I always write my posts from the same worn chair. It has an armrest that supports my bum arm just perfectly. While I write I have a pretty view of the mountains behind my house. I even get frequent glimpses of a beautiful red tail hawk who likes to perch in one of our trees. Can I call a hawk a who? Probably not. I think of him as a who.
Grammar police, can you help me out?
Right now, I'm typing standing up naked. It's quite a feat and I really think I should be admired for the talent I'm showing. (For typing while standing up, the naked part doesn't really affect my typing.) My ass is so sunburnt, sitting down seems like an impossibility. Yes, I said my ass is sunburnt. And not just a little sunburnt. Hell, no!
My ass is fried a bright cherry red.
Go ahead and laugh. I don't mind. I just want you to know I will laugh right back atcha when you fry your ass bright red. And don't think you won't someday …
My ass is smarting so much, it doesn't even faze me to walk around naked for hours on end.
I don't seem to have much luck with fake tanning adventures. Last June I tried a spray-on tan. I did this
, which resulted in this
. I know what you're thinking. I live in California, why in the world would I consider a spray-on tan? Well, I'm also someone who has been treated for skin cancer. I enjoy the beach frequently, but I do so in a manner which protects my skin
I'm very, very fair. I've got blonde hair, blonde eyelashes, and milky white breasts and an ass to match. (Well, my ass did match a day ago.) I can tan a little bit, but it takes forever. Once in a great while, if I need a little color for a big event, I'll use spray-on tanning. It doesn't damage my skin in the least and it's a quick fix even if it doesn't last long. A spray-on tan basically just paints your skin. It doesn't actually tan your skin and if you go out in the sun you'll burn just as badly as if you were casper white all over.
Do you see where this is going? I'm going to be down by the equator living in my bathing suit in the not to distant future. I need a base tan. If I don't have one, I'll burn to a crisp on my first day there. I'm a slow tanner. I don't have the time to lay out in a bathing suit by our pool every day right now.
I decided to visit a tanning booth. I don't believe in them, but I decided to compromise my principles. I thought it would be safer for my skin to slowly get a base tan before I depart for St. Lucia than to go there and get fried.
Things didn't quite work out the way I planned.
Tan Barbie greeted me and eagerly sold me a package of 14 tanning sessions. Fourteen because I'm a
sucker idiot slow tanner. She also gave me a bottle of "deep tanning lotion" to apply before using the tanning bed. Tan Barbie showed me how the tanning bed works, how to turn on the music to my liking, and most importantly how not to die in the coffin like structure. (It has fans inside – how cool is that?!)
Tan Barbie explained to me a normal session is 15 minutes long, but she programmed the tanning bed for 10. I protested. I wanted my full 15 minutes if I was spending the money. Tan Barbie informed me 10 minutes would be "plenty" for my first visit and that I might want to even consider 10 minutes for my second visit too.
I was pissed at Tan Barbie.
I stripped off my clothes, applied some of the lotion she gave me (to the places I could reach) and hopped in the
coffin tanning bed. I forgot about my ass. Not that I think it would have made any difference anyway.
I figure my ass probably was sunburnt after only 30 seconds in the tanning bed. I won't even tell you about my hoo haa. (Your welcome!)
I stayed in for my full 10 minutes. I enjoyed the rockin' tunes and the warmth on my body. I'm easy that way. At the end of my ten minutes, I jumped up, toweled off and looked at my naked body in the mirror.
I silently cussed out Tan Barbie and vowed to come back in a day or two for my second session. I had every intention of using my full 15 minutes next time.
I'm writing this a few hours lately. I'm lobster red. My belly, my breasts, my nether parts, and my glowing red ass all hurt like hell. My ass is the worst of all. I've been searching the cupbards for solarcaine, aloe vera lotion … anything at all. Of course I have none of those items because I don't normally expose my ass to the sun.
Most of all, I'm wondering how many days will I have to spend standing and naked?
© Twenty Four At Heart