If you follow me on Twitter, you already know part of this story. I was screaming on Twitter the other day. And oh yes, it's entirely possible to scream on Twitter.
By the way, did you know I lost ten Twitter followers the day I tweeted my clitoris? They were all Marketing People. But, never mind because that's an entirely separate discussion.
People are so uptight sometimes. Especially, apparently, Marketing People. Really, what's a clitoris? A body part that half the population of the world has. Get over it marketers … I tweeted my clitoris, and no one died!
Clitoris! Vagina! Penis!
Oh, right … I said never mind.
My kids have been on spring break this week. We didn't have any big plans so we've been mainly hanging out with friends at the beach or by our pool.
I guess we didn't have enough shit going on.
The other day PR called me and informed me he was ready to come home from a friend's house to enjoy some pool time. I left for 15 minutes to go pick him up and when I came home I immediately noticed water (*ahem*) pouring down our driveway.
I parked my car in the garage and saw half of our 3 car garage was flooded and not with water. Of course it was the half of the garage we use for storage. When I opened the car door my nostrils were violently assaulted by the overwhelming stench of sewage.
Next, I ran into the house and slammed the door closed really hard so the odor wouldn't follow me into the house.
Terrible odors can do that if you don't slam the door hard enough.
I swore loudly and repeatedly at Briefcase who OF COURSE was out of state as he always is when Home Disaster strikes. (And oh yes, this was the very same day we had a 4.6 earthquake jolt us just a few hours earlier.)
Why did I marry a man who is always away for fun times?
Or for that matter, always away?
He tricked me, that's why. (Someday I'll tell you how!)
And yes, it's perfectly reasonable to assume we had an earthquake and sewage leak because Briefcase was out of town.
I'm nothing, if not reasonable ….
It was then I realized our latest Pool Boy was in our backyard cleaning leaves from our pool. Somehow, instantly, I knew he was responsible. I don't know how I knew, but I did.
I don't even know Pool Boy's name. I know Pool Boy's bosses name, but The Boss sends out different workers every few weeks. This Pool Boy was new and unlike my favorite Pool Boy he was decidedly lacking in the HOT department. (Being hot should be a prerequisite for all Pool Boys!)
I walked in the backyard and without even a hello I asked, "What are you doing?"
He looked at me with the pool net in his hand as if to say, "Isn't it obvious I'm pulling leaves out of your pool?"
Before he could actually say anything, I made my question clearer by asking, "What did you do right before I got here?"
Pool Boy told me he had "back filled" the pipes to the pool filter.
I told him the garage was filling with sewage as a result.
He kept sweeping the pool with the pool net and gave me a little half-witted smile.
Inside, he must have been wondering, "What the fuck did I do wrong and what do I do about it?" Outwardly, however, he was calm and did nothing but give me his stupid half- witted smile.
I went back in the house and called The Boss. His reaction was, "Oh SHIT you're kidding me?!"
My answer was, "Lots of shit, and no I'm not kidding in the least."
He instantly knew what was wrong and told me he'd call Pool Boy immediately.
Turns out Pool Boy had hooked up his "back-filling" equipment to the sewage line by mistake. Instead of cleaning our pool filter, he had forced a break in a sewage line … right into our garage.
I thought we had a lot of shit in our garage before this happened.
The Boss promised to come out the next day to make all necessary pipe repairs. Pool Boy spent the next several hours removing every single thing from our garage. We were in need of a garage reorganization, so congratulations to him on getting the job done.
He was up to his half-witted smile in shit for hours.
Unfortunately, we had to throw away a lot of things we had in storage. The biggest loss, as far as I'm concerned, were two large cardboard boxes of my favorite cookbooks. I'd moved them into the garage temporarily because I've been reorganizing some things in the house. And yes, I'm weeping over my loss because several of them are no longer in print.
Cardboard really absorbs shit. Who knew? Books stored inside cardboard boxes also absorb shit. It was not a pleasant sight, at all.
In the end, we had to throw away a lot of stuff because once something has sat in shit, it's not really welcome in my home anymore. (The only exception being babies because they're so easy to clean up and just adorable in general.)
Disclaimer: There were no actual babies stored in my garage!
© Twenty Four At Heart