Hee Haw! Or Did I Mean Hoo Haa? (Part 1)

Last week I had to go in for my once a year girly-parts check-up.  You know, it's often referred to as a woman's "annual" or gyn check-up, or poon peek.

* Ahem *

I'm wondering if other women have crazy thoughts running through their heads as they undergo this yearly wonder, or if it's just me?  I get so nervous about the exam, I never know what thought will pop into my head next.

Every year, I dread this appointment for at least a full week before it takes place.  I always try to think up excuses for canceling it, and then the image of one of my neighbors who died of cervical cancer comes to mind.  

I keep the appointment.

I'm in my forties and you'd think I'd be used to this nightmare event by now, but I'm not. I'm not a sexually shy person (clearly!), but I get nervous for this appointment every year.  My heart races, my hands sweat, I feel awkward and uncomfortable and I would rather be anywhere else.  

I've given birth to three children with a host of people in the room as I did so.  How can a simple exam fluster me so?

I entered the office with a wayward nod to the expecting mothers in the waiting area.  My youngest is fourteen and I'm clearly past the baby birthing stage of my life.  The receptionist asked me to fill out a zillion of the exact same forms I filled out last year, and I did.

And then I waited.  

While I waited, I wondered if there would be time to take one more quick shower before the doctor began exploring my nether regions.  Perhaps the shower I took an hour before was not enough.  Why don't they have bidets in the waiting area?  

I reminded myself my doc (a woman) looks at twats all day long and surely mine can't be unique.  

Then I wondered if perhaps mine is unique, because I don't have any real-life experience with other women's lady bits.

I began to ponder, in depth, the possibilities for variations in va-jay-jays.

Right then an overly friendly nurse called my name and ushered me out of the waiting area into the dungeons of hell actual offices.

She asked if I'd like to step on the scale.

I told her, I really would not like to at all.

She laughed and we passed up the scale for the actual examination room.

"Whew!" I thought.  "I escaped the scale!"

I was quite sure I lost five pounds stressing about being weighed in public.

The nurse was very! happy!  She chattered nonstop about every topic imaginable except those related to why I was there.  I suppose she's a tool of distraction.  She took my blood pressure.  She instructed me to get naked and put on a hospital gown with the opening in the front.

"Why bother?" I thought.

"No problem," I said instead.  

The nurse departed.  I stripped off my clothes and folded them on a chair.  I hurried into the hospital gown in case anyone should happen to walk in as I stood there buck naked.

God forbid, the woman who delivered my last child should see me naked.

I sat on the examination table waiting for the doctor.  While I waited, I began to wonder who invented the speculum and whatever possessed him (definitely a him!) to do so.  I sent a tweet out to over 2,000 people on Twitter asking if any of them knew who invented the speculum.

Maybe it was my imagination, but I could have sworn I heard people all over the world laughing as they read it.  Those who didn't laugh, most likely un-followed me.

I'm pretty sure, a bazillion years ago, some man wanted to get a good look-see up inside a cooter in an attempt to figure out why the damn thing felt so good.  He invented the speculum and women have been subjected to it ever since.

Don't ya think?

Right then it occurred to me I now have a Brazilian!  

Omigod!  

I have a Brazilian (!) and I didn't at last year's appointment.  What if the doctor had never seen a bald hoo haa before?  I suppose it's unlikely in Orange County, but possible.  She certainly had never seen one on me.  Before I could worry much about my Brazilian, Dr. Mary Sunshine entered the room. 

The doc greeted me with a huge hug and her sing-songy voice exuded so! much! happiness! to see me again.  She's an expert at small talk but her efforts to make me enjoy my visits with her are futile.  She inquired as to whether I've had any health changes in the last year.  I told her I underwent a breast reduction last summer.

"Ok then," she said.  "Why don't you go ahead and lie back?  I'll start with your breast exam."

"Oh shit!" I thought.  "What if my bionic nipples misbehave?"

** The conclusion of this story will be posted tomorrow. **

© Twenty Four At Heart

51 Responses to “Hee Haw! Or Did I Mean Hoo Haa? (Part 1)”

  1. Kristen

    I’m totally wondering if we have the same doctor. My OB/GYN always starts with a hug and totally has a sing song voice. Now I’m curious. lol Her last name doesn’t happen to start with an “A” does it? In the city with the initials of “LH”? Can’t wait to read part 2!

  2. Kristen

    I’m totally wondering if we have the same doctor. My OB/GYN always starts with a hug and totally has a sing song voice. Now I’m curious. lol Her last name doesn’t happen to start with an “A” does it? In the city with the initials of “LH”? Can’t wait to read part 2!

  3. Kristen

    I’m totally wondering if we have the same doctor. My OB/GYN always starts with a hug and totally has a sing song voice. Now I’m curious. lol Her last name doesn’t happen to start with an “A” does it? In the city with the initials of “LH”? Can’t wait to read part 2!

  4. Joan

    I wish someone would get around to inventing a speculum-warmer.

  5. Joan

    I wish someone would get around to inventing a speculum-warmer.

  6. Joan

    I wish someone would get around to inventing a speculum-warmer.

  7. mama llama

    I’m with Joan…
    I had one doctor tell me that doing pelvic exams is, for her, like looking at someone’s elbow. So now, each time I’m in there, I’m thinking, “I wonder if it LOOKS like an elbow…”
    You are the second blogger I’ve read this week who has successfully evaded the medical scale, by the way. There must be something in the air–or it’s been recommended by the AMA to skip the weighing part of all exams now.
    Be well, 24.

  8. mama llama

    I’m with Joan…
    I had one doctor tell me that doing pelvic exams is, for her, like looking at someone’s elbow. So now, each time I’m in there, I’m thinking, “I wonder if it LOOKS like an elbow…”
    You are the second blogger I’ve read this week who has successfully evaded the medical scale, by the way. There must be something in the air–or it’s been recommended by the AMA to skip the weighing part of all exams now.
    Be well, 24.

  9. mama llama

    I’m with Joan…
    I had one doctor tell me that doing pelvic exams is, for her, like looking at someone’s elbow. So now, each time I’m in there, I’m thinking, “I wonder if it LOOKS like an elbow…”
    You are the second blogger I’ve read this week who has successfully evaded the medical scale, by the way. There must be something in the air–or it’s been recommended by the AMA to skip the weighing part of all exams now.
    Be well, 24.

  10. Pam

    Thanks for making me laugh! I do the same thing about the scale–it’s a doctor’s scale, in the middle of the day, with all of my clothes on…. I know it’s adding a GOOD 5 pounds. I usually ask if I can skip the weighing part too! (of course the ONLY nurse who insisted I get weighed worked for the podiatrist!) WTF??? Anyway, I’m with you on the appointment–certainly not my favorite way to spend my time. 🙂

  11. Pam

    Thanks for making me laugh! I do the same thing about the scale–it’s a doctor’s scale, in the middle of the day, with all of my clothes on…. I know it’s adding a GOOD 5 pounds. I usually ask if I can skip the weighing part too! (of course the ONLY nurse who insisted I get weighed worked for the podiatrist!) WTF??? Anyway, I’m with you on the appointment–certainly not my favorite way to spend my time. 🙂

  12. Pam

    Thanks for making me laugh! I do the same thing about the scale–it’s a doctor’s scale, in the middle of the day, with all of my clothes on…. I know it’s adding a GOOD 5 pounds. I usually ask if I can skip the weighing part too! (of course the ONLY nurse who insisted I get weighed worked for the podiatrist!) WTF??? Anyway, I’m with you on the appointment–certainly not my favorite way to spend my time. 🙂

  13. Joanne

    if they do misbehave, ask her why, and then ask when they ever WILL behave. Just for fun, you can remind her it’s her job to know these things! She is, after all, the lady-parts specialist

  14. Joanne

    if they do misbehave, ask her why, and then ask when they ever WILL behave. Just for fun, you can remind her it’s her job to know these things! She is, after all, the lady-parts specialist

  15. Joanne

    if they do misbehave, ask her why, and then ask when they ever WILL behave. Just for fun, you can remind her it’s her job to know these things! She is, after all, the lady-parts specialist

  16. Jan

    There you are – doing that “you’re gonna have to wait till tomorrow for the rest of the story” thing again. Bad 24. Bad.
    I’m with Joan, too – I do believe my gyno keeps her speculums in a damn deep freeze.

  17. Jan

    There you are – doing that “you’re gonna have to wait till tomorrow for the rest of the story” thing again. Bad 24. Bad.
    I’m with Joan, too – I do believe my gyno keeps her speculums in a damn deep freeze.

  18. Jan

    There you are – doing that “you’re gonna have to wait till tomorrow for the rest of the story” thing again. Bad 24. Bad.
    I’m with Joan, too – I do believe my gyno keeps her speculums in a damn deep freeze.

  19. Kelly

    Then I wondered if perhaps mine is unique, because I don’t have any real-life experience with other women’s lady bits.
    Ha ha!
    I’ve wondered that too!

  20. Kelly

    Then I wondered if perhaps mine is unique, because I don’t have any real-life experience with other women’s lady bits.
    Ha ha!
    I’ve wondered that too!

  21. Kelly

    Then I wondered if perhaps mine is unique, because I don’t have any real-life experience with other women’s lady bits.
    Ha ha!
    I’ve wondered that too!

  22. Ginger

    Oh you’ve captured the whole experience to a tee! But if you think this is good stuff, wait until you’re in your fifties, and have an exam for hemorrhoids. You haven’t even begun to live yet, kiddo.

  23. Ginger

    Oh you’ve captured the whole experience to a tee! But if you think this is good stuff, wait until you’re in your fifties, and have an exam for hemorrhoids. You haven’t even begun to live yet, kiddo.

  24. Ginger

    Oh you’ve captured the whole experience to a tee! But if you think this is good stuff, wait until you’re in your fifties, and have an exam for hemorrhoids. You haven’t even begun to live yet, kiddo.

  25. dogmother

    It makes no difference that I perform “well-woman” (I love that term) exams every day….I hate undergoing this torture myself. I have a phobia of someone walking in the room as I am undressing and changing into the god-forsaken paper gown…they might see me naked! How stupid is that? Looking inside your cooter is pretty naked!

  26. dogmother

    It makes no difference that I perform “well-woman” (I love that term) exams every day….I hate undergoing this torture myself. I have a phobia of someone walking in the room as I am undressing and changing into the god-forsaken paper gown…they might see me naked! How stupid is that? Looking inside your cooter is pretty naked!

  27. dogmother

    It makes no difference that I perform “well-woman” (I love that term) exams every day….I hate undergoing this torture myself. I have a phobia of someone walking in the room as I am undressing and changing into the god-forsaken paper gown…they might see me naked! How stupid is that? Looking inside your cooter is pretty naked!

  28. Alan

    And tomorrow…a great photo display of all of today’s adventures! Yahoo! (Or do I mean Ya-HOO HAA? LOL

  29. Alan

    And tomorrow…a great photo display of all of today’s adventures! Yahoo! (Or do I mean Ya-HOO HAA? LOL

  30. Alan

    And tomorrow…a great photo display of all of today’s adventures! Yahoo! (Or do I mean Ya-HOO HAA? LOL

  31. Momma Pixie

    I loathe that yearly visit of having my girly parts exposed. And I always wonder should I tuck my panties and bra in my clothes or am I being silly and just put it on top of the pile since it’s the last thing to come off and the first to go on?! Isn’t it funny the things that run through your mind!

  32. Momma Pixie

    I loathe that yearly visit of having my girly parts exposed. And I always wonder should I tuck my panties and bra in my clothes or am I being silly and just put it on top of the pile since it’s the last thing to come off and the first to go on?! Isn’t it funny the things that run through your mind!

  33. Momma Pixie

    I loathe that yearly visit of having my girly parts exposed. And I always wonder should I tuck my panties and bra in my clothes or am I being silly and just put it on top of the pile since it’s the last thing to come off and the first to go on?! Isn’t it funny the things that run through your mind!

  34. mckay

    yep, momma pixie, it must be a universal girl thing that we hide our bras and undies in our clothes. i do it, too.
    i’ve thought the same thing about my lack of experience in how i compare to other ladies. i had a doctor tell me i have very dense breasts (not stupid, but …you know, dense.) she seemed perplexed that i didn’t already know this information.
    bravo!.. to you, 24, that you can twirl and be proud to tell us all of your brazilianed and bionical body parts.

  35. mckay

    yep, momma pixie, it must be a universal girl thing that we hide our bras and undies in our clothes. i do it, too.
    i’ve thought the same thing about my lack of experience in how i compare to other ladies. i had a doctor tell me i have very dense breasts (not stupid, but …you know, dense.) she seemed perplexed that i didn’t already know this information.
    bravo!.. to you, 24, that you can twirl and be proud to tell us all of your brazilianed and bionical body parts.

  36. mckay

    yep, momma pixie, it must be a universal girl thing that we hide our bras and undies in our clothes. i do it, too.
    i’ve thought the same thing about my lack of experience in how i compare to other ladies. i had a doctor tell me i have very dense breasts (not stupid, but …you know, dense.) she seemed perplexed that i didn’t already know this information.
    bravo!.. to you, 24, that you can twirl and be proud to tell us all of your brazilianed and bionical body parts.

  37. jessica

    I just had mine. God, I hate it and you just reminded me, I need to get a mammogram. Oh fun times for all!!!

  38. jessica

    I just had mine. God, I hate it and you just reminded me, I need to get a mammogram. Oh fun times for all!!!

  39. jessica

    I just had mine. God, I hate it and you just reminded me, I need to get a mammogram. Oh fun times for all!!!

  40. Macaroni

    …Wait. I don’t understand. You’re not afraid to go have some random person rip hairs from you’re hoo haa with hot wax but you’re freaked out by a trained medical professional making sure you’re well and healthy? D;
    I don’t understand! I mean I know the gyne really -checks things out-, but a waxer is still a stranger looking at your girly bits…and I’m guessing it’s when they’re in need of “maintenance” too? O_o
    I don’t understand! D:

  41. Macaroni

    …Wait. I don’t understand. You’re not afraid to go have some random person rip hairs from you’re hoo haa with hot wax but you’re freaked out by a trained medical professional making sure you’re well and healthy? D;
    I don’t understand! I mean I know the gyne really -checks things out-, but a waxer is still a stranger looking at your girly bits…and I’m guessing it’s when they’re in need of “maintenance” too? O_o
    I don’t understand! D:

  42. Macaroni

    …Wait. I don’t understand. You’re not afraid to go have some random person rip hairs from you’re hoo haa with hot wax but you’re freaked out by a trained medical professional making sure you’re well and healthy? D;
    I don’t understand! I mean I know the gyne really -checks things out-, but a waxer is still a stranger looking at your girly bits…and I’m guessing it’s when they’re in need of “maintenance” too? O_o
    I don’t understand! D:

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