Popcorn, Sex, and Twitter

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Some of you follow me on Twitter, and others of you don't.

Twitter is a different world where you get little bits of information here and there about people.  There are days when I'm not on Twitter much, and other days when I get quite chatty.

Lately, it seems like I've been on a bit of a roll.  Even if you do follow me on Twitter, chances are you haven't read all of my stellar 24 moments.

Here is an assortment of some recent and random tweets I thought might make you smile:

•  Do massive quantities of steroids make a person hungry? Because holy shit I just ate the entire couch!

•  Someone just asked me how much money I make. Don't most adults know better than to ask someone shit like that? Rude, rude, rude.

•  There is not enough coffee in the world for the first morning of the school year.

•  I swear to God, I can attract a pervert from 1,000 miles away.

•  Dear Newport Beach – You might be shallow, but you're sure pretty.

•  Driving down PCH because? I can.

•  My pain doc is not afraid to drop F bombs right and left when talking to me. Makes me laugh and it makes him real.

•  As in, "You really need a f*cking photo assistant." Ha! : )

•  In order to have a f*cking photo assistant, first I'd have to make some f*cking money selling my f*cking photos.

•  So Dr Painless & I also discussed the merits of implanting vibrating electrodes in me.

•  Do you really want to know what direction that conversation took?

•  I'm so filled with snark today I need to clamp my jaw shut to keep myself out of trouble.

•  An outright sexcicle. Sort of like a popsicle for sex. #WhatAmIsaying?

•  I'm walking around the house w/one boob hanging out and the other in my bra. Waiting for topical pain med to dry on my arm/shoulder.

•  There's nothing like a brand new tube of mascara to make a girl feel pretty. *flutters eyelashes*

•  Dear Money Town Car Wash – someone should make a sitcom out of you.

•  The bulb on my baster just popped and then exploded. #SoundsDirty #Cooking

•  My iPod is hissing at me. I take that as a very bad sign …

•  I wore an apron today for probably the first time in my life. A red one. Do you ever wear an apron? #TalkingAboutCookingNotSex

•  I love when "important" people visit my blog for the first time on a day when I'm discussing my friend's period. Sheeeeeeet!

•  Seriously asshole? I'm not giving you a text link on my blog for 30 bucks. Try again.

•  When you hug a physical therapist friend he will instantly appraise your bum arm whether you want him to or not. #OneArmedHugs

•  When I "clean" it involves a lot of shoving stuff into cupboards and drawers. #NotSoDomestic

•  Dear Drug Companies: Please make a steroid drug for pain that will not destroy my body and cause cancer. It will make you rich. Thanks.

•  My FIL who doesn't know about 24 or photo business suggested I might consider a career as a photographer since I "take good pictures" : )

•  Some guy kept taking pics of me down at the surf contest. Really weird. He must have been attracted to my big lens.

•  Uncontrollable and sudden urge for popcorn. We have NO popcorn in the house.

•  Told my husband I would do *anything* for popcorn but he isn't getting the hint!

•  Men? You are so dense sometimes. Sex for a popcorn run is a good DEAL!!

•  He's watching football. I don't think he hears what I'm proposing ….

•  He's searching the pantry for popcorn. He still DOESN'T GET what I'm saying.

•  OK I finally said, "SEX FOR POPCORN" and he said "What?" Now he's getting his wallet and going to the store.

•  Guess I'm getting laid tonight. Sheesh … the work you men makes us go through! : )

•  The popcorn is popping – and that's not a euphenism

•  Buttering the popcorn …. #SoundsSoDirty

•  He doesn't know I'm on twitter. Did I mention I added salt?

[Thus began a flurry of sex/popcorn jokes for a few days on Twitter]

•  Wearing my body brace for my arm/shoulder. I look like a stuffed boobless sausage. #Sexxaay #NotAtAllActually

•  On the other hand, do sausages EVER have boobs? I think not.

•  I'm tweeting with a surfing dog. What has become of my life?

•  My husband & I are arguing over the thermostat. This f*cking body brace makes me hot. He says it's freezing and I'm sweating. Ugh!

•  I just told him Twitter thinks he should put on a sweater. It must be very exasperating to be married to me. : )

•  OK, I just took my brace off and guess what? It's freezing in this house! #PoorMan #NotMyFault #BraceIsLikeAwetsuit

•  I think I'm a pain in the ass tonight. Now I wigged out over a big hairy spider in the shower and made him kill it  #SpidersHaveTooManyLegs

•  Something bit me. Repeatedly. And no, it was not my husband.

•  There are few things in life as nasty as eating a rotten nut #ThatsWhatSheSaid

•  I don't understand men who "expose" themselves. Do they really think we want to see their winky-dink?

© Twenty Four At Heart

8 Responses to “Popcorn, Sex, and Twitter”

  1. Maggie

    I think I need to spend more time on Twitter, waiting for tweets from you. This would keep me laughing all day!

  2. Rob

    It’s been awhile since you’ve referenced your husband. I was becoming worried. Or Curious.
    Popcorn. Popcorn?!
    If it was always that simple then men wouldn’t seem so clueless. (It can be hard to figure out what a women wants…)
    Popcorn. Popcorn beats football every time.
    He wants to make love to you And doesn’t want to hurt you.

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