The strangest thing happened last week. I lost my clitoris.
No, really I did.
It went missing and I was in full blown panic trying to find where it went.
I suppose I should start at the beginning?
Briefcase was being all …. Well, you know, one day.
Obvious about his intentions, I guess you could say.
He was giving me the *wink* when he looked at me and grabbing my ass when I walked by and making suggestive comments that men think are sexy. (Which, by the way, AREN'T!)
Why don't men understand what's sexy to them is not sexy to women? Pumping their fist up and down making jerk-off motions with a goofy grin on their face does not turn us on.
Nonetheless, I tried to mentally gear up for a romp.
I just couldn't get in the mood. Something is very, very, wrong when I'm not in the mood.
Later that evening, Briefcase and I were doing the horizontal when I interrupted The Main Event to say, "I think I've lost my clitoris!"
"What the hell?" he asked.
(I really didn't think anything I do or say could possibly surprise him after all these years, but I guess I was wrong.)
"My clit has gone missing," I announced emphatically.
He promptly went looking for it.
No clit. It was gone. MIA. Disappeared! Poof!
I decided to roll over and go to sleep. I mean, what's the point of sex without a clitoris?
Well, Briefcase didn't think that was a good idea, at all.
"You need to find your clitoris," he announced, "And I really think you should find it now!"
"Did you check my vagina," I asked? "Maybe it went in there to hide."
"I checked," Briefcase answered sounding hurt. "Did you not even notice? It's not there."
I spent the next two hours searching the house and I couldn't find it. I looked under the mattress, behind my pillow, in the button drawer, out in the garage and even in the refrigerator. (Which, by the way, would be so brrrrrrrrrrr!)
Finally, much to Briefcase's chagrin, I fell asleep without it.
The next day I started to panic. My clitoris had not returned on its own overnight. I went searching in the sex toy drawer, but my clit was not there. I thought I would just get near the sex toys and it would come running back, but no such luck.
My heart began racing. What would happen if my clit never returned?
I called one of my good friends, Diane, to ask if she'd seen it.
"I most certainly have never seen your clitoris," she replied. Then she paused and added, "Maybe it met up with mine. Mine has been missing for the last five years."
"Five YEARS?!" I screeched.
"Menopause," she acknowledged sadly.
My mind raced. I'm too young for menopause. I mean, aren't I? There are always aberrations though. What if my clitoris went missing for the next five years? Or maybe even for forever? I was becoming increasingly agitated at the thought.
I called Briefcase at work. He was in a meeting, but I told his secretary it was very urgent. Briefcase picked up the phone a minute later.
"Diane's clitoris has been missing for FIVE YEARS!" I announced upon hearing his voice.
"What did you just say?" he asked even though I knew he had heard me perfectly well.
"Diane lost her clit FIVE YEARS AGO!" I said increasingly alarmed.
"Oh my God, poor Jeff!" said Briefcase sounding distraught.
"Jeff? JEFF? You're worried about Jeff when Diane doesn't have a clitoris?" I asked.
"Twenty Four I'm in a meeting with my CEO right now, we will have to talk about Diane's clitoris later," Briefcase said and then he promptly hung up on me.
(Do you find it at all odd that we were planning to have a discussion about Diane's missing clitoris when Briefcase got home from work?)
Also, there was a disaster of a Clitoris Crisis going on and he hung up on me? What the hell? Where are the man's priorities?
I spent the remainder of the day anxious about my missing clitoris. I looked everywhere for it, but alas, my clit was nowhere to be found. Eventually, later that night, I fell into a deep but restless sleep. I dreamed of sex. Wild, hot, intense sex. I woke up to find Briefcase touching me and wonders of all wonders … my clit had returned sometime while I slept.
And that's my ** Happy Ending **
© Twenty Four At Heart