Doctor Dollars

Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday.  RC is doing better.  Me?  Not so much. 

You want to hear about Joe the Bigamist, don't you?  Well, I promise I'll get to him tomorrow.  First I need to whine a little bit more about being sick.  Well, not really about being sick but about being knocked on my ass for several days by some mutated amoebas. 

Whatever. 

I don't even like myself when I'm sick, so how can I expect any of you to read what I write? I feel like I've experienced freak osmosis with the amoebas and become one of them.  In other words, I am a disgusting creature from a swamp right now.  I've been in my favorite, decidedly unsexy, snowman PJs for an indeterminate number of days. I've brushed my teeth but not my hair.  I've lived on a diet of tea, Advil and cough drops. I'm burning up with a fever and it won't go away.  A shower would take way more energy than I can muster.  I can't breathe, I can't swallow, and my head is going to explode brains all over the sofa any minute now.  

Yes, it is … don't argue with me.

I'm having fever-induced hallucinations of lunching at Charlie Palmer's. Then I have brief moments when I'm lucid and I suck down another honey-lemon cough drop.

I haven't been to PT since before Thanksgiving and my arm hurts like hell. Who knew The Torturer actually helps with pain when I see him?  

Yes, I DID get a flu shot this year.  So there.

Is there a point to this post?  Oh, yeah, I almost forgot ….

We have a family doctor.  He's our doctor because his office is literally a block from our house. That's really the only reason.  He does actually see his patients instead of shoving them off on one of his nurses or a PA.  If you're really, really, feeling like crap he will almost always get you an appointment the same day.

I don't like him.

I don't like any doctors so I suppose it's nothing personal. He hasn't helped me one bit with these amoebas because I've refused to get my sorry ass off the couch to drive one block to see him.  (Mind you, I made sure RC was taken care of!) 

Briefcase came home from work last night and eyed me warily.

(As in, "How can I possibly be married to that snowman, lumpish pile, moaning on the couch?")

"What did the doctor say?" he asked.

"Mumble, grumble, mumble, cough, cough!"

That made him pause for a minute.  I could feel his brain churning as he sized up my unbrushed hair, my fever-flushed face, my snowman PJs, and the Golden Retriever sprawled across my lap.

"You didn't go see Dr. Dollars did you?" he stated accusingly.

We call our doctor Dr. Dollars because he orders a million unnecessary tests every time you go in.  He also prescribes no less than forty different medications for the slightest ailment and always pronounces you officially knocking at death's door. 

It doesn't matter in the least what you went in to see him for, you're about to die dammit!  A splinter?  Let's amputate!  A cough?  Pneumonia! A sore throat!  It's strep! You can die from strep!  You can die from pneumonia!  You can die from an untreated splinter!

Dr. Dollars had to give his deposition for my car accident.  He was the doctor who initially referred me to my orthopedic surgeon.  He never treated me himself.  My lawyer (Mr. Shark) informed me Dr. Dollars "was excellent" during his deposition with the asshole insurance lawyers.  It wasn't contrived either.  Dr. Dollars truly believes I might die any day now from the car accident a few years ago.  If not, clearly, they need to amputate my bad arm.  Never mind he's never treated me, he's damn convinced of it.

My case settled the day after Dr. Dollars' deposition.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Briefcase stood there staring at me in silence for awhile.  In my fever-addled brain, I imagined he was contemplating pulling a garden hose into the house.  He'd squirt me down in an effort to reduce my fever and give me a shower all at the same time.

"I told you, you had to go to the doctor," he complained.

"I'll go tomorrow," I promised.

"I'll be gone tomorrow," he mumbled.

And then a light bulb went on right above my feverish head.  Was Briefcase concerned about my high fever of several days?  No, not at all.  Not that I'm a skeptic or anything, but Briefcase is leaving on (another) business trip.  I think he was worried I might not be quite so … accommodating before he left.

Really, do men ever think in terms of much else?  

I'm finally giving in and going to the doctor today.  Briefcase is already gone.  I imagine it will take a few days for me to start feeling better.  (Seeing as I still have a fever of 103.) I wasn't feeling very sexy last night prior to Briefcase's departure.  I know I'm a bitch when I'm sick, but I just couldn't muster the energy to feel sorry for him.  How about you?

75 Responses to “Doctor Dollars”

  1. Linda

    Why is is we rush to take care of our family when they have the slightest symptom but when it comes toourselves we brush it off?
    Get thee to the doctor! Don’t make me come out there!

  2. Linda

    Why is is we rush to take care of our family when they have the slightest symptom but when it comes toourselves we brush it off?
    Get thee to the doctor! Don’t make me come out there!

  3. Linda

    Why is is we rush to take care of our family when they have the slightest symptom but when it comes toourselves we brush it off?
    Get thee to the doctor! Don’t make me come out there!

  4. Donna in VA

    Hey! I’ve been missing in action too for the past several days, but I don’t have anything nearly as cruddy as you appear to have. I sure hope you get better soon. . . since all your Joe the Bigamist fans are out here eagerly awaiting the next episode to this “soap opera” going on your neck of the woods. (cuz truly it sounds like something that could only happen on a soap)
    Feel better!!!

  5. Donna in VA

    Hey! I’ve been missing in action too for the past several days, but I don’t have anything nearly as cruddy as you appear to have. I sure hope you get better soon. . . since all your Joe the Bigamist fans are out here eagerly awaiting the next episode to this “soap opera” going on your neck of the woods. (cuz truly it sounds like something that could only happen on a soap)
    Feel better!!!

  6. Donna in VA

    Hey! I’ve been missing in action too for the past several days, but I don’t have anything nearly as cruddy as you appear to have. I sure hope you get better soon. . . since all your Joe the Bigamist fans are out here eagerly awaiting the next episode to this “soap opera” going on your neck of the woods. (cuz truly it sounds like something that could only happen on a soap)
    Feel better!!!

  7. Jan

    Well, shit. Okay, second.
    I hate doctors too – it takes and act of Congress and the threat of divorce to get me to one.
    However, if you’ve been running a fever of 103 for several days, I’d say yeah, it’s time for you to go see one.
    Oh, and the only time I ever get the flu is when some twit talks me into a flu shot.

  8. Jan

    Well, shit. Okay, second.
    I hate doctors too – it takes and act of Congress and the threat of divorce to get me to one.
    However, if you’ve been running a fever of 103 for several days, I’d say yeah, it’s time for you to go see one.
    Oh, and the only time I ever get the flu is when some twit talks me into a flu shot.

  9. Jan

    Well, shit. Okay, second.
    I hate doctors too – it takes and act of Congress and the threat of divorce to get me to one.
    However, if you’ve been running a fever of 103 for several days, I’d say yeah, it’s time for you to go see one.
    Oh, and the only time I ever get the flu is when some twit talks me into a flu shot.

  10. Midlife Mama

    O.M.G.
    Please tell me that Briefcase did NOT get his tighty whiteys in a wad because you would’nt “do” him before he left again?!?
    Say it ain’t so.
    If men would quit thinking with their “little head” for five minutes and realize having a fever of a 103 for several days is cause for concern for YOU, not for the fact that they didn’t get laid before they left! Was he worried you might get pneumonia and go into the hospital while he was gone? No. He was mad because you wouldn’t “accommodate” him.
    Puh-leeze. Dr. Jekyll would be the same way. What IS that about men? Did they totally miss that whole “concern for others” gene?
    Geez.
    Seriously, I hope you’re feeling better. Next time, sneeze in Briefcase’s face when he tries to get “romantic” when you’re sick. That’ll show him. LOL

  11. Midlife Mama

    O.M.G.
    Please tell me that Briefcase did NOT get his tighty whiteys in a wad because you would’nt “do” him before he left again?!?
    Say it ain’t so.
    If men would quit thinking with their “little head” for five minutes and realize having a fever of a 103 for several days is cause for concern for YOU, not for the fact that they didn’t get laid before they left! Was he worried you might get pneumonia and go into the hospital while he was gone? No. He was mad because you wouldn’t “accommodate” him.
    Puh-leeze. Dr. Jekyll would be the same way. What IS that about men? Did they totally miss that whole “concern for others” gene?
    Geez.
    Seriously, I hope you’re feeling better. Next time, sneeze in Briefcase’s face when he tries to get “romantic” when you’re sick. That’ll show him. LOL

  12. Midlife Mama

    O.M.G.
    Please tell me that Briefcase did NOT get his tighty whiteys in a wad because you would’nt “do” him before he left again?!?
    Say it ain’t so.
    If men would quit thinking with their “little head” for five minutes and realize having a fever of a 103 for several days is cause for concern for YOU, not for the fact that they didn’t get laid before they left! Was he worried you might get pneumonia and go into the hospital while he was gone? No. He was mad because you wouldn’t “accommodate” him.
    Puh-leeze. Dr. Jekyll would be the same way. What IS that about men? Did they totally miss that whole “concern for others” gene?
    Geez.
    Seriously, I hope you’re feeling better. Next time, sneeze in Briefcase’s face when he tries to get “romantic” when you’re sick. That’ll show him. LOL

  13. Kristan Hoffman

    Ditto what Linda said!
    As for Briefcase, I’m sure there was good will in there too, haha. He probably wanted to make sure you were taken care of and if he’s not there, he can’t make sure, can he?
    Granted, there was probably some self-interest involved as well. Men are men. I’ve come to accept that. Just like my bf has come to accept that I’m just not going to feel sexy during that time of the month. 😛

  14. Kristan Hoffman

    Ditto what Linda said!
    As for Briefcase, I’m sure there was good will in there too, haha. He probably wanted to make sure you were taken care of and if he’s not there, he can’t make sure, can he?
    Granted, there was probably some self-interest involved as well. Men are men. I’ve come to accept that. Just like my bf has come to accept that I’m just not going to feel sexy during that time of the month. 😛

  15. Kristan Hoffman

    Ditto what Linda said!
    As for Briefcase, I’m sure there was good will in there too, haha. He probably wanted to make sure you were taken care of and if he’s not there, he can’t make sure, can he?
    Granted, there was probably some self-interest involved as well. Men are men. I’ve come to accept that. Just like my bf has come to accept that I’m just not going to feel sexy during that time of the month. 😛

  16. TheQueen

    I love sex when I’m sick. You know as crappy as you feel you can make that one little part feel good.

  17. TheQueen

    I love sex when I’m sick. You know as crappy as you feel you can make that one little part feel good.

  18. TheQueen

    I love sex when I’m sick. You know as crappy as you feel you can make that one little part feel good.

  19. Kelly

    Feel sorry for Briefcase? No. You – yes. Glad you are going to the doctor finally. You still made me laugh today even with this post about how miserable you are.
    You can die from an untreated splinter. ha
    And the comment from the queen … yeah, well sex with a cold is one thing. Sex with a 103 fever is entirely different. Feel better.

  20. Kelly

    Feel sorry for Briefcase? No. You – yes. Glad you are going to the doctor finally. You still made me laugh today even with this post about how miserable you are.
    You can die from an untreated splinter. ha
    And the comment from the queen … yeah, well sex with a cold is one thing. Sex with a 103 fever is entirely different. Feel better.

  21. Kelly

    Feel sorry for Briefcase? No. You – yes. Glad you are going to the doctor finally. You still made me laugh today even with this post about how miserable you are.
    You can die from an untreated splinter. ha
    And the comment from the queen … yeah, well sex with a cold is one thing. Sex with a 103 fever is entirely different. Feel better.

  22. phhhst

    Hey you. Get better soon, whatever it takes. We call our doc the pill doc. He knows his meds.

  23. phhhst

    Hey you. Get better soon, whatever it takes. We call our doc the pill doc. He knows his meds.

  24. phhhst

    Hey you. Get better soon, whatever it takes. We call our doc the pill doc. He knows his meds.

  25. Jeanne P

    Ever hear of strep? You NEED to see a doctor! A fever that long needs to be taken care of. This said from someone who needs to be on death’s door to go to the doctor.
    Feel well soon!

  26. Jeanne P

    Ever hear of strep? You NEED to see a doctor! A fever that long needs to be taken care of. This said from someone who needs to be on death’s door to go to the doctor.
    Feel well soon!

  27. Jeanne P

    Ever hear of strep? You NEED to see a doctor! A fever that long needs to be taken care of. This said from someone who needs to be on death’s door to go to the doctor.
    Feel well soon!

  28. Angela

    Bwahahahahaha!!! That is exactly what my husband would have been thinking! Hope you feel better soon….at least it hasn’t affected your sense of humor 🙂

  29. Angela

    Bwahahahahaha!!! That is exactly what my husband would have been thinking! Hope you feel better soon….at least it hasn’t affected your sense of humor 🙂

  30. Angela

    Bwahahahahaha!!! That is exactly what my husband would have been thinking! Hope you feel better soon….at least it hasn’t affected your sense of humor 🙂

  31. Sandra

    Good Lord Woman! What took you so long?! Dr. Dollars needs to prescribe you an Rx. 103 is no joke. I rarely get sick anymore where I need to visit a doctor, but when I do I rush over there.
    I hope you feel better fast. I’m sorry you’ve been so sick.
    As for Briefcase, I have no words.

  32. Sandra

    Good Lord Woman! What took you so long?! Dr. Dollars needs to prescribe you an Rx. 103 is no joke. I rarely get sick anymore where I need to visit a doctor, but when I do I rush over there.
    I hope you feel better fast. I’m sorry you’ve been so sick.
    As for Briefcase, I have no words.

  33. Sandra

    Good Lord Woman! What took you so long?! Dr. Dollars needs to prescribe you an Rx. 103 is no joke. I rarely get sick anymore where I need to visit a doctor, but when I do I rush over there.
    I hope you feel better fast. I’m sorry you’ve been so sick.
    As for Briefcase, I have no words.

  34. sometimessophia

    Dr. Dollars? Mr. Shark? You are too funny… even when you are sick… you know, physically sick.
    Hey, why didn’t you loan the Shrek to Briefcase with a comment to the effect of “where the sun doesn’t shine?”
    Hope you feel better soon……..

  35. sometimessophia

    Dr. Dollars? Mr. Shark? You are too funny… even when you are sick… you know, physically sick.
    Hey, why didn’t you loan the Shrek to Briefcase with a comment to the effect of “where the sun doesn’t shine?”
    Hope you feel better soon……..

  36. sometimessophia

    Dr. Dollars? Mr. Shark? You are too funny… even when you are sick… you know, physically sick.
    Hey, why didn’t you loan the Shrek to Briefcase with a comment to the effect of “where the sun doesn’t shine?”
    Hope you feel better soon……..

  37. thistle

    oh lord…
    get thee to dr dollars my dear…stubborn child that you are LOL…
    hope you are feeling better soon…Christmas is coming…and it’s way more fun when you can breathe

  38. thistle

    oh lord…
    get thee to dr dollars my dear…stubborn child that you are LOL…
    hope you are feeling better soon…Christmas is coming…and it’s way more fun when you can breathe

  39. thistle

    oh lord…
    get thee to dr dollars my dear…stubborn child that you are LOL…
    hope you are feeling better soon…Christmas is coming…and it’s way more fun when you can breathe

  40. Stepping Thru

    Homemade chicken soup! If I could teleport some to you I would. Hope you are feeling better this evening. As for Briefcase, my hubby is the same way. One week after I had hip surgery he was trying to figure out a way for us to “do it” without tearing up my hip. ARGGGGGGGGG! Men!

  41. Stepping Thru

    Homemade chicken soup! If I could teleport some to you I would. Hope you are feeling better this evening. As for Briefcase, my hubby is the same way. One week after I had hip surgery he was trying to figure out a way for us to “do it” without tearing up my hip. ARGGGGGGGGG! Men!

  42. Stepping Thru

    Homemade chicken soup! If I could teleport some to you I would. Hope you are feeling better this evening. As for Briefcase, my hubby is the same way. One week after I had hip surgery he was trying to figure out a way for us to “do it” without tearing up my hip. ARGGGGGGGGG! Men!

  43. Larissa

    Oh, you sound like me… and today I was told that I have baaaaad bronchitis that may as well just plain be walking pneumonia. And my fever? Not even *really* that bad. Z-Pak and cough syrup with codeine in it to try and stop the incessant ejection attempts the nasty little ameoba creatures are trying to make USING MY LUNGS.
    So, we’ll see. Meanwhile, I got my Lyrica increased… AGAIN. Can’t wait to see how THIS affects weight gain, since I rarely eat more than my THREE YEAR OLD, but have gained OH so much. Gah!
    I, too, have not been to PT since, um… the week before Thanksgiving. Yeah – THAT sick. And I, too, have actually found myself missing at LEAST the muscle manipulations and slackenings and acupressure and… oh, the pain without it. *grumble*
    Here’s to better health for both of us! Now get your butt to the doctor, missy! 😉

  44. Larissa

    Oh, you sound like me… and today I was told that I have baaaaad bronchitis that may as well just plain be walking pneumonia. And my fever? Not even *really* that bad. Z-Pak and cough syrup with codeine in it to try and stop the incessant ejection attempts the nasty little ameoba creatures are trying to make USING MY LUNGS.
    So, we’ll see. Meanwhile, I got my Lyrica increased… AGAIN. Can’t wait to see how THIS affects weight gain, since I rarely eat more than my THREE YEAR OLD, but have gained OH so much. Gah!
    I, too, have not been to PT since, um… the week before Thanksgiving. Yeah – THAT sick. And I, too, have actually found myself missing at LEAST the muscle manipulations and slackenings and acupressure and… oh, the pain without it. *grumble*
    Here’s to better health for both of us! Now get your butt to the doctor, missy! 😉

  45. Larissa

    Oh, you sound like me… and today I was told that I have baaaaad bronchitis that may as well just plain be walking pneumonia. And my fever? Not even *really* that bad. Z-Pak and cough syrup with codeine in it to try and stop the incessant ejection attempts the nasty little ameoba creatures are trying to make USING MY LUNGS.
    So, we’ll see. Meanwhile, I got my Lyrica increased… AGAIN. Can’t wait to see how THIS affects weight gain, since I rarely eat more than my THREE YEAR OLD, but have gained OH so much. Gah!
    I, too, have not been to PT since, um… the week before Thanksgiving. Yeah – THAT sick. And I, too, have actually found myself missing at LEAST the muscle manipulations and slackenings and acupressure and… oh, the pain without it. *grumble*
    Here’s to better health for both of us! Now get your butt to the doctor, missy! 😉

  46. Jason

    What is the world coming to? So many sickos.
    When I’m sick I just want to be left alone!!! Don’t fuss, don’t talk to me, don’t tell me to do stuff. Just bring me what I want when I want it.
    And sex? Giancarlo said having sex with me while I had a 104 fever was the hottest sex he’s ever had.

  47. Jason

    What is the world coming to? So many sickos.
    When I’m sick I just want to be left alone!!! Don’t fuss, don’t talk to me, don’t tell me to do stuff. Just bring me what I want when I want it.
    And sex? Giancarlo said having sex with me while I had a 104 fever was the hottest sex he’s ever had.

  48. Jason

    What is the world coming to? So many sickos.
    When I’m sick I just want to be left alone!!! Don’t fuss, don’t talk to me, don’t tell me to do stuff. Just bring me what I want when I want it.
    And sex? Giancarlo said having sex with me while I had a 104 fever was the hottest sex he’s ever had.

  49. emmysuh

    So according to twitter, you’ve been pronounced a pneumoniac, right? Hope it clears up soon!
    You may have read my posts about my awful experiences with doctors. Blah. I hate to go and feel like a fool,I’d rather stay home and complain. 🙂

  50. emmysuh

    So according to twitter, you’ve been pronounced a pneumoniac, right? Hope it clears up soon!
    You may have read my posts about my awful experiences with doctors. Blah. I hate to go and feel like a fool,I’d rather stay home and complain. 🙂

  51. emmysuh

    So according to twitter, you’ve been pronounced a pneumoniac, right? Hope it clears up soon!
    You may have read my posts about my awful experiences with doctors. Blah. I hate to go and feel like a fool,I’d rather stay home and complain. 🙂

  52. MLS

    I rarely ever get sick and if I do, I just tell everyone I’m contagious so they’ll leave me the hell alone. I love being sick. *sigh*

  53. MLS

    I rarely ever get sick and if I do, I just tell everyone I’m contagious so they’ll leave me the hell alone. I love being sick. *sigh*

  54. MLS

    I rarely ever get sick and if I do, I just tell everyone I’m contagious so they’ll leave me the hell alone. I love being sick. *sigh*

  55. MLS

    I rarely ever get sick and if I do, I just tell everyone I’m contagious so they’ll leave me the hell alone. I love being sick. *sigh*

  56. MLS

    I rarely ever get sick and if I do, I just tell everyone I’m contagious so they’ll leave me the hell alone. I love being sick. *sigh*

  57. MLS

    I rarely ever get sick and if I do, I just tell everyone I’m contagious so they’ll leave me the hell alone. I love being sick. *sigh*

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