Spanderella

You've heard of Cinderella, right?  Well, today I'm going to tell you a story about a woman I've nicknamed Spanderella.

Spanderella only wears spandex.  Spanderella is probably not that different than many other OC women.  Spanderella lives in Money Town.  Her husband is very wealthy.  Spanderella is in her late forties and her appearance is probably the most important thing in her life.  She spends all day, every day, consumed with nothing but herself.

In order to protect my ass her identity, I can't publish a photo of Spanderella.  Instead I hopped on the trusty Internet so I could give you a general idea of what Spanderella would be wearing if you were to meet her on any given day.  Yes, if you ran into her in the grocery store, running errands, or picking up her kids from school you would see a woman who is rarely dressed much differently than this:

IStock_000005736321Small

Spanderella, however, isn't nearly this young or attractive.  A once pretty face is now hardened by too much sun, too many margaritas, some very deep wrinkles, and constant worry over her looks.

Spanderella is extremely narcissistic.

I know, it's shocking to find a narcissistic woman in Orange County, but!

I've seen Spanderella around the community for years.  About two years ago, for a short while, she was a patient at PT.  I think she sprained her ankle or something.  She used to come into PT and attempt to be all touchy with The Torturer because she is one of those women who cannot get enough attention.  She needs constant affirmation that she is attractive.

Yes, she did wear her spandex to PT … every single time she was there.

No, I, myself, don't wear spandex to PT.  I don't wear spandex at all.  You should thank me for that, by the way.  I wear my regular every day clothes to PT.  Why would anyone wear THAT to physical therapy?  (Or to the grocery store, or ….)

Doesn't it just scream, "Notice me!  Notice me!  I'm getting older and I'm very insecure!"?

Last week my PT schedule got changed around a little.  I went in for an appointment on a day when The Torturer normally doesn't see patients.  It was his administrative/paperwork day.  At The Torturer's request my appointment was during lunchtime.  (I take longer than most patients because I'm all fucked up a pain in the ass.  Coming in during lunch allows him to work with me longer.)  I was the only patient there.

Guess who stopped in "just to say hi" to The Torturer?

And yes, she was dressed exactly like the picture above.

How many of my female readers would stop into a business office dressed like that to say hello to the owner?

After she said hi to The Torturer, she asked if he was free for lunch.  He pointed to me, as if to say, "I'd love to join you, but I've got my most annoying, and time consuming, patient here."  

She glanced over, seeing me for the first time.  She seemed shocked to find someone else in the room.  There was a slight hesitation as she registered my presence.  

I said hello, because I've been introduced to Spanderella at least twice over the last five years.  She returned my hello.

And then …

Because I couldn't resist, and because I can be a bitch …

I gave her a big smile and asked her how her husband has been.

It was amazing how quickly she left.  

© Twenty Four At Heart

51 Responses to “Spanderella”

  1. stoneskin

    Sounds just like some of the “yummy mummies” round where we have lived (until a few months ago). The only difference is that they would also wear stilettos and have boobs the size of Jupiter.

  2. stoneskin

    Sounds just like some of the “yummy mummies” round where we have lived (until a few months ago). The only difference is that they would also wear stilettos and have boobs the size of Jupiter.

  3. stoneskin

    Sounds just like some of the “yummy mummies” round where we have lived (until a few months ago). The only difference is that they would also wear stilettos and have boobs the size of Jupiter.

  4. Kristan

    Not gonna lie, if I looked like the girl in that pic, I might walk around in Spandex all day too… 😛
    Spanderella, on the other hand, should probably dress (and ACT!) her age.

  5. Kristan

    Not gonna lie, if I looked like the girl in that pic, I might walk around in Spandex all day too… 😛
    Spanderella, on the other hand, should probably dress (and ACT!) her age.

  6. Kristan

    Not gonna lie, if I looked like the girl in that pic, I might walk around in Spandex all day too… 😛
    Spanderella, on the other hand, should probably dress (and ACT!) her age.

  7. Linda

    Oh you Bitch! Nicely done!
    Even IF I did look like the model I would not leave the house in that. Those are under garments not clothes! IMHO.

  8. Linda

    Oh you Bitch! Nicely done!
    Even IF I did look like the model I would not leave the house in that. Those are under garments not clothes! IMHO.

  9. Linda

    Oh you Bitch! Nicely done!
    Even IF I did look like the model I would not leave the house in that. Those are under garments not clothes! IMHO.

  10. Christy

    Margaritas contribute to wrinkles? Shit! Now what the hell am I going to do?! Totally funny post–and I LOVE the new look! Congrats!

  11. Christy

    Margaritas contribute to wrinkles? Shit! Now what the hell am I going to do?! Totally funny post–and I LOVE the new look! Congrats!

  12. Christy

    Margaritas contribute to wrinkles? Shit! Now what the hell am I going to do?! Totally funny post–and I LOVE the new look! Congrats!

  13. Laura

    Only in the OC, and I love it. That just goes to show she probobly doesn’t get the attention she needs at home, although little does she know the attention & stares she gets probobly aren’t good ones.

  14. Laura

    Only in the OC, and I love it. That just goes to show she probobly doesn’t get the attention she needs at home, although little does she know the attention & stares she gets probobly aren’t good ones.

  15. Laura

    Only in the OC, and I love it. That just goes to show she probobly doesn’t get the attention she needs at home, although little does she know the attention & stares she gets probobly aren’t good ones.

  16. Alan

    I don’t know about the rest of your story but the chick in the spandex is HOT!!!

  17. Alan

    I don’t know about the rest of your story but the chick in the spandex is HOT!!!

  18. Alan

    I don’t know about the rest of your story but the chick in the spandex is HOT!!!

  19. Sarah

    I love the new look! And high five for your continuing devotion to sharing your clanking gonads with those who need their wisdom bestowed upon them, and with those who are thoroughly entertained by that bestowal.
    Or, something!

  20. Sarah

    I love the new look! And high five for your continuing devotion to sharing your clanking gonads with those who need their wisdom bestowed upon them, and with those who are thoroughly entertained by that bestowal.
    Or, something!

  21. Sarah

    I love the new look! And high five for your continuing devotion to sharing your clanking gonads with those who need their wisdom bestowed upon them, and with those who are thoroughly entertained by that bestowal.
    Or, something!

  22. chris/formerlyfun

    I live in Orange County and yes, I wear spandex. But mostly I wear it under my clothes to suck in my leftover bebe gut or smoove out my back fat. Occasionally I will wear spandex in the form of yoga pants that keep my thighs from jiggling when I do some exercise but this doesn’t happen very often as I spend most of my time blogging and watching the Real Housewives of OC 🙂 Love the post.

  23. chris/formerlyfun

    I live in Orange County and yes, I wear spandex. But mostly I wear it under my clothes to suck in my leftover bebe gut or smoove out my back fat. Occasionally I will wear spandex in the form of yoga pants that keep my thighs from jiggling when I do some exercise but this doesn’t happen very often as I spend most of my time blogging and watching the Real Housewives of OC 🙂 Love the post.

  24. chris/formerlyfun

    I live in Orange County and yes, I wear spandex. But mostly I wear it under my clothes to suck in my leftover bebe gut or smoove out my back fat. Occasionally I will wear spandex in the form of yoga pants that keep my thighs from jiggling when I do some exercise but this doesn’t happen very often as I spend most of my time blogging and watching the Real Housewives of OC 🙂 Love the post.

  25. the Mayor

    Women dress like that in public? Wow. I guess we are a bit more modest in the midwest although I’ve seen plenty of ladies with their breasts served up on a platter spilling over the top of their sundresses. They are usually breasts that they bought of course. Who’s a bitch now?

  26. the Mayor

    Women dress like that in public? Wow. I guess we are a bit more modest in the midwest although I’ve seen plenty of ladies with their breasts served up on a platter spilling over the top of their sundresses. They are usually breasts that they bought of course. Who’s a bitch now?

  27. the Mayor

    Women dress like that in public? Wow. I guess we are a bit more modest in the midwest although I’ve seen plenty of ladies with their breasts served up on a platter spilling over the top of their sundresses. They are usually breasts that they bought of course. Who’s a bitch now?

  28. Helena

    Oh, that is sooo funny! Well done, you!
    By the way, is Spanderella that woman who used to moan really loud?

  29. Helena

    Oh, that is sooo funny! Well done, you!
    By the way, is Spanderella that woman who used to moan really loud?

  30. Helena

    Oh, that is sooo funny! Well done, you!
    By the way, is Spanderella that woman who used to moan really loud?

  31. Matthew

    There’s a few younger gals in my neighborhood that are pretty much Spanderellas and I have to say I don’t find it the least bit offensive, though to be fair, I’m a just a pervy kind of guy so…

  32. Matthew

    There’s a few younger gals in my neighborhood that are pretty much Spanderellas and I have to say I don’t find it the least bit offensive, though to be fair, I’m a just a pervy kind of guy so…

  33. Matthew

    There’s a few younger gals in my neighborhood that are pretty much Spanderellas and I have to say I don’t find it the least bit offensive, though to be fair, I’m a just a pervy kind of guy so…

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