The Tale of My Tampons

** If you will be in Southern California on March 11th and you're interested in attending the Plastic Surgery party, you can go here for details. **

My male readers today should smile, wave, and walk away.  I welcome all of you nice men to come back tomorrow.  There's nothing here a man wants to read about today anyway.

Okay girls/women/people of the feminine persuasion ….

Apparently, I was leaving a trail of still-in-the-wrapper tampons behind me yesterday everywhere I went.  I didn't realize it, of course, or I wouldn't have done it.  Also?  I wouldn't have continued to do it all.fucking.day.long.

I'm not even, ahem, needing them this week.

Yet.

I suppose I should start at the beginning?  Because I know you want to read about The Tale Trail of My Tampons.

It's sort of like the story of Hansel and Gretel, but different.

I woke up with a headache yesterday.  I mainly get headaches as a result of shoulder/neck issues from my car accident.  This was different.  This felt like a PMS headache.  Frequently, right before my 5-7 days of celebrating blissful womanhood each month, I get a mean, kick-ass, headache.  

It arrives to keep my bloating and irritability company.

Do I sound like a feminine hygiene commercial yet?

I've really overbooked my calendar for the entire month of March.  Yesterday, was certainly no exception.  I needed to be all over Orange County and I knew it would be a long day of driving, errands, and appointments.  I didn't expect to return home until evening time.  

I downed two Advil with my morning coffee.  Trying to be smart, and prepared, I decided I should take some tampons with me just in case.  There was only one problem, I seemed to be out of them.  I started hunting around the house, checking cosmetic bags, old purses, etc., in search of an emergency stash.

I found some upstairs in one of my travel bags.  They were non-applicator, little, itty-bitty, tampons, perfect for travel.  I have a couple purses downstairs and I decided I would take a bunch of them downstairs with me to put in the various purses, once again, just in case.

I stuffed my pants pockets with tampons.  The non-applicator tampons are very tiny – only … maybe two inches long?  That meant I could fit a hell of a lot of them in my four pockets.  My intention, of course, was to transfer them to the purses downstairs.  I don't even remember now, what distracted me after I put the tampons in my various pockets and before I put them into a purse, but something did.

I completely forgot about them.

Sheesh, you would NOT believe the day I had yesterday.  I left the house in the morning and returned after 6 p.m.  I was in almost every major city in Orange County at some point during the day.  I drove, and I drove, and I met with people and talked, and had appointments, and blah, blah, blah.

I never did need those tampons.  My headache went away and I completely forgot all about my blessed, holier than thou, possibly approaching, celebration of womanhood.

I forgot, that is, until I was leaving my very last appointment of the day.  

"You dropped a few things," called out the male owner of my hair salon.

I was three feet out the door already.  I had just gotten the purple streak in my hair replaced with a blue streak.  (It's now a really pretty aqua!)

I was headed to my car, and extremely grateful my day was finally coming to an end.

I turned and looked at him questioningly.

I saw he already had something in his hand and he was closing the gap between the two of us as he picked up another …

Another tampon?

What the hell?

Instantly, my brain flashed on my chaotic morning and the many, many, tampons I had stuffed into my pockets.

Thank God, the salon owner is the most down to earth, nice, man I've ever encountered.  He handed me the two tampons he'd picked up.  I blushed, mumbled "thank you" while keeping my eyes diverted and walked to my car.

I know when I see him again, he'll pretend nothing ever happened.  How nice will that be?  He won't be awkward with me, or conversely overly familiar, now that he's had his hands all over my tampons.  Maybe he'll even give me a box of tampons as a gift one day now that he knows what brand I buy.

To be honest, I was almost too exhausted from my day to even care that a man I barely know was retrieving the trail of tampons I'd left behind me.

But then …

Then it hit me.

I had put two full handfuls of mini-tampons into my various pockets.

Not one of those tampons was still there.

My pockets were completely, one hundred percent, empty.

I got to my car.  I checked.  No tampons had fallen out of my pockets while I was in the car.

No, of course not.  The tampons only fall out of my pockets when I walk.

I must have left a trail of them behind me everywhere I went, all day long.

So, if you live in Orange County and you've been wanting to meet me?

Just follow the trail of my tampons …

It will lead you right to me.

© Twenty Four At Heart

63 Responses to “The Tale of My Tampons”

  1. Michelle

    I would…but I don’t even live in the US.
    That is soooo embarrassing. I remember dropping one in high school. I was kinda cool about it and picked it up, but the other girls with me screamed and didn’t let it pass unnoticed. Ugh, girly girls! I am so not one of them. 🙂

  2. Michelle

    I would…but I don’t even live in the US.
    That is soooo embarrassing. I remember dropping one in high school. I was kinda cool about it and picked it up, but the other girls with me screamed and didn’t let it pass unnoticed. Ugh, girly girls! I am so not one of them. 🙂

  3. Michelle

    I would…but I don’t even live in the US.
    That is soooo embarrassing. I remember dropping one in high school. I was kinda cool about it and picked it up, but the other girls with me screamed and didn’t let it pass unnoticed. Ugh, girly girls! I am so not one of them. 🙂

  4. Deidre

    All I can think about is the kind of house that you’re leading people to via a trail of tampons – dark chocolate, advil, tissues and romantic comedy house?

  5. Deidre

    All I can think about is the kind of house that you’re leading people to via a trail of tampons – dark chocolate, advil, tissues and romantic comedy house?

  6. Deidre

    All I can think about is the kind of house that you’re leading people to via a trail of tampons – dark chocolate, advil, tissues and romantic comedy house?

  7. Irish Gumbo

    (snort)(eep)
    Well…you seemed to handle it with a fair amount of grace. Good thing you were distracted until late in the day! 🙂
    P.S.: I had a friend who once did something similar with condoms. Oy.

  8. Irish Gumbo

    (snort)(eep)
    Well…you seemed to handle it with a fair amount of grace. Good thing you were distracted until late in the day! 🙂
    P.S.: I had a friend who once did something similar with condoms. Oy.

  9. Irish Gumbo

    (snort)(eep)
    Well…you seemed to handle it with a fair amount of grace. Good thing you were distracted until late in the day! 🙂
    P.S.: I had a friend who once did something similar with condoms. Oy.

  10. Cate

    Too too funny.
    And love your daffodil pics – your photography is getting better and better!

  11. Cate

    Too too funny.
    And love your daffodil pics – your photography is getting better and better!

  12. Cate

    Too too funny.
    And love your daffodil pics – your photography is getting better and better!

  13. Hallie

    So funny. Of course, haven’t needed one of those things (THANK THE LORD!) for over 12 years. Not even sure I would recognize one anymore!
    Hallie

  14. Hallie

    So funny. Of course, haven’t needed one of those things (THANK THE LORD!) for over 12 years. Not even sure I would recognize one anymore!
    Hallie

  15. Hallie

    So funny. Of course, haven’t needed one of those things (THANK THE LORD!) for over 12 years. Not even sure I would recognize one anymore!
    Hallie

  16. Pam

    You always crack me up! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  17. Pam

    You always crack me up! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  18. Pam

    You always crack me up! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  19. di

    So glad I don’t need those stupid things anymore. GAH! What a pain in the…. well you know.
    Blushing with embarrassment for you.
    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal

  20. di

    So glad I don’t need those stupid things anymore. GAH! What a pain in the…. well you know.
    Blushing with embarrassment for you.
    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal

  21. di

    So glad I don’t need those stupid things anymore. GAH! What a pain in the…. well you know.
    Blushing with embarrassment for you.
    Di
    The Blue Ridge Gal

  22. Jan

    I hadn’t had a visit from Aunt Flo in almost 4 months (there IS an upside to the whole menopause thing after all!!) when we stopped at a convenience store on our way to Cincinnati a couple of weeks ago. Once in the bathroom, I discovered my good luck had run out in more ways than one. No pads, no ‘pons in my purse. Well, I’m in a convenience store – buy some.
    One package on the shelf. One. Of huge, horrid bulky pads. Then I had to pay a pimple-faced 17-year-old boy for them, who didn’t have the decency to be embarrassed by my purchase, but who smirked and snickered as I made a beeline back to the bathroom.
    I can’t WAIT for the whole mess to be over.

  23. Jan

    I hadn’t had a visit from Aunt Flo in almost 4 months (there IS an upside to the whole menopause thing after all!!) when we stopped at a convenience store on our way to Cincinnati a couple of weeks ago. Once in the bathroom, I discovered my good luck had run out in more ways than one. No pads, no ‘pons in my purse. Well, I’m in a convenience store – buy some.
    One package on the shelf. One. Of huge, horrid bulky pads. Then I had to pay a pimple-faced 17-year-old boy for them, who didn’t have the decency to be embarrassed by my purchase, but who smirked and snickered as I made a beeline back to the bathroom.
    I can’t WAIT for the whole mess to be over.

  24. Jan

    I hadn’t had a visit from Aunt Flo in almost 4 months (there IS an upside to the whole menopause thing after all!!) when we stopped at a convenience store on our way to Cincinnati a couple of weeks ago. Once in the bathroom, I discovered my good luck had run out in more ways than one. No pads, no ‘pons in my purse. Well, I’m in a convenience store – buy some.
    One package on the shelf. One. Of huge, horrid bulky pads. Then I had to pay a pimple-faced 17-year-old boy for them, who didn’t have the decency to be embarrassed by my purchase, but who smirked and snickered as I made a beeline back to the bathroom.
    I can’t WAIT for the whole mess to be over.

  25. Kelly

    Hilarious! I wonder if people will save them for you? When you make return visits they might hand you a basket of tampons you previously dropped.

  26. Kelly

    Hilarious! I wonder if people will save them for you? When you make return visits they might hand you a basket of tampons you previously dropped.

  27. Kelly

    Hilarious! I wonder if people will save them for you? When you make return visits they might hand you a basket of tampons you previously dropped.

  28. Mama Mary

    Love this story! Sorry to be laughing at your chagrin but this is Funny. So something that would happen to me.

  29. Mama Mary

    Love this story! Sorry to be laughing at your chagrin but this is Funny. So something that would happen to me.

  30. Mama Mary

    Love this story! Sorry to be laughing at your chagrin but this is Funny. So something that would happen to me.

  31. Nancy P

    Ha ha ha. Yeah what Kelly said! You should retrace your steps. 🙂

  32. Nancy P

    Ha ha ha. Yeah what Kelly said! You should retrace your steps. 🙂

  33. Nancy P

    Ha ha ha. Yeah what Kelly said! You should retrace your steps. 🙂

  34. Amy in StL

    That’s hilarious. I love those little applicator-less ones because I can stash some in my desk at work and a couple in my purse. Everywhere I’ve worked there’s a lot of women who are past that age, but a lot of us who need to borrow supplies from each other.

  35. Amy in StL

    That’s hilarious. I love those little applicator-less ones because I can stash some in my desk at work and a couple in my purse. Everywhere I’ve worked there’s a lot of women who are past that age, but a lot of us who need to borrow supplies from each other.

  36. Amy in StL

    That’s hilarious. I love those little applicator-less ones because I can stash some in my desk at work and a couple in my purse. Everywhere I’ve worked there’s a lot of women who are past that age, but a lot of us who need to borrow supplies from each other.

  37. Angela

    Oh my god, this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read! I didn’t happen to see any rogue tampons around town, but I’m a little curious as to where they all ended up!

  38. Angela

    Oh my god, this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read! I didn’t happen to see any rogue tampons around town, but I’m a little curious as to where they all ended up!

  39. Angela

    Oh my god, this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read! I didn’t happen to see any rogue tampons around town, but I’m a little curious as to where they all ended up!

  40. Michelle Pixie

    Oh you must be the talk of the town today?! Bwahahahaha!
    I swear the funniest things happen in your world!

  41. Michelle Pixie

    Oh you must be the talk of the town today?! Bwahahahaha!
    I swear the funniest things happen in your world!

  42. Michelle Pixie

    Oh you must be the talk of the town today?! Bwahahahaha!
    I swear the funniest things happen in your world!

  43. mama llama

    Oh, I needed that giggle this morning…so sorry it was at your expense, 24! But I’ve been there..perhaps not with the QUANTITY of which you speak, but definitly have been there…
    Be well, 24.

  44. mama llama

    Oh, I needed that giggle this morning…so sorry it was at your expense, 24! But I’ve been there..perhaps not with the QUANTITY of which you speak, but definitly have been there…
    Be well, 24.

  45. mama llama

    Oh, I needed that giggle this morning…so sorry it was at your expense, 24! But I’ve been there..perhaps not with the QUANTITY of which you speak, but definitly have been there…
    Be well, 24.

  46. The Queen of Chaos

    I’m trying not to laugh hysterically, because if I do it will trigger an asthma attack and I will cough horrendously which will cause me to pee my pants because after 30+ days of having to wear depends because my bladder couldn’t handle the coughing i wanted a day without… oh and my head will pound even harder than it already is because I’m using those same little convenient tampons right now. i don’t even know you and i love you … you make me smile most days lol

  47. The Queen of Chaos

    I’m trying not to laugh hysterically, because if I do it will trigger an asthma attack and I will cough horrendously which will cause me to pee my pants because after 30+ days of having to wear depends because my bladder couldn’t handle the coughing i wanted a day without… oh and my head will pound even harder than it already is because I’m using those same little convenient tampons right now. i don’t even know you and i love you … you make me smile most days lol

  48. The Queen of Chaos

    I’m trying not to laugh hysterically, because if I do it will trigger an asthma attack and I will cough horrendously which will cause me to pee my pants because after 30+ days of having to wear depends because my bladder couldn’t handle the coughing i wanted a day without… oh and my head will pound even harder than it already is because I’m using those same little convenient tampons right now. i don’t even know you and i love you … you make me smile most days lol

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