Fighting, And Fighting Hard

The Torturer has been an evil slave driver lately.  It started when he saw my camera.

IMG_3515

Or maybe it started when I came into PT in amazing pain after a day of shooting pictures? 

He told me I'm not "allowed" to use the camera (with this lens anyway) unless it's on a tripod.

"But I support the lens with my left arm!" I protested.

"Then why are you in so much pain?" he countered.

If you know me at all, you know having someone tell me what to do is not something I appreciate.  At.All.  Perhaps I have issues with authority figures, but I prefer to think of myself as being an independent stubborn ass thinker.

I've asked Santa for a tripod for Christmas and I informed The Torturer of that very thing.

"Good," he said.  "Then you can use your camera again after Christmas."

Even as The Torturer uttered his decree I'm sure he knew I wouldn't might not follow his advice.  And oh, how I wanted to go right out and shoot all day with that very lens just because he told me not to.  But honestly?  I was in too much damn pain to even consider it.

I know some of my newer readers are shaking their heads and wondering why I would consider disobeying my physical therapist.  There are really two reasons.  First, he is The Torturer and what sane person cooperates with the very person who tortures them?

Second, unless you've given up every damn thing in your life for three and a half years you can't possibly understand how much it means to me to get this ONE THING back.

I am fighting hard for something I love and lost because of the accident.  I desperately want photography back in my life.

Don't judge.

Now, every day at physical therapy The Torturer pushes me hard and when he's done, he pushes me even harder.  

When I say, I can't to his insane slave driving techniques requests, he says, "Do you ever want to be able to lift your camera?"  

And then when I fall silent he says, "I'll help you."  Then he guides my arm and helps me move it because I simply can't move it one more time on my own.

Have I used my camera since he told me not to?  Yes, I have, but only with a much lighter lens on it.

Am I working hard at physical therapy?  Yes, yes I am.  And I've got the pain levels to prove it.

The good news is, I passed a big photography test last week which will allow me to actually sell some of my photos.  (Shocking, isn't it?!)  The bad news is, I don't yet have enough use of my arm to shoot for any length of time.  Nonetheless, passing that test was a huge victory for me.  

An accomplishment.

I have so far to go still.  It's been such a lengthy, painstakingly slow, path … this odyssey I'm on.  Sometimes it seems overwhelming.  I have to look back to realize how very far I've come.  

I've come a long, long, way.  I know that.

Nonetheless, it's a very lonely journey.

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Β© Twenty Four At Heart

72 Responses to “Fighting, And Fighting Hard”

  1. Deidre

    Congratulations on passing the test! That’s awesome. Um, is that a big lens or are you just happy to see me?
    I am not sure I could hold that camera with that lens.

  2. Deidre

    Congratulations on passing the test! That’s awesome. Um, is that a big lens or are you just happy to see me?
    I am not sure I could hold that camera with that lens.

  3. Deidre

    Congratulations on passing the test! That’s awesome. Um, is that a big lens or are you just happy to see me?
    I am not sure I could hold that camera with that lens.

  4. Pam

    Not with all of us behind you, it’s not. Remember that.
    You really are an inspiration. I gasped when I saw the size of that lens. Your ambition and determination are amazing.

  5. Pam

    Not with all of us behind you, it’s not. Remember that.
    You really are an inspiration. I gasped when I saw the size of that lens. Your ambition and determination are amazing.

  6. Pam

    Not with all of us behind you, it’s not. Remember that.
    You really are an inspiration. I gasped when I saw the size of that lens. Your ambition and determination are amazing.

  7. muscles

    Good luck with the physio, it is one of the most frustrating things ever – Nice camera

  8. muscles

    Good luck with the physio, it is one of the most frustrating things ever – Nice camera

  9. muscles

    Good luck with the physio, it is one of the most frustrating things ever – Nice camera

  10. Maureen@IslandRoar

    You continually amaze me! Your photos are incredible, but ANYone would have trouble with that lens. A tripod is a great idea.
    I’m so glad you’re not giving up. Clearly you need your photography and you’re so good at it!

  11. Maureen@IslandRoar

    You continually amaze me! Your photos are incredible, but ANYone would have trouble with that lens. A tripod is a great idea.
    I’m so glad you’re not giving up. Clearly you need your photography and you’re so good at it!

  12. Maureen@IslandRoar

    You continually amaze me! Your photos are incredible, but ANYone would have trouble with that lens. A tripod is a great idea.
    I’m so glad you’re not giving up. Clearly you need your photography and you’re so good at it!

  13. Jan

    Good gawd, woman – that’s not a lens, it’s a telescope!
    So, spill the beans – what test?

  14. Jan

    Good gawd, woman – that’s not a lens, it’s a telescope!
    So, spill the beans – what test?

  15. Jan

    Good gawd, woman – that’s not a lens, it’s a telescope!
    So, spill the beans – what test?

  16. di

    Great shot… great camera.. great lens. Listen to da man!
    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal
    Just Vignettes

  17. di

    Great shot… great camera.. great lens. Listen to da man!
    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal
    Just Vignettes

  18. di

    Great shot… great camera.. great lens. Listen to da man!
    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal
    Just Vignettes

  19. Alan

    Yeah…that thing is HUGE! I have to agree with the Torturer to some degree. But you are taking some beautiful shots Suzanne! You have an amazing talent!

  20. Alan

    Yeah…that thing is HUGE! I have to agree with the Torturer to some degree. But you are taking some beautiful shots Suzanne! You have an amazing talent!

  21. Alan

    Yeah…that thing is HUGE! I have to agree with the Torturer to some degree. But you are taking some beautiful shots Suzanne! You have an amazing talent!

  22. Jenn in Tenn

    Good Lord that camera is intimidating! Congrats on the test, totally not surprised since I love your pics so much! Keep up the hard work, and don’t feel lonely, you’ve got us cheering you on!

  23. Jenn in Tenn

    Good Lord that camera is intimidating! Congrats on the test, totally not surprised since I love your pics so much! Keep up the hard work, and don’t feel lonely, you’ve got us cheering you on!

  24. Jenn in Tenn

    Good Lord that camera is intimidating! Congrats on the test, totally not surprised since I love your pics so much! Keep up the hard work, and don’t feel lonely, you’ve got us cheering you on!

  25. Liz Tee

    Gah! That lens scares the crap out of me! Also, I can’t let my guy see it or he’ll want one too.
    So happy for you and your recent accomplishment. You know, if you make a calendar for us I bet some folks around here might buy it… just sayin’ is all.
    πŸ™‚

  26. Liz Tee

    Gah! That lens scares the crap out of me! Also, I can’t let my guy see it or he’ll want one too.
    So happy for you and your recent accomplishment. You know, if you make a calendar for us I bet some folks around here might buy it… just sayin’ is all.
    πŸ™‚

  27. Liz Tee

    Gah! That lens scares the crap out of me! Also, I can’t let my guy see it or he’ll want one too.
    So happy for you and your recent accomplishment. You know, if you make a calendar for us I bet some folks around here might buy it… just sayin’ is all.
    πŸ™‚

  28. Kelly

    Congrats on passing the test. Not at all surprised because your pictures are always beautiful. You have the entire Internet on this journey with you and we’re not going anywhere. Every victory is one we celebrate WITH you. You CAN DO THIS!

  29. Kelly

    Congrats on passing the test. Not at all surprised because your pictures are always beautiful. You have the entire Internet on this journey with you and we’re not going anywhere. Every victory is one we celebrate WITH you. You CAN DO THIS!

  30. Kelly

    Congrats on passing the test. Not at all surprised because your pictures are always beautiful. You have the entire Internet on this journey with you and we’re not going anywhere. Every victory is one we celebrate WITH you. You CAN DO THIS!

  31. jessica

    first of all that picture is incredible. Second, I do know what u are going through. Unfortunately, I will never be able to run much at all ever again unless they invent a way to put the cartilage back into my knee.
    Listen to the guy, please. I’ve been in PT for the better part of three years. Very little now, because I finally listened.

  32. jessica

    first of all that picture is incredible. Second, I do know what u are going through. Unfortunately, I will never be able to run much at all ever again unless they invent a way to put the cartilage back into my knee.
    Listen to the guy, please. I’ve been in PT for the better part of three years. Very little now, because I finally listened.

  33. jessica

    first of all that picture is incredible. Second, I do know what u are going through. Unfortunately, I will never be able to run much at all ever again unless they invent a way to put the cartilage back into my knee.
    Listen to the guy, please. I’ve been in PT for the better part of three years. Very little now, because I finally listened.

  34. WebSavyMom

    –>That is a HUGE lens that would wear anyone out without a tripod. What kind of photography test? I’m not the only nosey one who asked so I hope you’ll do a blog post about it.

  35. WebSavyMom

    –>That is a HUGE lens that would wear anyone out without a tripod. What kind of photography test? I’m not the only nosey one who asked so I hope you’ll do a blog post about it.

  36. WebSavyMom

    –>That is a HUGE lens that would wear anyone out without a tripod. What kind of photography test? I’m not the only nosey one who asked so I hope you’ll do a blog post about it.

  37. Linda

    No judging here but DAMN GIRL! My arm would hurt after using that lens all day too! LOL! Keep up the hard work. You’re making headway!

  38. Linda

    No judging here but DAMN GIRL! My arm would hurt after using that lens all day too! LOL! Keep up the hard work. You’re making headway!

  39. Linda

    No judging here but DAMN GIRL! My arm would hurt after using that lens all day too! LOL! Keep up the hard work. You’re making headway!

  40. LPC

    Congratulations! And I can hear the waves hissing on that Southern California beach. At least I’m assuming it’s Southern California but since when has accuracy constrained imagination?

  41. LPC

    Congratulations! And I can hear the waves hissing on that Southern California beach. At least I’m assuming it’s Southern California but since when has accuracy constrained imagination?

  42. LPC

    Congratulations! And I can hear the waves hissing on that Southern California beach. At least I’m assuming it’s Southern California but since when has accuracy constrained imagination?

  43. Sandra

    OMG! When you were talking about your lens I never imagined it was that huge! You must be so proud! Bigger is better you know. And such a wide girth. Or is it gerth? Ghad these comment boxes need spell check.

  44. Sandra

    OMG! When you were talking about your lens I never imagined it was that huge! You must be so proud! Bigger is better you know. And such a wide girth. Or is it gerth? Ghad these comment boxes need spell check.

  45. Sandra

    OMG! When you were talking about your lens I never imagined it was that huge! You must be so proud! Bigger is better you know. And such a wide girth. Or is it gerth? Ghad these comment boxes need spell check.

  46. stephen

    Suzanne, you inspired me today. Like you, I used to be waaay into photography. Then a glitch in my camera, along with a busy work schedule nudged photography to the side. Well, after I read this post today which oozed with passion, I boxed up and Fed-Exed my camera in to have the “glitch” repaired. I was so inspired that despite being a procrastinator by nature, I also boxed up my Shun chef’s knife and sent it off for free sharpening. Two neglected chores in one day! As soon as I get them back, I’ll send you a pic of one of my fingers bleeding from my once again razor sharp Shun. πŸ™‚ steve

  47. stephen

    Suzanne, you inspired me today. Like you, I used to be waaay into photography. Then a glitch in my camera, along with a busy work schedule nudged photography to the side. Well, after I read this post today which oozed with passion, I boxed up and Fed-Exed my camera in to have the “glitch” repaired. I was so inspired that despite being a procrastinator by nature, I also boxed up my Shun chef’s knife and sent it off for free sharpening. Two neglected chores in one day! As soon as I get them back, I’ll send you a pic of one of my fingers bleeding from my once again razor sharp Shun. πŸ™‚ steve

  48. stephen

    Suzanne, you inspired me today. Like you, I used to be waaay into photography. Then a glitch in my camera, along with a busy work schedule nudged photography to the side. Well, after I read this post today which oozed with passion, I boxed up and Fed-Exed my camera in to have the “glitch” repaired. I was so inspired that despite being a procrastinator by nature, I also boxed up my Shun chef’s knife and sent it off for free sharpening. Two neglected chores in one day! As soon as I get them back, I’ll send you a pic of one of my fingers bleeding from my once again razor sharp Shun. πŸ™‚ steve

  49. Duchess

    A lonely journey, but we have shared it with you, just a little. Many congratulations on passing the photography test. And on all the painful PT, day by day.

  50. Duchess

    A lonely journey, but we have shared it with you, just a little. Many congratulations on passing the photography test. And on all the painful PT, day by day.

  51. Duchess

    A lonely journey, but we have shared it with you, just a little. Many congratulations on passing the photography test. And on all the painful PT, day by day.

  52. Pam

    What a gorgeous picture! You are very talented. Congratulations on passing the test! Maybe you can talk to Santa at the money-town mall and get that tripod a little early!

  53. Pam

    What a gorgeous picture! You are very talented. Congratulations on passing the test! Maybe you can talk to Santa at the money-town mall and get that tripod a little early!

  54. Pam

    What a gorgeous picture! You are very talented. Congratulations on passing the test! Maybe you can talk to Santa at the money-town mall and get that tripod a little early!

  55. Vikki

    Have you ever heard of a Monopod, inplace of or along with the Tripod? I hadn’t before my husband asked for one for Christmas (he has the same lens) Now when I watch football games I notice that is what the majority of the photographers are using.

  56. Vikki

    Have you ever heard of a Monopod, inplace of or along with the Tripod? I hadn’t before my husband asked for one for Christmas (he has the same lens) Now when I watch football games I notice that is what the majority of the photographers are using.

  57. Vikki

    Have you ever heard of a Monopod, inplace of or along with the Tripod? I hadn’t before my husband asked for one for Christmas (he has the same lens) Now when I watch football games I notice that is what the majority of the photographers are using.

  58. Michelle Pixie

    I am proud of you for what it’s worth! I love to see someone following their passions, I am just sorry you have to work so hard for it! I’ll be right over to use that lens for you until you get that tripod or I could bring my tripod if you share! πŸ˜‰ It does sound like the Torturer is really using the camera as leverage and I do think that’s playing a little dirty. Mean Torturer!!

  59. Michelle Pixie

    I am proud of you for what it’s worth! I love to see someone following their passions, I am just sorry you have to work so hard for it! I’ll be right over to use that lens for you until you get that tripod or I could bring my tripod if you share! πŸ˜‰ It does sound like the Torturer is really using the camera as leverage and I do think that’s playing a little dirty. Mean Torturer!!

  60. Michelle Pixie

    I am proud of you for what it’s worth! I love to see someone following their passions, I am just sorry you have to work so hard for it! I’ll be right over to use that lens for you until you get that tripod or I could bring my tripod if you share! πŸ˜‰ It does sound like the Torturer is really using the camera as leverage and I do think that’s playing a little dirty. Mean Torturer!!

  61. Anne Gibert

    That picture is so beautiful. You are a brave young woman. I plan to buy Jerry that book (NY Times). It’s a great idea, and I am sure he will love it.

  62. Anne Gibert

    That picture is so beautiful. You are a brave young woman. I plan to buy Jerry that book (NY Times). It’s a great idea, and I am sure he will love it.

  63. Anne Gibert

    That picture is so beautiful. You are a brave young woman. I plan to buy Jerry that book (NY Times). It’s a great idea, and I am sure he will love it.

  64. Monica

    Ok, Im delurking here to say I love your blog and read it every other day…
    Every time you mention your arm and your pain I think about this sooo Im going to share it whit you hoping it helps some.
    There’s this workout program called T-Tapp after its creator Teresa Tapp, the exercises are awesome for losing sizes and stuff (I use the total workout system)BUT they are rehabilitative (sp?) too and they say they help with pain. The site is http://www.t-tapp.com. I have nothing to do with them, I just believe they can help. Some of the testimonials are amazing.
    Well just wanted to share
    Bless You

  65. Monica

    Ok, Im delurking here to say I love your blog and read it every other day…
    Every time you mention your arm and your pain I think about this sooo Im going to share it whit you hoping it helps some.
    There’s this workout program called T-Tapp after its creator Teresa Tapp, the exercises are awesome for losing sizes and stuff (I use the total workout system)BUT they are rehabilitative (sp?) too and they say they help with pain. The site is http://www.t-tapp.com. I have nothing to do with them, I just believe they can help. Some of the testimonials are amazing.
    Well just wanted to share
    Bless You

  66. Monica

    Ok, Im delurking here to say I love your blog and read it every other day…
    Every time you mention your arm and your pain I think about this sooo Im going to share it whit you hoping it helps some.
    There’s this workout program called T-Tapp after its creator Teresa Tapp, the exercises are awesome for losing sizes and stuff (I use the total workout system)BUT they are rehabilitative (sp?) too and they say they help with pain. The site is http://www.t-tapp.com. I have nothing to do with them, I just believe they can help. Some of the testimonials are amazing.
    Well just wanted to share
    Bless You

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