OMG!!! Back Fat!

I have a semi-but-not-really celebrity story I think you'll be interested in, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow.  Not to be a tease or anything, but I didn't have a chance to write it up yet so instead you get some interesting information about my fat today.  I bet you can't wait …

Something life altering happened to me last week.

Dear Gawd, I discovered I have back fat.

There is nothing more disgusting than back fat, and I must remedy the situation immediately or die of humiliation.

Who else has back fat?  Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this disgusting, horrifying revelation.

If you have back fat, I'm sure yours is attractive, and fine, and beautiful.  I just don't wear it well.

Even more distressing than the fact I have back fat, is the fact I went public with it.  I don't mean I went public by telling all of you about it.  No, I displayed my back fat for people to actually see.  That's way worse than writing about it for a bazillion people on the Internet to read.

Gah!

It all started when The Torturer sent me back to "my" room.  He said he wanted to tape me.  My shoulder/arm has been taped before, but not anytime in the last year so this was a change to my routine.  

In order for a person to lift their arm the shoulder blade has to rotate.  Mine doesn't.  For some reason taping is supposed to help.  The Torturer decided to tape me because I'm the biggest pain in the ass career challenge he's ever had.

I went back to Room 3 and I kept my pants on.  

Yes, I did.  Aren't you proud?  

I did take my shirt and bra off.  The Moaner would be so jealous.  

Speaking of … omigod, The Moaner has been in rare form lately.  (This might be me going off on a tangent now?)  She's no longer a patient, but she won't leave.  She's now doing "personal training" a few times a week at PT so she can  moan loudly for hit on The Torturer.  She flirts outrageously with him and is constantly finding reasons to touch him. 

The Moaner wears the shortest shorts I've ever seen … even shorter than Short Shorts!  They're spandex so they're skin tight and I'm not kidding they ride halfway up her ass.  Personally, I think she should have given up spandex a decade or two ago.  The Moaner is way too old for spandex.  I wonder if she has trouble driving her Porsche with her shorts so far up her ass?

I've asked The Torturer to work on me in her vicinity so I can get in a moaning contest with her, but he refuses.  He actually put me in a private room the other day just to keep me away from her.  He said something about not trusting my sense of humor.  

He makes me so mad sometimes.  

I think he's falling for her.

Why else would he try to keep me so far away from her?  

I can't imagine any other reason, can you?

OK, back to room 3 and back fat.  I had my pants on and my shirt and bra off.  I stood there holding a little hand towel up over my boobs.  Yes, just like a couple weeks ago at the tanning salon .  I opened the door to let The Torturer know I was done changing and ready for him.

Ready for him?

<snicker>

In any case, forty bazillion people walked by the open door as I stood there waiting.  My back was to the open door because … hello, my boobs were barely covered by the hand towel and I didn't want to flash anyone with the front of me.  Instead, unwittingly, I was apparently flashing back fat.

And still … I did not realize it.

The Torturer came in and put Kinesio tape on my shoulder.  I've been taped before, but never with Kinesio tape.  Then he told me to get dressed.  I didn't know the poor man had been exposed to my back fat while he was working on me.

By the way, Kinesio tape is the same tape you might have seen on some of the Olympic athletes last summer.  Misty May and Kerri Walsh won the gold medal in beach volleyball wearing Kinesio tape.  Misty May also has the same shoulder surgeon I do.  

I'm pretty sure that means I'm going to win an Olympic gold medal sometime very soon.

I'm so excited!  

Kinesio tape comes in different colors, but The Torturer has been taping me with blue lately.  It's very bright and it's VERY BLUE.  It's quite attractive under a white t-shirt, let me tell ya.  Strangely enough, it actually feels good to have the stuff on.

(Hey Kinesio people … if you stop by and read this, please send me a bazillion cases of your tape, m'kay?  Thanks.)

Did I mention The Torturer insulted me a few zillion times with comments about how he should put the tape over my mouth?  He also said if I had gotten stuck in the middle of one of the zip lines in St. Lucia "someone could have shot [me] down."  It's incredible how much that man loves me.

A few hours later I got home and I thought I'd take a picture of this blue, blue, tape and show all of you its blueness.  I knew you'd be excited, right?  I thought I'd totally make your day with a picture of just how blue it is.

I took off my shirt, I took off my bra, I grabbed my camera and headed towards a mirror.  
Why did I take off my bra?  Now that I think about it, that wasn't really necessary, was it?  Maybe I just needed to air The Girls out.

I knew I couldn't take a front view of the tape or I'd be sharing my boobilicous ta-tas with all of you.  I wanted a photo from the back, of my back.

Taking a photo of your own back in a mirror with one working arm is not an easy thing to do.  I went through all sorts of acrobatics trying to get a picture.  

And then I did.

Omigod.  That's when I realized … back fat!
!

And no, you may not see the photo.  It has been deleted and condemned to Photo Hell.

So now what do I do?  How do you get rid of back fat?  And how did it get there?  I'm already dieting ….  I started dieting the minute we got back from vacation because my pants shrunk while I was gone too much rum cannot be good for the waistline.  (Or the back fat, as it turns out!)

I can't use my right arm … is there some sort of THINKING exercise I can do to make it go away??  Because really, that's the best type of exercise I do.  Thinking exercises.

© Twenty Four At Heart

75 Responses to “OMG!!! Back Fat!”

  1. Deidre

    Pilates I’ve heard is great for strengthening the back (which I assume means reducing back fat)…(lying on your stomach and lifting your chest and legs up off the ground without using your hands) But I bet you don’t have ANY back fat, I bet it was all that contortionist photography nonsense that just made the skin bunchy. That was supposed to be comforting…

  2. Deidre

    Pilates I’ve heard is great for strengthening the back (which I assume means reducing back fat)…(lying on your stomach and lifting your chest and legs up off the ground without using your hands) But I bet you don’t have ANY back fat, I bet it was all that contortionist photography nonsense that just made the skin bunchy. That was supposed to be comforting…

  3. Deidre

    Pilates I’ve heard is great for strengthening the back (which I assume means reducing back fat)…(lying on your stomach and lifting your chest and legs up off the ground without using your hands) But I bet you don’t have ANY back fat, I bet it was all that contortionist photography nonsense that just made the skin bunchy. That was supposed to be comforting…

  4. Tricia

    I know its there and I haven’t seen a picture of my back. The damn stuff is sneaky to come up behind us with no warning!

  5. Tricia

    I know its there and I haven’t seen a picture of my back. The damn stuff is sneaky to come up behind us with no warning!

  6. Tricia

    I know its there and I haven’t seen a picture of my back. The damn stuff is sneaky to come up behind us with no warning!

  7. sherendipity

    I have everything fat. Some days, my toes even look fat. Nothing sways me anymore.
    I want you to post pictures wearing your new Olympic Medal. You know, when you win it.

  8. sherendipity

    I have everything fat. Some days, my toes even look fat. Nothing sways me anymore.
    I want you to post pictures wearing your new Olympic Medal. You know, when you win it.

  9. sherendipity

    I have everything fat. Some days, my toes even look fat. Nothing sways me anymore.
    I want you to post pictures wearing your new Olympic Medal. You know, when you win it.

  10. Alan

    Nothing like waking up, having a cup of coffee and reading about your boobs…er…I mean back fat. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
    I think you should let US be the judge of whether or not you have back fat. Post the picture…I DARE you!!!

  11. Alan

    Nothing like waking up, having a cup of coffee and reading about your boobs…er…I mean back fat. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
    I think you should let US be the judge of whether or not you have back fat. Post the picture…I DARE you!!!

  12. Alan

    Nothing like waking up, having a cup of coffee and reading about your boobs…er…I mean back fat. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
    I think you should let US be the judge of whether or not you have back fat. Post the picture…I DARE you!!!

  13. Joanne

    yes, I have fat right down to my toes too, (sigh)

  14. Joanne

    yes, I have fat right down to my toes too, (sigh)

  15. Joanne

    yes, I have fat right down to my toes too, (sigh)

  16. Andrea

    Ah, the dreaded back fat, not to be confused with fatback! I have it too and I guess the only good thing about it is that we can’t see it ourselves (unless you are a contortionist). Not sure how to get rid of it. I’m sure the Moaner has it too, if not now than very soon!

  17. Andrea

    Ah, the dreaded back fat, not to be confused with fatback! I have it too and I guess the only good thing about it is that we can’t see it ourselves (unless you are a contortionist). Not sure how to get rid of it. I’m sure the Moaner has it too, if not now than very soon!

  18. Andrea

    Ah, the dreaded back fat, not to be confused with fatback! I have it too and I guess the only good thing about it is that we can’t see it ourselves (unless you are a contortionist). Not sure how to get rid of it. I’m sure the Moaner has it too, if not now than very soon!

  19. Donna in VA

    You’re so funny. I feel your agony. I recently discovered back fat and was appalled. During these late 40’s, I’ve discovered lots of things that are new and different. . . and shifted. How did my ass end up on my stomach? THAT’S what I want to know. My ass is completely GONE and my typically small waist is somewhat thicker. Add back fat, mix and stir and I’m a MESS. The late 40s SUCK!

  20. Donna in VA

    You’re so funny. I feel your agony. I recently discovered back fat and was appalled. During these late 40’s, I’ve discovered lots of things that are new and different. . . and shifted. How did my ass end up on my stomach? THAT’S what I want to know. My ass is completely GONE and my typically small waist is somewhat thicker. Add back fat, mix and stir and I’m a MESS. The late 40s SUCK!

  21. Donna in VA

    You’re so funny. I feel your agony. I recently discovered back fat and was appalled. During these late 40’s, I’ve discovered lots of things that are new and different. . . and shifted. How did my ass end up on my stomach? THAT’S what I want to know. My ass is completely GONE and my typically small waist is somewhat thicker. Add back fat, mix and stir and I’m a MESS. The late 40s SUCK!

  22. Deb

    I admit I have back fat. I don’t wear it well either.
    Congratulations on your pending Gold Medal! OMG I’m so excited I “know” a gold medalist!
    I love hearing about the moaner. You make me laugh.

  23. Deb

    I admit I have back fat. I don’t wear it well either.
    Congratulations on your pending Gold Medal! OMG I’m so excited I “know” a gold medalist!
    I love hearing about the moaner. You make me laugh.

  24. Deb

    I admit I have back fat. I don’t wear it well either.
    Congratulations on your pending Gold Medal! OMG I’m so excited I “know” a gold medalist!
    I love hearing about the moaner. You make me laugh.

  25. Sandi

    I am 37 years old, I am 5’6 and 105 pounds, and I have back fat! It is disgusting and I have no idea what to do to get rid of it. Where in the hell did it come from and why does it want to live on my back. I have an ass that would be delighted to have it. My arms, my legs, anywhere for that matter, would have been fabulous on me. BUT MY BACK? I hear you loud and clear friend! LOUD AND CLEAR!

  26. Sandi

    I am 37 years old, I am 5’6 and 105 pounds, and I have back fat! It is disgusting and I have no idea what to do to get rid of it. Where in the hell did it come from and why does it want to live on my back. I have an ass that would be delighted to have it. My arms, my legs, anywhere for that matter, would have been fabulous on me. BUT MY BACK? I hear you loud and clear friend! LOUD AND CLEAR!

  27. Sandi

    I am 37 years old, I am 5’6 and 105 pounds, and I have back fat! It is disgusting and I have no idea what to do to get rid of it. Where in the hell did it come from and why does it want to live on my back. I have an ass that would be delighted to have it. My arms, my legs, anywhere for that matter, would have been fabulous on me. BUT MY BACK? I hear you loud and clear friend! LOUD AND CLEAR!

  28. Jan

    I’ve got back fat. Front fat. Side fat. Top fat. Bottom fat.
    I’ve got a fat head, too.
    Now that we’ve had a successful face transplant in this country, I say it’s about time there was an ass transplant. I’ll be more than happy to donate mine.

  29. Jan

    I’ve got back fat. Front fat. Side fat. Top fat. Bottom fat.
    I’ve got a fat head, too.
    Now that we’ve had a successful face transplant in this country, I say it’s about time there was an ass transplant. I’ll be more than happy to donate mine.

  30. Jan

    I’ve got back fat. Front fat. Side fat. Top fat. Bottom fat.
    I’ve got a fat head, too.
    Now that we’ve had a successful face transplant in this country, I say it’s about time there was an ass transplant. I’ll be more than happy to donate mine.

  31. Kelly

    Too funny. Not to take anything away from a great back fat story, but maybe it’s because your muscles don’t work anymore? If so, what’s my excuse? I have back fat and no gold medal in sight.

  32. Kelly

    Too funny. Not to take anything away from a great back fat story, but maybe it’s because your muscles don’t work anymore? If so, what’s my excuse? I have back fat and no gold medal in sight.

  33. Kelly

    Too funny. Not to take anything away from a great back fat story, but maybe it’s because your muscles don’t work anymore? If so, what’s my excuse? I have back fat and no gold medal in sight.

  34. Pseudo

    Summer ’07. In LA, staying at my hipster nephew’s. He takes us touring and we end up in a store that sells the jeans that range from $200- $600. I figure, might as well try some on and see what a pair of jeans whose price could feed a village looks and feels like.
    I ask the salesgirl for help selecting a few pair that would be applicable for my body type. She selects a pair, and proceeds to tell me it is the best brand to camaflauge a “muffin-top.”
    Seriously. Maybe she knew I had no indent of buying anything.

  35. Pseudo

    Summer ’07. In LA, staying at my hipster nephew’s. He takes us touring and we end up in a store that sells the jeans that range from $200- $600. I figure, might as well try some on and see what a pair of jeans whose price could feed a village looks and feels like.
    I ask the salesgirl for help selecting a few pair that would be applicable for my body type. She selects a pair, and proceeds to tell me it is the best brand to camaflauge a “muffin-top.”
    Seriously. Maybe she knew I had no indent of buying anything.

  36. Pseudo

    Summer ’07. In LA, staying at my hipster nephew’s. He takes us touring and we end up in a store that sells the jeans that range from $200- $600. I figure, might as well try some on and see what a pair of jeans whose price could feed a village looks and feels like.
    I ask the salesgirl for help selecting a few pair that would be applicable for my body type. She selects a pair, and proceeds to tell me it is the best brand to camaflauge a “muffin-top.”
    Seriously. Maybe she knew I had no indent of buying anything.

  37. Sandra

    I’m laughing at all these comments. And YOU 24, crack me up too. I’m pretty sure I have back fat but I refuse to look. I have, however, purchased enough spanx Super Panties to supply a small army. They’re awesome. They shrink my butt and stomach. The bummer is the fat is now all pushed up the top and I don’t mean bigger boobs. I really need a full body suit of that Spanx stuff.

  38. Sandra

    I’m laughing at all these comments. And YOU 24, crack me up too. I’m pretty sure I have back fat but I refuse to look. I have, however, purchased enough spanx Super Panties to supply a small army. They’re awesome. They shrink my butt and stomach. The bummer is the fat is now all pushed up the top and I don’t mean bigger boobs. I really need a full body suit of that Spanx stuff.

  39. Sandra

    I’m laughing at all these comments. And YOU 24, crack me up too. I’m pretty sure I have back fat but I refuse to look. I have, however, purchased enough spanx Super Panties to supply a small army. They’re awesome. They shrink my butt and stomach. The bummer is the fat is now all pushed up the top and I don’t mean bigger boobs. I really need a full body suit of that Spanx stuff.

  40. Tina

    back fat is of the devil, I am sure of it

  41. Tina

    back fat is of the devil, I am sure of it

  42. Tina

    back fat is of the devil, I am sure of it

  43. Elaine at Lipstickdaily

    I refuse to discuss back fat or acknowledge that such a things exists. If I don’t look, it’s not there. PS lifting a glass of wine with your left hand is pretty good exercise.

  44. Elaine at Lipstickdaily

    I refuse to discuss back fat or acknowledge that such a things exists. If I don’t look, it’s not there. PS lifting a glass of wine with your left hand is pretty good exercise.

  45. Elaine at Lipstickdaily

    I refuse to discuss back fat or acknowledge that such a things exists. If I don’t look, it’s not there. PS lifting a glass of wine with your left hand is pretty good exercise.

  46. Beth Christians

    In some circles it’s called “bra overhang”, that makes back fat almost sound good!
    ….I’m with Elaine and the “can’t see it, doesn’t exist” theory myself!
    I came across your blog a few weeks ago through Neilochka and enjoy it, both the funny and the serious. Thanks for sharing.

  47. Beth Christians

    In some circles it’s called “bra overhang”, that makes back fat almost sound good!
    ….I’m with Elaine and the “can’t see it, doesn’t exist” theory myself!
    I came across your blog a few weeks ago through Neilochka and enjoy it, both the funny and the serious. Thanks for sharing.

  48. Beth Christians

    In some circles it’s called “bra overhang”, that makes back fat almost sound good!
    ….I’m with Elaine and the “can’t see it, doesn’t exist” theory myself!
    I came across your blog a few weeks ago through Neilochka and enjoy it, both the funny and the serious. Thanks for sharing.

  49. BeautifulWreck

    I can hardly type this I am laughing so hard about the Moaner.
    And you are not the only one on the back fat thing. Just share with all of us how to get rid of it.

  50. BeautifulWreck

    I can hardly type this I am laughing so hard about the Moaner.
    And you are not the only one on the back fat thing. Just share with all of us how to get rid of it.

  51. BeautifulWreck

    I can hardly type this I am laughing so hard about the Moaner.
    And you are not the only one on the back fat thing. Just share with all of us how to get rid of it.

  52. Stacey

    I don’t know if I have back fat or not, but now I’m afraid to check.

  53. Stacey

    I don’t know if I have back fat or not, but now I’m afraid to check.

  54. Stacey

    I don’t know if I have back fat or not, but now I’m afraid to check.

  55. Jason

    You, Suzanne, have such a delightful way with words, I tell you. And we never get tired of it. Not one bit.
    Now, the only thing worse than back fat is HAIRY back fat. Just be glad you don’t have HAIRY back fat.
    Or do you?

  56. Jason

    You, Suzanne, have such a delightful way with words, I tell you. And we never get tired of it. Not one bit.
    Now, the only thing worse than back fat is HAIRY back fat. Just be glad you don’t have HAIRY back fat.
    Or do you?

  57. Jason

    You, Suzanne, have such a delightful way with words, I tell you. And we never get tired of it. Not one bit.
    Now, the only thing worse than back fat is HAIRY back fat. Just be glad you don’t have HAIRY back fat.
    Or do you?

  58. Elaina

    I like to call it fat back. In honor of my time in the south. LOL! And I choose to think fat back is hot.
    I live in denial a lot of the time.

  59. Elaina

    I like to call it fat back. In honor of my time in the south. LOL! And I choose to think fat back is hot.
    I live in denial a lot of the time.

  60. Elaina

    I like to call it fat back. In honor of my time in the south. LOL! And I choose to think fat back is hot.
    I live in denial a lot of the time.

  61. Shatna

    Back fat is largely caused by your bra. Exercising will help a little, but changing your bra will help a lot. I can definitely relate to the back fat and muffin top mess. Then I discovered something truly amazing… the Unbelievabra by a new company Shapeez (www.unbelievabra.com). It hides all my little (and not so little) imperfections left over from having 2 kids. It provides shaping, support and lift. It is so comfortable, I have since trashed all my other bras. It is worth a try.

  62. Shatna

    Back fat is largely caused by your bra. Exercising will help a little, but changing your bra will help a lot. I can definitely relate to the back fat and muffin top mess. Then I discovered something truly amazing… the Unbelievabra by a new company Shapeez (www.unbelievabra.com). It hides all my little (and not so little) imperfections left over from having 2 kids. It provides shaping, support and lift. It is so comfortable, I have since trashed all my other bras. It is worth a try.

  63. Shatna

    Back fat is largely caused by your bra. Exercising will help a little, but changing your bra will help a lot. I can definitely relate to the back fat and muffin top mess. Then I discovered something truly amazing… the Unbelievabra by a new company Shapeez (www.unbelievabra.com). It hides all my little (and not so little) imperfections left over from having 2 kids. It provides shaping, support and lift. It is so comfortable, I have since trashed all my other bras. It is worth a try.

  64. Pat VanderBeek

    I laughed all the way through this.
    I’m 61 and I have back fat, even though I do upper body weight training exercises 3x a week and I can do 60 girls’ (i.e., modified) push-ups at a time.

  65. Pat VanderBeek

    I laughed all the way through this.
    I’m 61 and I have back fat, even though I do upper body weight training exercises 3x a week and I can do 60 girls’ (i.e., modified) push-ups at a time.

  66. Pat VanderBeek

    I laughed all the way through this.
    I’m 61 and I have back fat, even though I do upper body weight training exercises 3x a week and I can do 60 girls’ (i.e., modified) push-ups at a time.

  67. Midlife Slices

    I’ve never seen a single sign of any back fat on me. But then again, I never ever look at my backside in a mirror. Never ever ever looking at your back in a mirror will take care of your back fat. There ya go. Problem solved. 🙂

  68. Midlife Slices

    I’ve never seen a single sign of any back fat on me. But then again, I never ever look at my backside in a mirror. Never ever ever looking at your back in a mirror will take care of your back fat. There ya go. Problem solved. 🙂

  69. Midlife Slices

    I’ve never seen a single sign of any back fat on me. But then again, I never ever look at my backside in a mirror. Never ever ever looking at your back in a mirror will take care of your back fat. There ya go. Problem solved. 🙂

×

Comments are closed.