I'm going through all sorts of head trips this week.
I really need your opinion and I hope you'll take the time to read through this whole post and then tell me what you think.
The reasons for my head trip(s) are many, but – in part – I'm blaming my new drugs.
Each week, for several weeks, I will be increasing my new (non-narcotic) medication until I get my body up to a full dose. It's supposed to make the nerves in my bum arm/shoulder calm down and stop telling my brain, "Oh shit – I feel horrible pain AGAIN!" Currently, my nerves do exactly that if anyone touches me or if I use my arm even the little bit I'm able. I'm told this is a result of all the damage and trauma from the car accident along with those six horrible surgeries which followed.
The side effects to this medication are many – which is why, I suppose, no one gave it to me sooner. I've been told it could take three months until my body gets used to it and the side effects disappear or lessen. It will take another couple weeks until the medication has built up enough in my body to even begin working.
In the meantime, as I've told you – I'm fighting unparalleled exhaustion throughout each day. One of the other potential side effects is clumsiness. So far, I haven't felt very clumsy but I do get waves of dizziness and I frequently feel off balance. I can see where dizziness and loss of balance could certainly lead to clumsiness.
"Whoa!" I say out loud, at least a few times each day, as the room begins to spin. A few minutes later it stops spinning and I go about my business until it takes off and spins again.
It must have felt a lot like this for those who were lucky enough to rock the sixties?! I've always wished I could have been an 18 – 20 year old during the sixties.
I'm very absent-minded lately too. I'm sure that's been apparent in the ADD-ish-ness of my writing. My brain keeps getting sidetracked.
It isn't operating on all cylinders right now.
Did you know, for instance, the word "clumsy" suddenly looks incredibly weird and ridiculous to me?
What a funny looking word!
Of course, all these side effects are exacerbated when I need to take (narcotic) pain meds in addition to the other medication which isn't, yet, working. I'm a one-woman entertainment show then.
Did that paragraph make sense?
I guess what I'm trying to say is I've got the "head trip" of all these drugs messing with me. I know I'm not thinking my clearest right now.
That's why I'm curious to know what you think about something that happened.
I went in for my first "PT session" with my new therapist, The Divine Ruler, yesterday. Last week I had an evaluation with her, but this time I was expecting a full physical therapy session.
In truth, we, again, did next to nothing.
Seriously, The Torturer would blush from embarrassment if he ever let me off that easy. In fact, I don't think The Torturer is physically capable of a session of such … nothingness.
Sadly, my arm is very sore despite the fact she barely touched it while I was there.
Yes, I AM a train car wreck – that's the whole point, isn't it?
In part, I think The Divine Ruler is trying to go easy on me until the new medication can build up in my system and start working.
I can understand that much even in my medicated, foggy, brain.
In fact, it's probably the best strategy. Even The Torturer told me I wouldn't be able to handle much of anything until the medication can build up in my system and begin working.
In talking to The Divine Ruler, something else became apparent. Something I wasn't expecting. Something I'm having a hard time accepting.
She doesn't believe I'll ever get any better.
Her exact words were, "I'm not trying to get your arm to work. I just want to keep it moving enough so it doesn't get worse."
I immediately questioned her regarding her statement, of course.
She sees me as the permanently disabled person I *suppose* I am.
The problem is, I don't see myself as permanently disabled.
Last week, she was all enthusiastic and she was quite sure she was going to be the one to "fix" me.
Apparently, she spent a week reviewing my medical records and now she seems to think her job is just to keep me from getting any worse.
Why am I having such a hard time with this?
Both intellectually, and emotionally?
It's really bothering me.
I mean, I have known for a long time I will never have a fully functioning arm again.
At the same time, I felt like The Torturer was fighting for me. I felt like my doctor was fighting for me. I felt like they were cheering me on, and at times – pushing me harder than I wanted to be pushed.
All in the hope for … more.
More use, more function – more normalcy.
Now, for the first time, I've encountered someone in the medical field who seems to think, "If your arm hasn't begun working in the last four years, it's never going to."
Is the problem that I prefer to live in denial?
Am I long overdue in accepting my disability?
Do I need to come to terms with reality?
Or should I expect a PT who fights for me?
Should I expect a PT who believes I can overcome the odds?
Am I kidding myself?
How deep in denial am I?
This is really, really, bothering me ….
What do you think?
© Twenty Four At Heart