The Torturer has been an evil slave driver lately. It started when he saw my camera.
Or maybe it started when I came into PT in amazing pain after a day of shooting pictures?
He told me I'm not "allowed" to use the camera (with this lens anyway) unless it's on a tripod.
"But I support the lens with my left arm!" I protested.
"Then why are you in so much pain?" he countered.
If you know me at all, you know having someone tell me what to do is not something I appreciate. At.All. Perhaps I have issues with authority figures, but I prefer to think of myself as being an independent stubborn ass thinker.
I've asked Santa for a tripod for Christmas and I informed The Torturer of that very thing.
"Good," he said. "Then you can use your camera again after Christmas."
Even as The Torturer uttered his decree I'm sure he knew I wouldn't might not follow his advice. And oh, how I wanted to go right out and shoot all day with that very lens just because he told me not to. But honestly? I was in too much damn pain to even consider it.
I know some of my newer readers are shaking their heads and wondering why I would consider disobeying my physical therapist. There are really two reasons. First, he is The Torturer and what sane person cooperates with the very person who tortures them?
Second, unless you've given up every damn thing in your life for three and a half years you can't possibly understand how much it means to me to get this ONE THING back.
I am fighting hard for something I love and lost because of the accident. I desperately want photography back in my life.
Now, every day at physical therapy The Torturer pushes me hard and when he's done, he pushes me even harder.
When I say, I can't to his insane slave driving techniques requests, he says, "Do you ever want to be able to lift your camera?"
And then when I fall silent he says, "I'll help you." Then he guides my arm and helps me move it because I simply can't move it one more time on my own.
Have I used my camera since he told me not to? Yes, I have, but only with a much lighter lens on it.
Am I working hard at physical therapy? Yes, yes I am. And I've got the pain levels to prove it.
The good news is, I passed a big photography test last week which will allow me to actually sell some of my photos. (Shocking, isn't it?!) The bad news is, I don't yet have enough use of my arm to shoot for any length of time. Nonetheless, passing that test was a huge victory for me.
I have so far to go still. It's been such a lengthy, painstakingly slow, path … this odyssey I'm on. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. I have to look back to realize how very far I've come.
I've come a long, long, way. I know that.
Nonetheless, it's a very lonely journey.
© Twenty Four At Heart