If I Go Missing

Apparently I've become a problem at PT.  Yep, that's me the problem patient.  Some of you might think I've intentionally become a problem with the hope I get kicked out of the place, but I swear it hasn't been intentional.

However, potentially, that's a great strategy.

Honestly, if I go missing anytime soon, look at The Torturer as the prime suspect.  I think the man's had enough of my shit to last him a lifetime.  (Can you imagine anyone ever having enough of me?) 

It all started with my cougar post when I wrote about the patient (Ms. Moaner) who sounds like she's orgasming every time she's touched.  Or maybe it was before that when I first wrote about the patient I dubbed Short Shorts who walks around with her ass cheeks hanging out every day.  Or maybe it was when I wrote about The Torturer's Money Town groupies whom I dubbed The Harem.  

Or maybe it was when ….  

Well, you get the idea.

The Torturer has been having "talks" with me lately.  Like I'm an effing FIVE year old or something!

He tells me he can't have someone writing about his patients because they won't want to come to PT if "some woman" writes about them.  How ridiculous of a concern is that? First of all, I'm not some woman.  I'm a patient too and I'm extremely empathetic towards real people suffering from real pain.

And I don't mean the pain of wanting The Torturer to massage their ass.

Second, I don't tell any of the Money Town sluts I'm writing about them.  What? Does he think I'm stupid?  Would I walk up to one of them and say, "You're the epitome of a bored Money Town ho so I made fun of you on my blog today?!"

That would not be polite and I am always polite.

I don't even take notes while I'm there.  Who needs to?  I mean, I wish I could forget some of the people I've seen there but they are vividly etched in my memory.

Last week I walked into PT one day and a group of therapists and techs were huddled together laughing.  They waved me over the moment they saw me.

"I can't even look over at The Torturer right now," one of them said.

I instantly glanced over at The Torturer.

He was working with Ms. Moaner.  She sounded as if she was approaching orgasm any second now.  The staff was in a fit of giggles waiting for the next moan to escape her.

"She let out two more just a minute ago," one tech said.

(As if it were a fart … she let out two …)

Apparently the staff just loves it if Ms. Moaner and I are there at the same time.  They're waiting to see what I'll do when she moans.  They want me to moan back, but louder.  No one can make eye contact when she's in the building because eye contact would result in everyone bursting into a fit of giggles.

No, when Ms. Moaner is in the building we all look at each other's ears, or just above or below one another's eyes.  Eye contact must be avoided at all costs or laughter will result and possibly never stop.

Now, I suppose I can see The Torturer's point of view a little bit.  He doesn't like his staff huddled in a corner talking to me when they should maybe be *ahem* working.  He certainly would not be happy to see them reading my blog on their iPhones when he's out of the room.  He won't put up with one minute of unprofessionalism in his staff and he might be just slightly inclined to think they are less professional when I'm around.  

And?

They are!  (But shhhhh don't tell him!)  

It's because I've been there for so long and we're like one big happy family now.  They aren't really being unprofessional … I've just become one of them.

Can he expect any less?  I mean, omigod, I've been there for nearly three hellish years now.

Yesterday when I arrived I asked one of the techs where The Torturer was.  He told me he was in a back room with Ms. Moaner.

"He has to put her in a private room now because he knows if he doesn't we'll all start laughing," the tech said.

Then he went on and added, "Yeah, I just had to go back and ask him a question and she let out another one while I was standing right there."

The sad thing is I think Ms. Moaner is quite enamored with The Torturer.  She's the typical Money Town woman.  She's been nipped and tucked and drives up to PT in her Porsche.  She flirts openly with The Torturer and talks about him nonstop when he's out of the room.  Her suggestive moaning is probably her attempt to attract him.  

It's the new Money Town Mating Call.  Just watch, by next year at this time, all the Money Town women will be walking around moaning orgasmically in public.

©  Twenty Four At Heart

78 Responses to “If I Go Missing”

  1. Helena

    As far as I’m concerned you are providing a very valueable service to the rest of the world – entertainment!
    And you always care about peoples privacy. If I ever visited Money Town I couldn’t pick out Miss Moaner or Short Shorts if I tried.
    Don’t worry about The Torturer. He’ll never have enough of you! 🙂

  2. Helena

    As far as I’m concerned you are providing a very valueable service to the rest of the world – entertainment!
    And you always care about peoples privacy. If I ever visited Money Town I couldn’t pick out Miss Moaner or Short Shorts if I tried.
    Don’t worry about The Torturer. He’ll never have enough of you! 🙂

  3. Helena

    As far as I’m concerned you are providing a very valueable service to the rest of the world – entertainment!
    And you always care about peoples privacy. If I ever visited Money Town I couldn’t pick out Miss Moaner or Short Shorts if I tried.
    Don’t worry about The Torturer. He’ll never have enough of you! 🙂

  4. Yvette (Lo's Mom)

    “That would not be polite, and I am always polite.” Hee Hee.
    So am I, but people still think I’m a bitch.

  5. Yvette (Lo's Mom)

    “That would not be polite, and I am always polite.” Hee Hee.
    So am I, but people still think I’m a bitch.

  6. Yvette (Lo's Mom)

    “That would not be polite, and I am always polite.” Hee Hee.
    So am I, but people still think I’m a bitch.

  7. Yvette (Lo's Mom)

    “That would not be polite, and I am always polite.” Hee Hee.
    So am I, but people still think I’m a bitch.

  8. Yvette (Lo's Mom)

    “That would not be polite, and I am always polite.” Hee Hee.
    So am I, but people still think I’m a bitch.

  9. Yvette (Lo's Mom)

    “That would not be polite, and I am always polite.” Hee Hee.
    So am I, but people still think I’m a bitch.

  10. Alan

    Ya know…some bugs emit certain smells and some animals turn different colors to attract their mates. I think Ms Moaner is just doing what we all do to attract herself a mate!
    I know her moaning would definitely get MY attention! It certainly has the Torturers attention!

  11. Alan

    Ya know…some bugs emit certain smells and some animals turn different colors to attract their mates. I think Ms Moaner is just doing what we all do to attract herself a mate!
    I know her moaning would definitely get MY attention! It certainly has the Torturers attention!

  12. Alan

    Ya know…some bugs emit certain smells and some animals turn different colors to attract their mates. I think Ms Moaner is just doing what we all do to attract herself a mate!
    I know her moaning would definitely get MY attention! It certainly has the Torturers attention!

  13. Peggy

    Don’t you DARE go missing. If you do, the Torturer will not be my prime suspect. I would go straight for the trunk Ms Moaner’s porsche!

  14. Peggy

    Don’t you DARE go missing. If you do, the Torturer will not be my prime suspect. I would go straight for the trunk Ms Moaner’s porsche!

  15. Peggy

    Don’t you DARE go missing. If you do, the Torturer will not be my prime suspect. I would go straight for the trunk Ms Moaner’s porsche!

  16. Annette

    “Just watch, by next year at this time, all the Money Town women will be walking around moaning orgasmically in public.”
    …and we heard it here first!

  17. Annette

    “Just watch, by next year at this time, all the Money Town women will be walking around moaning orgasmically in public.”
    …and we heard it here first!

  18. Annette

    “Just watch, by next year at this time, all the Money Town women will be walking around moaning orgasmically in public.”
    …and we heard it here first!

  19. Jan

    Okay, so when I come to visit when Jolly has her baby this fall, can I like go to PT with you? It would be like going to the African Savannah after reading a year’s worth of National Geographics.
    I’ll bring a tranquilizer gun if you want!

  20. Jan

    Okay, so when I come to visit when Jolly has her baby this fall, can I like go to PT with you? It would be like going to the African Savannah after reading a year’s worth of National Geographics.
    I’ll bring a tranquilizer gun if you want!

  21. Jan

    Okay, so when I come to visit when Jolly has her baby this fall, can I like go to PT with you? It would be like going to the African Savannah after reading a year’s worth of National Geographics.
    I’ll bring a tranquilizer gun if you want!

  22. Lo

    money town mating call!!!!!!! woot!!!!!!! hilarious. good god girl you crack me up. can’t WAIT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON. no i’m not a stalker. and i promise i won’t moan when i sip my cocktail. i’m a lady like that and all. (dude. i just said moan and cock in the same sentence. hehehehehehe.)

  23. Lo

    money town mating call!!!!!!! woot!!!!!!! hilarious. good god girl you crack me up. can’t WAIT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON. no i’m not a stalker. and i promise i won’t moan when i sip my cocktail. i’m a lady like that and all. (dude. i just said moan and cock in the same sentence. hehehehehehe.)

  24. Lo

    money town mating call!!!!!!! woot!!!!!!! hilarious. good god girl you crack me up. can’t WAIT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON. no i’m not a stalker. and i promise i won’t moan when i sip my cocktail. i’m a lady like that and all. (dude. i just said moan and cock in the same sentence. hehehehehehe.)

  25. Kelly

    hahahahaha OMG you make me laugh! There were so many classic 24 lines in this post I don’t know where to start.
    SHE LET OUT TWO MORE …
    OMG tears, tears, tears. Laughing so hard I can’t stop!

  26. Kelly

    hahahahaha OMG you make me laugh! There were so many classic 24 lines in this post I don’t know where to start.
    SHE LET OUT TWO MORE …
    OMG tears, tears, tears. Laughing so hard I can’t stop!

  27. Kelly

    hahahahaha OMG you make me laugh! There were so many classic 24 lines in this post I don’t know where to start.
    SHE LET OUT TWO MORE …
    OMG tears, tears, tears. Laughing so hard I can’t stop!

  28. Deb

    Oh how I would love to live inside your brain for a day. The thoughts that go on while you’re observing the people around you are f*ckin hilarious. If The Torturer kicks you out I bet a lot of other PT places would take you in a heartbeat. The comic relief of having you around has got to be priceless.

  29. Deb

    Oh how I would love to live inside your brain for a day. The thoughts that go on while you’re observing the people around you are f*ckin hilarious. If The Torturer kicks you out I bet a lot of other PT places would take you in a heartbeat. The comic relief of having you around has got to be priceless.

  30. Deb

    Oh how I would love to live inside your brain for a day. The thoughts that go on while you’re observing the people around you are f*ckin hilarious. If The Torturer kicks you out I bet a lot of other PT places would take you in a heartbeat. The comic relief of having you around has got to be priceless.

  31. Mike

    I’m moving to Money Town. I’ll apply for a job with The Torturer while I’m at it.

  32. Mike

    I’m moving to Money Town. I’ll apply for a job with The Torturer while I’m at it.

  33. Mike

    I’m moving to Money Town. I’ll apply for a job with The Torturer while I’m at it.

  34. EricaB/CrazyMomma

    I have a few of those moaners in my massage office. Since I first started in school they make my incredibly uncomfortable…
    I LOVE a good massage but I don’t need to moan about it.

  35. EricaB/CrazyMomma

    I have a few of those moaners in my massage office. Since I first started in school they make my incredibly uncomfortable…
    I LOVE a good massage but I don’t need to moan about it.

  36. EricaB/CrazyMomma

    I have a few of those moaners in my massage office. Since I first started in school they make my incredibly uncomfortable…
    I LOVE a good massage but I don’t need to moan about it.

  37. Kristan

    I can understand The Torturer’s concerns, but Ms. Moaner doesn’t sound like the type who would quit just because she got called out, even if she did know.

  38. Kristan

    I can understand The Torturer’s concerns, but Ms. Moaner doesn’t sound like the type who would quit just because she got called out, even if she did know.

  39. Kristan

    I can understand The Torturer’s concerns, but Ms. Moaner doesn’t sound like the type who would quit just because she got called out, even if she did know.

  40. Fragrant Liar

    Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh . . . sorry, I didn’t mean to moan out loud.
    So I take it you are not going to be told what to do with your own blog??? I think it’s only fitting that you, as the Torturee, have the opportunity to torture him the Torturer right back. Like, maybe you should start moaning when he works on you instead of giving him shit. Just start out slow and easy and then get faster and louder and see how he likes it. That’s my prescription for you anyway.

  41. Fragrant Liar

    Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh . . . sorry, I didn’t mean to moan out loud.
    So I take it you are not going to be told what to do with your own blog??? I think it’s only fitting that you, as the Torturee, have the opportunity to torture him the Torturer right back. Like, maybe you should start moaning when he works on you instead of giving him shit. Just start out slow and easy and then get faster and louder and see how he likes it. That’s my prescription for you anyway.

  42. Fragrant Liar

    Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh . . . sorry, I didn’t mean to moan out loud.
    So I take it you are not going to be told what to do with your own blog??? I think it’s only fitting that you, as the Torturee, have the opportunity to torture him the Torturer right back. Like, maybe you should start moaning when he works on you instead of giving him shit. Just start out slow and easy and then get faster and louder and see how he likes it. That’s my prescription for you anyway.

  43. Stepping Thru

    My PT was a woman and there certainly weren’t any men in there moaning. This is just too funny! I really think you should moan back and see what she does. Keep up the good work. We have your back and will know just where to look if you disappear.

  44. Stepping Thru

    My PT was a woman and there certainly weren’t any men in there moaning. This is just too funny! I really think you should moan back and see what she does. Keep up the good work. We have your back and will know just where to look if you disappear.

  45. Stepping Thru

    My PT was a woman and there certainly weren’t any men in there moaning. This is just too funny! I really think you should moan back and see what she does. Keep up the good work. We have your back and will know just where to look if you disappear.

  46. Duchess

    The Torturer is right: you are a Very Bad Girl! You definitely need a talking to. Or a spanking.

  47. Duchess

    The Torturer is right: you are a Very Bad Girl! You definitely need a talking to. Or a spanking.

  48. Duchess

    The Torturer is right: you are a Very Bad Girl! You definitely need a talking to. Or a spanking.

  49. Kate

    You are sooooo funny. Honest to god you kill me with the things you come up with.
    She let out two more ….
    OMG!!

  50. Kate

    You are sooooo funny. Honest to god you kill me with the things you come up with.
    She let out two more ….
    OMG!!

  51. Kate

    You are sooooo funny. Honest to god you kill me with the things you come up with.
    She let out two more ….
    OMG!!

  52. Midlife Mama

    The pathetic thing, is she probably doesn’t even realize how ridiculous she’s being and and that everyone is on to her! I get so embarrassed for people when they act like that. Sheesh. But I’m glad in a way because it’s freakin’ hilarious to read about it on your blog!! 🙂

  53. Midlife Mama

    The pathetic thing, is she probably doesn’t even realize how ridiculous she’s being and and that everyone is on to her! I get so embarrassed for people when they act like that. Sheesh. But I’m glad in a way because it’s freakin’ hilarious to read about it on your blog!! 🙂

  54. Midlife Mama

    The pathetic thing, is she probably doesn’t even realize how ridiculous she’s being and and that everyone is on to her! I get so embarrassed for people when they act like that. Sheesh. But I’m glad in a way because it’s freakin’ hilarious to read about it on your blog!! 🙂

  55. shaunna

    oh me oh my… you’re going to get dooced from pt sessions?
    (as i’m sure you know dooce is the wildly poopular – and lucrative – blogger who was fired from her job a few years ago because of her blog entries. you can read all about it in her archives http://www.dooce.com)
    she’s almost as funny as you.

  56. shaunna

    oh me oh my… you’re going to get dooced from pt sessions?
    (as i’m sure you know dooce is the wildly poopular – and lucrative – blogger who was fired from her job a few years ago because of her blog entries. you can read all about it in her archives http://www.dooce.com)
    she’s almost as funny as you.

  57. shaunna

    oh me oh my… you’re going to get dooced from pt sessions?
    (as i’m sure you know dooce is the wildly poopular – and lucrative – blogger who was fired from her job a few years ago because of her blog entries. you can read all about it in her archives http://www.dooce.com)
    she’s almost as funny as you.

  58. emmysuh

    Heeheee. I love this story. Poor Torturer, all of you ganging up and laughing at him. But this situation is too funny to be ignored!!
    You’re quite the REAL LIFE celebrity!!

  59. emmysuh

    Heeheee. I love this story. Poor Torturer, all of you ganging up and laughing at him. But this situation is too funny to be ignored!!
    You’re quite the REAL LIFE celebrity!!

  60. emmysuh

    Heeheee. I love this story. Poor Torturer, all of you ganging up and laughing at him. But this situation is too funny to be ignored!!
    You’re quite the REAL LIFE celebrity!!

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