Porta-Potty Problems

How many of you are up for a gross, disgusting topic today?  No one?  Fine, I'll go right ahead anyway.

Every time I write a post I get at least one email or comment that reminds me I'm talking to the whole world and not just my BFF down the street.  (Yes, I'm quite popular … I now have inflated my own ego into believing THE WHOLE WORLD logs on each day.  Humbleness is such a fine trait!)  

For example, when I wrote about my Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies I didn't think about the fact that many readers would need metric conversions.

Forgive me.

I write as if I'm talking to my good friend Nike (hi Nike!) and I forget that some of you are living in Japan or South Africa or even some countries I've not heard much about (Andorra?).  The Internet is amaaaaaaazing.      

I don't know if every country has porta-potties?  Therefore, I will give a brief explanation of what a porta-potty is so no one is confused.  A porta-potty is a portable toilet.  It's in a plastic booth which Nasty Toilet Men bring to various locations which are lacking in real toilets.  (I apologize in advance TOTALLY if you are, or one of your loved ones is, a Nasty Toilet Man!)  I apologize even more if you live somewhere that doesn't have toilets.  But if you do?  You probably don't have the Internet either and therefore you aren't reading this. 

A person enters a porta-potty booth and then latches the door shut.  When you latch it shut a sign appears on the outside saying, "occupied" so that everyone knows they may not enter while you have your privates exposed.  If no one is in the booth porta-potty, the door sign reads "vacant."  Vacant is deceiving because no porta-potty is ever really empty.  Never, ever!

Porta-potties have no running water.  No running water means no flushing.  They basically have a toilet seat with a big hole underneath it for … waste to fall into.  And the Nasty Toilet Men leave the porta-potties fermenting with waste from all sorts of creatures for all eternity before they eventually pick them up, take them away, and do GodKnowsWhat with them.  If you know what the Nasty Toilet Men do with full and overflowing porta-potties, please don't tell me.  It makes me gag just to think about it.

The stench of a porta-potty is indescribable.  (Holding back barf as I write this!)

Why have I just described porta-potties to the Internet?  Well, for one thing porta-potties are a topic I've had to think a lot about the last few days.  I spent the majority of my weekend at a baseball tournament for PR with nothing but ONE porta-potty available for several hundred people.  Disgusting?  Oh yes, very disgusting.

On Saturday I set my alarm for 5 a.m. I wanted to have time to shower, shave my pretty little legs, shampoo, dress and make a good breakfast for PR prior to waking him at 6 a.m.  I'm very Martha-Stewartish like that.  We were planning to leave the house at 6:30 a.m. to drive to the tournament.  I'm not a morning person.  At all.  I drank a half pot of coffee before leaving the house just in an attempt to wake up.  I stopped at Starbucks on the way to the tournament for more coffee.

By the time we arrived I needed to pee.  I looked around for a bathroom and there stood the one and only facility available.  A porta-potty.  I have a few rules I follow in my life.  One of them is to never, ever, enter a porta-potty no matter what.  I will not do it.  I haven't been in a porta-potty in at least ten years.  I decided right then, at 7 a.m. with an overflowing bladder, to not pee the entire day.

At 9:00 a.m. I almost wet my pants and gave up the fight.  A friend reached into her purse and handed me a packet.  I looked at the packet and discovered she had given me "portable toilet seat covers" for the porta-potty.  I was grateful, but surprised.  First of all, I hadn't even known we'd be forced to use a porta-potty.  Second, I didn't know a person on earth dared to actually sit on the seat in one.  (Don't most women do the Squat and Hover rather than actually sit?)

I walked to the porta-potty.  I eyed it warily with my toilet seat covers in my hand.  I gulped in one last breath of fresh air and then I entered, held my breath, latched the door, placed a toilet seat cover down, and averted my eyes from the hole in case I might see something that would scar me for life.  I dropped my pants and peed as quickly as possible.  While I was peeing (and I was very fast in an effort to escape the dreaded porta-potty) I couldn't help but notice my very cramped surroundings.

Porta-potties have improved themselves somewhat over the years.  There was a "urinal" connected on one side for the men.  I've never really understood urinals and I suppose there is no reason why I need to.  (I admit, I thought maybe it was a strange type of sink at first glance, but remember?  No running water.  Therefore I knew not to wash my hands in it!)  In addition, the porta-potty had a dispenser filled with hand sanitizer so you could (maybe) kill off a few of the bazillion germs no your hands prior to leaving.

I got out of there as fast as I possibly could, dousing myself with gallons of hand sanitizer in hopes to kill every germ imaginable.  I waited until I was five feet away from the porta-potty to inhale again and then I rushed over to my friend.  I informed her I needed an immediate shower.  Just being in the porta-potty made me feel dirty, disgusting, and germ filled.

Damn, I drank way too much coffee though.  An hour later I grabbed my friend's toilet seat covers and re-entered porta-potty hell.  I vowed not to drink anything the remainder of the weekend.  Saturday night I returned home.  The temperature had been in the high eighties all day.  I was sunburned and dehydrated, but I hadn't dared to drink a thing all day since my early morning coffee.  My two dreadful trips to the porta-potty had sustained me for the remainder of the day.

The moment I got home, I took a shower.  I peeled off my clothes and threw them in the laundry.  I vowed not to drink a thing on Sunday in an attempt to avoid having to re-enter the dreaded porta-potty. 

I almost made it.  I even skipped my morning coffee when I, again, had to rise at an early hour for baseball the next day.  Unfortunately, PR's team kept winning on Sunday.  The more the team wins, the longer they keep playing.  I arrived at the tournament at 7 a.m. and didn't leave until after 4 p.m.  In those 9 hours, I made one horrific trip to the porta-potty.  I won't tell you why it was so horrific, but oh dear God, it was horrific.

Yes, I'm scarred for life.  I'm also very dehydrated from being outdoors all weekend and never daring to take even a sip of water.  I'll be drinking for days just to rehydrate my body. 

I
never knew I could appreciate a normal, flushing toilet so much.

61 Responses to “Porta-Potty Problems”

  1. SSG

    Oooh, yeah portable loos are not the nicest of things… and think that at music festivals here some people get kicks out of pushing them over. just hope no-one is inside, but think what leaks out…
    However, once i was in Australia and needed to go to the toilet SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD… you won’t believe how relieved I was to see a portable loo. I don’t hate them so bad now.

  2. SSG

    Oooh, yeah portable loos are not the nicest of things… and think that at music festivals here some people get kicks out of pushing them over. just hope no-one is inside, but think what leaks out…
    However, once i was in Australia and needed to go to the toilet SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD… you won’t believe how relieved I was to see a portable loo. I don’t hate them so bad now.

  3. SSG

    Oooh, yeah portable loos are not the nicest of things… and think that at music festivals here some people get kicks out of pushing them over. just hope no-one is inside, but think what leaks out…
    However, once i was in Australia and needed to go to the toilet SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD… you won’t believe how relieved I was to see a portable loo. I don’t hate them so bad now.

  4. Linda

    Ah yes. Port-a-John. Johnny on the Spot. Pee-Can. A dreaded necessity in someplaces. I would certainly complain to whoever was running the tounament about the lack of facilities but I suppose one was better than none.
    And why do they wait so long to call the Toilet Man to come clean them? We have had one down the street at a new home construction site forever! I think it’s been cleaned once. Pee-U!

  5. Linda

    Ah yes. Port-a-John. Johnny on the Spot. Pee-Can. A dreaded necessity in someplaces. I would certainly complain to whoever was running the tounament about the lack of facilities but I suppose one was better than none.
    And why do they wait so long to call the Toilet Man to come clean them? We have had one down the street at a new home construction site forever! I think it’s been cleaned once. Pee-U!

  6. Linda

    Ah yes. Port-a-John. Johnny on the Spot. Pee-Can. A dreaded necessity in someplaces. I would certainly complain to whoever was running the tounament about the lack of facilities but I suppose one was better than none.
    And why do they wait so long to call the Toilet Man to come clean them? We have had one down the street at a new home construction site forever! I think it’s been cleaned once. Pee-U!

  7. phhhst

    ug. Nothing worse than porta potties. I’ve been known to get in my car and drive someplace where there is a flushing toilet.

  8. phhhst

    ug. Nothing worse than porta potties. I’ve been known to get in my car and drive someplace where there is a flushing toilet.

  9. phhhst

    ug. Nothing worse than porta potties. I’ve been known to get in my car and drive someplace where there is a flushing toilet.

  10. Lo

    uuuugggghhhh. sigh. you better drink 120oz of water today or else you may get something that is so painful i can only describe it as TORTURE (uhm. bladder infection. oh holy HELL i have problems with these, i know tmi, but seriously, i’m just being concerned about you. bc mine turn into kidney infections. and that, my friends, is a whole post on it’s own.) and that is no fun at all. so drink away. avoid caffiene. it’ll only screw up your dehydration more.
    and uhm THANK GOD YOU DIDNT ATTEMP TO WASH YOUR HANDS IN THE URINAL!!!!!!!!! oh my god when you wrote that you thought it was a sink i was like NONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!
    phew.

  11. Lo

    uuuugggghhhh. sigh. you better drink 120oz of water today or else you may get something that is so painful i can only describe it as TORTURE (uhm. bladder infection. oh holy HELL i have problems with these, i know tmi, but seriously, i’m just being concerned about you. bc mine turn into kidney infections. and that, my friends, is a whole post on it’s own.) and that is no fun at all. so drink away. avoid caffiene. it’ll only screw up your dehydration more.
    and uhm THANK GOD YOU DIDNT ATTEMP TO WASH YOUR HANDS IN THE URINAL!!!!!!!!! oh my god when you wrote that you thought it was a sink i was like NONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!
    phew.

  12. Lo

    uuuugggghhhh. sigh. you better drink 120oz of water today or else you may get something that is so painful i can only describe it as TORTURE (uhm. bladder infection. oh holy HELL i have problems with these, i know tmi, but seriously, i’m just being concerned about you. bc mine turn into kidney infections. and that, my friends, is a whole post on it’s own.) and that is no fun at all. so drink away. avoid caffiene. it’ll only screw up your dehydration more.
    and uhm THANK GOD YOU DIDNT ATTEMP TO WASH YOUR HANDS IN THE URINAL!!!!!!!!! oh my god when you wrote that you thought it was a sink i was like NONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!
    phew.

  13. Kristan Hoffman

    Oy. I haven’t been in one in years either, and you sure are making me glad of that. The worst I come in contact with on a regular basis are airplane toilets, which I prefer not to use but do not fear or loathe.
    Also, to answer the question about sitting or squatting, I think it all depends on the condition of the bathroom. Maybe I’m weird, but I prefer to sit if possible. I ALWAYS wipe the seat off first, though. And if it’s really bad, hey, I’m not crazy, I can squat with the best of ’em!
    (Okay maybe not the BEST of them…)

  14. Kristan Hoffman

    Oy. I haven’t been in one in years either, and you sure are making me glad of that. The worst I come in contact with on a regular basis are airplane toilets, which I prefer not to use but do not fear or loathe.
    Also, to answer the question about sitting or squatting, I think it all depends on the condition of the bathroom. Maybe I’m weird, but I prefer to sit if possible. I ALWAYS wipe the seat off first, though. And if it’s really bad, hey, I’m not crazy, I can squat with the best of ’em!
    (Okay maybe not the BEST of them…)

  15. Kristan Hoffman

    Oy. I haven’t been in one in years either, and you sure are making me glad of that. The worst I come in contact with on a regular basis are airplane toilets, which I prefer not to use but do not fear or loathe.
    Also, to answer the question about sitting or squatting, I think it all depends on the condition of the bathroom. Maybe I’m weird, but I prefer to sit if possible. I ALWAYS wipe the seat off first, though. And if it’s really bad, hey, I’m not crazy, I can squat with the best of ’em!
    (Okay maybe not the BEST of them…)

  16. goodfather

    I believe the answer to why guys have a urinal is ‘Squat and Hover’. 😀 But that could be a blog post all by itself. Just sayin.
    My favorite (if you can have a favorite) brand of porta-potty? The Honey Bucket. Just because the name is such an oxymoron.

  17. goodfather

    I believe the answer to why guys have a urinal is ‘Squat and Hover’. 😀 But that could be a blog post all by itself. Just sayin.
    My favorite (if you can have a favorite) brand of porta-potty? The Honey Bucket. Just because the name is such an oxymoron.

  18. goodfather

    I believe the answer to why guys have a urinal is ‘Squat and Hover’. 😀 But that could be a blog post all by itself. Just sayin.
    My favorite (if you can have a favorite) brand of porta-potty? The Honey Bucket. Just because the name is such an oxymoron.

  19. Donna in VA

    Ick! Porta Potties are the worst. I’m not typically a girly girl, EXCEPT when it comes to those things. I’m the girliest girl around. Back home, we called them Satan’s Asshole.

  20. Donna in VA

    Ick! Porta Potties are the worst. I’m not typically a girly girl, EXCEPT when it comes to those things. I’m the girliest girl around. Back home, we called them Satan’s Asshole.

  21. Donna in VA

    Ick! Porta Potties are the worst. I’m not typically a girly girl, EXCEPT when it comes to those things. I’m the girliest girl around. Back home, we called them Satan’s Asshole.

  22. emmysuh

    I hate portapotties TOO. I try to avoid them at all costs but when you have overactive bladder like I do, somedays, it is LITERALLY a choice between peeing one’s pants or peeing in less than savory bathroom situations, you go with the later.
    Of course, I live in a dorm with community bathrooms, so my bathroom is in a constant state of miserable squalor.
    Drink plenty of fluids today!

  23. emmysuh

    I hate portapotties TOO. I try to avoid them at all costs but when you have overactive bladder like I do, somedays, it is LITERALLY a choice between peeing one’s pants or peeing in less than savory bathroom situations, you go with the later.
    Of course, I live in a dorm with community bathrooms, so my bathroom is in a constant state of miserable squalor.
    Drink plenty of fluids today!

  24. emmysuh

    I hate portapotties TOO. I try to avoid them at all costs but when you have overactive bladder like I do, somedays, it is LITERALLY a choice between peeing one’s pants or peeing in less than savory bathroom situations, you go with the later.
    Of course, I live in a dorm with community bathrooms, so my bathroom is in a constant state of miserable squalor.
    Drink plenty of fluids today!

  25. Judi

    Ooooohhhhhh iiiiicccckkkkk. I’m trying hard not to gag. I have kind of a fear of public toilets in general, and porta-potties especially. Haven’t been in one in many, many years. I avoid using airplane bathrooms except on international flights. I carry packets of toilet seat covers. I even took them camping and used them in the outhouse (another huge fear but I had to go along on a family trip).
    There really are no words to describe the stench in a porta-potty. Pardon me, I need to go wash my hands now, just thinking about it!

  26. Judi

    Ooooohhhhhh iiiiicccckkkkk. I’m trying hard not to gag. I have kind of a fear of public toilets in general, and porta-potties especially. Haven’t been in one in many, many years. I avoid using airplane bathrooms except on international flights. I carry packets of toilet seat covers. I even took them camping and used them in the outhouse (another huge fear but I had to go along on a family trip).
    There really are no words to describe the stench in a porta-potty. Pardon me, I need to go wash my hands now, just thinking about it!

  27. Judi

    Ooooohhhhhh iiiiicccckkkkk. I’m trying hard not to gag. I have kind of a fear of public toilets in general, and porta-potties especially. Haven’t been in one in many, many years. I avoid using airplane bathrooms except on international flights. I carry packets of toilet seat covers. I even took them camping and used them in the outhouse (another huge fear but I had to go along on a family trip).
    There really are no words to describe the stench in a porta-potty. Pardon me, I need to go wash my hands now, just thinking about it!

  28. Knappmom

    HAHA! I bet it was a nasty port a potty man who thought up the idea we see plastered on t-shirts.
    SH*T HAPPENS!
    Those things are disgusting! But bless those who have to do that to earn a buck in our economy.

  29. Knappmom

    HAHA! I bet it was a nasty port a potty man who thought up the idea we see plastered on t-shirts.
    SH*T HAPPENS!
    Those things are disgusting! But bless those who have to do that to earn a buck in our economy.

  30. Knappmom

    HAHA! I bet it was a nasty port a potty man who thought up the idea we see plastered on t-shirts.
    SH*T HAPPENS!
    Those things are disgusting! But bless those who have to do that to earn a buck in our economy.

  31. Redneck Mommy

    I’d rather pee in the bush than pee in a porta potty. Just so you know.
    Or hold it so long my kidneys fail and I get a horrific bladder infection.
    I have principles.

  32. Redneck Mommy

    I’d rather pee in the bush than pee in a porta potty. Just so you know.
    Or hold it so long my kidneys fail and I get a horrific bladder infection.
    I have principles.

  33. Redneck Mommy

    I’d rather pee in the bush than pee in a porta potty. Just so you know.
    Or hold it so long my kidneys fail and I get a horrific bladder infection.
    I have principles.

  34. Heather

    God how I hate those things. Disgusting. Your comment about washing your hands in the urinal just about made me lose it! LOL!! I’ll be smiling for DAYS on that one!

  35. Heather

    God how I hate those things. Disgusting. Your comment about washing your hands in the urinal just about made me lose it! LOL!! I’ll be smiling for DAYS on that one!

  36. Heather

    God how I hate those things. Disgusting. Your comment about washing your hands in the urinal just about made me lose it! LOL!! I’ll be smiling for DAYS on that one!

  37. Zandor

    I also hate using those. Whenever I have gone somewhere that had them I have been able to hold it. During my fall break I went hom and went with my family to a haunted house. Before we went to it we went into a hardware store that was across the street so that we could use those bathrooms. When we got to where the haunted house was there was only one porta potty. We were very glad we stopped somewhere else first.

  38. Zandor

    I also hate using those. Whenever I have gone somewhere that had them I have been able to hold it. During my fall break I went hom and went with my family to a haunted house. Before we went to it we went into a hardware store that was across the street so that we could use those bathrooms. When we got to where the haunted house was there was only one porta potty. We were very glad we stopped somewhere else first.

  39. Zandor

    I also hate using those. Whenever I have gone somewhere that had them I have been able to hold it. During my fall break I went hom and went with my family to a haunted house. Before we went to it we went into a hardware store that was across the street so that we could use those bathrooms. When we got to where the haunted house was there was only one porta potty. We were very glad we stopped somewhere else first.

  40. Stepping Thru

    I went to Nigeria a couple of years ago and would have given anything for a Porta Potty. They have a square walled in area about 8 x 8 with a trench around the sides. No toilet paper, no seat, no separate stalls and no door. You just squat and hover, get the job done and you’d better have your own wipes. They had a bucket of water outside that they all washed their hands in but they wipe with their hand…no TP! OMG it was awful! Not to mention my lily white butt was the only white one in the whole place. They were quite amused!

  41. Stepping Thru

    I went to Nigeria a couple of years ago and would have given anything for a Porta Potty. They have a square walled in area about 8 x 8 with a trench around the sides. No toilet paper, no seat, no separate stalls and no door. You just squat and hover, get the job done and you’d better have your own wipes. They had a bucket of water outside that they all washed their hands in but they wipe with their hand…no TP! OMG it was awful! Not to mention my lily white butt was the only white one in the whole place. They were quite amused!

  42. Stepping Thru

    I went to Nigeria a couple of years ago and would have given anything for a Porta Potty. They have a square walled in area about 8 x 8 with a trench around the sides. No toilet paper, no seat, no separate stalls and no door. You just squat and hover, get the job done and you’d better have your own wipes. They had a bucket of water outside that they all washed their hands in but they wipe with their hand…no TP! OMG it was awful! Not to mention my lily white butt was the only white one in the whole place. They were quite amused!

  43. Nana Diaries

    I don’t even know what to say. I have no good portapotty memories. They’re all shitty. Wipe that smile off your face. 😉
    Hey, I have offered a reward for you. Well, not exactly. Come on over to my site and see. You’ll be able to hang it over your potty. 😉
    KJ
    http://www.nanadiaries.com

  44. Nana Diaries

    I don’t even know what to say. I have no good portapotty memories. They’re all shitty. Wipe that smile off your face. 😉
    Hey, I have offered a reward for you. Well, not exactly. Come on over to my site and see. You’ll be able to hang it over your potty. 😉
    KJ
    http://www.nanadiaries.com

  45. Nana Diaries

    I don’t even know what to say. I have no good portapotty memories. They’re all shitty. Wipe that smile off your face. 😉
    Hey, I have offered a reward for you. Well, not exactly. Come on over to my site and see. You’ll be able to hang it over your potty. 😉
    KJ
    http://www.nanadiaries.com

  46. Braja

    Well I don’t know honey, you must be attracting the WHOLE WORLD, cos I’m tunin’ in from India 🙂 Loved it and yeah, I’ll be back. Hit me. No…not literally. That means, like, come to my blog. Jeez….

  47. Braja

    Well I don’t know honey, you must be attracting the WHOLE WORLD, cos I’m tunin’ in from India 🙂 Loved it and yeah, I’ll be back. Hit me. No…not literally. That means, like, come to my blog. Jeez….

  48. Braja

    Well I don’t know honey, you must be attracting the WHOLE WORLD, cos I’m tunin’ in from India 🙂 Loved it and yeah, I’ll be back. Hit me. No…not literally. That means, like, come to my blog. Jeez….

  49. Mama Dawg

    I’m sorry. I’m laughing.
    I have no problem using a porta potty. I lived in New Orleans for 10 years and during Mardi Gras? If you don’t pee? Then you’re gonna be miserable. I don’t do miserable.
    However, I DO hover and squat and bring my own TP and hand sanitizer AND toilet cover seats (even though I don’t sit…it’s for just in case I accidentally touch the seat with the back of my legs or my rear).

  50. Mama Dawg

    I’m sorry. I’m laughing.
    I have no problem using a porta potty. I lived in New Orleans for 10 years and during Mardi Gras? If you don’t pee? Then you’re gonna be miserable. I don’t do miserable.
    However, I DO hover and squat and bring my own TP and hand sanitizer AND toilet cover seats (even though I don’t sit…it’s for just in case I accidentally touch the seat with the back of my legs or my rear).

  51. Mama Dawg

    I’m sorry. I’m laughing.
    I have no problem using a porta potty. I lived in New Orleans for 10 years and during Mardi Gras? If you don’t pee? Then you’re gonna be miserable. I don’t do miserable.
    However, I DO hover and squat and bring my own TP and hand sanitizer AND toilet cover seats (even though I don’t sit…it’s for just in case I accidentally touch the seat with the back of my legs or my rear).

  52. diamond

    before using a portable toilet for me was a horror…. but not anymore thanks for the innovations being done by the rental companies like http://www.diamondprovides.com/ now i can use them as long as i want without the fear of being smelly after using those……
    Los Angeles Portable Toilets

  53. diamond

    before using a portable toilet for me was a horror…. but not anymore thanks for the innovations being done by the rental companies like http://www.diamondprovides.com/ now i can use them as long as i want without the fear of being smelly after using those……
    Los Angeles Portable Toilets

  54. diamond

    before using a portable toilet for me was a horror…. but not anymore thanks for the innovations being done by the rental companies like http://www.diamondprovides.com/ now i can use them as long as i want without the fear of being smelly after using those……
    Los Angeles Portable Toilets

  55. Angel, not really my name.

    IKR, one time I had to pee so bad. I didn’t see any bathrooms, AND MY MOM MADE ME GO INTO A PORTA POTTY. I looked around some more, and there was something strange about the Porta Potty. I knew there was NO running water, AND THERE WAS NO WAY I WOULD GO IN THAT THING! It was bad, because my mom said she would whip me if I didn’t go. So, I went in and hovered over the seat and peed really fast, and wiped myself and unlocked the door and quickly ran out!!!! I drunk a lot of soda, so you know.

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