Airport Security? Here I Come

Airport security poses unique challenges for a Bionic Woman such as myself.

(If you're a new reader …  Well, I'm full of metal, and electrodes, and wires, and other not-friendly-to-airport-security parts.)

You would think, with modern medicine being what it is, the TSA folks would be accustom to dealing with people who can't go through metal detectors.

You would think.

Last summer, when I went to Hawaii, I learned that's not the case.  I allowed lots (!!) of extra time, knowing my bionic body might cause a delay.  Trust me, I'm an uneasy flyer, I want air-tight security on my flights.

Still, I couldn't have imagined the scenario which took place:

Please step ahead through the metal detector.

I can't, I'll set it off.  (Said with my medical device identification card in my hand.)

Please step to the side then and raise both arms above your head.

I can't raise my arm above my head.

Then you have to walk through the metal detector.

I can't, I'll set it off.  (Said with my medical device identification card in my hand.)

Please walk through the metal detector.

I walk through the metal detector.  

* Alarms clang. *

TSA man rolls his eyes.

Please step to the side and raise both arms above your head.

I can't raise my arm above my head.

TSA man rolls his eyes again.

Please step to the side.  You'll have to wait for a female office to conduct a strip search pat down.

A call is placed requesting a female officer.

I wait.

I wait some more.

No female officer is anywhere in sight.

Time passes.

And passes.

Eventually, a second call is placed requesting a female officer.

The clock is ticking toward my departure time.

I wait some more.

A female officer eventually approaches.

Please step this way and place your feet on the pads as shown below.  Since you prefer a body search, I will be touching your breasts and putting my hand down your pants.

I don't *prefer* a body search, I have medical devices which set off the metal detectors.

Oh.

Let me explain how I'm about to violate you.  Blah, blah, blah.  And now I'm going to touch your breasts.  And now I'm going to touch your crotch.  And now I'd like to pull the waistband of your pants out so I can put my hand down your pants.

Um, thank you?

Please raise your right arm for me.

I can't.

Explain to me why you can't raise your arm.

My arm was disabled in a car accident.  I have medical devices implanted in my arm and shoulder.  

Really?  (Genuine interest) That's very interesting!  I've never heard of that before.  How does that work?

Ma'am I'd love to spend another twenty minutes explaining it to you, but you've already delayed me substantially and I'm going to miss my flight.

Oh, well – you can go then.  (Said regretfully)

© Twenty Four At Heart

4 Responses to “Airport Security? Here I Come”

  1. Jan

    You had a medical card in your hand the entire time and NO ONE even glanced at it? Typical.
    #$@%ing TSA.

  2. Pam

    Amazing! The last time I went through security, the girl pushed the button too soon on the whole body scanner thing, so lucky me, I got the full pat down with the hands down my pants, etc. They kept acting like I was a criminal… No, the dumb operator just pushed the button too soon! I know it’s for the safety of everyone, but it sometimes they can be so idiotic!
    Good luck getting them to listen to you and have a good trip! 🙂
    Pam

  3. Erica

    My boyfriend’s underwater photo equipment must somehow resemble the latest incendiary device. Examination took forever at every security checkpoint and all they seemed to do was rotate each piece repeatedly and stare at it. If they’ve started to be suspicious of all camera gear, it might take you even longer this time, so keep that in mind.
    Have a great trip!

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