The strangest sequence of events occurred yesterday. I have to wonder if things like this happen to other people too, or am I just a magnet for weird stuff?
Misadventures … I seem to have a lot of misadventures.
I went to a new salon for a bikini wax. This particular salon only does waxing. They wax every body part imaginable and widely advertise they are specialists.
The aestetician was very nice and instantly put me at ease. Putting clients at ease is key when you are about to pour hot wax on a woman's muff. She asked me exactly what I wanted because there's a wide variety of designs you can now make with your pubic hair. Who knew?
It's charming, really.
I debated having Rodrigo Santoro etched between my legs, but I thought it might offend Briefcase.
(Thank you Google Images! Thank you very much!)
So there I was in a darkened room, stark naked from the waist down chatting with the waxing technician about pubic hair designs. She asked me to please assume the "frog position." I pretended I do The Naked Frog for women I've never met before every day.
Men? Really, you have no idea what we go through.
And then … aack, I nearly screamed! I've had many bikini waxes in my life, but I've never had anyone use wax so damn hot. I mean, are you supposed to blister from the burn? OK, so maybe it wasn't quite that hot, but damn – it was hot!
Of course, the burn from the melted wax is only the beginning of the fun with a bikini wax. Next, you get to have hairs ripped right out of your twat. Good times! When she was done, the enthusiastic and smiling aestetician asked me, "Do you have any butt hair? I do butt hair too!"
I disappointed her with my lack of butt hair.
Women have butt hair?
There are hairy butted women? Women get their butts waxed? Sometimes I'm so naive.
That was only the beginning of my adventure though.
I got dressed and paid an exorbinant amount of money for my pain.
I got in my car. I realized then I was sort of *ahem* sticking to my pants and not in a good way. Apparently, the technician had not removed quite all of the wax.
"Hmmm," I thought, "I wonder if I'll be able to remove my pants later?"
Next, I drove to the tanning salon. (I'm getting ready for vacation, remember?)
I checked in and was assigned a room. As I was grabbing hand towels to take in with me I heard a male/female couple inquiring as to whether or not they could tan together in one tanning bed simultaneously. Yeah, right! Like tanning would be going on? Why not just ask, "May we have sex in a tanning bed because we've always wanted to?"
Sex in tanning beds may very well be an Orange County phenomenon. I guess it makes for hot sex.
I went into one of the tanning rooms and undressed. My very cute, sexy, thong and pants came off despite the sticky wax remnants. I noticed, however, my panties had wax on them. I scrunched them up and stuck them in my purse. I turned on the tanning bed and hopped in.
I'm not stupid. (Really!!)
I had grabbed extra hand towels to cover my newly waxed delicates so I wouldn't burn. What I didn't count on, though, were the wax remnants on my skin heating up to searing temperatures. I was fine for the first five minutes or so. At about six minutes I started squirming. By minute ten I was bouncing all over the tanning bed while swatting at my twat.
It was not a good day for my lady parts.
After fifteen minutes, the tanning bed shut off and I got dressed (minus my sticky panties) and left.
I decided to run through the grocery store on my way home.
I was lucky, I only needed a few things. I was able to use the express lane for check out. There was a man (Man #1) in front of me buying beer and a few other things. There was another gentleman (Man #2) behind me with way more than his fifteen allotted items.
In an attempt to be expedient, I pulled my wallet out of my purse as I waited in line behind Man #1. I was glancing around the store looking for friends. Money Town is a relatively small community and it's rare to go to the grocery store and not see at least one friend or acquaintance.
The man behind me cleared his throat. Then he cleared it again. He was starting to irritate me with all his ahem-ing and ahaw-ing behind me. I glanced back at him.
"I believe you dropped something," he said.
I glanced down.
My thong looked quite delicate and sexy on the floor at my feet.
I had completely forgotten I had tossed it into my purse. When I reached in my purse and pulled out my wallet, I obviously had pulled it out too.
I blushed. I stammered.
I finally managed to say, "I, um, really, um, don't think that belongs to me."
Man #1 had now turned to watch the scene unfolding behind him in line. He glanced at the floor, gave me the male Once Over and then stared at my crotch for a totally inappropriate moment.
Man #2 said, "I saw them fall out of your purse, I believe they are yours."
I had choices before me, didn't I? I could put my groceries down and run out of the store. I could argue with Man #2 that the panties he saw fall out of my purse did not belong to me. I could stammer some more while fifty bazillion people looked on.
Instead I stood there in total embarrassment, too paralyzed to do anything.
"They're very … nice," said Man #2. "You don't want to leave them."
Could I die on the spot, pleeeeeeeeeeeease???
A total stranger was staring at my thong on the grocery store floor and he liked it!
(I should add here, it was a very sexy red thong with really nice lace!)
And then … omigod, I'm still blushing, he bent over and picked up my sticky panties.
He held them up in front of me.
My thong was dangling in the air right in front of my face!
I think the fifty bazillion people in the store were all staring at me, but I can't be positive.
Man #1 snickered.
I reached out, snatched the thong out of Man #2's hand and shoved it back in my purse.
I wanted to … die!
Man #1 was finishing up with his purchase and I promptly faced forward, moved ahead in line and pretended Man #2 didn't exist right behind me. I looked really hard at each grocery item as it was scanned and I did my best to avoid eye contact with anyone.
After I paid, the cashier handed me my receipt, met my eyes with hers and said, "I hope you found everything you needed today."
Damn if she wasn't grinning ear to ear when she said it!
© Twenty Four At Heart