Before I get started on today's post, I have to ask if you saw the moon last night?
It was so pretty.
Watching the "moon rises" over the mountain is one of my favorite things about where I live.
You'll have to excuse me if I'm a little cranky in the next day or two.
Clear liquids (water and tea, etc.) only.
For two days!
I'm also more than a little anxious (in other words DREADING) having a colonoscopy on Thursday.
How gross, right?
I've been having stomach issues for some time. I'm sure it's just stress. (I have things going on in my life – who doesn't?)
My doc suggested I have a colonoscopy just to make sure nothing weird's going on.
Have I ever mentioned my husband works in the medical field?
He knows every Dr. Important in the United States, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, etc., etc.
So this is what's going to happen …
I'll be fasting for two days.
I'll be drinking HORRIBLE STUFF on Wednesday night, and again on Thursday morning.
I'll be flushing a lot on both days (and possibly playing Angry Birds and/or Tiny Wings while sitting on a toilet).
(Is that more than you wanted to know??)
On Thursday afternoon one of my husband's friends will be sticking a camera up my ass.
Yes, someone my husband goes out to Important Dinners with will be giving me The Ultimate Anal Probe.
That won't be at all awkward now, will it?
Can't you just picture their next dinner out at some big fancy restaurant?
Dr. Important will say (as he munches on a chicken wing clam), "So Briefcase, I couldn't help but notice your wife has a Brazilian. Do you like it?"
And Briefcase will nonchalantly reply, "Well, Dr. Important, it works for me."
Speaking of the state of my hoo haa (which is exactly what we're doing right now), it just so happens I'm currently overdue for my monthly waxing. My waxing salon is booked up until next week. I will be crotch-to-face with Dr. Important … looking a little, um, unkempt.
How much worse can it get?
I mean, as if having a camera stuck up your ass by your husband's FRIEND isn't bad enough!
I keep imagining my conversation with Dr. Important during this "procedure."
Dr. Important: "Well, Twenty Four, would you like to join Briefcase and I for dinner at the Ritz Carlton next time we go?"
"Um, gee, no thanks Dr. Important. I'd hate to put a DAMPer on the conversation."
Dr. Important: "Well, we'll miss you. On the other hand, maybe you could use that time alone to tidy up your snatch a little."
(Yes, these are the type of things I REALLY DO think about!)
Now, I know someone will ask why I have to fast for TWO days – instead of the normal ONE day. It's a result of a combination of factors, none of which really matter. The only reason I mention it at all is because I've been blogging for long enough to know at least one person will write in and say, "I had a colonoscopy and only had to fast for ONE day."
I'm sure that's very true.
But, in my case, there are reasons.
I've been told, by brave souls who have had this procedure done, I will NOT remember having a camera up my ass at all. Dr. Important (like most docs, I'm sure) gives his patients an "amnesia drug." Supposedly, I will leave with no memory, whatsoever, of the test.
In fact, someone I know and trust told me "it's simple, it's nothing."
Well, regardless, you can bet I will tell you honestly if it's indeed "nothing." I will also tell you whether or not the amnesia drug works. Will I, or won't I, remember my husband's friend sticking a camera up my ass and having a look-see around?
I honestly would be more comfortable having a gyn exam by one of my husband's friends vs. a colonoscopy.
It's still a full day away, but I'm filled with nothing but DREAD.
I guess I'm full of shit too …
© Twenty Four At Heart