In the last two days, two couples I know have informed me they're divorcing.
I don't know if I can even tally up all the couples I know who have announced they're ending their marriages over the last couple months. There seems to be an epidemic of divorcing couples in my circle of friends and acquaintances.
The fact so many couples are choosing to divorce, doesn't make it any less painful for my friends who are going through it.
Basically, in the article a woman said she "saved" her marriage by "ignoring" her husband's request to end the marriage. She said she decided to "not take it personally" when he announced he didn't love her, and perhaps never had.
The author stated that for four months her husband "became unreliable" and would come home late, and not bother to call. He completely ignored her birthday (failing to even utter the words "happy birthday") and blew off holiday weekends. If he talked to her at all, he avoided eye contact and acted distant.
I don't know what your take is on the above information, but to me it says "affair." (Not that it really matters because, regardless, he was being a shithead.)
The author said she "waited it out" and compared her marital strategy on how a parent would react to a child's tantrum. Eventually, her husband decided to stay in the marriage. She tried to prove to the reader she's not a doormat personality, by informing us she's "handy" with a chain saw. (??)
She wrote the essay "to help other people" by sharing her advice/story.
I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to list off some of my immediate thoughts on the above and then I'd love to hear what you think.
1. Why does it seem, men who are having affairs ALWAYS say the exact same thing? They all use the same wording, "I don't love you and I don't know if I ever have" - and/or "I haven't in years." (And no, the author of the article never does disclose if her husband had an affair, but it does seem implied in her writing.)
2. Many people walk away too quickly from their marriages. I think this is one of the points the author was trying to make, and I agree with her.
3. Many other people stay way too long in loveless/unhealthy marriages they should leave.
4. Marriage needs to be based on mutual respect, and in the author's account of her marriage I don't see where her husband had (has?) any respect for her, whatsoever. (And to be honest, it doesn't seem like she has much respect for him either from the tone of her writing.)
5. If she's so handy with a chain saw, why didn't she use it?
6. Just kidding about number 5. Sorta …
7. I don't believe a spouse just decides one day, with no previous warning, to walk out. There are warning signs – we just sometimes prefer to live in denial and not see them.
8. What about marriage counseling as an option instead of a) waving as he walks out the door or b) accepting being treated like shit "for the sake of" saving your family. Your family will always be your family – even if you divorce. Both parents may not live in the same house as the children, but those kids still have a mother and father who love them.
9. Why did she want someone who treated her so poorly? Where is her self respect?
10. The author repeatedly states her husband's actions weren't about her, but about his own midlife crisis. I'm not discounting the fact that men (and women) can go through midlife crises, but really? She doesn't accept any responsibility, at all, for anything negative in her marriage. I'm sorry, but there are two people in a marriage and I have yet to meet a single person who is relationship-perfect every minute of every day.
Okay, now it's your turn.
What do you think?
© Twenty Four At Heart