Up Yours, I Mean MINE

Before I get started on today's post, I have to ask if you saw the moon last night?

IMG_3784w
I took the above photo from my back patio.  

It was so pretty.  

Watching the "moon rises" over the mountain is one of my favorite things about where I live.  

Anyway …

You'll have to excuse me if I'm a little cranky in the next day or two.

I'm fasting.

Clear liquids (water and tea, etc.) only.

For two days!

TWO DAYS!!

I'm also more than a little anxious (in other words DREADING) having a colonoscopy on Thursday.

How gross, right?

But,

I've been having stomach issues for some time.  I'm sure it's just stress.  (I have things going on in my life – who doesn't?)

But …

My doc suggested I have a colonoscopy just to make sure nothing weird's going on.  

Have I ever mentioned my husband works in the medical field?

He knows every Dr. Important in the United States, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, etc., etc.  

So this is what's going to happen …

I'll be fasting for two days.

I'll be drinking HORRIBLE STUFF on Wednesday night, and again on Thursday morning.

I'll be flushing a lot on both days (and possibly playing Angry Birds and/or Tiny Wings while sitting on a toilet).

(Is that more than you wanted to know??)

On Thursday afternoon one of my husband's friends will be sticking a camera up my ass.

Yes, someone my husband goes out to Important Dinners with will be giving me The Ultimate Anal Probe.

That won't be at all awkward now, will it?

Can't you just picture their next dinner out at some big fancy restaurant?

Dr. Important will say (as he munches on a chicken wing clam), "So Briefcase, I couldn't help but notice your wife has a Brazilian.  Do you like it?"

And Briefcase will nonchalantly reply, "Well, Dr. Important, it works for me."

Speaking of the state of my hoo haa (which is exactly what we're doing right now), it just so happens I'm currently overdue for my monthly waxing.  My waxing salon is booked up until next week.  I will be crotch-to-face with Dr. Important … looking a little, um, unkempt.

OMIGOD!!

How much worse can it get?

I mean, as if having a camera stuck up your ass by your husband's FRIEND isn't bad enough!

I keep imagining my conversation with Dr. Important during this "procedure."

Dr. Important:  "Well, Twenty Four, would you like to join Briefcase and I for dinner at the Ritz Carlton next time we go?"

"Um, gee, no thanks Dr. Important.  I'd hate to put a DAMPer on the conversation."

Dr. Important:  "Well, we'll miss you.  On the other hand, maybe you could use that time alone to tidy up your snatch a little."

(Yes, these are the type of things I REALLY DO think about!)

Now, I know someone will ask why I have to fast for TWO days – instead of the normal ONE day.  It's a result of a combination of factors, none of which really matter.  The only reason I mention it at all is because I've been blogging for long enough to know at least one person will write in and say, "I had a colonoscopy and only had to fast for ONE day."

I'm sure that's very true.

But, in my case, there are reasons.

I've been told, by brave souls who have had this procedure done, I will NOT remember having a camera up my ass at all.  Dr. Important (like most docs, I'm sure) gives his patients an "amnesia drug."  Supposedly, I will leave with no memory, whatsoever, of the test.  

In fact, someone I know and trust told me "it's simple, it's nothing."

?????

Well, regardless, you can bet I will tell you honestly if it's indeed "nothing."  I will also tell you whether or not the amnesia drug works.  Will I, or won't I, remember my husband's friend sticking a camera up my ass and having a look-see around?

I honestly would be more comfortable having a gyn exam by one of my husband's friends vs. a colonoscopy.

It's still a full day away, but I'm filled with nothing but DREAD.

And shit.

I guess I'm full of shit too …

FLUSH!

© Twenty Four At Heart

24 Responses to “Up Yours, I Mean MINE”

  1. Karen

    Hi! I am a new reader. I recently had a colonoscopy and even if you don’t believe me, it really was quite easy and simple. The worst part of the whole thing is spending the day (in your case two) before on the toilet and not being able to eat. The procedure itself is nothing to fear. You will be deeply asleep the whole time and will remember nothing. Good luck!

  2. Karen

    Now you see, I’d be concerned about the whole need-a-wax! thing too.. I’m one of those who shaves my legs every single day, and the landing strip too because if I got in an accident I would not want EMT’s to see hairy legs, etc. Yes I know that’s really pathetic.
    Have not had a colonoscopy, but have been told it’s absolutely nothing, don’t remember a thing, the worst is the fasting and crap you have to drink.

  3. renata

    dont worry the shit will be flushed out by the lovely prep! Hopefully Dr Important wont be looking at your other bits!

  4. Joanne

    when you mentioned a camera and then not remembering all that came to mind was “date rape by Kodak, the Kodak moment for sure!”

  5. Di

    No big deal…. you won’t remember a thing. The worst part is all that crap you have to drink to get rid of the other crap. What a crappy job those ass doctor’s have. Shit… I could think of a hundred other jobs I rather have that aren’s so shitty.
    DI

  6. unmitigated me

    Before they put you out, they ask you turn on your side, AWAY from the camera, so the Brazilian will be mostly hidden. And no, you won’t remember a thing. The prep is much worse than the actual procedure.

  7. Erica

    If your hair gets in the way they’ll tidy it up for you, I’m sure.
    And I saw the moon! 🙂 Loved it.

  8. Jan

    I don’t know what they gave me, but it wasn’t an amnesia drug; I was awake and aware for the entire thing. I was also higher than a fucking kite, so I didn’t CARE someone was sticking a camera up my ass (I *do* remember asking the doctor if I could take a six pack of whatever it was home with me).
    And that horrible stuff you’ll be drinking? Truly IS horrible. Sorry about that. 🙁

  9. Michelle

    My daughter and I went out and looked at the moon before she went to bed because, in her 17yo words, “it’s so purty!”
    I fasted for two days – one I could have broth, the second nothing. The worst is the stuff you have to drink, and the feeling you’re peeing out your bum everytime you sit down at the toilet. But it will pass. Sorry 😉 I also didn’t remember anything, including getting dressed and sitting in a chair while the stuff was wearing off.
    Praying your result is the same as mine was – CLEAR! And Dr Important has too many patients to specifically remember you!

  10. Liz Tee

    Luckily it’s not a “legs spread” kind of procedure. On your side, facing away, and they just kinda lift a cheek and go for it. A pap is much more, exposing. OTOH, I remember during the prep sitting on the toilet sounding like a half-empty squeeze bottle. I couldn’t help but bust out laughing! It was ludicrous. But I did feel clean as a whistle after. 🙂 overall it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. And the drugs are nice.:)

  11. Karl

    I don’t have much to say about the colonoscopy, but I’m so addicted to Tiny Wings. I know, you needed to know that.

  12. Missy

    I’ll put my 2 cents into the mix. I’ve now have 4 colonoscopies – never pleasant but necessary. Chill the drink, mix in the lemon lime flavor pack and suck on sour candies in between each glass full. A nurse gave me these tips years ago and it really helps cut the metallic taste of the prep. Have vaseline on hand – your ass is going to be raw! I am sure you will have a good outcome.

  13. sandi

    Come over here and let me wax you. You can’t go to that appointment looking fluffy. I have everything to do it. I do lots of people. I am here all day. Get your ass over here. XOXO

  14. Nancy P

    Oh dear. I just had my 4th colonoscopy last month. You should not remember a thing but you MIGHT say something really stupid afterward like I did once. (the drugs still in system) 🙂
    Oh yes! as Missy said, have vaseline on hand. 🙂

  15. Tami

    LOL I’m so sorry.
    Some of these comments today are really funny.

  16. Kimberly

    LOL!! I would rather have a colonoscopy than a gyn exam, that’s how easy the darn thing is! Good luck!

  17. missmolly

    Another tip, buy the adult wipes (like baby wipes) to keep from getting to chaffed from toilet paper. It will really help. Truly the prpe is the worse part of the whole thing. The actual procedure is no big deal.

  18. Karen in East Texas

    As others have already stated the actual procedure is pretty easy. I’ve had 5 colonoscopies myself and am due another one this year. Out of them all, I’ve had one where I wasn’t fully asleep, but was so out of it that I don’t remember much. Well, except the Dr. saying I had a nice, healthy, pretty colon. o_O
    There are two types of liquids they can give you to clean you out. One type comes in what looks like oversized glass soda bottles and is very metallic and sour. The other comes in a large possibly gallon container and is metallic and SALTY. I’ve always preferred the first one. I just couldn’t keep the 2nd one down.
    I think it will be alot less stressful than you think. Good Luck!

  19. Amy_in_Stl

    I’m overdue for my first colonoscopy and I just can’t do it. They wanted to check me out before age 40 to see if I was a polyp former due to some family history….but, I can’t. Two reasons, my mom had the test every year for a lot of my childhood and I’m a little traumatized by seeing the prepatory stuff. Also, what if I like it? I mean, you never know what you’ll say under drugs so what if it feels good? Not that it will; but how embarassing.

  20. Jane without an E

    Look at it this way: it’s a pain in the behind that gives you peace of mind. I think if you keep your sense of humor about you as you did in this post, everything will turn out just fine.

  21. DuchessOmnium

    Oh, sorry, I am reading backwards and should have read further… Here(in the UK) they also give you a colonoscopy if you have had “issues” for more than six weeks.
    I think most of the issues turn out to be what we all have… shit happens… but it is good to have it checked out.

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