I'm such an idiot sometimes.
This might be a sort of very humiliating story.
I astound even myself sometimes.
Yesterday I went for my second-ever brazilian bikini wax. (If you haven't read about my first-ever brazilian bikini wax you can do so by clicking here.)
Prior to my appointment I drank several cups of coffee.
By the way, don't ever do that. It doesn't behoove you to drink a pot of coffee just prior to getting a brazilian bikini wax. Ever.
My waxing salon just moved to a new location. When I arrived I was greeted by Jackson.
Jackson is a 6 month old Portuguese Water Dog. (He's the same breed as the Obama dog.) This was the first time the two of us had met. Jackson was the only one in the waiting area. He belongs to the owner of the salon. He's an adorable puppy and wanted hugs and to play from the moment he saw me.
Yes, I am a total sucker for puppies.
Within a few seconds Jackson had brought me a big stuffed toy.
I tossed the toy a few feet from my chair and Jackson leaped after it in total joy. We played for a few more minutes. I thought Jackson would like it better if I threw the toy far for him. It was a big waiting area and there was no one there.
I can't throw with my bum right arm so I threw the toy with my left arm.
I shouldn't have done that. I really, really, should not have done that. I have absolutely no coordination with my left arm. The toy did not go where it was supposed to. No, instead it went somewhere else. One of the stuffed animal's legs clipped a big hurricane candle holder as it sailed through the air on it's way to somewhere else.
Broken glass everywhere!
Jackson cowered from the noise as if he'd been the imbecile who broke the (brand new) salon decor.
I scooted the puppy to safety so he wouldn't walk in the shattered glass as I yelled, "I'm SO sorry!" really loudly.
The owner of the waxing salon walked out and tried to be polite about the fact I'm a societal reject. I, of course, told her I'd pay for the broken hurricane. (And I did prior to leaving.) Nonetheless, I was humiliated and had just pissed off the woman who would be yanking out my pubic hair.
It is never a good idea to piss off the person who will be ripping out your pubes.
She told me to go get undressed while she swept up the broken glass.
At this point I was not only humiliated but also very flustered. I'm sure that makes what happened next understandable.
I went into one of the waxing rooms and removed my clothes. Did I mention the salon just relocated? Well, they have these new, tall, tables for clients to lay on. Next to the table is a stepping stool to help you get up on the table. As the owner was outside sweeping up the mess of broken glass, I attempted to climb onto the table naked from the waist down. The stepping stool slid on the new, slippery, floors. It crashed into a floor lamp. The floor lamp crashed against the window making a loud noise, but neither the lamp nor window broke. My body went flying onto the table with a huge, loud THUD.
"What happened?" she called from outside the door.
"Nothing's broken, I promise," I shouted back.
A minute later she joined me with a skeptical look in her eyes as she glanced around the now dissheveled room.
She began the process of a brazilian bikini wax.
A few minutes later I asked, "Am I peeing on you?"
"What?" she replied aghast. She quickly removed her hand from my crotch.
At this point, I think she was seriously considering a career change.
I tried to explain. I drank a pot ton of coffee right before my appointment. The commotion of the shattered hurricane, almost breaking the floor lamp and window concurrently, and then flying through the air to fall on the table had made me need to pee. Now I felt something warm … down there and I thought maybe I had peed without realizing it.
She stared at me. She stared at my spread eagled display.
"It's just the wax you feel," she said as she questioned my sanity and my control over my bladder simultaneously.
I apologized profusely again.
She continued ripping the hair out of my lady parts.
I inquired about what Jackson might be doing all by himself out in the waiting area. She confessed she hoped he wasn't chewing up anything. In an attempt to be friendly and make amends, I asked her if perhaps Jackson would like to join us.
So you see, it all really makes sense.
That is exactly how I ended up on a table with my legs spread apart in the air, hot wax on my vagina, and a Portuguese Water Dog licking my hand.
© Twenty Four At Heart