If you are a family member, or know me even remotely in person, this is a post you should NOT READ. I'm writing intimate details about my lady bits today.
If you don't like explicit posts, come back tomorrow. If you want to gloat over my "sex writing" then stay.
I know many of you are enjoying cool fall weather. I'm not. It's hot as hell here and likely will be for a few months to come. As a result, I swim a lot. Swimming a lot means being in a bathing suit a lot. Being in a bathing suit a lot means I like to keep my cooter well groomed.
I usually go to a waxing salon once a month for a "French bikini wax." A French bikini wax is when they wax any hair outside of your panty line. In addition, they wax the top part of the V so your hairline begins lower. The esthetician waxes the top of the V so you can wear a low bikini if you want to and not have any stragglers hanging out.
Have the men all departed yet?
I'm a natural blonde.
(See, I warned you … TMI – right?)
Most blondes have way less body hair than non-blonde people. I'm sharing this info because I've received a zillion emails with questions about bikini waxing and I want you to realize my experience may very well be different than yours. I also have very fair, extremely sensitive, skin. I've tried shaving and I get a terrible, irritated, rash. Shaving my twat is not an option for me.
Less hair = a positive for waxing.
Sensitive skin = a negative.
All of this leads up to my appointment yesterday morning for my first-ever Brazilian Bikini Wax.
What is a Brazilian?
Just to confuse us all, different salons have different definitions. Some salons consider a Brazilian Wax one where every single hair is removed front to back except for a small, trimmed, "landing strip" in front. Most salons here in Orange County, however, consider a Brazilian Wax one where every single cooter hair is removed leaving the recipient completely bald down there.
I went bald.
Front to back baldness!
I also decided to Tweet the experience live.
My waxing esthetician didn't mind. She thought it was hilarious.
An hour before my wax I tweeted:
Getting my first Brazilian Bikini Wax this morning. Maybe I should have a couple cocktails before I go?
People began tweeting me with brazilian bikini waxing tips. For instance, one person told me to take a couple Advil an hour beforehand to avoid pain and inflammation. I immediately popped two. Another person told me about No Scream Cream
which helps with the pain if you use it prior to waxing. (I didn't have enough time to go buy it.)
A man asked me about Penis Waxing for men. Yes, a lot of men do get their privates waxed these days too. My esthetician tells me they often walk in with a chub but after that first cloth strip goes riiiiiiiiiiip they are flaccid as can be for the remainder of the waxing.
Some of you corresponded with me regarding laser hair removal also. I've not tried it, but I've heard mixed reviews. Laser is supposed to be more painful, take up to 6 visits, and I've heard many women do experience some regrowth after a one year period. Regrowth means a return to waxing. (Maybe some of you can share your laser hair removal experiences with me in the comment section?)
I took a shower, of course, before going in. After all, my poor esthetician was going to be up close and personal with me. Then it occured to me … what if I stayed a little damp down there from my shower? Would the wax not work?
I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I blow dried my muff. Yes, I really did. Just a tip, if you ever blow dry your snatch you don't want the temperature setting of the blow dryer on hot. Just sayin' ….
It wasn't long until I sent out the following tweet from the salon:
A minute later, I was on my back on a table waiting for the esthetician with only a small hand towel covering my most delicate parts.
Scared! Waiting …
At this point, my blackberry began flashing frantically at me. It seemed like all of twitter had joined in on my Brazilian Bikini Wax. The messages were coming at me faster than I could possibly reply to them.
The esthetician entered the room. She began waxing my cooch as I lay flat on my back with one leg "frogged" out to the side.
(Exactly how many slang names for IT are there?)
On the third riiiiiiiiip I tweeted:
This was quickly followed by another tweet where I wrote:
This is a little embarrASSing!
By this time, my other leg was also frogged out. I was still flat on my back. My esthetician was making me laugh between my gasps of pain. She got a generous tip for that alone.
A few minutes later I tweeted:
The wax is burning my cooter!
Also? You, and people like you, on Twitter were hilarious. Here are just a few of the comments sent to me while I was undergoing my Brazilian:
@TwentyFour: Things just clenched on me.
@ TwentyFour: bow chicka bow wow!
@ TwentyFour: may the force be with you
@ TwentyFour: You're cracking me up. Live! First time Brazilian Wax Tweets! Totally better than labor.
@ TwentyFour: that does it … never getting a Brazilian
@ TwentyFour: omg! ha ha ha!
@ TwentyFour: imagine it without the ibuprofen
@ TwentyFour: My hoo-ha is having sympathy pains
@ TwentyFour: Like childbirth, it's worth the pain
@ TwentyFour: *shakes head while trying to continue working* (from a man)
@ TwentyFour: I seriously love that you have the balls to tweet this!
@ TwentyFour: Your live tweeting your bikini wax? You're all kinds of awesome, that's what you are.
@ TwentyFour: ::raises a glass::
@TwentyFour: they are so awful! Get a bag of frozen peas to sit on.
@TwentyFour: newborn baby bald? Ouch!
@ TwentyFour: no way could I do that!
@ TwentyFour: the woman who did mine said "the first is the worst." Thank gawd, huh?
@ TwentyFour: WHAT THE F&%K ARE YOU DOING? Run! Run!
@ TwentyFour: will you be able to walk?
@ TwentyFour: is it true you have to get on all fours?
<no it isn't. I was on my back the entire time. First, with just one leg frogged out and then with both legs in a frog position. At the very end I grabbed each knee, spread my legs, and lifted them up as if I was going to push a baby out. I never left the table or got off my back!>
@ TwentyFour: would you do it again?
<Yes, I plan to. I love the results. Sexaaay!>
@ TwentyFour: I need a detailed play by play
@ TwentyFour: please tell me you'll write a blog post on this
@ TwentyFour: mental image is too hot to be at work (from a man)
Some of you asked, what is the cost and how long does it last? Cost varies greatly by salon. My technician (at a waxing-only OC salon) charges $60 for the first Brazilian and then $50 each time after provided you return every four weeks. The first Brazilian is supposed to be the most painful. In time your skin gets used to it and also your hair regrowth slows down. I have a friend, however, who lives an hour and a half away and has a salon she loves that only charges $25.
I sent out two more tweets about my experience.
The first said:
I am completely bald front to back!
About forty minutes later I wrote:
Well, that wasn't so bad. Heh …
Then I went home and sat on a block of ice for a few hours.
© Twenty Four At Heart