So, I was staring at my blank laptop screen thinking to myself, "Do I tell my readers friends about THIS or do I tell them about THAT today? Or maybe I should come right out and tell them THE STORY ABOUT YOU KNOW WHAT instead?"
The thing is, I'm not good at bluffing my way through anything.
My stomach is in knots.
The situation is this:
1) I've been having a really bad pain flare-up. Except, I don't know if you call it a "flare-up" when my arm/shoulder/adjoining parts have hurt like hell ever since the removal of my temporary arm implant. It has NOT been fun.
I guess my body didn't like that whole implant in/implant out of my arm process. The positive aspect of all this pain is it makes me feel quite sure I want to go through with Surgery #8. If my arm was feeling better, I'd probably be having a zillion doubts about the surgery.
2) I normally, no matter what, only allow myself (at most) one pain pill a day. If I took them whenever I'm hurting I'd have become addicted a long time ago. The only exceptions (in my imaginary book of pain med rules) are right after surgeries or when I get to the point where I feel like throwing things because I'm literally "losing it" from pain. (Like when I got back from Boston last summer – ugh!)
By the way, these are my personal rules, not my doctor's. He's quite comfortable with me taking more pain meds than I do, but I'm not comfortable with it. This last week I've been taking TWO pain pills a day … still not a lot by my doctor's standards but it's enough to mess with my concentration for writing.
3) Next Tuesday is my 24th birthday, again. This upcoming birthday is contributing to the knots in my stomach. I'm not a big fan of my own birthdays. I usually host a giveaway on my birthday, but this year I have to postpone the giveaway.
4) The above photo is not an intentional cleavage shot. It's not easy to take your own photo with one working arm. It's also not easy for me to NOT have cleavage. I needed a little photoshop help with the eye bags wrinkles in celebration of my almost 24th birthday. Photoshop is cheaper than plastic surgery, I suppose.
5) In case Halloween weekend wasn't already busy enough, Briefcase has told me he's whisking me away on Saturday night as an early birthday celebration. I'll tell you (almost) all about it next week. *wink*
6) My birthday is next TUESDAY and my surgery is at 6 a.m. on WEDNESDAY. (Stomach knots, stomach knots …. aaack!) And yes, the surgery is the reason why I'm postponing my usual birthday giveaway. I'll be in no shape to pick a winner or get a prize/gift out.
7) The holidays are really (!!) important to me and with Surgery #8, and a two month recovery, ahead of me I'm already having some a lot of anxiety about how I'm going to do everything this year. (stomach knots!)
8) I'm not looking forward to putting my life on hold again due to another surgery. I wouldn't be going forward with the whole thing if I didn't believe the outcome will be positive, but still …. I have to do this again?? Dread! (stomach knots, stomach knots!!)
9) I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm scared. I've been to hell before, and I don't want to go back. I don't think (??) this surgery will be as bad as what I've gone through in the past, but my doctor has led me to believe it isn't going to be easy. (So many stomach knots!)
10) I apologize for whining and sharing all my anxieties with you. Thank you for letting me vent. I know, in my brain, everything will be fine. My doctor is ranked #1 in the world for this procedure. I couldn't be in better hands. Unfortunately, knowing he's a great doctor doesn't make the fear and anxiety go away. (I think a lot of the emotions involved are tied to the not-so-distant memories of the last seven surgeries!)
P.S. Yesterday I got a pre-surgery pedicure and my toenails are now polished with OPI's William Tell Me About It. I love it! Now, I just need to find panties to match so I don't clash on surgery day! (Do other people think about things like panty/toenail polish clashing for surgeries??)
P.P.S. Sorry for overdoing the parentheses and exclamation points and blah, blah, blahing in this post!! (( !! ?? ))
P.P.P.S. I hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween weekend!
© Twenty Four At Heart