When Outsiders Visit Money Town

I live adjacent to Money Town.  Money Town is a gate guarded community.  The guards at the gates are idiots, but they wear a name tag saying GUARD which makes them official.

I share the same Starbucks, grocery, and community stores with the Money Town folks.  For over 15 years my kids played sports in various Money Town sports leagues.  I like to make fun of the more absurd personalities Money Town offers, but the truth of the matter is I take for granted the general essence of Money Town itself.

Last Friday PR had a baseball game at the Money Town Sports Park.  His team was playing against a Money Town Team.  Over the years both of my boys have played many games there.  My car accident, in fact, occurred as I left one day after dropping PR at practice at this very same park.  To this day my stomach clenches in knots from the memory every time I'm there.  I have to take a deep breath each time I leave the park and re-enter the intersection where my life was left shattered right alongside my shoulder.

When PR was 12 we made a parental decision to remove him from Money Town baseball leagues for reasons I won't bore you with today.  Since that time we frequently comment about the fact PR now plays in "normal" leagues with "normal" people instead of surrounded by Money Town's finest.  (I'm pissing Money Town people off as I write this … I can FEEL it.  To be honest?  It's not the first time!)  

The truth is, most Money Town people are a different breed of people.  They're sort of like their very own civilization.   Heh …

I'm going to take a short detour here so you'll understand my state of mind at PR's game last Friday.  Earlier in the day I had visited with my surgeon for my MRI results.  I won't go into all the blah, blah, blah about that right now.  However, before I left he did a procedure on me which included inserting a thirty foot (maybe forty foot?) needle through my shoulder joint and injecting me with Shit That Hurts Like Hell.  Then he told me to go home, "take lots of pain meds, ice [my] arm and do nothing but rest and enjoy the drugs for the remainder of the weekend."

I went home and reported my status to Briefcase.  Then I took lots of drugs, had no time for ice or rest, and went to PR's game at the Money Town park high as a kite.  By that, I mean I was really out of my mind and extremely happy (if somewhat confused) on all those drugs.  I'm not used to them anymore because I rarely take them now.  

Really, you know what everyone around here wants?  They all want to watch me high and with no mouth control whatsoever in Money Town.  It's kind of like a train wreck.  You want to look away, but you just … can't.

Briefcase later told me he looked into the bleachers where I was seated and saw me "holding court" for the other families on PR's team.  He said everyone was in stitches laughing at with me.  I don't really remember much at all.  I only remember snippets over the few hours I was there.  

I might have talked nonstop a lot and laughed even more.

I might have told a few zillion Money Town anecdotes.

I might have thought we were halfway through the game and tied 2-2 when the game was actually over and PR's team had won 5-0.

Someone might have laughed and asked exactly what game I had been at while everyone else was at the game right there in Money Town.  And then just maybe everyone laughed and asked if I'd had a good time at whatever game I'd been to.

When I think back on it I realize how odd Money Town must have seemed to many of those nice, normal families who had never been there before.  One man commented incredulously regarding the enormous homes he'd seen as he drove to the Sports Park.  One man asked if the front yard he'd seen "really belonged to a person" or whether it was a golf course.  (At first I thought he did mean the Money Town golf course, but then I realized he was indeed talking about someone's front yard.)  Several of the women commented on "the fancy cars" and "oh my, the WOMEN here!"

It made me realize how much of my surroundings I don't even see anymore. 

During the game I got up to stretch my legs.  I saw a woman walking in the park and I sent the following out on Twitter:

There's a woman here with fake boobs that are big enough to reach to Chicago.

What I didn't say was that she had on a skin tight tank top that said "Money Town" across her enormous fake boobs.

I found it so tacky … it would be like having, "I'm Filthy Rich" printed across your chest in any other town.  Classless.

The woman smiled at me.  I stared at her in my drugged stupor.  I was thinking how ridiculous she looked with her enormous chest, her plastic face, her liposuctioned body and her tight Money Town shirt on.  She said hello, and I replied, "hi." She seemed too friendly.  I wondered if she was hitting on me.  She winked.

OMG!  Big Tits was hitting on me!

I went back to the bleachers and reported to one of my friends that Big Tits wanted me.

She winked at me!

Yes, I was THAT drugged.

Because REALLY?  What a rich, plastic Money Town woman wants is not a drugged up poor woman from outside the gates.  (That'
s how Money People talk … you're a loser if you're from outside the gates.)

Right after Big Tits hit on me things got busy.  

Briefcase invited 20+ people over to our house after the game without warning me ahead of time.  (I had no food, etc. in the house and ended up ordering pizzas.)  Briefcase did this because in his mind when my doctor says I should do nothing but rest it somehow translates into my wife would love to entertain 20+ unexpected guests tonight when she's in a lot of pain.

It's just another example of the fine communication skills that develop between a couple when they've been married for many years.

It wasn't until around midnight when Briefcase turned to me and said, "Oh, I saw you saying hello to Ms. Bitch today at the park."

"Ms. Bitch?" I asked.

And that's when it hit me.  Big Tits?  Big Tits was actually a bitch woman I've known for six or seven years named Ms. Bitch.  She's had so much plastic surgery done recently I didn't even recognize her.  Would I have recognized her if I hadn't been so drugged up?  I doubt it.  She is only a ghost of her former self.  When she winked and said hello she wasn't hitting on me.  She just wanted me to see the "new" her.

I'm still floored.  How could I not have known?  I mean, just because she had a new face, boobs, stomach, ass and thighs ….

A change of identity like this is commonplace in Money Town.  And yet, I still can't believe Big Tits and Ms. Bitch are the same person.  

© Twenty Four At Heart

84 Responses to “When Outsiders Visit Money Town”

  1. SSG

    a friend of mine at uni had a nose job, and didnt tell anyone. I remember asking him and going on about something had changed about him, had he been in an accident etc, and eventually he told me he’d had his nose done. That was scary- my friend changing over the summer holidays to someone I didnt recognise. And the fact that no-one else noticed that his face was different.

  2. SSG

    a friend of mine at uni had a nose job, and didnt tell anyone. I remember asking him and going on about something had changed about him, had he been in an accident etc, and eventually he told me he’d had his nose done. That was scary- my friend changing over the summer holidays to someone I didnt recognise. And the fact that no-one else noticed that his face was different.

  3. SSG

    a friend of mine at uni had a nose job, and didnt tell anyone. I remember asking him and going on about something had changed about him, had he been in an accident etc, and eventually he told me he’d had his nose done. That was scary- my friend changing over the summer holidays to someone I didnt recognise. And the fact that no-one else noticed that his face was different.

  4. Deidre

    Wow…I cannot imagine having so much plastic surgery to render me unrecogniseable. That’s depressing – it’d be a much better story if she was some kind of international spy or ninja.
    I dyed my hair red for 5 years and no one noticed when i dyed it or when i let grow out.

  5. Deidre

    Wow…I cannot imagine having so much plastic surgery to render me unrecogniseable. That’s depressing – it’d be a much better story if she was some kind of international spy or ninja.
    I dyed my hair red for 5 years and no one noticed when i dyed it or when i let grow out.

  6. Deidre

    Wow…I cannot imagine having so much plastic surgery to render me unrecogniseable. That’s depressing – it’d be a much better story if she was some kind of international spy or ninja.
    I dyed my hair red for 5 years and no one noticed when i dyed it or when i let grow out.

  7. Joanne

    I cannot help but tell you that as much as I adore your wit, I was struck with nothing but fear for you at the fact that you were driving(?, please tell me you were not!) on heavy pain meds. Don’t worry me like that!!
    XOXOXOXXOO
    jj

  8. Joanne

    I cannot help but tell you that as much as I adore your wit, I was struck with nothing but fear for you at the fact that you were driving(?, please tell me you were not!) on heavy pain meds. Don’t worry me like that!!
    XOXOXOXXOO
    jj

  9. Joanne

    I cannot help but tell you that as much as I adore your wit, I was struck with nothing but fear for you at the fact that you were driving(?, please tell me you were not!) on heavy pain meds. Don’t worry me like that!!
    XOXOXOXXOO
    jj

  10. stoneskin

    I suppose the close proximaty of such huge boobs must have caused a bizarre gravitational effect on your synapses.

  11. stoneskin

    I suppose the close proximaty of such huge boobs must have caused a bizarre gravitational effect on your synapses.

  12. stoneskin

    I suppose the close proximaty of such huge boobs must have caused a bizarre gravitational effect on your synapses.

  13. Donna in VA

    I’m amazed at how small their world really is if they look down their noses at everyone “outside the gates”. There’s a big world out there full of all kinds of people. No matter how much money they have or how nice of homes that they have, I much PREFER being “outside the gates” where I can experience the multitudes of people, personalities, ethnicities, cultures, the whole ball of wax.
    Funny how before reading your blog and looking at Money Town from a different perspective (other than how TV glamorizes it) did I realize that I actually feel sorry for them. Such narrow lives they lead.

  14. Donna in VA

    I’m amazed at how small their world really is if they look down their noses at everyone “outside the gates”. There’s a big world out there full of all kinds of people. No matter how much money they have or how nice of homes that they have, I much PREFER being “outside the gates” where I can experience the multitudes of people, personalities, ethnicities, cultures, the whole ball of wax.
    Funny how before reading your blog and looking at Money Town from a different perspective (other than how TV glamorizes it) did I realize that I actually feel sorry for them. Such narrow lives they lead.

  15. Donna in VA

    I’m amazed at how small their world really is if they look down their noses at everyone “outside the gates”. There’s a big world out there full of all kinds of people. No matter how much money they have or how nice of homes that they have, I much PREFER being “outside the gates” where I can experience the multitudes of people, personalities, ethnicities, cultures, the whole ball of wax.
    Funny how before reading your blog and looking at Money Town from a different perspective (other than how TV glamorizes it) did I realize that I actually feel sorry for them. Such narrow lives they lead.

  16. Pseudo

    My husband watches Celebrity Apprentice. I was memsmerized by Joan Rivers, who is starting to look like that Cat Woman from all the plastic surgery. But was even more astonished to see her daughter looking like she has already gone under the knife.
    Scary.

  17. Pseudo

    My husband watches Celebrity Apprentice. I was memsmerized by Joan Rivers, who is starting to look like that Cat Woman from all the plastic surgery. But was even more astonished to see her daughter looking like she has already gone under the knife.
    Scary.

  18. Pseudo

    My husband watches Celebrity Apprentice. I was memsmerized by Joan Rivers, who is starting to look like that Cat Woman from all the plastic surgery. But was even more astonished to see her daughter looking like she has already gone under the knife.
    Scary.

  19. Linda

    The lines these people must endure just to retake their drivers licence photo every time they change their face! OH! what was I thinking? They probably have some one wait in line for them!

  20. Linda

    The lines these people must endure just to retake their drivers licence photo every time they change their face! OH! what was I thinking? They probably have some one wait in line for them!

  21. Linda

    The lines these people must endure just to retake their drivers licence photo every time they change their face! OH! what was I thinking? They probably have some one wait in line for them!

  22. Hallie

    I don’t think my boobs are big enough to reach across my desk let alone all the way to another state. I’d like to see a set like that!!
    Halllie

  23. Hallie

    I don’t think my boobs are big enough to reach across my desk let alone all the way to another state. I’d like to see a set like that!!
    Halllie

  24. Hallie

    I don’t think my boobs are big enough to reach across my desk let alone all the way to another state. I’d like to see a set like that!!
    Halllie

  25. Twenty Four At Heart

    Joanne –
    I was NOT driving. I went to the game w/PR and Briefcase and Briefcase drove. I know better ….!
    Suz – it wasn’t LLeague … although it was baseball. It also wasn’t Vicodin – the drugs they give me are much stronger. I would have been a little more in control if it had been just vicodin.

  26. Twenty Four At Heart

    Joanne –
    I was NOT driving. I went to the game w/PR and Briefcase and Briefcase drove. I know better ….!
    Suz – it wasn’t LLeague … although it was baseball. It also wasn’t Vicodin – the drugs they give me are much stronger. I would have been a little more in control if it had been just vicodin.

  27. Twenty Four At Heart

    Joanne –
    I was NOT driving. I went to the game w/PR and Briefcase and Briefcase drove. I know better ….!
    Suz – it wasn’t LLeague … although it was baseball. It also wasn’t Vicodin – the drugs they give me are much stronger. I would have been a little more in control if it had been just vicodin.

  28. Alan

    You live in a world all on your own. I swear, half the time, I can’t imagine these people you see every day…

  29. Alan

    You live in a world all on your own. I swear, half the time, I can’t imagine these people you see every day…

  30. Alan

    You live in a world all on your own. I swear, half the time, I can’t imagine these people you see every day…

  31. Elaina

    Honestly? I’d hate living next to Money Town. Your view is beautiful though. And way back when that whole area was less built up, I wanted to live in that general area. Not now though. The older I get the more turned off I am by pretentious or ostentatious displays of someone’s money (even if that means a tank top over boobs that stretch to Chicago). If I had it, I’d much rather be the type to live well but refuse to flaunt it in everyone’s face.

  32. Elaina

    Honestly? I’d hate living next to Money Town. Your view is beautiful though. And way back when that whole area was less built up, I wanted to live in that general area. Not now though. The older I get the more turned off I am by pretentious or ostentatious displays of someone’s money (even if that means a tank top over boobs that stretch to Chicago). If I had it, I’d much rather be the type to live well but refuse to flaunt it in everyone’s face.

  33. Elaina

    Honestly? I’d hate living next to Money Town. Your view is beautiful though. And way back when that whole area was less built up, I wanted to live in that general area. Not now though. The older I get the more turned off I am by pretentious or ostentatious displays of someone’s money (even if that means a tank top over boobs that stretch to Chicago). If I had it, I’d much rather be the type to live well but refuse to flaunt it in everyone’s face.

  34. Lo

    good to know that the wonderful lines of communication will remain working the same in 15+ years as they do now. sigh.
    and ms. bitch scares me. seriously. don’t worry, there are women like that here in chicago. they’re called gold coast bitches. they’re scary and mean. and wear lots of gucci. and not in a good way. shudder.

  35. Lo

    good to know that the wonderful lines of communication will remain working the same in 15+ years as they do now. sigh.
    and ms. bitch scares me. seriously. don’t worry, there are women like that here in chicago. they’re called gold coast bitches. they’re scary and mean. and wear lots of gucci. and not in a good way. shudder.

  36. Lo

    good to know that the wonderful lines of communication will remain working the same in 15+ years as they do now. sigh.
    and ms. bitch scares me. seriously. don’t worry, there are women like that here in chicago. they’re called gold coast bitches. they’re scary and mean. and wear lots of gucci. and not in a good way. shudder.

  37. Danielle

    I live in a neighborhood sorta like Money town, but on a much smaller scale. we are the youngest couple in the neighborhood. we are the only ones with a child….the rest of the homeowners are empty-nesters & THIS IS THEIR SECOND HOME. It amazes me. It also repulses me a bit. I live about a mile from a town that is full of plastic surgery, fake boobs (pretty & repulsive), & TONS of money. I feel like they live in excess, while there are struggling working-poor a handful of miles away.
    Also? great to know that the lines of communication CONTINUE TO DETERIORATE! gah. i am NOT looking forward to that!!

  38. Danielle

    I live in a neighborhood sorta like Money town, but on a much smaller scale. we are the youngest couple in the neighborhood. we are the only ones with a child….the rest of the homeowners are empty-nesters & THIS IS THEIR SECOND HOME. It amazes me. It also repulses me a bit. I live about a mile from a town that is full of plastic surgery, fake boobs (pretty & repulsive), & TONS of money. I feel like they live in excess, while there are struggling working-poor a handful of miles away.
    Also? great to know that the lines of communication CONTINUE TO DETERIORATE! gah. i am NOT looking forward to that!!

  39. Danielle

    I live in a neighborhood sorta like Money town, but on a much smaller scale. we are the youngest couple in the neighborhood. we are the only ones with a child….the rest of the homeowners are empty-nesters & THIS IS THEIR SECOND HOME. It amazes me. It also repulses me a bit. I live about a mile from a town that is full of plastic surgery, fake boobs (pretty & repulsive), & TONS of money. I feel like they live in excess, while there are struggling working-poor a handful of miles away.
    Also? great to know that the lines of communication CONTINUE TO DETERIORATE! gah. i am NOT looking forward to that!!

  40. BeautifulWreck

    The only way I could handle being at the ball park these days would have to be under the influence of drugs.
    Funny stuff about Money Town… Every place has a Money Town of its own, ours is called “The Hill”.

  41. BeautifulWreck

    The only way I could handle being at the ball park these days would have to be under the influence of drugs.
    Funny stuff about Money Town… Every place has a Money Town of its own, ours is called “The Hill”.

  42. BeautifulWreck

    The only way I could handle being at the ball park these days would have to be under the influence of drugs.
    Funny stuff about Money Town… Every place has a Money Town of its own, ours is called “The Hill”.

  43. Sandi

    Is Money town CDC? Please say yes, I don’t it want it to be mine town.

  44. Sandi

    Is Money town CDC? Please say yes, I don’t it want it to be mine town.

  45. Sandi

    Is Money town CDC? Please say yes, I don’t it want it to be mine town.

  46. Twenty Four At Heart

    Sandi – You live in Ladera. Ladera is just typical OC. It isn’t CLOSE (in attitude/wealth/ridiculousness) to Money Town.

  47. Twenty Four At Heart

    Sandi – You live in Ladera. Ladera is just typical OC. It isn’t CLOSE (in attitude/wealth/ridiculousness) to Money Town.

  48. Twenty Four At Heart

    Sandi – You live in Ladera. Ladera is just typical OC. It isn’t CLOSE (in attitude/wealth/ridiculousness) to Money Town.

  49. Tricia

    I’m picturing you on the bleachers and hoping even if it perhaps is embarrassing in retrospect, hopefully you had lots of fun.

  50. Tricia

    I’m picturing you on the bleachers and hoping even if it perhaps is embarrassing in retrospect, hopefully you had lots of fun.

  51. Tricia

    I’m picturing you on the bleachers and hoping even if it perhaps is embarrassing in retrospect, hopefully you had lots of fun.

  52. jennster

    there are so many reasons why i love you.. this post is just one of them. i laughed SO LOUD at this part: “The woman smiled at me. I stared at her in my drugged stupor.”
    LMFAO.. omg.. i can just imagine it.

  53. jennster

    there are so many reasons why i love you.. this post is just one of them. i laughed SO LOUD at this part: “The woman smiled at me. I stared at her in my drugged stupor.”
    LMFAO.. omg.. i can just imagine it.

  54. jennster

    there are so many reasons why i love you.. this post is just one of them. i laughed SO LOUD at this part: “The woman smiled at me. I stared at her in my drugged stupor.”
    LMFAO.. omg.. i can just imagine it.

  55. Kelly

    Briefcase did this because in his mind when my doctor says I should do nothing but rest it somehow translates into my wife would love to entertain 20+ unexpected guests tonight when she’s in a lot of pain.
    We are all doomed by our men! 🙂 This post was so funny in so many ways!

  56. Kelly

    Briefcase did this because in his mind when my doctor says I should do nothing but rest it somehow translates into my wife would love to entertain 20+ unexpected guests tonight when she’s in a lot of pain.
    We are all doomed by our men! 🙂 This post was so funny in so many ways!

  57. Kelly

    Briefcase did this because in his mind when my doctor says I should do nothing but rest it somehow translates into my wife would love to entertain 20+ unexpected guests tonight when she’s in a lot of pain.
    We are all doomed by our men! 🙂 This post was so funny in so many ways!

  58. Julie @ Angry Julie Monday

    DAMN!!! I think you need to get drugged up more often. Maybe I need some of those drugs too. We can have an Angry Woman comedy show. I would have loved to be in those bleachers with you..

  59. Julie @ Angry Julie Monday

    DAMN!!! I think you need to get drugged up more often. Maybe I need some of those drugs too. We can have an Angry Woman comedy show. I would have loved to be in those bleachers with you..

  60. Julie @ Angry Julie Monday

    DAMN!!! I think you need to get drugged up more often. Maybe I need some of those drugs too. We can have an Angry Woman comedy show. I would have loved to be in those bleachers with you..

  61. Anonymous in Money Town

    I live in Money Town and you make me LMAO!! And YES that intersection by the sports park is dangerous. I think of you everytime I go thru it. I can picture Big Tits. She could be any one of my neighbors. I know you have friends in MT. I know you entertain many of us Money Towners with your writing. I just wanted you to know we LOVE YOU 24! (Except maybe some MT’s – um – don’t … but who cares about THEM?)

  62. Anonymous in Money Town

    I live in Money Town and you make me LMAO!! And YES that intersection by the sports park is dangerous. I think of you everytime I go thru it. I can picture Big Tits. She could be any one of my neighbors. I know you have friends in MT. I know you entertain many of us Money Towners with your writing. I just wanted you to know we LOVE YOU 24! (Except maybe some MT’s – um – don’t … but who cares about THEM?)

  63. Anonymous in Money Town

    I live in Money Town and you make me LMAO!! And YES that intersection by the sports park is dangerous. I think of you everytime I go thru it. I can picture Big Tits. She could be any one of my neighbors. I know you have friends in MT. I know you entertain many of us Money Towners with your writing. I just wanted you to know we LOVE YOU 24! (Except maybe some MT’s – um – don’t … but who cares about THEM?)

  64. Midlife Slices

    well crap…..I mean YOUR MT fan club has spoken.
    I don’t even have pain killers as an excuse. Ugh…

  65. Midlife Slices

    well crap…..I mean YOUR MT fan club has spoken.
    I don’t even have pain killers as an excuse. Ugh…

  66. Midlife Slices

    well crap…..I mean YOUR MT fan club has spoken.
    I don’t even have pain killers as an excuse. Ugh…

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