Yesterday I saw Dr. Painless for the first time in three months.
Can we all say hallelujah and sing hymns?
In the time since my car accident, I've never gone that long without seeing some sort of specialist for my bionic arm/shoulder/blah blah blah injuries.
We'll ignore the one or two Dr. Painless phone calls that might have taken place over those three months, because having no (!) doctor visits is cause for celebration.
(We'll also ignore the fact that Dr. Painless has decided he needs to see me more frequently again – and that I left his office with SIX new prescriptions.)
Instead of telling you about THAT, I'm going to bitch about The Most Obnoxious Woman Ever.
She was in Dr. Painless's waiting room (or is it Dr. Painless'?? I feel like a snake with me esssses all confused! Also, I might be on new drugs!)
In any case, she was there and she was LOUD. It was not her first visit to see Dr. Painless. She made it very clear to everyone she had been in to see him several times before.
Dr. Painless has a very big waiting room and we all heard about her "painful menstrual cycles" and her lawsuit against her employer who wanted her to work anyway. She went on, and on, and ON about the lawsuit.
The Most Obnoxious Woman Ever (better known as, TMOWE) would not stop talking for a second. No one was safe, because everyone could hear her.
In case you were wondering …
SHE HAS PAINFUL MENSTRUAL CYCLES AND SHE JUST CAN'T DO A THING WHEN SHE'S IN PAIN. ALL SHE CAN DO IS SIT IN HER CHAIR OR STAY IN BED! IT WAS REALLY HARD JUST TO COME TO THE DOCTOR TODAY BECAUSE SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.
Don't get me wrong, the pain from my car accident (and subsequent bazillion eight surgeries) has made me very empathetic towards people who live with severe pain. I want to apologize to every single one of them and say, "Forgive me for not fully understanding before what it's really like."
Because you know what?
No one can understand debilitating pain unless they've gone through something really terrible.
But this woman?
I felt like slapping her in the face.
I know, I know … I'm not a very nice person sometimes.
I'm sure she DOES experience pain, and I'm sorry.
The other people in that waiting room?
Those people have cancer eating them alive, are missing limbs, or have bionic parts.
None of us were feeling love for the woman with cramps.
And please don't write me and tell me how painful your cramps are, because I'm sure they are.
I watched the receptionist use every ounce of restraint to deal with The Most Obnoxious Woman Ever. She nodded noncommittally when TMOWE told her every detail of her lawsuit and even MORE details about her periods.
(Have I mentioned The Most Obnoxious Woman Ever was very, very, LOUD?)
Finally, TMOWE was ushered into a room and everyone in the waiting area sighed with relief.
A few minutes later I was ushered into the treatment room right next to hers.
I would confess to eavesdropping, but I DON'T THINK IT'S CALLED EAVESDROPPING WHEN SOMEONE IS YELLING LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE ENTIRE BUILDING TO HEAR. (Although, maybe it was eavesdropping when I strained to hear the responses Dr. Painless gave her?)
I might have snickered a little as she went through her entire routine again about her LAWSUIT and her CRAMPS.
Here's a recap of the rest of their conversation:
TMOWE: ALSO, MY KNEE HURTS WHEN I HAVE MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE.
"Your knee?" inquired Dr. Painless.
TMOWE: YES, MY KNEE – IT ONLY HURTS WHEN I HAVE MY PERIOD. ALSO, CAN YOU BELIEVE MY LAWYER DIDN'T CONSIDER THIS REAL PAIN?? I'M GOING TO FIRE HIM AND FIND A LAWYER WHO UNDERSTANDS.
"Did you make an appointment with the gynecologist I referred you too?" Dr. Painless asked.
TMOWE: I'VE BEEN MEANING TO BUT I'D RATHER COME SEE YOU, DR. PAINLESS.
"You need to call her," Dr. Painless insisted.
And then ….
Dr. Painless told The Most Obnoxious Woman Ever to go for a walk.
I laughed. (I was in a separate room and I couldn't help myself.)
TMOWE: I DON'T THINK I CAN WALK. I CAN'T DO THAT. I HAVE MENSTRUAL PAIN.
"Do you walk around your house?" asked Dr. Painless.
TMOWE: WELL, OF COURSE! I WALK AROUND MY HOUSE A LOT.
"Did you walk from the parking lot to see me today?" he asked.
(Aside: The parking lot isn't right next to the office.)
TMOWE: YES, BUT MY TOES HURT.
"Your toes?" Dr. Painless asked incredulously.
TMOWE: MY TOES HURT WHEN I HAVE MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE.
I might have laughed again.
"Your toes probably hurt because you aren't using them. You need to get some exercise," Dr. Painless answered matter of factly.
TMOWE: I DON'T LIKE EXERCISE.
"You need to exercise. Try walking around the block when you get home today."
TMOWE: I DON'T THINK I CAN.
"I think you can."
TMOWE: … mumble, mumble … TOES!
"Walk past three houses and then come home. Each day walk a little further. You could benefit with some movement," encouraged Dr. Painless.
TMOWE: … silence, mumble, mumble, silence …
The Most Obnoxious Woman Ever had finally been quieted.
Kudos Dr. Painless!
(I didn't even hear her leave.)
© Twenty Four At Heart