First of all, I want to let you know I've got a very touching story for tomorrow's post. Next, I want to warn you, today I'm going to bitch like crazy and then ask for your advice. Sound like fun?
Do you ever feel so bitchy you can't stand yourself?
My surgeon told me if I ever feel like I'm "about to take somebody's head off" because I'm in so much pain, it's definitely time for a pain pill. I've been right there for a few weeks now, but I'm not taking any meds.
I'm really pleasant to be around lately, let me tell ya.
I was at PT five times last week, including on Saturday. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to throw things.
I'm not in control of my emotions when I'm in this much pain.
Really, all my "real life" friends should just stay far, far, away from me until I get my pain level back under control. They've even put me back on a home electrical stim unit to try to help. I want to throw it on the floor and stomp on it. I thought I was done with all the home machines.
The Torturer is trying to strengthen my arm and all the connecting crap. None of the muscles in the upper right quadrant of my body have worked for over two and a half years. They are screaming in protest and it's resulting in intense pain, terrible cramping, and muscle spasms. (In my chest. In my upper back. Along my torso. And, of course, in my arm, neck and shoulder.)
It fucking hurts.
My doctor warned me I would go through this as they try to bring my muscles back to life.
What a fine time for me to decide to forego pain killers.
I haven't taken pain killers daily in months. I am, however, used to taking one at night on my tougher PT days, or when The Torturer introduces new (painful) things to my routine.
The Torturer understands my desire to be drug free and supports it. "You can't take them forever," he says. This, of course, implies what I don't want to accept. It implies I will need them forever; that I will be in pain forever. I'm still stubbornly fighting my own reality and it pisses me off when people try to confront me with the truth.
Sometimes accepting the truth is devastating to a person's spirit.
I like living in denial. It gives me … hope.
On Monday The Torturer and I fought like only we can. It was not a pretty sight. I suppose I'm being a little bit difficult. (Oooh … I can hear him saying, "That's an understatement!") I alternated between tears of defeat, trying to express my intense frustration, and being just plain pissed off at him.
I'd say he was a little frustrated with me. And angry. He was very angry with me. (He's not exactly a piece of cake personality, and of course, I am.)
He feels like I'm fighting him and not cooperating lately. Maybe because I've threatened to quit? Or asked to be reassigned to a different physical therapist? If you ever want to make The Torturer really angry, just say either of those two things and watch him implode.
Or you could say both, on the same day, like I did. Then you can watch him turn shades of purple (!) while he stomps around repeatedly saying things like, "QUIT?! Did you say QUIT?! Fine, go ahead and QUIT! You can just walk around with your arm dangling at your side for the rest of your life."
And, "No, you are absolutely NOT going to a different physical therapist after all the time I've put in getting you this far."
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, so I'm a bitch.
Have we established that?
A few of the other PTs and patients looked on in abject horror as we argued. It's not fun being everyone's entertainment. At one point The Torturer turned to one of his PTs and said through gritted teeth, "I am SO mad at 24 right now." I really think he was considering picking me up and tossing me out the window. I turned to the same PT and countered with, "He is soooooo pissing me off today!" The PT raised her eyebrows and wisely excused herself from our presence.
The Torturer then ordered me back to "my" room where we carried on our arguing in private. (Except for the occasional yelling people heard through the door.)
So, this is what it comes down to. I need help with pain management in order for The Torturer to continue
strengthening my dysfunctional body torturing me. I'd prefer to do it in a drug free manner. I may need to deal with pain for the rest of my life but I don't want to believe that yet.
Hands over ears lalalalalalalalalalala.
It has to be effective pain management. I don't want any bullshit about listening to monks chant for an hour every morning. If I listened to monks chant for an hour every morning I'd turn violent within thirty five minutes.
Monks give me intense headaches.
No offense to all the monks in my reading audience (and/or their monk family members).
Monk music is just not my thing.
The Torturer is suggesting acupuncture for pain relief. (Most likely, it gives him a big thrill to think of someone sticking me with needles.) It isn't the first time acupuncture has been suggested to me since the car accident. I admit, I haven't pursued it as an option because the idea of all those needles scares me a little.
I know, it makes no sense. I've gone through five surgeries and pure hell, but I'm afraid of needles? Also, I'm tired of people poking and prodding and pulling and pushing on me.
What do you think? Have you tried acupuncture? Has someone you know tried it? Do you know of success stories? Or cases where it didn't work? Is this something I should try?