I don’t think I will ever understand people like that. I would like to be calm enough to actually have said something to her at the gas station like “oh didn’t I see you at the restaurant last night?” But I probably would’nt have been able to stop there. I probably would have said something stupid like “OMG! Are you out of your mind? And the the ear thing? In public?!?” You have way more self control than I do!

  22. EricaB

    You are so brave!!! There are so many things I see that I want to snap a picture of for bloggin material. I NEVER have the guts!

  23. EricaB

    You are so brave!!! There are so many things I see that I want to snap a picture of for bloggin material. I NEVER have the guts!

  24. EricaB

    You are so brave!!! There are so many things I see that I want to snap a picture of for bloggin material. I NEVER have the guts!

  25. Joanne

    Damn! I was salivating, waiting for a pic of big rubber-boobie, glaring, corvette. baby-barbie!!! Damn!
    I was even imagining her stomping her foot and threatning to tell her “daddy”
    hahahaha

  26. Joanne

    Damn! I was salivating, waiting for a pic of big rubber-boobie, glaring, corvette. baby-barbie!!! Damn!
    I was even imagining her stomping her foot and threatning to tell her “daddy”
    hahahaha

  27. Joanne

    Damn! I was salivating, waiting for a pic of big rubber-boobie, glaring, corvette. baby-barbie!!! Damn!
    I was even imagining her stomping her foot and threatning to tell her “daddy”
    hahahaha

  28. Kristan Hoffman

    HAHAHA ditto Joanne! I was totally craving that pic. I’m impressed you even risked trying to take it. Props for that, even though she caught you.
    Yeah, women like this? Not likely to become my new BFFs. At the same time, I won’t judge her motivations until I know them. I will, however, say EW WTF to her actions in the middle of the restaurant!

  29. Kristan Hoffman

    HAHAHA ditto Joanne! I was totally craving that pic. I’m impressed you even risked trying to take it. Props for that, even though she caught you.
    Yeah, women like this? Not likely to become my new BFFs. At the same time, I won’t judge her motivations until I know them. I will, however, say EW WTF to her actions in the middle of the restaurant!

  30. Kristan Hoffman

    HAHAHA ditto Joanne! I was totally craving that pic. I’m impressed you even risked trying to take it. Props for that, even though she caught you.
    Yeah, women like this? Not likely to become my new BFFs. At the same time, I won’t judge her motivations until I know them. I will, however, say EW WTF to her actions in the middle of the restaurant!

  31. goodfather

    Hey, here’s something to try. When you want to take a picture, hold your phone out as if you’re trying to catch a satellite signal – point it at the ground, the sky, shake your head – and then point it at the fake-boobed-giant-eye-lashed-ear-licker as if by accident.
    CLICK. 😉

  32. goodfather

    Hey, here’s something to try. When you want to take a picture, hold your phone out as if you’re trying to catch a satellite signal – point it at the ground, the sky, shake your head – and then point it at the fake-boobed-giant-eye-lashed-ear-licker as if by accident.
    CLICK. 😉

  33. goodfather

    Hey, here’s something to try. When you want to take a picture, hold your phone out as if you’re trying to catch a satellite signal – point it at the ground, the sky, shake your head – and then point it at the fake-boobed-giant-eye-lashed-ear-licker as if by accident.
    CLICK. 😉

  34. Liz C

    Wow. If I had read that in a book or seen it on TV, I would have dismissed it as a totally overblown caricature. It stuns me that people really do look and act like that on purpose.
    (ear wax! gah!)

  35. Liz C

    Wow. If I had read that in a book or seen it on TV, I would have dismissed it as a totally overblown caricature. It stuns me that people really do look and act like that on purpose.
    (ear wax! gah!)

  36. Liz C

    Wow. If I had read that in a book or seen it on TV, I would have dismissed it as a totally overblown caricature. It stuns me that people really do look and act like that on purpose.
    (ear wax! gah!)

  37. Kelly

    So all day now I’m going to have ear job in my brain. Gross! And thank you for the mental image.

  38. Kelly

    So all day now I’m going to have ear job in my brain. Gross! And thank you for the mental image.

  39. Kelly

    So all day now I’m going to have ear job in my brain. Gross! And thank you for the mental image.

  40. Sandra

    Gross. I would have been so embarrased to have witnessed the restaurant part. You’re brave to have tried to take her picture.

  41. Sandra

    Gross. I would have been so embarrased to have witnessed the restaurant part. You’re brave to have tried to take her picture.

  42. Sandra

    Gross. I would have been so embarrased to have witnessed the restaurant part. You’re brave to have tried to take her picture.

  43. MadWoman

    Dammit! The whole way through the post I was hoping you got a picture of her, and then got really excited towards the end there. However, I too have a strong mental image that I now wish I could shake 🙂

  44. MadWoman

    Dammit! The whole way through the post I was hoping you got a picture of her, and then got really excited towards the end there. However, I too have a strong mental image that I now wish I could shake 🙂

  45. MadWoman

    Dammit! The whole way through the post I was hoping you got a picture of her, and then got really excited towards the end there. However, I too have a strong mental image that I now wish I could shake 🙂

  46. Lo

    DAMN!!! i wanted proof that this stupidity could exist and parade around. second thought, i’ll skip it. yikes.
    that’s just so nasty. i seriously grimaced and felt ill while reading this. (betcha never thought someone would say that about yer blog, huh?)

  47. Lo

    DAMN!!! i wanted proof that this stupidity could exist and parade around. second thought, i’ll skip it. yikes.
    that’s just so nasty. i seriously grimaced and felt ill while reading this. (betcha never thought someone would say that about yer blog, huh?)

  48. Lo

    DAMN!!! i wanted proof that this stupidity could exist and parade around. second thought, i’ll skip it. yikes.
    that’s just so nasty. i seriously grimaced and felt ill while reading this. (betcha never thought someone would say that about yer blog, huh?)

  49. Stepping Thru

    Oh GAG! I had an experience in Vegas where an older lady was teaching me to play a card game and a really young man came up and asked her for some money. I thought he was her grandson. I said, how nice to have someone to enjoy Vegas with and she smiled and said “Yes, we are enjoying a lot of things together. He’s my boyfriend.” I know I stared at her in disbelief. He came over several other times and did the old “rub and feel her up” thing and she would smile and hand him money. I had to leave the table because it was so sickening.

  50. Stepping Thru

    Oh GAG! I had an experience in Vegas where an older lady was teaching me to play a card game and a really young man came up and asked her for some money. I thought he was her grandson. I said, how nice to have someone to enjoy Vegas with and she smiled and said “Yes, we are enjoying a lot of things together. He’s my boyfriend.” I know I stared at her in disbelief. He came over several other times and did the old “rub and feel her up” thing and she would smile and hand him money. I had to leave the table because it was so sickening.

  51. Stepping Thru

    Oh GAG! I had an experience in Vegas where an older lady was teaching me to play a card game and a really young man came up and asked her for some money. I thought he was her grandson. I said, how nice to have someone to enjoy Vegas with and she smiled and said “Yes, we are enjoying a lot of things together. He’s my boyfriend.” I know I stared at her in disbelief. He came over several other times and did the old “rub and feel her up” thing and she would smile and hand him money. I had to leave the table because it was so sickening.

  52. Midlife Mama

    Ughhhhhhhh I want to take a shower now. ::shudder:: Truly, that is….mind bogglingly disgusting. “Daddy”????? EWWWWWwwwww gawd. There aren’t words. That girl is one big fat 10 carat diamond ring-sized step away from a hooker. Hell, she IS a — well, I was going to say “high class hooker,” but certainly high class isn’t part of the equation. Not that that equation adds up to anything but possibly the MOST disgusting thing I’ve read about since Last Comic Standing went to the Playboy Mansion.
    Where do they get — er– buy — these women anyway???
    Bleeeeck.

  53. Midlife Mama

    Ughhhhhhhh I want to take a shower now. ::shudder:: Truly, that is….mind bogglingly disgusting. “Daddy”????? EWWWWWwwwww gawd. There aren’t words. That girl is one big fat 10 carat diamond ring-sized step away from a hooker. Hell, she IS a — well, I was going to say “high class hooker,” but certainly high class isn’t part of the equation. Not that that equation adds up to anything but possibly the MOST disgusting thing I’ve read about since Last Comic Standing went to the Playboy Mansion.
    Where do they get — er– buy — these women anyway???
    Bleeeeck.

  54. Midlife Mama

    Ughhhhhhhh I want to take a shower now. ::shudder:: Truly, that is….mind bogglingly disgusting. “Daddy”????? EWWWWWwwwww gawd. There aren’t words. That girl is one big fat 10 carat diamond ring-sized step away from a hooker. Hell, she IS a — well, I was going to say “high class hooker,” but certainly high class isn’t part of the equation. Not that that equation adds up to anything but possibly the MOST disgusting thing I’ve read about since Last Comic Standing went to the Playboy Mansion.
    Where do they get — er– buy — these women anyway???
    Bleeeeck.

  55. Helena

    Don’t worry about the photo. You’ve described her so well my mental image is clear as crystal.
    Sucking ear wax out of a man’s ear in return for a 10 carat diamond and a Corvette… hmmmm… nope, not worth it!
    Thank you very much! Really enjoyed the post.

  56. Helena

    Don’t worry about the photo. You’ve described her so well my mental image is clear as crystal.
    Sucking ear wax out of a man’s ear in return for a 10 carat diamond and a Corvette… hmmmm… nope, not worth it!
    Thank you very much! Really enjoyed the post.

  57. Helena

    Don’t worry about the photo. You’ve described her so well my mental image is clear as crystal.
    Sucking ear wax out of a man’s ear in return for a 10 carat diamond and a Corvette… hmmmm… nope, not worth it!
    Thank you very much! Really enjoyed the post.

  58. Buckethead

    Ewwww!! If she’s going to suck his ear wax out, she should be driving something considerably better than a Corvette, dumb hooker.

  59. Buckethead

    Ewwww!! If she’s going to suck his ear wax out, she should be driving something considerably better than a Corvette, dumb hooker.

  60. Buckethead

    Ewwww!! If she’s going to suck his ear wax out, she should be driving something considerably better than a Corvette, dumb hooker.

  61. alntv

    I hope when I’m that age I can AFFORD a woman like that…
    uh…did I just type that out loud?

  62. alntv

    I hope when I’m that age I can AFFORD a woman like that…
    uh…did I just type that out loud?

  63. alntv

    I hope when I’m that age I can AFFORD a woman like that…
    uh…did I just type that out loud?

  64. Zandor

    Ewww.. to the first part. As far as you taking a picture I can kind of imagine her in my head.

  65. Zandor

    Ewww.. to the first part. As far as you taking a picture I can kind of imagine her in my head.

  66. Zandor

    Ewww.. to the first part. As far as you taking a picture I can kind of imagine her in my head.

  67. thistle

    really was hoping for the pic…dammit. You must try goodfather’s technique next time…we need to see these strange beasts with our own eyes altho, seriously…aren’t there paparazzi everywhere down there, so why would she care?…unless she thought your were a P.I. hired by daddy’s wife…hmmm…or by daddy himself…
    bet that made for some interesting conversation between daddy and his little girl later that night?

  68. thistle

    really was hoping for the pic…dammit. You must try goodfather’s technique next time…we need to see these strange beasts with our own eyes altho, seriously…aren’t there paparazzi everywhere down there, so why would she care?…unless she thought your were a P.I. hired by daddy’s wife…hmmm…or by daddy himself…
    bet that made for some interesting conversation between daddy and his little girl later that night?

  69. thistle

    really was hoping for the pic…dammit. You must try goodfather’s technique next time…we need to see these strange beasts with our own eyes altho, seriously…aren’t there paparazzi everywhere down there, so why would she care?…unless she thought your were a P.I. hired by daddy’s wife…hmmm…or by daddy himself…
    bet that made for some interesting conversation between daddy and his little girl later that night?

  70. Sugee

    Wow. To that story. I appreciate you trying to get a pic for us, that was awesome! lol

  71. Sugee

    Wow. To that story. I appreciate you trying to get a pic for us, that was awesome! lol

  72. Sugee

    Wow. To that story. I appreciate you trying to get a pic for us, that was awesome! lol

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