I got a little aroused at the dentist yesterday. Oh wow – now I'm blushing. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Oh, and Briefcase? Maybe you should skip this post and come back tomorrow.
Several years ago I was looking for a new dentist. I have a friend who works at an orthodontist's office so I asked her for recommendations. She took out a piece of paper and wrote down five names for me.
"Any one of these would be excellent," she said as she handed me the paper.
I noticed one name was underlined repeatedly and had several stars by it.
"Why did you do that?" I asked pointing to the stars.
"He's smoking hot," she answered with a gleam in her eye.
"Is he a good dentist?" I asked.
"Smoking hot," she repeated while nodding her head in the affirmative. Then she added, "I don't know if you can get in to see him because everyone wants him," she chortled.
Well, I did get an appointment with him and Dr. Drool has been our family dentist ever since. Yes he is, in fact, smoking hot. I'm usually immune to super-hot men because it's been my experience that the very hottest of the male species are usually overly enamored with themselves. Dr. Drool, however, is breath stopping gorgeous, and funny, and nice, and warm, and, and, and!
Nonetheless, I hate going to the dentist. I dread it for days ahead of time, I try to think of excuses to cancel appointments and I feel anxious the day I have to go. I don't know why. I'm in my forties and I've never even had a cavity. I blame my mom. My mom was born with nonstop dental problems and has endured enough dental work for both of us combined and then some. Her fear of dentists is so acute, I think she somehow passed it on to me even though I've never had a single reason of my own to fear them.
Yesterday I went to get my teeth cleaned. Dr. Drool recently had his entire office renovated. The hygienist escorted me back to a small room where a "lounge chair" awaited me. I sat down. The chair moved me into a reclining position and began vibrating.
"Do you like our new massage chair?" she asked.
"Um, sure?" I countered.
She moved a small flat screen tv so I had a perfect view of it as I reclined.
"Oh MY!" I suddenly exclaimed.
A male voice laughed from behind me. I turned, and saw Dr. Drool had entered the room.
"Is the massage chair heating up nicely?" he asked.
Heat and vibration. OK, I admit, I'm easy like that.
Add in a male next to me who looks like Dr. Drool and I started worrying I might simultaneously combust. Or something.
"Yes, it is heating up very nicely," I answered.
Dr. Drool sat down next to me and chatted for a few minutes. Then his eyes met mine and he said, "I always love when you come in. You have the most beautiful smile."
I know this is what dentists say to patients a million times a day, but don't anyone out there in Internet-World interfere with my fantasy for even one minute. It's a damn good fantasy and I'm entitled to cling to it for as long as I want to.
I confessed to Dr. Drool how much I hate going to the dentist and he looked surprised. He reminded me I've never even had a cavity. He looked puzzled and hurt. My heart melted just a little bit right then because … ahem, he's really quite something and I couldn't help it.
He listed all he's done to make things better for his patients. Massaging chairs. With vibration. With heat. (I had not forgotten!) Flat screen TVs, headphones for music, and on and on he went.
Then he said, "I know! You'll love this. Can I massage some gel on you? It tingles and you're going to love it!"
I looked at Dr. Drool. I could not even answer him. I was already floating in that pre-orgasmic space just from his the heat and vibration.
Massage me? Tingly gel?
I suppose I should have said no thanks??
"Open up," Dr. Drool smiled.
My mind was sooooo in the gutter at this point.
Can I just say in my defense, you've never seen Dr. Drool? I think most of you (male or female) would have been feeling the exact same way I was at that point.
Dr. Drool started massaging my gums. It was not quite as intoxicating as what I'd hoped he'd planned. I don't know if I've ever had a "gum massage" before, but I think not. A minute later I felt the tingle. It was not an unpleasant experience.
Dr. Drool then proceeded with his dental exam. No cavities, great teeth, same thing I hear every time.
I was a little reluctant to leave. I had to give up the heat, the vibration, the tingle and Dr. Drool. Oh well, at least I know I'll be back for another visit in six months.
Also? Thank God this man did not decide to go into gynecology!