Logically, I know it really doesn't make sense.
And yet, I understand why. I have memories, lots and lots of bad, very painful, memories. They're rushing through my mind no matter how much I try to make them stop.
The never-ending car accident saga continues ….
Last week I, finally, got notification my insurance had approved the first of two spinal stimulator implant surgeries. The surgery date got changed a few times. Then I was out of state for a few days. When I returned Sunday night there was a message my first (actually seventh!) arm/shoulder surgery is scheduled for Wednesday at 6 a.m.
As in – today!
Briefcase is out of town, of course.
I've been frantically making arrangements to provide transportation for my youngest son for the next couple days. (This happens to be MY week to drive morning carpool, etc., etc.) To say I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off (trying to make all the "necessary pre-surgery arrangements") doesn't come close to describing the frantic pace of the last two days.
Stress – aack!
As for my transportation?
I'm driving TO the surgery in a limo.
I kid you not!
How OC is THAT?
And no, I don't normally use limousines for transportation.
My husband's employer frequently uses a local driving service and I begged them for a 5 a.m. ride to the surgery center. (Yes, I DO have to pay them but they don't normally do small jaunts like this.)
What does this morning's limo ride to my surgery mean?
1. My life is pathetic.
2. You can't ask even the best of friends to be up before 5 a.m.
3. My life is pathetic.
4. There are no taxis near Money Town.
5. My life is pathetic.
Nike will be waiting for me once I'm done and she'll bring me home. She's the best. I owe her eternal gratitude.
This surgery is considered a "trial" of the electrodes. They're surgically placed in my body on a temporary basis. The second, more permanent (and more extensive), surgery will not take place unless this one is successful. Successful means an approximate 50% reduction in pain. The goal is not to be pain-free (that would be unrealistic at this point, I suppose), but to be able to live my life more comfortably, with the need for fewer drugs and with less intense pain flare-ups.
I've been told I will be "out of it" from the sedation a good deal of today, and sore from the surgery itself "for awhile."
It's times like these when I wish I had a "normal" marriage with a husband who, you know – was here for important moments in my life like surgeries.
I know, I've been through surgeries much worse than this. This is the more minor, first, step of this process. Logically, I know all of these facts … but still – fear has tied my stomach in knots.
It's the idea of the surgery center, the sedation (gag!), the inevitable post-surgical pain … ugh!
Last time I saw Dr. Painless he asked, "Nervous?" and I calmly replied, "Not at all."
I think he was surprised at how calm I was.
Oh, if he could see me now …!
I was perfectly calm THEN. I was perfectly calm when the insurance approval first came in.
I'm a stressed-out basket case!
This is the easier of the upcoming two surgeries … I know that.
No big deal, right?
If this procedure is successful, it could make a huge quality of life improvement for me.
I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but –
Please send good thoughts …
And would you mind holding my hand?
* I'll try to give you an update on how it went, here on 24, later today. At the very least, I will post something on Twitter. This is an outpatient surgery, I'll be home resting this afternoon. I do intend to have a post up tomorrow, although it might be brief and written under the influence of pain meds. *
© Twenty Four At Heart