Hee Haw! Or Did I Mean Hoo Haa? (Part 2)

* Part 1 of this story posted yesterday.  If you missed it, you can click here to read it. *

 Dr. Mary Sunshine situated herself on my right side to begin a breast exam.  She lifted my right arm to position it properly over my head, but my right arm won't move in the direction she needed it to.  She frowned.  I explained.  She changed her technique to accommodate my bum arm.

As she palpitated my breasts I stared blankly at the ceiling.  I once had a GYN who put funny posters on the ceiling above his exam tables.  They were a nice distraction and usually a good conversation piece.  I dared a downward glance at my bionic nipples.  As always, they were alert.  I wondered if post-breast reduction boobs feel different during an exam?  I wondered if she was appraising the skill of my breast surgeon?  I wondered if she thought my alert nipples meant I liked the breast exam a little too much?

Did I mention, my brain was going 500 mph due to my anxiety over the entire appointment?

With the breast exam complete, Dr. Mary Sunshine smiled and said, "Scoot on down!" with so much cheerfulness I was tempted to slap her.  Reluctantly, I slid my feet into the stirrups on each side of the table and slid my booty body down the table.

"A little further please," she said in her sing-songy voice as I heard the snap of rubber gloves being put on her hands.

With dread in every ounce of my being, I scooted further down the table.  To say I felt a little exposed is an extreme understatement.

I saw the doc glance at my cooch and then do a double-take and look again.

"The Brazilian," I thought to myself.

She didn't comment, but clearly she knew things looked different than last year.

I'm pretty sure I was blushing from head to toe at that point.  I wonder what a blushing Brazilian-waxed hoo haa looks like?

I will spare you all the embarrassing details of the next several minutes, but I will say there was an extreme amount of lube involved.  Also?  Dr. Mary Sunshine warms her speculum's prior to inserting them into cooters.  She also covers the stirrups with fabric so they aren't ice cold on your feet.  (She is an OC doctor after all!)

Kudos to Dr. Mary Sunshine. 

Once the exam was completed, the doc cheerfully announced, "Well, you can get dressed now and I'll see you again next year!"

She handed me a pantyliner and exited the room.

Now, this is where things started going wrong.  I glanced at the pantyliner.  The intention, of course, is to preserve panties from all the lube she just inserted into my va-jay-jay.  The problem, however, is I was wearing thong panties and a regular pantyliner won't work with a thong.

I wasn't sure what to do with the pantyliner in my hand.  I could throw it away, but if Dr. Mary Sunshine saw it in the trash she would think I was rude, ungrateful, and/or that I like the feeling of a gallon of lube dripping out of my cooch.  (Same thing if I left it sitting on the exam table.)  I hadn't noticed where the pantyliner came from and there were several drawers and cupboards in front of me.  

I considered opening them all until I found the one holding pantyliners.  I could sneak the pantyliner she gave me back into its original location.  (It was individually wrapped and still sterile.)  I was worried, however, the nurses or doctor would hear me opening and closing cupboards and drawers in the room.  What if they walked in to find me naked and pillaging through their cupboards?

It might look like I was trying to steal pantyliners (or other items) instead of politely refusing the one she gave me.

Yes, I know I was way over thinking this whole dilemma, but I get very out of sorts at my yearly poon peek.  

Finally, I tossed the pantyliner in my purse.  The doctor would assume I used it, I wouldn't get arrested for stealing pantyliners and all would be right with the world.

(Maybe I should have known better than to put anything in my purse.  I once had a very embarrassing incident occur as a result of putting a pair of panties in my purse.)

Nonetheless, at this point, I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  Have I mentioned it was now 6 p.m?

I got dressed, I exited the office.  It was raining.

I checked my phone and saw there was a message from my 14 year old son.  I called him as I was getting into my car.  He wanted to know why I was taking so long.

"What kind of appointment were you at?"

Um ….

And, he wanted to let me know he was starving and, "What's for dinner Mom?"

I told him I'd pick something up on the way home.  

I hung up and called Wood Ranch restaurant with a to-go order.  It had been a long day.  I was more than ready for it to be over.

Thirty minutes later, I arrived at the restaurant.  I went to their take-out desk and gave Hawt 18 Year Old my name.  He gathered my order and informed me how much money I owed.

Well, by now you can probably guess what happened.  I pulled out my wallet and the pantyliner went flying out across the take-out counter.  In fact, it not only flew across the counter, it fell on the floor on the other side of the counter where Hawt 18 Year Old stood.

It was a classic "24" moment.

Hawt 18 Year Old didn't realize at first what had just gone flying past him.

I did though.  I felt my face flushing a deep shade of red.

Instinctively, he reached down to retrieve the slightly crumpled item he'd seen fly from my purse to his feet.

_MG_1874
 

As he extended his hand to return it to me, I saw comprehension wash over his face.  He blushed.

He returned the pantyliner to me.  He kept his eyes averted as he rang up the charges for the food.

I paid.  I also intentionally over-tipped him as a means to make up for his, and my, embarrassment.

"Here you go," he said at last (still averting his eyes), as he handed me a bag with our food in it.  "I hope you have a very nice evening."

I mumbled a quick thank you.

And then, I do believe I ran right out the door.

For now until eternity, Briefcase will be in charge of picking up to-go orders from Wood Ranch.

© Twenty Four At Heart

54 Responses to “Hee Haw! Or Did I Mean Hoo Haa? (Part 2)”

  1. Joanne

    you know I live in the south, right?? down here instead of pondering out loud something like “Lord, woman, do you have grits for brains?” we simply say….. “Bless your heart!”.
    Yep another classic TF adventure!

  2. Joanne

    you know I live in the south, right?? down here instead of pondering out loud something like “Lord, woman, do you have grits for brains?” we simply say….. “Bless your heart!”.
    Yep another classic TF adventure!

  3. Joanne

    you know I live in the south, right?? down here instead of pondering out loud something like “Lord, woman, do you have grits for brains?” we simply say….. “Bless your heart!”.
    Yep another classic TF adventure!

  4. Mo

    Fantastic. Reminds me of the time my wife tried to pay for her shopping by handing over a tampon from her handbag instead of her bank card.
    “Excuse me, we don’t take tampon. Just VISA…”

  5. Mo

    Fantastic. Reminds me of the time my wife tried to pay for her shopping by handing over a tampon from her handbag instead of her bank card.
    “Excuse me, we don’t take tampon. Just VISA…”

  6. Mo

    Fantastic. Reminds me of the time my wife tried to pay for her shopping by handing over a tampon from her handbag instead of her bank card.
    “Excuse me, we don’t take tampon. Just VISA…”

  7. Jan

    Yup, that is SO you. Just one of many in the long list of reasons I love you.

  8. Jan

    Yup, that is SO you. Just one of many in the long list of reasons I love you.

  9. Jan

    Yup, that is SO you. Just one of many in the long list of reasons I love you.

  10. Pam

    That was hilarious!! Hopefully if you go in there again, the 18 year old will remember you for the big tip rather than the wayward pantyliner! Thanks for making me laugh!

  11. Pam

    That was hilarious!! Hopefully if you go in there again, the 18 year old will remember you for the big tip rather than the wayward pantyliner! Thanks for making me laugh!

  12. Pam

    That was hilarious!! Hopefully if you go in there again, the 18 year old will remember you for the big tip rather than the wayward pantyliner! Thanks for making me laugh!

  13. mama llama

    OMG, 24. What a day you had.
    Um…she actually said “Scoot on down!”?? My, oh my.
    Just gotta say here…Kudos to YOU, sexy mamacita…a Brazilian AND wearing a thong? Me sitting here in SweatPants City and not giving a flying you-know-what how my nether regions appear, this Llama is pretty impressed.
    Be well, 24.

  14. mama llama

    OMG, 24. What a day you had.
    Um…she actually said “Scoot on down!”?? My, oh my.
    Just gotta say here…Kudos to YOU, sexy mamacita…a Brazilian AND wearing a thong? Me sitting here in SweatPants City and not giving a flying you-know-what how my nether regions appear, this Llama is pretty impressed.
    Be well, 24.

  15. mama llama

    OMG, 24. What a day you had.
    Um…she actually said “Scoot on down!”?? My, oh my.
    Just gotta say here…Kudos to YOU, sexy mamacita…a Brazilian AND wearing a thong? Me sitting here in SweatPants City and not giving a flying you-know-what how my nether regions appear, this Llama is pretty impressed.
    Be well, 24.

  16. Kelly

    LMAO Nothing like a little pantyliner with dinner. Tastes like chicken?

  17. Kelly

    LMAO Nothing like a little pantyliner with dinner. Tastes like chicken?

  18. Kelly

    LMAO Nothing like a little pantyliner with dinner. Tastes like chicken?

  19. Pseudo

    I have my yearly this week. Now I’ll be thinking of you the whole time and trying not to giggle in my gynos face.

  20. Pseudo

    I have my yearly this week. Now I’ll be thinking of you the whole time and trying not to giggle in my gynos face.

  21. Pseudo

    I have my yearly this week. Now I’ll be thinking of you the whole time and trying not to giggle in my gynos face.

  22. mckay

    i’m surprised you didn’t ask the doc a bunch of questions about the breast reduction results – she’s probably felt more boobs than warren beatty.

  23. mckay

    i’m surprised you didn’t ask the doc a bunch of questions about the breast reduction results – she’s probably felt more boobs than warren beatty.

  24. mckay

    i’m surprised you didn’t ask the doc a bunch of questions about the breast reduction results – she’s probably felt more boobs than warren beatty.

  25. Christine

    I get told to scoot down every darn time, for both exams and ultrasounds. You’d think at this point I’d know where to position my rear end.
    I’ve worn regular pantyliners with a thong. Just put it on like you would panties and fold the liner over on both sides. You just have to be careful to make sure it sticks to the fabric so you don’t go to take them off or even go to the bathroom and find out it’s sticking to you….ouch! LOL. Sorry, too much info???
    That poor boy. Though I’d rather have a wrapped pantyliner come flying out of my purse than an actual pair of panties 😉

  26. Christine

    I get told to scoot down every darn time, for both exams and ultrasounds. You’d think at this point I’d know where to position my rear end.
    I’ve worn regular pantyliners with a thong. Just put it on like you would panties and fold the liner over on both sides. You just have to be careful to make sure it sticks to the fabric so you don’t go to take them off or even go to the bathroom and find out it’s sticking to you….ouch! LOL. Sorry, too much info???
    That poor boy. Though I’d rather have a wrapped pantyliner come flying out of my purse than an actual pair of panties 😉

  27. Christine

    I get told to scoot down every darn time, for both exams and ultrasounds. You’d think at this point I’d know where to position my rear end.
    I’ve worn regular pantyliners with a thong. Just put it on like you would panties and fold the liner over on both sides. You just have to be careful to make sure it sticks to the fabric so you don’t go to take them off or even go to the bathroom and find out it’s sticking to you….ouch! LOL. Sorry, too much info???
    That poor boy. Though I’d rather have a wrapped pantyliner come flying out of my purse than an actual pair of panties 😉

  28. Ginger

    Ha ha, glad you survived the whole ordeal! Nobody else could make this into a story but you!

  29. Ginger

    Ha ha, glad you survived the whole ordeal! Nobody else could make this into a story but you!

  30. Ginger

    Ha ha, glad you survived the whole ordeal! Nobody else could make this into a story but you!

  31. Stephen

    Just a quick tip, public welfare and all. A panty liner, and some athletic tape make a superb field dressing. Been there. Done that. And that’s the full extent of my less than towering panty liner knowledge.

  32. Stephen

    Just a quick tip, public welfare and all. A panty liner, and some athletic tape make a superb field dressing. Been there. Done that. And that’s the full extent of my less than towering panty liner knowledge.

  33. Stephen

    Just a quick tip, public welfare and all. A panty liner, and some athletic tape make a superb field dressing. Been there. Done that. And that’s the full extent of my less than towering panty liner knowledge.

  34. Alan

    Uh…yeah. I got nuthin’.
    Except THAT is hysterical. And I’m pretty sure I’M blushing right now…

  35. Alan

    Uh…yeah. I got nuthin’.
    Except THAT is hysterical. And I’m pretty sure I’M blushing right now…

  36. Alan

    Uh…yeah. I got nuthin’.
    Except THAT is hysterical. And I’m pretty sure I’M blushing right now…

  37. dogmother

    Uh, ya, never wear a thong to this type appointment…so messy, ya know?
    Nice idea, handing out the pantyliners…I just hand them some tissues to “clean up”…that would’ve been much easier in your case, right?
    Hope you had a nice dinner!

  38. dogmother

    Uh, ya, never wear a thong to this type appointment…so messy, ya know?
    Nice idea, handing out the pantyliners…I just hand them some tissues to “clean up”…that would’ve been much easier in your case, right?
    Hope you had a nice dinner!

  39. dogmother

    Uh, ya, never wear a thong to this type appointment…so messy, ya know?
    Nice idea, handing out the pantyliners…I just hand them some tissues to “clean up”…that would’ve been much easier in your case, right?
    Hope you had a nice dinner!

  40. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    And you can’t say anything to the guy to try and explain yourself because you’ll only make it worse. I was waiting for the part where you say that then your top flew off or you lept over the counter after the panty liner and your top caught and ripped on an errant nail, exposing a nipple. You got off lucky this time, Chica!

  41. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    And you can’t say anything to the guy to try and explain yourself because you’ll only make it worse. I was waiting for the part where you say that then your top flew off or you lept over the counter after the panty liner and your top caught and ripped on an errant nail, exposing a nipple. You got off lucky this time, Chica!

  42. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    And you can’t say anything to the guy to try and explain yourself because you’ll only make it worse. I was waiting for the part where you say that then your top flew off or you lept over the counter after the panty liner and your top caught and ripped on an errant nail, exposing a nipple. You got off lucky this time, Chica!

  43. Momma Pixie

    Oh My! I think you need to start carrying a stash bag in your purse where you can tuck away such things so that they don’t come flying out at the next stop…You poor thing. I would’ve been mortified! 😉

  44. Momma Pixie

    Oh My! I think you need to start carrying a stash bag in your purse where you can tuck away such things so that they don’t come flying out at the next stop…You poor thing. I would’ve been mortified! 😉

  45. Momma Pixie

    Oh My! I think you need to start carrying a stash bag in your purse where you can tuck away such things so that they don’t come flying out at the next stop…You poor thing. I would’ve been mortified! 😉

  46. Life with Kaishon

    You are so funny. I can’t really take it. I am glad everything went smoothly during your appointment. Except for the panty liner glitch at the end, I would say that was a PERFECT visit! And how great is it that you didn’t have to get weighed! PERFECTION!

  47. Life with Kaishon

    You are so funny. I can’t really take it. I am glad everything went smoothly during your appointment. Except for the panty liner glitch at the end, I would say that was a PERFECT visit! And how great is it that you didn’t have to get weighed! PERFECTION!

  48. Life with Kaishon

    You are so funny. I can’t really take it. I am glad everything went smoothly during your appointment. Except for the panty liner glitch at the end, I would say that was a PERFECT visit! And how great is it that you didn’t have to get weighed! PERFECTION!

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