Those Aren't Pancakes, Those Are My Boobs!

Well, hello male readers!  How are you doing today?  I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for reading Twenty Four At Heart.  I love men.  My favorite friends are men.  I love my male readers.  That being said, I doubt if today's post will hold any interest for you.  I'm going to be talking about my boobs.  You'll find it very boring.  My feelings won't be hurt at all if you stop reading now and come back again tomorrow. Smooches and hugs to all of you!  Bye now!

Okay ladies, how are you?  I love you too!  I wouldn't want you to think for a minute that I don't.  Today's about girl talk.  Specifically, today I'd like to talk about my boobs.  

I have big boobs.  It's embarrassing really.  I sprouted size D's in sixth grade.  I know a lot of women think this would be great, but I was only 11 years old in sixth grade.  It was humiliating.  Girls resented me and boys flocked to me for all the wrong reasons.  I envied the girls who could go braless in skimpy little halter tops.  All my life I've wanted the freedom of going braless, but it's damn uncomfortable.  It also attracts a lot of unwanted attention.

ANYWAY, last Friday I had to go in for a mammogram.  No big deal, right?  I've had them before and they're usually pretty quick and uneventful. 

There's a women's breast center in South Orange County with a great reputation.  I showed up and, after the usual paperwork (and a short wait), I was shown back to a changing room to undress "from the waist up."  I was given a shirt/gown to put on over my braless beauties.

Then I was ushered back for a digital mammogram.  (All of today's pictures are from Google Images.)  

Every woman knows, without question, mammogram machines were designed by men.


So, um yeah … there's the Boob Smasher.  The top and bottom come together to smash a tit into a pancake.  I don't know what is worse – being big breasted with more to smash, or being tiny and trying to find something, anything, TO smash?  Also, the machine turns completely sideways to smash you flat from different angles.  If there are any men still reading, let me say this … the Boob Smasher smashes a boob flatter than you can imagine is possible.  A boob becomes a thin pancake.  Yes, it does! 

My boobs are not designed to do that.


The technician in this photo looks way too happy about smashing the other woman's boobs.  Also, the "patient" still has her gown on.  When I had my mammogram done I only had one arm in a sleeve at a time and the gown was pretty much a joke.  I was basically just standing around bare breasted during the whole thing.  I'm not shy, so no big deal.  I'm just pointing out the above picture may not be very realistic.  Where are the naked tits?

I'm going to take a minute here to say that I am absolutely pro-mammogram.  I encourage each of you to get them as often as your doctor recommends.  I don't want anyone to read me bitching about my mammogram and feel afraid of getting one.  Yes, they can be uncomfortable.  Sometimes they're even a little painful, but not for long.  And then they're done.  Mammograms are important !!

As background, I had a tough week pain-wise last week.  The Torturer is trying to strengthen my bum arm.  My chest and back muscles no longer work correctly.  Because of that, I already had a lot of chest pain going into the mammogram.  My pec (chest) muscles were on fire, burning, when I would breathe last week.  (Remember my Under The Influence post?)

My technician greeted me and exclaimed excitedly, "I remember you!  You're the woman from the terrible car accident."

I swear I've never seen her before in my life.

I looked at her puzzled.  This, unfortunately, has happened before.  With five surgeries in a two year span, I was very drugged up for months at a time.  My memory during my drugged up periods is sketchy at best.  There are a lot of huge gaps in my memory.

She went on to tell me she'd done my last mammogram and remembered having to move my arm for me.  She knew I'd gone through multiple surgeries and blah, blah, blah. Hmmm.  Well, I do know I've had one other mammogram since the accident so I just smiled and nodded as if I remembered her too.  (Never seen her before in my life, I swear!)


No, that's not me.  It's just another Google picture.  A discreet one at that, because where are the tits?

So my friendly technician had to move my arm for this mammogram too.  (Can you see in the above picture how the patient's arm is up on top of the machine?  I can't do that, so the technician had to put my arm up there for me.)  Then she pulled and stretched my boob clear to the other side of the room and smashed it into nothing but dust.  

Shit, it hurt like a Mo Fo!  

I'm not exaggerating.  Really, I've never had a mammogram hurt so much.  I honestly had to concentrate on not passing out from the pain.  I'm sure it was a result of my injury.  Obviously, last time I was there I was all drugged up because I don't even remember the lady who knows so much about me.  

All those drugs must have masked the pain last time.

Fortunately, mammograms don't last very long.  I did some deep breathing to get through the pain.  I transported myself mentally to THAT PLACE in my brain, where I've learned to go when pain is unbearable.  I scolded myself for not realizing a pain pill ahead of time would have been a very good idea.  Fifteen minutes later I was done.
In spite of the pain, I'm certainly glad I had a mammogram.  (Albeit the most painful one I've EVER had!)  If, however, I get a call requiring any follow-up pictures, I will be taking a pain pill before I go in.  

16 Responses to “Those Aren't Pancakes, Those Are My Boobs!”

  1. SSG

    yeouch! I have not had a mammogram but i’ve had ultrasound on my chest a few times, and that hurt enough for me. i know, I am a wuss, but I’ve got these well sore hard lumps in my right chest and underarm, no idea why, but they hurt when pressed. or squeezed. My boyfriend has to put up with me shrikeing now and again… it sucks. but well done on going through with it, like you said, it’s important.

  2. Donna in VA

    Bless your heart!
    I’ve often wondered the same thing; if it’s worse for the itty bitty titties or for the big girls. I’ve had disproportionate DD’s (often called Dolly) since I was 13 and have envied the itty bitties ever since. They can wear the cutest clothes without worrying about “over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder” straps showing, or they can simply go braless. Yeah, we COULD. . . but nothing good would come of it.
    They SAY that it hurts them more (so my sister says cuz she has mosquito bites) pulling and tugging for something to smash, but I don’t know about that. Trying to squish something the size of a child’s head into a pancake doesn’t feel so smokey. I say it’s just plain uncomfortable for everybody concerned. But important; I agree.

  3. Lori

    You have done a great job at telling how it really is getting this important test. Glad you made it through and remember to take a pain pill next time.
    I think you and I could compare stories about how much we don’t remember because of our drug induced state of minds. I was a walking drugged up zombie for two years. Ugh!

  4. EricaB

    I hear they are making mammogram machines that are much nicer and less painful…
    I’ve only had one, however (since I am such a spring chicken), and it hurt like a bitch.

  5. EricaB

    I hear they are making mammogram machines that are much nicer and less painful…
    I’ve only had one, however (since I am such a spring chicken), and it hurt like a bitch.

  6. Linda

    Excellent post! Very important information! Pictures are always good for those who’ve never had the experience yet. Thank you for this very important reminder.

  7. thistle

    I’ve always gotten the impression that it is more painful for the small-breasted also…either that or they’re just a little more histrionic about the girls than those of us who are generously endowed. Have you seen the Man-o-gram cartoon? That’s worth posting…i think it was dedicated to the man who invented this damn machine.

  8. Alan

    Us guys just have to turn our heads (???) and cough! LOL
    No pain involved. And yes…mammograms ARE very important! (I figured you had to have at least ONE guy say that or else we’re all labeled as uncaring bastards…)

  9. Kelly

    Somehow you even made this entertaining! Sorry the boob smashing hurt, but you’re right it’s important!

  10. Kristan

    Hmm, I’ve always liked being an A/B girl myself. And after an informal pancaking of breasts just now, I can say that it doesn’t hurt too bad until you get to the very core of the boob… Side-squishing is worse than just a flat press, though.

  11. jill prettyman

    don’t you just love having your boobs in a vice!, I got mine over with for the year. I hate going to that appointment, mine aren’t very big, and I am always surprised how big they look when they are only 1/4 inches thick!

  12. jill prettyman

    don’t you just love putting your boobs in a vice, mine aren’t very big and I am always so surprised how big they get when they are smashed to a half an inch! I’m glad I have my appointment over with for the year

  13. Christine

    I can’t wait until my time comes. I have no boobs. I’m really interested (or not so interested) to see how they’re going to take my itty bitties and smash them. There’s nothing to smash!
    Glad you got it done, though, this is a great PSA!

  14. Jan

    I, too, have been a DD from a very young age. And yes, all of the girls were jealous and all the boys wanted to feel me up. That, however, I could live with – it was all of those dirty, old men who seemed to think that because I had big tits it was okay for them to grab me that always pissed me off to no end.
    As for the boob squish – the mammogram plates always runneth over when they get hold of me. Like I said on another blog, the last time I just suggested they let me lay on the garage floor and have my husband back the car over each tit a couple of times – it would be quicker, more convenient and the results would be the same.
    They were not amused.

  15. Laura

    Follow-up test is the way to go. Then you get the ultrasound. Hmm, let me see, boob smoosher or cool lubricant spead with a gentle movement by a handheld scanner. How do you say man-made test vs. woman-made test?

  16. mama llama

    Good for you for going and for your italicized plug for mammograms. Very important.
    You, by the way, win the prize for the Catchiest Blog Titles… funny, I almost accidentally wrote “tittles.” Ugh…are there such things as “freudian typos”?
    Be well, 24.


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