I was a few months into stumbling my way around the blogosphere when a name kept popping up everywhere I went. Some guy named Neil was apparently really famous and everyone who was anyone knew who he was. Except, of course, I was no one and I had no idea who he was. I went in search of his website and found … a man writing about his talking penis. His penis was telling him to do one thing, but he was arguing with it.
What the hell?
This was the famous Neil?
More out of curiosity than anything, I stopped by Neil's site, Citizen of the Month, again. And then again. And then again and again. I'm hooked. Neil is one of the few writers who can leave me reflecting deeply, make me laugh out loud, and at times make me feel angry or sad … sometimes all from reading the same post. I never know what to expect when I visit Neil, but I do know I've never been disappointed. I am greatly honored and thrilled he agreed to write a guest post for Twenty Four At Heart. (Except, I think now I OWE him …!)
Suzanne and I immediately clicked as bloggers because we
both have an affinity for writing… uh, posts about sex. Hey, why not?! Two weeks ago, she asked me to
write my first guest post on this blog. I was excited by the opportunity, but I procrastinated
until the last day, and I know why.
By asking me to be a guest poster while she is on vacation, Suzanne was
hoping that I would titillate her readers with an interesting tale of male
sexuality gone bad and…
…uh, maybe now is a good time to discuss another side of
male sexuality — performance anxiety! You see, men can walk around all day with a
hard-on the size of the Chrysler Building, but when they finally get into bed,
and their woman rolls on top of them and whispers into their ear, "F**k
me, honey. F**k me like I've never
been f**ked before,“ anxiety can set in, and the brain can pressurize into
overload, which can have a negative effect on all muscles of the body,
including the most important one of all.
I am not talking about the heart. I am talking about the penis. Most men assume that after the
heart fails, and the soul leaves the body and goes up to heaven, the soul of
his penis accompanies him, because, after all, it is called Heaven for a
reason, which means he will be using his dick… a lot… hopefully, with the
hottest babes from all human history — like Cleopatra and Lady Godiva.
Hey, you wanted to know how men think about their sexuality,
Suzanne. This is it!
I should also be honest about my blogging persona. I might write about sex a lot,
that doesn't mean I am getting any of it in real life! I have a theory that those bloggers who
write the most about the sex are usually the ones getting THE LEAST. After all, when someone has been
doing the nasty on the living room carpet all night, the last thing this person
wants to blog about in the morning is doing the nasty on the living room carpet
all night. What fun is that? The one who is writing about doing the
nasty on the living room carpet all night is usually the person who is sitting
on the living room chair watching American Idol and eating a burger from
McDonald's, and saying to himself, "What the hell am I doing with my
life! I should be doing the nasty
on the living room carpet with some beautiful woman. Damn it. And if
that isn't going to happen tonight in reality, I might as well BLOG about it
like it DID HAPPEN!"
So, don't get the wrong impression about me. I think about tits and ass all
the time FOR A REASON –frustration.
I don't want to spend all my time thinking about tits and ass. It is the result of me being separated
from my wife. I would MUCH rather
be using my mind reading great literature, if only the very mention of Jane
Austen didn't make me think about going down on her in the bedroom of her
English countryside estate.
I write about sex less to titillate, than to explore my own masculine
mind. I hope that my female readers will get some insights into how
men think, and why God deserves some of the blame for turning us into such
assholes. Are we really created in HIS image? Do you think any man really wants to get an erection in the
middle of a crowded Burger King because the two burgers he ordered reminds him
of an ex-girlfriend's ass and the way they felt in his hands? It is torture!
I used to think it was wrong that Orthodox Jews separated
the sexes during religious services.
Now I can understand the reasoning. If you are truly trying to pray, having a sexy woman next to
you is too much of a distraction.
Sexy woman always trumps God.
One of the things I like about blogging is that it gives me
a better understanding of the opposite sex. Suzanne is a perfect example of a blogger who is brave
enough to write about her sexual mind.
I don’t find it salacious. It
gives me insights into women. I
hope she is learning something from me.
One thing I hope women can learn from male bloggers is that
we are more complex than you imagine. We don’t think with our penis all the time. Male sexuality is complicated. Men get confused because we get
conflicting messages from our culture and from women themselves. Images of sexuality distort
our minds, especially pornography, as I once wrote about in this post.
Recently, I tried a writing experiment. I wrote my blog post as a woman, a
senior citizen, and imagined what she would think about when she saw a younger
man masturbating in a shower stall.
I asked my readers if the piece sounded like it was written
by a woman, because I spent a good amount of time trying to capture the
"voice" of a woman.
After I published it, every single woman told me that it was CLEARLY
written by a man — for one simple reason. There was too much attention given to the man's penis!
"Women do not obsess over a man's cock like that. That is what men do!" wrote a
I still have a lot to learn about women.