Things I Probably Should Have Told Suzanne BEFORE she Left for St. Lucia

Are you ready to laugh today?  The Internet brings people together who would never have found each other in real life otherwise.  A few months ago I somehow stumbled upon a crazy lady by the name of Jennster.  I don't remember how I came across her, but I was immediately struck by her absolute disregard for the rules.  She doesn't capitalize letters when she's supposed to.  She doesn't care about grammar or spelling.  Shit, she doesn't care about anything.  I instantly felt an inexplicable bond with her.  

Jennster's young – I'm ,um, am not quite as young as she is.  We shouldn't have a thing in common.  I think the first time I read her blog, however, she was writing about how very much she misses Southern California since she moved away.  The next time I read her blog she wrote about her son playing travel baseball.  Well, what do ya know … we have our love for S. California and our son's enthusiasm for the same sport in common.  Even more than that, however, we share a disdain for people who aren't real and put on airs. Jennster calls it like she sees it and we fell in love as only two California chicks can.  It's with a huge smile on my face that I introduce you today to my friend Jennster.  

i am so flattered that the whore wanted me to post on her blog while she was gone!  i feel like i don't know many of her readers so first of all, HI READERS WHO DON'T KNOW ME!  and hi to all of you who do!
 
without further adeau (is that how you spell adeau? what a stupid word) i present to you,
 
the things i probably should have told suzanne BEFORE she left for st. lucia:
 
1- there are lots of banana's in st. lucia. i mean, the entire island is COVERED in banana trees. they put those fuckers in everything.  every single blended drink has a whole banana shoved into it just for fun. i think they are trying to get rid of them.  they're probably as sick of them as you will be by the time you leave.  hope you aren't allergic to banana's!  🙂
 
2- when the bartender giggles and asks you if you'd like to try the "special island rum"..  RUN!  especially if it's clear and looks like water.  that shit will burn a whole in your throat on the way down and then i am fully convinced that it eats away at your insides after you've swallowed it.  it's deadly. and while you're sitting there making that stupid scrunched up "omg i'm going to die" face, the bartender's are high fiving each other and laughing their asses off.  this might have been helpful information before you left, huh?
 
3- the local island kids will dive into the water to chase after money.  meaning, if you throw a handful of change into the ocean, they'll jump in, find it all, and then come out smiling showing you all the change.  don't be the asshole that throws a penny in to watch the kids try to find it.  and really, don't be the asshole that throws the money in the water in the first place. is it really that difficult to just hand them the change?  i didn't think so.
 
4- when you go snorkeling and you spot a sea turtle, don't try to chase him because he'll totally ditch you. and next thing you know, you'll be lost, super far away from your boat and you're not really caring about that part because you're just wondering where the fuck that sea turtle went. and the truth is, he's probably right below you where the water gets too dark and you can't see him anymore, but he can totally see you.  and he's probably laughing.

    4a- and now that you've chased this stupid turtle super far, you've realized that you need to swim BACK to your boat.  but that's when you notice hundreds of little clear things surrounding you.  yes, they are baby jellyfish.  and YES, they do sting.  and you won't be able to get away from them fast enough.  and if you pee, they'll just sting you more.  so don't
pee!  probably should have told you this before right?  oh well. 
 
5-  the volcano on the island…  oh yeah, there is a volcano on the island.  it's alive and breathing and STINKING. it smells like rotten eggs. bad. and while it's neat to look at, it kind makes you want to vomit.  repeatedly.  consider yourself warned.
 
6-  don't miss the pitons.  you can't go to st lucia and not see the landmark of the island!  and have a great time! it's a cool island with really friendly and warm people.  the weather is great and i'm sure wherever you're staying, it will be enjoyable!  wish i was going with you!!!!!
 
xoxox

27 Responses to “Things I Probably Should Have Told Suzanne BEFORE she Left for St. Lucia”

  1. Kelly

    Favorite line is about the bananas. They put those fuckers in everything. Ha ha!

  2. Kelly

    Favorite line is about the bananas. They put those fuckers in everything. Ha ha!

  3. Kelly

    Favorite line is about the bananas. They put those fuckers in everything. Ha ha!

  4. Jan

    Now, see – this blog is an educational experience even when 24 isn’t here.
    Thank you, Jennster – I now know enough about St. Lucia to bypass it and go to Fiji instead.
    Oh, and I’ll stop by your blog later today – after I’ve finished screaming and cursing my day.

  5. Jan

    Now, see – this blog is an educational experience even when 24 isn’t here.
    Thank you, Jennster – I now know enough about St. Lucia to bypass it and go to Fiji instead.
    Oh, and I’ll stop by your blog later today – after I’ve finished screaming and cursing my day.

  6. Jan

    Now, see – this blog is an educational experience even when 24 isn’t here.
    Thank you, Jennster – I now know enough about St. Lucia to bypass it and go to Fiji instead.
    Oh, and I’ll stop by your blog later today – after I’ve finished screaming and cursing my day.

  7. Kristan

    LOL! #1 is true in Jamaica too. I preferred helping them with the banana problem by stuffing my face full of banana bread, personally.

  8. Kristan

    LOL! #1 is true in Jamaica too. I preferred helping them with the banana problem by stuffing my face full of banana bread, personally.

  9. Kristan

    LOL! #1 is true in Jamaica too. I preferred helping them with the banana problem by stuffing my face full of banana bread, personally.

  10. missy

    It sounds like 24 is having her fill of bananas and rum! I also read your blog and I agree that Columbine was such a disturbing event on so many levels. Keep up the good work.

  11. missy

    It sounds like 24 is having her fill of bananas and rum! I also read your blog and I agree that Columbine was such a disturbing event on so many levels. Keep up the good work.

  12. missy

    It sounds like 24 is having her fill of bananas and rum! I also read your blog and I agree that Columbine was such a disturbing event on so many levels. Keep up the good work.

  13. jennster

    LOL- hi everyone! thank you!!!! i couldn’t even finish the shot of the special rum.. i swear all i did was TAKE A SIP and it almost killed me standing.
    🙂

  14. jennster

    LOL- hi everyone! thank you!!!! i couldn’t even finish the shot of the special rum.. i swear all i did was TAKE A SIP and it almost killed me standing.
    🙂

  15. jennster

    LOL- hi everyone! thank you!!!! i couldn’t even finish the shot of the special rum.. i swear all i did was TAKE A SIP and it almost killed me standing.
    🙂

  16. Deidre

    Well, now i can’t go to St Lucia – I dislike bananas…its the texture. What is up with that texture?

  17. Deidre

    Well, now i can’t go to St Lucia – I dislike bananas…its the texture. What is up with that texture?

  18. Deidre

    Well, now i can’t go to St Lucia – I dislike bananas…its the texture. What is up with that texture?

  19. Fragrant Liar

    Okay, I’m not telling you where I’m going so you can run around behind me and tell people all the important little things you should have told me before I left. That’s it! NO! I’m not telling you.

  20. Fragrant Liar

    Okay, I’m not telling you where I’m going so you can run around behind me and tell people all the important little things you should have told me before I left. That’s it! NO! I’m not telling you.

  21. Fragrant Liar

    Okay, I’m not telling you where I’m going so you can run around behind me and tell people all the important little things you should have told me before I left. That’s it! NO! I’m not telling you.

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