I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On

I have good news and bad news today.

The good news is I only took 1/2 of a pain pill yesterday.  

Woot!

Granted, I'm not using my arm a whole lot yet, but still …!  My arm, post-surgery, is weaker than its "normal" weak state.  I'm doing daily arm stretches and exercises I learned (once upon a time) at PT.  I'm trying to use it as much as I can – and then a bit more so I regain strength in it.  I know I have good and bad days ahead of me, but right now I'm ecstatic.  

Five weeks post-Make Me A Bionic Woman/Cyborg Surgery and I only needed half of a pain pill!

The bad news is I gained a shitload of weight from the prednisone.  I'm going to get on the scale today to see exactly how much, but my skinny jeans don't fit.  (And how can I wear my new boots if I don't fit in my skinny jeans?)

Ugh!  I know my body and it's very difficult for me to lose weight – I have a lot of work, and a long road ahead of me to get back to where I was before Allergic-Reaction-Surgery#8  happened. 

But I will.

In other news, the conversation around me is nonstop weird.

I overheard my son tell a friend the other day he'd have to wait for a ride home.  
"I think my mom's turning herself on in the other room right now."

A twitter friend suggested Briefcase might unplug me while I slept if he ever gets mad at me.  (Um, he can't – the wires aren't accessible except to a surgeon.)

Nike asked if she could watch me get turned on over a glass of wine.  (I let her; we've been friends forever.)

Without a second thought, I've personally said the following in the last two weeks:

•  I just malfunctioned.

•  I'm changing my frequency.

•  I just gave myself an error message, now what?

•  My bras straps are causing electrical interference. 

•  I rebooted myself and got turned on.

•  I'm wondering where my tingle went.  

•  I now have to carry a medical ID card so no one de-magnetizes me.

•  I have a low battery.  No, really I do.

•  I suppose I have a lot of intimate TSA pat downs ahead of me?

•  I'll be right back, I need to turn myself back on.

•  I think I need to re-balance my electrodes.

•  There's a computer in my stomach.

•  It's time to recharge my battery.

•  I'm going to turn up the intensity next time I turn myself on.

•  I have a personal stimulator running inside me.

And last but not least …

I asked Romeo the following:

"Do I have to take my pants off to do it?  Or can you turn me on right through my clothes?"

(By the way, he can turn me on right through my clothes.)

© Twenty Four At Heart

14 Responses to “I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On”

  1. Loz

    First time visitor and I’ve read a few back posts to find out your story. I love your sense of humour and self deprecation. Keep it up

  2. Lori

    I am glad to hear that you are getting stronger and healing. I know all about gaining weight due to health crap and know all about how hard it is to lose too. Damn it!! Keep up the sense of humor…thanks for the Thursday morning smiles. 🙂 XX

  3. Joanne

    guys that can turn you on right through your clothes are few and far between! lucky you!!!

  4. yvonne nc

    I’m so glad you went to the pain DR. They are wonderful and saviors of sanity. And your one-liners? Too funny!

  5. Jan

    YAY for being down to 1/2 a pain pill already! Woot! Woot! Are you finally through with the Prednisone?
    And you KNOW the first thing I’m gonna ask when we finally meet face to face is if you’ll let me watch you turn yourself on.

  6. linda

    OMG! Girl, you have me in stitches! LOL! Hanging out with you has got to be a riot! You are too too funny!
    Glad this surgery is working just like they said it would. 1/2 a pain pill! Thats awesome!

  7. Missy

    I just want to welcome Loz to some of the funniest and most heartwarming writing she will read, and what took you so long!

  8. Pam

    I’m glad you are progressing so quickly! And I like that Romeo can do his work with your clothes on! LOL!!!

  9. Michelle Pixie

    Yay for only a half of the pain pill! Very exciting!!
    As for the rest I am too busy laughing to say much of anything right now but I am glad you didn’t have to take your pants off for Romeo!

  10. sandi

    i am so happy this contraption is working so well. It’s giving us readers hours of fun too. WIN WIN!

  11. Jack

    If you are really lucky he has a remote control that he can use from anywhere. 😉

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