I wonder how many people I will offend today. I'm guessing at least a few hundred.
Before I start offending people, I'd like to go public with a couple things. First of all, I'm hopelessly behind on email right now and if you are waiting to hear from me, I apologize. Second, thank all of you so much for your responses and concern about Mocha. I couldn't believe the outpouring of love for our lab. I have the kindest readers in the world. Third, I will be available for meet and greets on a few occasions this summer. Right now I know the following dates:
July 23 – 27 Chicago (BlogHer convention)
August 21 – 22 Charlotte, NC
** More dates and cities to follow **
If you live near where I will be, when I will be there, I'd love to meet you in person. Just send me an email letting me know you're interested and I'll get details out to you. I'll republish the dates periodically as they grow closer.
Okay, now I'll carry on offending people.
For quite some time I've been getting emails from a very Right Wing Organization (RWO) based out of Texas. I don't know how they found me, but my guess is they were wandering the Internet searching for sinners. They found me, and I openly admit to being a sinner so, fair enough.
At first, I'd get about one email a month telling me in quite forceful terms they could save me. Lately, they've upped the email frequency to daily.
Initially, the emails amused me. Lately, they've become downright annoying.
I realize by writing on the Internet I put myself out there for criticism and judgment.
And it's a big but.
(Not as big as my butt maybe, but a big but nonetheless!)
I write Twenty Four At Heart because it entertains me to do so. Hopefully most of you come here to read because it entertains you also.
Some of you may even feel you've come to "know" me by reading 24. And it's true, you do get a glimpse of me here in my writing. You see the parts of me, or my life, I choose to reveal in the fashion I choose to reveal them.
Yesterday I had lunch with one of my readers. She lives in Money Town, heard about 24 and began reading on a daily basis. After awhile she began exchanging emails with me. We realized we have some mutual friends. We now get together on a fairly regular basis for coffee or lunch.
At lunch, she commented on how quiet I am and how "normal" and calm I am. I suppose my writing gives the impression I might show up topless if you invite me to meet you for lunch. I want to go on record as saying, I have never once shown up topless in public.
Not intentionally, anyway.
(Well, not counting the tanning salon, but that wasn't my fault.)
I'm such a disappointment.
The point I'm making is there is an awful lot about me that isn't anywhere to be found in cyberspace.
So when I get an email from RWO adamant about "saving" me day after day it begins to really annoy me.
How do they know I'm not saved?
Do they know anything whatsoever about my religious beliefs?
What are they trying to save me from?
Are they trying to save me from the chronic pain I live with?
Are they trying to save my boobs from getting cut off by a plastic surgeon?
Are they trying to save me from mooning the train?
Are they trying to save me from my leaking dog? (By the way, the vet believes she has a kidney stone but she has stopped leaking!)
Maybe they're trying to save me from checking out the repairman's drill?
Maybe they're trying to save my clit, which I lost temporarily last March?
Maybe they think it's wrong for me to have a cuter cooter?
Do they really know anything about me? Did I ask for their help?
The answer is no, no, no! And oh, how I hate judgmental people.
That being said, I'm asking for your help. I know a lot of you are real smart asses, right? Give me ideas for some funny or rude replies I can send to RWO next time I hear from them. One idea per comment. I will pick the funniest or rudest reply (yes, it's subjective) and the one winner will get:
This cool Starbucks Orange County coffee mug AND a $20 gift card to Starbucks. I have one of these coffee mugs and I use it every morning. It's big, it feels great in my hand and it has become my very favorite! The mug has a cool surfing dude on the front. The back of the mug looks like this:
The contest ends this Sunday evening, May 31st, at 8 p.m., Pacific Time. One entry per comment. The winner will be announced on Monday.
© Twenty Four At Heart