Football and Vaginas Don’t Mix

All of you Football Moms out there?  Please don't email me complaining about this post.  I know you exist.  I guess I should have titled this post Football and My Vagina Don't Mix.

OK, now that I've covered that …

I read somewhere (I can't remember where) that men think vaginas resemble footballs, is that true?  I don't understand the concept at all, but I'm not a man.

Anyway, my youngest son graduated from middle school last Thursday and began high school football yesterday.  He's never played a minute of football before.  He's (maybe) 5'8" and 115 pounds soaking wet and with his cleats on.  In other words, he's very skinny.  He's not exactly a typical football build.

My older son played high school football too, but to be honest Briefcase handled all the details.  I was going through all my car accident surgeries at the time.  If I did handle any of the details, I've forgotten them.  My life was a drugged up haze for a few years.  I went to all of the games, of course, but I don't remember football details.

We're a baseball family.  Both of my boys have played year round baseball since they were toddlers.  I know a lot about baseball.  No, let me clarify that, I know more than most baseball-crazed men do about baseball.  In contrast, I know the basics of football.  I mean, I hope what I know is enough to be considered the basics.  

What I'm really saying is, I don't know much at all about football.

I'm at the two week post-surgery point and I'm getting out of the house now.  I'm supposed to be resting, but let's face it – I'm going stir crazy.  I've been to two movies in as many days.  I drove the football carpool yesterday.  I'm taking it easy.  I'm not moving my arms a lot and I'm not lifting anything, but I'm starting to get out a little.  That's why, yesterday, when PR told me he needed a few things for football I thought I'd take him to the store.

I wanted to get out into the real world again.

I drove to the sporting goods store.  I took my bionic nipples with me.

The shoe department at a sporting goods store is an amazing place.  Do you know there are bazillions of cleats for sale?  I saw some very pretty ones and immediately grabbed them to show to the salesman.  He informed me they were for soccer, not football.  PR also informed me he did not want "pretty" cleats.

Oh.

After that I sat back and let the salesman and PR talk things over.  My eyes glazed over listening to them so I began wandering around.  I won't bore you with the details of high top cleats and low top cleats and screw in thingies on the bottom of cleats vs. molded-on thingies.  (And I use the term "thingies" because I don't know what the proper term is for those thingies on the bottom of cleats.)

By the time they were done, I think I probably bought the most expensive pair of football cleats in Orange County.  I didn't even care, I just wanted to be done with them.  I'm sure the new cleats will insure PR runs very fast, or catches the ball at some big important moment, or smashes someone, or does whatever it is he's supposed to do.

He'll be a star, despite his size, and it will be entirely because of those cleats I bought.

Next, I wandered over to the section of the store where other football stuff is sold.  Like, um, footballs.

I'm pretty sure the high school provides footballs so I didn't buy one.

I looked at helmets, and face masks, and chin straps, and mouth pieces.  Mouth pieces?  Who would buy a piece of artificial mouth?  What is that for?  Is it a replacement in case you're injured and lose a portion of your own mouth while playing?  They were all packaged up so I couldn't get a good look at them.

The store also sold eye shields and eye decals.  

?

Why would you need a decal of an eye for football?

Does it make a player look scary to have extra eyes?

Clearly, I'm not understanding the need for some of these products.

There were shoulder pads and "protective pads."  I thought the protective pads must be for penis protection.

"Oh, like a cup!" I exclaimed.

"Nooooo," stammered the salesman.

Apparently, protective pads are for thighs, forearms, ribs, and other body parts which do not include the penis.

Oh.

What do the players use to protect their penises?

There were gloves and wristbands and something called "shivers."  I never did figure out what a shiver is.  (But I bet it's really cold!)

The store sold cleat covers.  Why would anyone want to cover their cleats?  Maybe because their cleats got the shivers?

There was also something called a wrist coach.  Hmmm.  Under what circumstances would a player need to coach his wrist?  And coach it to do what?

Have you ever heard of spatwrap?  No, I don't know what that is either.  It sounds like a wet ace bandage … you know, one that has been spat on.

I could go on and on about the plethora of crazy football products, but to be honest I don't know what any of them are or do.

I finally gave up, paid for the cleats, and came home.  I was wiped out from expending all my energy trying to figure out football products.  I think I'll ask Briefcase if he can take care of whatever PR needs next weekend.  

Clearly, it's going to be a long season.

© Twenty Four At Heart

39 Responses to “Football and Vaginas Don’t Mix”

  1. Alan

    As Mike Doughty of Soul Coughing once wrote..”Move aside and let the man go through” (Super Bon Bon).
    I think that would work well in your situation here. LOL
    Nice post! 🙂

  2. Alan

    As Mike Doughty of Soul Coughing once wrote..”Move aside and let the man go through” (Super Bon Bon).
    I think that would work well in your situation here. LOL
    Nice post! 🙂

  3. Alan

    As Mike Doughty of Soul Coughing once wrote..”Move aside and let the man go through” (Super Bon Bon).
    I think that would work well in your situation here. LOL
    Nice post! 🙂

  4. Kristan

    Aw, I dunno about the stuff, but the game is awesome, once you get to know it!

  5. Kristan

    Aw, I dunno about the stuff, but the game is awesome, once you get to know it!

  6. Kristan

    Aw, I dunno about the stuff, but the game is awesome, once you get to know it!

  7. Hallie

    Not sure what I’m about to say will help you as the MOM of a football player but it must be said!
    Who the hell cares what all that equipment is for…the beauty of the game begins and ends with those ass enhancing pants.
    Good lord…when John and I were dating in high school and he had those on?
    NOTHING could keep my hands off of him.
    And yes, he wore them a lot!!
    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/ – come check out all the raffle prizes I have so far!!

  8. Hallie

    Not sure what I’m about to say will help you as the MOM of a football player but it must be said!
    Who the hell cares what all that equipment is for…the beauty of the game begins and ends with those ass enhancing pants.
    Good lord…when John and I were dating in high school and he had those on?
    NOTHING could keep my hands off of him.
    And yes, he wore them a lot!!
    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/ – come check out all the raffle prizes I have so far!!

  9. Hallie

    Not sure what I’m about to say will help you as the MOM of a football player but it must be said!
    Who the hell cares what all that equipment is for…the beauty of the game begins and ends with those ass enhancing pants.
    Good lord…when John and I were dating in high school and he had those on?
    NOTHING could keep my hands off of him.
    And yes, he wore them a lot!!
    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/ – come check out all the raffle prizes I have so far!!

  10. Jan

    Oldest Son abhors sports – he’s a “hardcore gamer” and doesn’t even like sports video games – so I was spared all of that with him. The Young One took several years of tae kwon do before losing interest (he has a brown belt and can dislocate your shoulder), goes to a golf camp every summer and has now decided that he wants to take fencing lessons.
    I will be the only mother in the ninth grade pricing jeans, sneakers, book bags and swords in August.

  11. Jan

    Oldest Son abhors sports – he’s a “hardcore gamer” and doesn’t even like sports video games – so I was spared all of that with him. The Young One took several years of tae kwon do before losing interest (he has a brown belt and can dislocate your shoulder), goes to a golf camp every summer and has now decided that he wants to take fencing lessons.
    I will be the only mother in the ninth grade pricing jeans, sneakers, book bags and swords in August.

  12. Jan

    Oldest Son abhors sports – he’s a “hardcore gamer” and doesn’t even like sports video games – so I was spared all of that with him. The Young One took several years of tae kwon do before losing interest (he has a brown belt and can dislocate your shoulder), goes to a golf camp every summer and has now decided that he wants to take fencing lessons.
    I will be the only mother in the ninth grade pricing jeans, sneakers, book bags and swords in August.

  13. Kelly

    SPAT wrap? Obviously a man named that stuff. I’m still wondering what the players do about their penises?

  14. Kelly

    SPAT wrap? Obviously a man named that stuff. I’m still wondering what the players do about their penises?

  15. Kelly

    SPAT wrap? Obviously a man named that stuff. I’m still wondering what the players do about their penises?

  16. Mike

    Definitely hand this project over to Briefcase. Good God, 24!

  17. Mike

    Definitely hand this project over to Briefcase. Good God, 24!

  18. Mike

    Definitely hand this project over to Briefcase. Good God, 24!

  19. Beautiful Wreck

    You lost me after the cleats. Good lord – what do they need all that stuff for? I am clueless when it comes to football.

  20. Beautiful Wreck

    You lost me after the cleats. Good lord – what do they need all that stuff for? I am clueless when it comes to football.

  21. Beautiful Wreck

    You lost me after the cleats. Good lord – what do they need all that stuff for? I am clueless when it comes to football.

  22. di

    This post reminds me of the first year my son played football he was in 8th grade and weighed in at a whopping 65 lbs. No clue what half the stuff the kids needed. I do know all the kids where we live were required to wear their cups to practices and games no exceptions. The rib protectors and neck protectors are good if you son is small or skinny keeps them from getting a broken rib. I finally figured out that the cleats with the screw in things are better than the molded ones they grab more in wet grass or mud…..and since it rains or snows during football season here it was the better way to go

  23. di

    This post reminds me of the first year my son played football he was in 8th grade and weighed in at a whopping 65 lbs. No clue what half the stuff the kids needed. I do know all the kids where we live were required to wear their cups to practices and games no exceptions. The rib protectors and neck protectors are good if you son is small or skinny keeps them from getting a broken rib. I finally figured out that the cleats with the screw in things are better than the molded ones they grab more in wet grass or mud…..and since it rains or snows during football season here it was the better way to go

  24. di

    This post reminds me of the first year my son played football he was in 8th grade and weighed in at a whopping 65 lbs. No clue what half the stuff the kids needed. I do know all the kids where we live were required to wear their cups to practices and games no exceptions. The rib protectors and neck protectors are good if you son is small or skinny keeps them from getting a broken rib. I finally figured out that the cleats with the screw in things are better than the molded ones they grab more in wet grass or mud…..and since it rains or snows during football season here it was the better way to go

  25. dogmother

    Plain and simple, I do not like football, never have, never will. My husband is a hardcore Ohio State (no wait, THE Ohio State University) Buckeyes fan.
    I try. I always walk away feeling like, what WAS all that about? And you know those post-game interviews they hold with some of the players…what language are they speaking?

  26. dogmother

    Plain and simple, I do not like football, never have, never will. My husband is a hardcore Ohio State (no wait, THE Ohio State University) Buckeyes fan.
    I try. I always walk away feeling like, what WAS all that about? And you know those post-game interviews they hold with some of the players…what language are they speaking?

  27. dogmother

    Plain and simple, I do not like football, never have, never will. My husband is a hardcore Ohio State (no wait, THE Ohio State University) Buckeyes fan.
    I try. I always walk away feeling like, what WAS all that about? And you know those post-game interviews they hold with some of the players…what language are they speaking?

  28. tracey

    This post? SCARED ME. My boys are into soccer. I like soccer. In soccer you have shoes and shin guards. Black shorts are needed and some of Dad’s old black socks (they fall down, but work ok). I have been lamenting to my boys how hard it must be for those who play football to practice in this heat. How much that must suck..
    They have both agreed, with wide eyes, that football is not for them.
    heh heh heh…

  29. tracey

    This post? SCARED ME. My boys are into soccer. I like soccer. In soccer you have shoes and shin guards. Black shorts are needed and some of Dad’s old black socks (they fall down, but work ok). I have been lamenting to my boys how hard it must be for those who play football to practice in this heat. How much that must suck..
    They have both agreed, with wide eyes, that football is not for them.
    heh heh heh…

  30. tracey

    This post? SCARED ME. My boys are into soccer. I like soccer. In soccer you have shoes and shin guards. Black shorts are needed and some of Dad’s old black socks (they fall down, but work ok). I have been lamenting to my boys how hard it must be for those who play football to practice in this heat. How much that must suck..
    They have both agreed, with wide eyes, that football is not for them.
    heh heh heh…

  31. sometimessophia

    Ugh. Football. I don’t miss those days. Take me out to the ball game anytime! Maybe, with a little research, you could put together an equipment cheat sheet for clueless moms needing football gear.
    Spatwrap? You sure it isn’t a marital aid?

  32. sometimessophia

    Ugh. Football. I don’t miss those days. Take me out to the ball game anytime! Maybe, with a little research, you could put together an equipment cheat sheet for clueless moms needing football gear.
    Spatwrap? You sure it isn’t a marital aid?

  33. sometimessophia

    Ugh. Football. I don’t miss those days. Take me out to the ball game anytime! Maybe, with a little research, you could put together an equipment cheat sheet for clueless moms needing football gear.
    Spatwrap? You sure it isn’t a marital aid?

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