You wouldn't believe everything that happened to me yesterday. It was one of those days where I had nearly every moment booked from the moment I woke up until late in the evening. In addition to all the planned activities for the day, there was an emotional roller coaster of unexpected events taking place too.
I will share a lot of yesterday's events with you, but for now, for today, let's just focus on one thing – my break up with The Torturer after our three and a half year relationship.
Well, let me be honest about this … The Torturer broke up with me.
(And if you're a new reader, I apologize in advance but you will not understand today's post. Perhaps you should go back and read my About Page, and/or peruse my Recovery category to get up to speed.)
There are two parts to this story. I will explain the factual, blah, blah, blah part first (and quickly!) so when you read the ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! CURSE! TEARS! emotional part, it will make more sense.
My medical insurance is with Anthem Blue Cross of California. For writing purposes, I will just refer to them as BC for Blue Cross.
Recently, BC made the decision to pay physical therapists in California about half of what they have been paying them in the past for a patient's PT visit. (This is in spite of making incredible profits as an insurance company. Don't we all hate the big bad insurance companies?) In other words, Blue Cross is forcing a 50% pay-cut on physical therapists who treat BC patients. The Torturer has known for months this change was on the horizon and he's been very upset about it. He's said it may result in having to cut the salaries of his employees or laying people off. Around one third of The Torturer's patients are BC patients.
WAKE UP READERS!
I'M DONE WITH THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH PART!
Yesterday, when I walked into PT I was informed The Torturer had made the decision to pull his practice out of the BC network of providers – effective at the beginning of the very week we are existing in right now. That means I already attended two appointments this week I'm not covered for.
What all this means is, my insurance will no longer pay for me to go to PT at my current facility.
What it also means is, I no longer have The Torturer as my physical therapist.
What it also means is, I have no plan for immediate treatment and my arm and upper body will begin exploding in breathtaking pain in 3 … 2 … 1 ….
What it also MAY mean, is a discontinuation of insurance coverage for my arm forever. (The reasons for this are long and technical and boring so I won't list them, but losing my coverage for PT on my arm is now a strong likelihood.)
I feel all my hopes for my arm, and dreams of my recovery, falling and shattering into a million splintered pieces on the ground. I feel the fear of regressing, of losing what I've fought so hard for, clutching like a vise at my heart.
In my mind, I hear over, and over again, The Torturer's words from just last week. He chided me for missing two appointments because it became instantly apparent I had regressed in even that short amount of time. I struggled to lift a one pound weight when the week before I had lifted three.
I think about my camera, my love of photography … how hard I've fought and what I may now lose.
What happens to me now?
Could I pay cash (at a reduced rate) to continue my treatment? Well, technically I could.
Realistically, I cannot.
The Torturer did not handle any of this the way I think he should have. (That is strictly my opinion as his long-term patient, and as his friend.) I'm very hurt and disappointed.
Although I've known The Torturer has been frustrated by Blue Cross "issues," there was no advance warning he was considering exiting the BC network. Therefore, The Torturer's BC patients (or *ahem* FRIENDS) had no idea of this impending change.
There was no transition time provided for me his patients to find alternative treatment.
There were no suggestions or referrals provided for the treatment patients need (and which The Torturer will no longer be providing.)
[Although, later – in an exchange of text messages and emails, The Torturer said he would provide referrals if requested.]
When I asked The Torturer what I should do, he said, "That's up to you."
And yes, I did take that to mean, "I don't give a shit, you don't bring any money in for me anymore."
Is that what he meant?
You would have to ask him. I can only write about how his words made me feel.
I feel abandoned.
I feel betrayed.
I feel like I've lost the ONE person who has truly understood what I've gone through since my accident. (Who, apparently, doesn't really understand at all because if he did he wouldn't have walked away from me without a visible ounce of concern for my well being.)
I feel very hurt at how casually I was "dismissed."
I feel myself sinking, and sinking, and yes – giving up all hope for any further recovery.
© Twenty Four At Heart