I have a semi-but-not-really celebrity story I think you'll be interested in, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Not to be a tease or anything, but I didn't have a chance to write it up yet so instead you get some interesting information about my fat today. I bet you can't wait …
Something life altering happened to me last week.
Dear Gawd, I discovered I have back fat.
There is nothing more disgusting than back fat, and I must remedy the situation immediately or die of humiliation.
Who else has back fat? Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this disgusting, horrifying revelation.
If you have back fat, I'm sure yours is attractive, and fine, and beautiful. I just don't wear it well.
Even more distressing than the fact I have back fat, is the fact I went public with it. I don't mean I went public by telling all of you about it. No, I displayed my back fat for people to actually see. That's way worse than writing about it for a bazillion people on the Internet to read.
It all started when The Torturer sent me back to "my" room. He said he wanted to tape me. My shoulder/arm has been taped before, but not anytime in the last year so this was a change to my routine.
In order for a person to lift their arm the shoulder blade has to rotate. Mine doesn't. For some reason taping is supposed to help. The Torturer decided to tape me because I'm the biggest
pain in the ass career challenge he's ever had.
I went back to Room 3 and I kept my pants on.
Yes, I did. Aren't you proud?
I did take my shirt and bra off. The Moaner
would be so jealous.
Speaking of … omigod, The Moaner has been in rare form lately. (This might be me going off on a tangent now?) She's no longer a patient, but she won't leave. She's now doing "personal training" a few times a week at PT so she can
moan loudly for hit on The Torturer. She flirts outrageously with him and is constantly finding reasons to touch him.
The Moaner wears the shortest shorts I've ever seen … even shorter than Short Shorts
! They're spandex so they're skin tight and I'm not kidding they ride halfway up her ass. Personally, I think she should have given up spandex a decade or two ago. The Moaner is way
too old for spandex. I wonder if she has trouble driving her Porsche with her shorts so far up her ass?
I've asked The Torturer to work on me in her vicinity so I can get in a moaning contest with her, but he refuses. He actually put me in a private room the other day just to keep me away from her. He said something about not trusting my sense of humor.
He makes me so mad sometimes.
I think he's falling for her.
Why else would he try to keep me so far away from her?
I can't imagine any other reason, can you?
OK, back to room 3 and back fat. I had my pants on and my shirt and bra off. I stood there holding a little hand towel up over my boobs. Yes, just like a couple weeks ago at the tanning salon
. I opened the door to let The Torturer know I was done changing and ready for him.
Ready for him?
In any case, forty bazillion people walked by the open door as I stood there waiting. My back was to the open door because … hello, my boobs were barely covered by the hand towel and I didn't want to flash anyone with the front of me. Instead, unwittingly, I was apparently flashing back fat.
And still … I did not realize it.
The Torturer came in and put Kinesio
tape on my shoulder. I've been taped before, but never with Kinesio tape. Then he told me to get dressed. I didn't know the poor man had been exposed to my back fat while he was working on me.
By the way, Kinesio
tape is the same tape you might have seen on some of the Olympic athletes last summer. Misty May and Kerri Walsh won the gold medal in beach volleyball wearing Kinesio tape. Misty May also has the same shoulder surgeon I do.
I'm pretty sure that means I'm going to win an Olympic gold medal sometime very soon.
I'm so excited!
Kinesio tape comes in different colors, but The Torturer has been taping me with blue lately. It's very bright and it's VERY BLUE. It's quite attractive under a white t-shirt, let me tell ya. Strangely enough, it actually feels good to have the stuff on.
(Hey Kinesio people … if you stop by and read this, please send me a bazillion cases of your tape, m'kay? Thanks.)
Did I mention The Torturer insulted me a few zillion times with comments about how he should put the tape over my mouth? He also said if I had gotten stuck in the middle of one of the zip lines
in St. Lucia "someone could have shot [me] down." It's incredible how much that man loves me.
A few hours later I got home and I thought I'd take a picture of this blue, blue, tape and show all of you its blueness. I knew you'd be excited, right? I thought I'd totally make your day with a picture of just how blue it is.
I took off my shirt, I took off my bra, I grabbed my camera and headed towards a mirror.
Why did I take off my bra? Now that I think about it, that wasn't really necessary, was it? Maybe I just needed to air The Girls out.
I knew I couldn't take a front view of the tape or I'd be sharing my boobilicous ta-tas with all of you. I wanted a photo from the back, of my back.
Taking a photo of your own back in a mirror with one working arm is not an easy thing to do. I went through all sorts of acrobatics trying to get a picture.
And then I did.
Omigod. That's when I realized … back fat!
And no, you may not see the photo. It has been deleted and condemned to Photo Hell.
So now what do I do? How do you get rid of back fat? And how did it get there? I'm already dieting …. I started dieting the minute we got back from vacation because
my pants shrunk while I was gone too much rum cannot be good for the waistline. (Or the back fat, as it turns out!)
I can't use my right arm … is there some sort of THINKING exercise I can do to make it go away?? Because really, that's the best type of exercise I do. Thinking exercises.
© Twenty Four At Heart