Signs My Hormones *Might* Be Changing

* I love you, male readers, but you're not going to want to read this post!  Please come back and visit again tomorrow!  xo

Ok, first of all, let's just be honest.

Women's hormones are always changing, even before our first period.  Our gender is screwed by forces out of our control.  

Basically, we're fucked the moment our ovaries develop in utero.

Remember, a couple months ago when I told you there was a shortage of tampons?

Later that same week, I saw my favorite brand of tampons back in the stores and I decided to stock up on them.  (There were rumors they were being discontinued.)  I might have gone a little overboard by buying enough to last me another two years.  Stop laughing … I was very focused at the time.

I haven't had a period since.

No kidding.

I have a cupboard filled with a two year supply of tampons and I'm pregnant.

Oh wait …???

I've had a period every 28 days since I was barely 11 years old.  (My three pregnancies being the only exception.)  My body is like clockwork ….

So, what the hell?

"I just went through menopause," I announced to Briefcase when my period was a week late.

"What?" he asked skeptically.  

"Menopause.  I went through it last week while you were gone," I answered.

He raised one eye questioningly, grabbed a beer, and wisely hid behind the newspaper.

"Maybe we're going to have a BABY!" I suddenly exclaimed wide-eyed.

(long silent pause)

"A BABY!" I said again, in case he hadn't heard me.  "That's why my jeans are so tight!"

I instantly began worrying about my unborn fourth child, and what my three existing kids might think about a sibling so much younger than themselves.  Baby names started popping into my head at an alarming rate.

"Um, Suzanne?  Do you remember having your tubes tied?" Briefcase asked questioningly.  "It was around fifteen years ago …?"

"Oh, that's right," I frowned.  I absently tugged on my too-tight jeans as I pondered the idea I might simply be – fat. 

Clearly, that is not an acceptable possibility.

"My tubes must have grown back together!" I announced suddenly.  

Briefcase gave me a panicked look, then sighed, and shook his head no.

(He seems to do that a lot around me.)

I turned to Doctor Google and began muttering out loud as I read.

  •  I haven't had any night sweats – it can't be menopause.

  •  I'm (so!) lacking "mental clarity" – it must be menopause.

  •  I haven't had any hot flashes – it can't be menopause.

Here are my symptoms:

I've been getting a lot of headaches and they seem hormone related.  (Meaning they're the kind of headache I often get when I'm PMS-ing.)  But maybe they're related to my arm/shoulder/neck injuries instead?   

The music I chose, and put on my own iPod, is irritating the hell out of me.

On Tuesday I woke up with a pimple on the left side of my nose.

By Friday it was gone, but I had a new one on the right side of my nose.

On Sunday, I stared in the mirror, horrified, as I watched mustache hairs sprout out of my face right before my eyes.

I'm completely lacking in energy.  I'm considering a full time job as a couch. (Or just, perhaps, taking a nap – whatever!)

I'm craving carbs (especially chocolate!) just like I do when I'm PMS-y-ish, but no period.

I cried a ridiculous amount at a sad movie the other night.  I always cry at sad movies, but not as much as I did at this one.  (Broken hearts are a tragedy, let's all sob out loud together and hold hands while we do it!)

I seem to be going through some sort of I don't know what I want to be when I grow up crisis.  Also?  How did my life turn out like this, what the hell?

I suddenly don't know who the frumpy lady in the mirror is, but I wish she would give the old me back.

So Internet, what do you think?

Am I pregnant?

Am I perimenopausal … whatever that is?

Or maybe I really did have a one week jump into full blown menopause?  Is that even possible?  Without any hot flashes/night sweats … anything?

© Twenty Four At Heart

22 Responses to “Signs My Hormones *Might* Be Changing”

  1. karen

    Oh, Suzanne… welcome to the club!!! On all accounts!!! I’m determined to get some of the real me back. *sigh*

    Reply
  2. Di

    Or you could just be certifiably going nuts? No wait…. that’s ME! Get some good tweezers, you’ll be yanking black hairs out of your chin daily… LOL
    LOL

    Reply
  3. unmitigated me

    My peri-m. was marked by irregular, very heavy periods. You aren’t considered menopausal until you have gone a year without periods! Like me.

    Reply
  4. Suzanne Young

    I am feeling the same pain as you! Good God! I am 53 years old and still having regular periods, which frankly is getting to be real drag. I haven’t had my tubes tied (instead the husband had “the procedure”) and the thought that if I wanted to get pregnant, it is entirely possible. I am also wishing menopause would just begin becauseI really do miss being able to remember things. Sigh…

    Reply
  5. Joanne

    I just turned 59 and bought a convertible for my birthday! (try to go right into mid-life crisis, i.e. retail therapy)

    Reply
  6. Erica

    Large, regular doses of ibuprofen can stop your period. Maybe you’ve been taking that or something that has a similar effect.

    Reply
  7. Kat

    My mom thought she was pregnant at the same time as me, turns out it was perimenopause. Thank goodness I don’t think I could have handled a sibling 24 years younger than me.

    Reply
  8. Ginger

    I don’t think there is any real “start” and “stop” to menopause. I think it is a long, slow, miserable period that lasts twice as long as puberty, and just when you think it’s all over – ta da! it comes back.
    I am now 53. For the past 4 or 5 years, in my never-ending search to find out what’s “wrong” with me, I learned that there are 38 different symptoms of menopause. So far, I have had 36 of them… but thankfully at different times, not all at once.
    Right now, I have no hot flashes waking me up. I do not have the constantly itching skin (all over). My eyelids are not constantly twitching. No, right now the symptom of the month seems to be MENOPAUSAL ACNE.
    Even when I was a teenager, I honestly NEVER had zits in the places I have them now. And trust me on this: do NOT attempt to use the strident pads and clearasil-type products that worked when you were 13! You will look like you are 90 years old (with acne!)

    Reply
  9. Michelle

    I’ve had similar stuff going on and I’m 30. I know your only “24″ but … WTF??

    Reply
  10. Kati

    Seriously, you might want to buy a pregnancy test just to make sure ….

    Reply
  11. Freda

    This is a wonderful piece about what is possibly/probably the menopause. What a great attitude to have. My trouble is that it goes on for so many years!

    Reply
  12. Joan

    I always had headaches when I had my periods. Then I started to get them when I ovulated too. Then I started to get migraines several times a month. The ten years preceding my menopause were hell. Somewhere before my one-year anniversary, the migraines went away! That’s a winning trade-off as far as I’m concerned. I guess I’ll just have to accept the occasional hot flash as the lesser of two evils!

    Reply
  13. annie

    Well, the hot flashes and night sweats don’t always rear their ugly head right away. Be patient young menopause master, soon you will feel the force……

    Reply
  14. Liz Tee

    I’ve heard hot flashes called “power surges”. :) You’ve got a year before you can call it officially done. I hope this is as bad as it gets for you!
    Also, I now understand why all of a sudden I am having problems with zits again. I’m 51 so I must be getting close… I hope!

    Reply
  15. dogmother

    Welcome, and enjoy the ride! Nothing makes sense during this wonderful transition. Pimples plus unsightly facial hair. Everybody and everything is irritating. You will look for reasons to cry (unknowingly). Vag goes Sahara. Jeans don’t fit. Cannot get enough food. Period, no period, period, no period, period, period, period, period….repeat.

    Reply
  16. Pseudo

    I’m not much help on this front. I got fast forwarded into menopause from chemo five years ago. It was a bitch, but there was so much other shit that it all just blended in…. Happy now to be free from years of working through it though.

    Reply
  17. Alexis from MN

    Okay well – I’do check with my doctor but I happen to like my OB/GYN so…..there’s THAT. If you don’t like your OB/GYN you could always opt to check in with an endocrinologist. I think there are appropriate blood tests that can be run but I could be wrong about that. I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV or on the internet!
    One thing I do know though is that my mother had her tubes tied after her previous five pregnancies. At the time they didn’t cauterize the ends they just snipped and tied.
    Voila! Here I am – post tubal ligation!! As a result I’ve always carried this sense of imposing on people…and I let my mother know that at every given opportunity! She of course never hesitated to tell me I was born to be born!
    After me – she got those suckers RE-cut, RE-tied and cauterized because she learned the hard way you just can NEVER be too sure! LOL

    Reply
  18. Jan

    Linda, here I am.
    You have NO idea how sorry I am I missed this post yesterday.
    All I can say is, put a couple of tampons in your purse, because your next period will come upon you at the MOST inconvenient, unexpected time – it is one of the first laws of perimenopause. I also agree with Di – purchase a GOOD pair of tweezers. And give your self time – you’ll be sweating, burning, and cursing with the rest of us.
    Welcome to the club, dear!!

    Reply

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