Before I get started on today's post, can I just say you always amaze me? The responses I got on yesterday's post were not at all what I expected to get. There's a crisis of missing clitori (plural?) among women and I wasn't even aware of it until I read your comments. Honestly, I think it's a worldwide crisis in need of immediate attention.
Obviously, it's a subject I'll have to come back to sometime soon.
In the meantime, if I ever lose my clitoris again I wouldn't mind having Brody Jenner help me find it. I found this picture of him on line via People Magazine.
Don't you just love a man with a big bird?
** Drool **
I continue to work on my pre-vacation tan. The purpose of my pre-vacation tan is not for vanity's sake. I'm not subjecting myself to certain death (by tanning booth UV rays) for the sake of beauty. I'm just trying to get a base tan because I'm so fair I don't want to be crispy fried in my first thirty seconds by the equator.
My regular readers know my first encounter with the tanning booth resulted in me burning the hell out of my ass.
Since then, things have gone much smoother at the tanning booth.
(That is, after my butt was done peeling. And my nipples too, for that matter.)
On recent visits, I've stayed in the booth for less time, and I've added minutes gradually. I bring spray-on sunscreen with me and make sure my very fair skin has been sprayed prior to tanning. I ask for towels and I use them to cover my privates, my nipples and my face while I'm there. (Because really, who needs wrinkles on any of those places?)
Sounds perfect, doesn't it?
And yet, this is me we're talking about.
Yesterday I was all set to hop in the coffin-like tanning bed. I was stark naked, wet and slippery with sunscreen, and ready to tan. That's when I noticed the error light flashing on the tanning bed.
I hesitated. I pushed the "on" button. Nothing happened. I pushed it again just in case. Nothing. The error light continued to flash.
I paused. I contemplated my nakedness in the mirror. Certainly not great nakedness, but it could be worse. (Maybe?) I glanced at the pile of my clothes. I could put them on, walk out to the reception area and tell Tan Barbie the bed was not working. If I did that, my clothes would instantly be coated with the sunscreen I had just applied.
I looked at the three little hand towels I'd been given. I remembered when I entered the building a moment before no one, and I mean no one, was in the building except for Tan Barbie and I.
It crossed my mind I could cover myself with the three hand towels, stick my head out the door and yell to Tan Barbie in the reception area. Surely she'd hear me and flip a switch or something to make the tanning bed work.
Wouldn't you think?
If she told me she needed to actually come into the room, I'd ask her to hand me a bigger towel before letting her in. It seemed full proof.
Did I mention this is me we're talking about?
I grabbed one of the towels and realized how very tiny it was. It was only slightly bigger than a washcloth. I held it up to my breasts. I have big boobs and one of those tiny towels would not do the trick. I grabbed a second one and tried to use my one good arm to pin the two towels over the my two tits.
I was left bottomless.
I put down the two towels and grabbed the third. I realized there was no way I could hold two towels over my boobs, and one over my hoo haa and still have a free hand available to open the door. I needed to improvise.
I'm kind of blushing now, just thinking about what I did.
** Ahem **
At the time it seemed to make perfect sense.
I took one towel and sort of made it into a cooter cover and I gripped it with my thighs to keep it in place. Think diaper-ish … sort of. Then with my left hand I tried to hold the two other towels up over my breasts while I opened the door with my right hand.
I kept my body behind the door, but I stuck my head out and glanced down the deserted hallway.
I was surprised to realize there was fairly loud music in the hallway. I yelled down the hall towards the reception area for Tan Barbie. The reception area was not in my field of vision, but around the corner at the end of the hall. Tan Barbie did not hear me. I tried again, but louder.
I glanced up and down the hallway. There was no one there.
I swear it.
I thought if I just took one or two steps down the hall surely Tan Barbie would hear me calling out.
One step. Then two. And then one more for good measure.
I called out again.
I had just taken another step forward when I heard a male voice behind me say, "Can I help you?"
I whirled around and found myself face to face with a blonde man in his early twenties. He had perfectly styled hair, startling blue eyes, and he was very, very tan.
I yelped in surprise.
His eyes made a quick sweep of me from head to toe and then a huge smirk appeared on his face.
"Do you need help?" he asked.
Is it possible for a person's entire body to blush? Because I'm quite sure every single bit of mine had turned bright red as I tried to cower behind my three, teeny, tiny, towels.
"Do you work here?" I stammered.
"I do," he said and I could tell he was using every ounce of willpower not to burst out laughing.
"My tanning bed won't start and there's an error message on the controls," I rushed to explain.
He turned and walked into the room I'd just come out of. He leaned over the bed, pushed a button and the error message went away.
I had followed him into the room, still trying to hold all three towels strategically in place. All the while, I was quite aware my ass was completely uncovered.
Right then Blonde Man turned and faced me. His eyes, smiling with mischief, suddenly softened and looked kind.
"Relax," he said, "I'm gay."
There was a pause. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.
"Don't burn your nipples," he told me. "I did once and you wouldn't believe how much it hurts."
Before I could tell him I'd already had the pleasure of burnt nipples, he turned and walked out of the room.
I reached towards the door to close it when suddenly he turned back.
"By the way," he added, "If you ever get an error message again there's an intercom on the other side of the bed. You can just push the button and talk to the front desk."
And with that he left.
What do ya know? There's an intercom right next to the tanning bed.
© Twenty Four At Heart