** On Monday evening at 10pm EST/7pm Pacific time I'm being interviewed by Karl Erikson on Secondhand Radio (on Talkshoe). There will be a Live Chatroom and/or you can call in with questions or comments. If you are unable to listen to the show live, it will be available on iTunes shortly after being recorded. You can find out more about the show by going here. **
All but my newest readers know I've faced some difficult challenges over the last three and a half years. Since my car accident I've gone through six surgeries, breathtaking pain, and forfeited my "normal" life. Instead, the last several years have been spent with orthopedic surgeons and at physical therapy.
Not to make excuses, but it hasn't been the best recipe for staying in shape. I've endured thousands upon thousands of hours at PT where The Torturer moves my arm for me. Yes, I've gone for walks, or hopped on my elliptical, or swam one-armed during the summer … but I haven't been consistent with exercise. Yet another surgery, or sky-rocketing pain, has continually sidelined me.
I feel like a blob.
I have, in fact, turned into a blob.
(Not to be confused with feeling like a blog … because, a lot of time I do, indeed, feel like Twenty Four At Heart and I are one and the same.)
I've been thinking a lot about this lately for a few reasons. First of all, I've been making some exciting progress with my arm (and pain levels) recently. I know I will never have full use of my arm or be pain free … but quite honestly, I have a small measure of hope about my situation. That small measure of hope may not seem like much to you, but since the accident it is more than I've ever had.
It's liberating in a very exhilarating way.
The other day I prattled on to The Torturer about all the things I want to do.
"I need to be able to get my bike on and off a bike rack by myself," I told him.
… Silence …
"I want to buy a good camera. I miss photography. I need to be able to hold a real camera again."
… Silence …
I know he wants these things for me too. I know he's cautiously optimistic. I also know he's pleased I'm striving toward new goals.
I've never dared to make plans (!) before.
At the same time, I don't think he wants me to get my hopes up too high. He knows, only too well, what it's like to see me frustrated and in despair.
I'm pricing cameras anyway.
I keep thinking if a new shiny camera is here, I will find a way to photograph with it.
I can wear a neck strap. I can have the camera lean against my body. I can do most of the lifting with my left arm.
My mind is spinning with ideas … spinning with the desire to get my life back to some semblance of "normal." I have a strong need to feel triumphant, to tell my arm/my pain/my limitations to fuck off.
I want my life back and I want it now.
In addition, I was thinking about my recent birthday. I was wondering where I'll be and what my life will be like next year when I turn twenty four again. I want to be a lot healthier and in a lot better shape by then.
I've been staying a little longer at PT and using The Torturer's weight machines for leg workouts. I've been drinking healthy shakes chock-full of protein and vitamins. In between gags, I convince myself that the shakes have super powers to heal me and make me stronger.
The accident has taken three and a half years from me … I've decided I won't let it take one minute more.
© Twenty Four At Heart