* I love you, male readers, but you're not going to want to read this post! Please come back and visit again tomorrow! xo
Ok, first of all, let's just be honest.
Women's hormones are always changing, even before our first period. Our gender is screwed by forces out of our control.
Basically, we're fucked the moment our ovaries develop in utero.
Remember, a couple months ago when I told you there was a shortage of tampons?
Later that same week, I saw my favorite brand of tampons back in the stores and I decided to stock up on them. (There were rumors they were being discontinued.) I might have gone a little overboard by buying enough to last me another two years. Stop laughing … I was very focused at the time.
I haven't had a period since.
I have a cupboard filled with a two year supply of tampons and I'm pregnant.
Oh wait …???
I've had a period every 28 days since I was barely 11 years old. (My three pregnancies being the only exception.) My body is like clockwork ….
So, what the hell?
"I just went through menopause," I announced to Briefcase when my period was a week late.
"What?" he asked skeptically.
"Menopause. I went through it last week while you were gone," I answered.
He raised one eye questioningly, grabbed a beer, and wisely hid behind the newspaper.
"Maybe we're going to have a BABY!" I suddenly exclaimed wide-eyed.
(long silent pause)
"A BABY!" I said again, in case he hadn't heard me. "That's why my jeans are so tight!"
I instantly began worrying about my unborn fourth child, and what my three existing kids might think about a sibling so much younger than themselves. Baby names started popping into my head at an alarming rate.
"Um, Suzanne? Do you remember having your tubes tied?" Briefcase asked questioningly. "It was around fifteen years ago …?"
"Oh, that's right," I frowned. I absently tugged on my too-tight jeans as I pondered the idea I might simply be – fat.
Clearly, that is not an acceptable possibility.
"My tubes must have grown back together!" I announced suddenly.
Briefcase gave me a panicked look, then sighed, and shook his head no.
(He seems to do that a lot around me.)
I turned to Doctor Google and began muttering out loud as I read.
• I haven't had any night sweats – it can't be menopause.
• I'm (so!) lacking "mental clarity" – it must be menopause.
• I haven't had any hot flashes – it can't be menopause.
Here are my symptoms:
I've been getting a lot of headaches and they seem hormone related. (Meaning they're the kind of headache I often get when I'm PMS-ing.) But maybe they're related to my arm/shoulder/neck injuries instead?
The music I chose, and put on my own iPod, is irritating the hell out of me.
On Tuesday I woke up with a pimple on the left side of my nose.
By Friday it was gone, but I had a new one on the right side of my nose.
On Sunday, I stared in the mirror, horrified, as I watched mustache hairs sprout out of my face right before my eyes.
I'm completely lacking in energy. I'm considering a full time job as a couch. (Or just, perhaps, taking a nap – whatever!)
I'm craving carbs (especially chocolate!) just like I do when I'm PMS-y-ish, but no period.
I cried a ridiculous amount at a sad movie the other night. I always cry at sad movies, but not as much as I did at this one. (Broken hearts are a tragedy, let's all sob out loud together and hold hands while we do it!)
I seem to be going through some sort of I don't know what I want to be when I grow up crisis. Also? How did my life turn out like this, what the hell?
I suddenly don't know who the frumpy lady in the mirror is, but I wish she would give the old me back.
So Internet, what do you think?
Am I pregnant?
Am I perimenopausal … whatever that is?
Or maybe I really did have a one week jump into full blown menopause? Is that even possible? Without any hot flashes/night sweats … anything?
© Twenty Four At Heart