** The Plastic Surgery party is tonight! If you're looking for me at the party, keep in mind I'll probably be the only woman there with a blue streak in her blonde hair. Don't be shy – introduce yourself! I'm looking forward to meeting you! **
OK, I told you I had a funny story to share and today I'm going to do just that.
However … if sexual content bothers you, please skip this post. Instead, rejoin me tomorrow when I'm done snickering and giggling.
I imagine the rest of you perverts are ready for me to tell the story now?
I have a friend. She's in her early thirties. She's beautiful. Let's pretend her name is Kati. Kati ended a long term relationship a few months ago and is re-entering the dating scene.
I stopped by Kati's condo to drop off some photos for her recently and noticed a big, beautiful, bouquet of fresh roses. I commented on how pretty they were and she told me she'd been on a date two nights before. The man she dated sent them the following day.
"That's impressive," I acknowledged.
"Not really," she replied. "He was the worst kisser I've ever encountered."
Kati went on to tell me about her date with Jim.
Kati and Jim have known each other for many years, but they've been out of touch for the last two. Previously, they were never romantically involved, but they used to be fairly close friends. Recently they ran into each other. While getting caught up, Jim realized Kati is now available. He immediately asked her out on a date for the very next night.
Kati went on to tell me all of Jim's great attributes. Because they were once good friends she feels very comfortable with him. He's a great conversationalist, and has a good sense of humor. He's attractive, and polite, and seems to think the world of her.
There were, however, big problems as their perfect date progressed and they began getting physical.
Her first clue was when he reached over and gave her a huge kiss.
"He pretty much licked my entire face," she explained.
Because Jim has such a funny sense of humor, Kati thought he was joking around. She put a hand on each side of his face and said, "Stop! It isn't funny!"
He looked at her with hurt, puppy dog eyes and said, "What's not funny?"
She was stunned.
"Well, if everything else about him is so great, you can teach him how to kiss," I suggested.
"He's unteachable, I tried!" replied Kati.
Jim was quite revved up to be alone with Kati and the bad-kissing progressed to "other things" fairly quickly.
"He wanted to go down on me and it's been so long since I've been with anyone, I figured why not," explained Kati.
Jim apparently didn't do much better in the oral sex department. Kati tried to guide him and reposition him, but Jim seemed to be lacking in an understanding of basic female anatomy. She finally came right out and asked him if he could maybe move right there instead of lapping her entire body (from the belly button down) with his tongue.
When Jim did as she requested, she tried to encourage him by letting out a moan and saying, "Mmmmmmm!"
"MMMMMMMMMMM!!" Jim echoed back (very loudly) into her crotch, with massive amounts of M-vibration.
Kati nearly jumped a foot off the bed. It was not a good type of vibration.
"MMMMM??" she asked.
"MMMMM??" questioned Jim with his parrot-like vibrating M-echo.
Kati once again tried to guide Jim to the right spot, and it took quite some time before he even came close to the correct vicinity.
"MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!" cried out Katie.
"MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!" Jim pulsated right back at her via her cooter.
At this point, Kati knew she was never, ever, going to have an orgasm with Jim. It was all she could do not to laugh. Jim's parrot-like "Mmmmm-ing" and the weird tickling vibration it caused had killed her sexual desire.
Although they had seemed so compatible in every way, clearly they could not be less compatible physically.
Kati decided to try out a few more "Mmmmmmmm" sounds to see what Jim would do and the result was always the same.
"Mmmmmmmm!" Jim vibrated right back at (in?) her.
"So how did the night end?" I asked.
"I faked an orgasm to get it over with. I was never, ever, going to cum," answered Kati.
The next day Kati received a dozen roses from Jim with a note saying he'd had a fantastic time on their date. He followed up with a call asking to see her again.
Kati didn't want to hurt Jim's feelings so she told him she was busy. He laughed and said, "Oh was the sex that bad?" Jim was joking, of course. Kati had faked it like a pro and Jim was actually feeling like quite a stud. He thought he had pleased her immensely.
Kati chatted lightly with Jim for a few minutes and then ended the conversation. Jim said he would be calling again soon. He really wants to see her badly.
"It was the worst experience I've ever had with a guy in bed," Kati confessed.
If I asked Jim I think I'd hear a different story.
He seemed to think his date with Kati was, "Mmm-Mmm Good!"
© Twenty Four At Heart