At this point in my life I should have my PhD in Overcoming Obstacles. I've not had an easy life, but then not many people do. When life gets tough, I write. I write, and I write, and then I write some more. I always have. It makes me feel better. It allows me to think things through and digest whatever I need to deal with.
Lucky you, you get to read my drivel.
I received some bad news this week. I'm still trying to process it. I'm trying to digest it without regurgitating it. I'm trying to come to terms with it without falling into the never, never, land of tears and frustration which all too frequently accompany bad news. In fact, I've been quiet.
Very, very, quiet.
If you know me at all, you know when I'm quiet, it means something is very wrong. It's so much more normal for me to throw caution to the wind and let my emotions hang out sloppily all over the place. That is who I am. I'm the person who lets all my emotions pour out all over you, the floor, and anything in my path.
I'm not … quiet.
I don't want to be redundant, but I have a few new readers so I'm going to give a very quick, short recap for their benefit. I was in a debilitating car accident about 32 months ago. I lost the use of my right (dominant) arm as a result. I went through 5 surgeries in a two year span. The last few years of my life pretty much define the word HELL. I set a personal goal to have the use of my arm back, and to be done with physical therapy, by the beginning of this summer (my 3 year anniversary of the car accident).
For those of you who have been reading throughout this last year of my journey, you know it's been a difficult, frustrating, and excruciatingly painful path.
I've been quite motivated to accomplish my goal.
The Torturer has even complimented me on how hard I've been working. He said he's proud of me for pushing myself through the pain. He never says things like that to me.
Maybe because I'm usually sobbing on his shirt?
Of course, I've known for quite awhile I'll never have full use of my arm back. My hopes of a professional tennis career are over. Oops, I never had hopes for a professional tennis career. Wouldn't it be dramatic if I did? I did like playing tennis though and I've known for quite some time I won't be playing ever again. Golf is out too. I suck at golf so I find it easy to live with that one. Let's face it, a lot of things are out.
I've learned to live with that knowledge.
It isn't as easy to live with the words spoken by my surgeon this week. No, his words swirled around me and left me dizzy as I tried to comprehend every ounce of meaning behind them. Words about scheduling another MRI, words about irrevocable nerve damage, words about my inability to regain function in my arm, and most devastating of all …
Ahhh … can I even bear to put it into writing? His pronouncement that I have "at least another year and a half" of extensive physical therapy ahead of me.
At least one and a half more years.
<Quiet, Quiet, Quiet>
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