My Hole Gave Birth to a Monster

This is a really gross, offensive, post today.  If you have a weak stomach, come back tomorrow.  I don't usually write about really disgusting things, but I'm rushing off to a lengthy pre-op appointment today and have very little time for writing.  Also?  Quite honestly, I'm so repelled by this story, I have to share.

Your welcome. 

Last March I went to Santa Barbara for a weekend and I came back with a new piercing in the upper cartilage of my ear.  I blogged about it at the time.  I even shared this picture with you:

IMG_0282

Very pretty, yes?

I've never had cartilage pierced before and the directions for after-care were quite specific.  Disinfect the piercing twice daily.  Under no circumstances is the earring to be removed prior to the 12 week point.

I've been absolutely religious about putting the alcohol formula they gave me on the new piercing twice a day to ward off infection.  What no one told me prior to the piercing is, a cartilage piercing hurts for quite awhile.  Not the piercing itself, but if you bump it while brushing your hair, or if someone (ahem!) at PT is massaging your neck and whacks you in the ear … you just might yelp.

(Not to complain about neck massages, because, um … yeah.)

I did have to remove the earring twice though.  Both times hair had gotten wound around the back of the earring post and hopelessly tangled on it.  I removed the earring for a mere matter of minutes, cleaned it, and put it right back in.

I shower every day, did I mention that?  And I wash my hair daily too.

I tell you all this so you will realize, and understand, I have good hygiene.  Because … because, something horrifying, nauseating, and vile happened this week.

(I've always been good with descriptive words.  Did you appreciate that last paragraph?)

(I also crack myself up.  Like right now … I'm thinking I'm funny.  I bet that's annoying.)

(And once in awhile?  I over utilize parentheses.  Have you ever noticed that?)

My cartilage piercing started hurting.  At first it was mildly annoying.  I thought, perhaps, the hole was getting infected in spite of my rigorous routine with the alcohol solution.  I started using the solution three times a day instead of two.  My ear hurt more.  

The next day the pain increased.  And then, the day after, it increased even more.  Thoughts of having to remove the earring forever began repeating themselves in my head.  Finally, the pain became so intense I knew I had to give up the piercing.

I went to our master bathroom where I have one of those big magnifying mirrors.  I used it to help me find the earring backing on my very inflamed ear.  I removed the earring and … and …

My piercing hole gave birth before my very eyes to an abomination.  It literally pushed out a .. thing .. a glob … a monstrosity that looked something (but not exactly) like this:

Plugoearwax

Mind you, this did not come out of my ear hole, it came out of the cartilage piercing site.  It was colossal, it was humongous, it was repugnant.

I named it Baby Jane.

I don't know if I've ever been so grossed out by my own body.

I was horrified.

I promptly washed my ear with more of the alcohol solution.  I inspected the piercing site and it looked perfectly fine.  I washed the earring itself with more of the cleaning solution and replaced the earring right back into my ear.

The pain was instantly gone.  My ear is fine.

My hole had just been in labor.  My piercing was having contractions apparently, and I didn't even know it could do that.

In some weird way it reminded me of the day our bird, Einstein, laid eggs.  We thought Einstein was a male bird for several years.  One day he started acting up and became downright mean.  The next day he laid eggs.  After the eggs were laid he/she became a reasonable and nice bird again.  We had to rethink everything we thought we knew about Einstein.

Once my hole gave birth to Baby Jane, everything was fine again.

(See, the bird and my cartilage piercing are practically the same thing.)

Except … except, I've had a hard time sleeping every since all this happened.  My nights are haunted by terrible images of Baby Jane emerging from my body.

© Twenty Four At Heart

51 Responses to “My Hole Gave Birth to a Monster”

  1. Deidre

    Yeah, that’s disgusting. But strangely fascinating! I’m allergic to nickel – which is in pretty much all alloys of silver – and I’m also allergic to gold, but i didn’t know that when i first got my ears pierced and the holes were constantly infected and oozing nasty. Much like baby jane.

  2. Deidre

    Yeah, that’s disgusting. But strangely fascinating! I’m allergic to nickel – which is in pretty much all alloys of silver – and I’m also allergic to gold, but i didn’t know that when i first got my ears pierced and the holes were constantly infected and oozing nasty. Much like baby jane.

  3. Deidre

    Yeah, that’s disgusting. But strangely fascinating! I’m allergic to nickel – which is in pretty much all alloys of silver – and I’m also allergic to gold, but i didn’t know that when i first got my ears pierced and the holes were constantly infected and oozing nasty. Much like baby jane.

  4. Hallie

    Just as long as you don’t EAT Baby Jane like you could eat Einstein’s eggs. BIG DIFFERENCE!!
    Btw, get over and read my blog today. I am TOTALLY relying on you to come up with something. Why? You just strike me as the type of person who could come up with something.
    But no pressure. (well, yes pressure!!)
    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

  5. Hallie

    Just as long as you don’t EAT Baby Jane like you could eat Einstein’s eggs. BIG DIFFERENCE!!
    Btw, get over and read my blog today. I am TOTALLY relying on you to come up with something. Why? You just strike me as the type of person who could come up with something.
    But no pressure. (well, yes pressure!!)
    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

  6. Hallie

    Just as long as you don’t EAT Baby Jane like you could eat Einstein’s eggs. BIG DIFFERENCE!!
    Btw, get over and read my blog today. I am TOTALLY relying on you to come up with something. Why? You just strike me as the type of person who could come up with something.
    But no pressure. (well, yes pressure!!)
    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

  7. Kelly

    OK this is really gross. But its funny you wrote about it and I can picture the torturer bumpin your ear and you yelping and it makes me laugh. The thinking you’re funny and ( ) cracked my shit up.

  8. Kelly

    OK this is really gross. But its funny you wrote about it and I can picture the torturer bumpin your ear and you yelping and it makes me laugh. The thinking you’re funny and ( ) cracked my shit up.

  9. Kelly

    OK this is really gross. But its funny you wrote about it and I can picture the torturer bumpin your ear and you yelping and it makes me laugh. The thinking you’re funny and ( ) cracked my shit up.

  10. Jan

    While the rest of my body is normal (yeah, yeah – okay, *normal* is a subjective term, especially when used in conjunction with “my body”), my ears are hyper-sensitive to nickle and just about any other alloy that is used in precious metals. I cannot even tolerate supposedly “hypoallergenic” earrings. So while my ears have never given birth to a Baby Jane, I’ve had some noxious stuff come out of the piercings I tried for many years to keep open (yes, I eventually gave up).
    Can I also request that you post something similar to this every day? Because, sheeee-yit, my appetite just DISAPPEARED.

  11. Jan

    While the rest of my body is normal (yeah, yeah – okay, *normal* is a subjective term, especially when used in conjunction with “my body”), my ears are hyper-sensitive to nickle and just about any other alloy that is used in precious metals. I cannot even tolerate supposedly “hypoallergenic” earrings. So while my ears have never given birth to a Baby Jane, I’ve had some noxious stuff come out of the piercings I tried for many years to keep open (yes, I eventually gave up).
    Can I also request that you post something similar to this every day? Because, sheeee-yit, my appetite just DISAPPEARED.

  12. Jan

    While the rest of my body is normal (yeah, yeah – okay, *normal* is a subjective term, especially when used in conjunction with “my body”), my ears are hyper-sensitive to nickle and just about any other alloy that is used in precious metals. I cannot even tolerate supposedly “hypoallergenic” earrings. So while my ears have never given birth to a Baby Jane, I’ve had some noxious stuff come out of the piercings I tried for many years to keep open (yes, I eventually gave up).
    Can I also request that you post something similar to this every day? Because, sheeee-yit, my appetite just DISAPPEARED.

  13. Fragrant Liar

    Okay, gross — and I MEAN gross — as it is, this was your funniest post ever. Is that because I find gross things funny? I’m beginning to take a hard look at myself now. Thanks. A. Lot. 24. I hate taking a look at myself. Almost as much as I hated looking at Baby Jane! But not quite.

  14. Fragrant Liar

    Okay, gross — and I MEAN gross — as it is, this was your funniest post ever. Is that because I find gross things funny? I’m beginning to take a hard look at myself now. Thanks. A. Lot. 24. I hate taking a look at myself. Almost as much as I hated looking at Baby Jane! But not quite.

  15. Fragrant Liar

    Okay, gross — and I MEAN gross — as it is, this was your funniest post ever. Is that because I find gross things funny? I’m beginning to take a hard look at myself now. Thanks. A. Lot. 24. I hate taking a look at myself. Almost as much as I hated looking at Baby Jane! But not quite.

  16. The Queen of Chaos

    Congratulations! It’s a .. it’s a … blob???
    Gross but fascinating at the same time. Glad y’all are recovering well now.

  17. The Queen of Chaos

    Congratulations! It’s a .. it’s a … blob???
    Gross but fascinating at the same time. Glad y’all are recovering well now.

  18. The Queen of Chaos

    Congratulations! It’s a .. it’s a … blob???
    Gross but fascinating at the same time. Glad y’all are recovering well now.

  19. jen

    I’ve had cartiledge piercings in both ears, multiple times,and it never healed right. My favorite is the one that got caught on a sweater I was taking off and RIPPED OUT. Still have a piece of metal stuck in my right ear 12 years later!

  20. jen

    I’ve had cartiledge piercings in both ears, multiple times,and it never healed right. My favorite is the one that got caught on a sweater I was taking off and RIPPED OUT. Still have a piece of metal stuck in my right ear 12 years later!

  21. jen

    I’ve had cartiledge piercings in both ears, multiple times,and it never healed right. My favorite is the one that got caught on a sweater I was taking off and RIPPED OUT. Still have a piece of metal stuck in my right ear 12 years later!

  22. gina

    haha i think its totally normal for gross stuff to come out of peircings sometimes, im am equally fascinated when it happens to me 🙂

  23. gina

    haha i think its totally normal for gross stuff to come out of peircings sometimes, im am equally fascinated when it happens to me 🙂

  24. gina

    haha i think its totally normal for gross stuff to come out of peircings sometimes, im am equally fascinated when it happens to me 🙂

  25. Linda

    GaRooSS!!!! OMG!I’m with Jan. Totally lost my appetite! BTW: Thank you:)

  26. Linda

    GaRooSS!!!! OMG!I’m with Jan. Totally lost my appetite! BTW: Thank you:)

  27. Linda

    GaRooSS!!!! OMG!I’m with Jan. Totally lost my appetite! BTW: Thank you:)

  28. Joan

    It’s just dead skin cells– it happens sometimes (at least it does to me) and as the English say, “better out than in”!

  29. Joan

    It’s just dead skin cells– it happens sometimes (at least it does to me) and as the English say, “better out than in”!

  30. Joan

    It’s just dead skin cells– it happens sometimes (at least it does to me) and as the English say, “better out than in”!

  31. Zandor

    Gross. & Your bird has the same name as my cat. Yay for animals named Einstein!

  32. Zandor

    Gross. & Your bird has the same name as my cat. Yay for animals named Einstein!

  33. Zandor

    Gross. & Your bird has the same name as my cat. Yay for animals named Einstein!

  34. Lo

    yeah, cartilidge piercings are fickle creatures. i had a barbell thru mine a few years back and had to give it up bc alas, it developed a goiter-type thing. i forget the name of it now, but it’s pretty common. that’s basically when the cartilidge is wounded and tries to heal itself and ends up building a little sensitive bump near the piercing… you caught your ear just in time, and gave birth to the crap that would’ve eventually turned super hard. lucky you! congrats on baby jane. ha. hahahaha.
    and? avoid any more cartilidge piercings k? the body no likey.

  35. Lo

    yeah, cartilidge piercings are fickle creatures. i had a barbell thru mine a few years back and had to give it up bc alas, it developed a goiter-type thing. i forget the name of it now, but it’s pretty common. that’s basically when the cartilidge is wounded and tries to heal itself and ends up building a little sensitive bump near the piercing… you caught your ear just in time, and gave birth to the crap that would’ve eventually turned super hard. lucky you! congrats on baby jane. ha. hahahaha.
    and? avoid any more cartilidge piercings k? the body no likey.

  36. Lo

    yeah, cartilidge piercings are fickle creatures. i had a barbell thru mine a few years back and had to give it up bc alas, it developed a goiter-type thing. i forget the name of it now, but it’s pretty common. that’s basically when the cartilidge is wounded and tries to heal itself and ends up building a little sensitive bump near the piercing… you caught your ear just in time, and gave birth to the crap that would’ve eventually turned super hard. lucky you! congrats on baby jane. ha. hahahaha.
    and? avoid any more cartilidge piercings k? the body no likey.

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